Advantages of Celibacy (not having sex)

According to Webster’s, “Celibacy” is either 1) the state of not being married, or 2) abstention from sexual intercourse (read: not having sex).

I don’t know what works in the sticks, but here in NYC, people avoid sex by buying dogs. The dog becomes the central figure in the relationship and as long as HE pets the dog and then SHE pets the dog, the “love” is transferred throughout the entire “family” without him actually having to waste time having sex with her when he could be working on his startup.

So here are some of the advantages of celibacy:

Kung Fu Proficiency

Regardless of how long you study the I-Ching Manual, you’ll never attain the highest level of kung fu proficiency unless you’re celibate.

You can get close, but if someone’s received the same training you have, yet has kept himself “pure”, he’s always going to be the stronger of the two of you when it comes down to that all-important last fight in the movie.

Many men with aspirations to take over the world (or, at least China) have been thwarted by this lack of dedication to kung fu and wanton disregard for its rules. Don’t let this happen to you. Be a champion! Lay off the chicks!


Until they invent airborne STDs, remaining celibate will protect you from viruses… like buying a Mac. Continue reading “Advantages of Celibacy (not having sex)”