Advantages of Celibacy (not having sex)

Bill Cammack — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:43:52 +0000

According to Webster’s, “Celibacy” is either 1) the state of not being married, or 2) abstention from sexual intercourse (read: not having sex).

I don’t know what works in the sticks, but here in NYC, people avoid sex by buying dogs. The dog becomes the central figure in the relationship and as long as HE pets the dog and then SHE pets the dog, the “love” is transferred throughout the entire “family” without him actually having to waste time having sex with her when he could be working on his startup.

So here are some of the advantages of celibacy:

Kung Fu Proficiency

Regardless of how long you study the I-Ching Manual, you’ll never attain the highest level of kung fu proficiency unless you’re celibate.

You can get close, but if someone’s received the same training you have, yet has kept himself “pure”, he’s always going to be the stronger of the two of you when it comes down to that all-important last fight in the movie.

Many men with aspirations to take over the world (or, at least China) have been thwarted by this lack of dedication to kung fu and wanton disregard for its rules. Don’t let this happen to you. Be a champion! Lay off the chicks!

Say WHAT?

Until they invent airborne STDs, remaining celibate will protect you from viruses… like buying a Mac.

No more worrying about what you might have until your test results come back in a few weeks. No more nurses looking down their noses at you like as if you’re guilty of something and you looking back up at them like “um… You’re not even a #*$&^%( DOCTOR. You’re a NURSE! Go do your job and hand out band-aids or something!”. No more picking up girls at the clinic, because you know they “put out”.

I’m just saying… That’s what I heard goes on in those places…

The P Word

Celibacy comes in handy when a chick you know gets pregnant. You get to raise one eyebrow like Spock and say something snappy, like “How’d THAT Happen?” or “Good luck with that.”

No being dragged on The Maury Show with eight other guys for you! Nope. Sit back with the popcorn, while she starts scrolling through her cell phone contacts for OTHER GUYS that might be responsible for the runner that won the race.

Perpetual State of Horniness

In social situations, when politely flirting with the ladies, it always helps to be somewhat “backed up”, ahem… Celibacy adds that extra edge to what you’re whispering in her ear, because you actually MEAN every word of what you’re telling her you want to do to her.

This absolutely trumps the plain, flat, boring, platonic, dry “That looks good on you” or “You look nice tonight” she gets from other guys that have no physical interest in her whatsoever. *yawn* Make sure you add a little desperation to spice up your “flirt game” FTW.

Goal Achievement

Some people utilize “Temporary Celibacy” to help them focus on what they’re trying to get done. If you’re in school, it’s easier to study when you’re not interrupted every couple of minutes by thoughts and images from last night as well as mental projections of what you want to happen the next time you’re with them. If you’re working on that startup, utilize the old “dog trick” to keep her from clamoring for affection all the time and jacking up your mental flow.

For the ladies, the obvious win is that you don’t have to rearrange your life around your new man. You’re also perpetually available for “girls’ night out” with your homies.

Efficient Decisionmaking

It’s not so easy to dump a girl on Wednesday when you were planning on having sex with her on Thursday. Celibacy allows you to judge her by the content of her character and excommunicate her on rational and well thought-out grounds.

You want to go to that party, but you don’t want your girl to see the pictures? No problem. Hit the party and have a good time. Since you’re not tappin’ that, “sex embargo” isn’t available to her as retribution, so all she can do is pout and go spend quality time with the dog while you work on your startup.

Saving Money

Since you’re not tappin’ that, you don’t have to take her out. CHA-CHING!!! $$$ Imagine the savings when you can buy one Big Mac Meal instead of two. Half price on your bar tabs!

Valentine’s day is like an automatic tax refund, compared to the guys that have to get haircuts, get new clothes, select an expensive restaurant, buy flowers, pay the Mariachi to sing at the table, pay for cabs in both directions…

Let’s not forget about the money you save in alcoholic beverages when she tells you she’s pregnant and you’re POSITIVE that it isn’t yours.

Crazy Honeymoon Sex

Well.. If you make it all the way to the night after your wedding before having sex, prepare for that to be the BEST night of your entire life!!!!!… or the worst.

Sure, it’ll be a new sensation for you, however you won’t have the first clue of what you’re supposed to do. I think the best idea is to agree ahead of time that y’all are probably both going to be WACK at sex, and agree that if this time completely sucks, you’ll discuss the problem areas and try to do better next time. Shake on it, then get down to business.

The obvious upside to this is that if she’s a virgin also then she’ll have ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE that you don’t know what you’re doing, so just keep looking confident, like “aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh… You liked that, right? ;) ” and she’ll swear you’re putting in work.

Don’t go berserk, now. Remember, “you break it, you bought it”. However, I guess you already bought it by Honeymoon Night, so ENJOY!!! :D

~Bill

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How To Avoid Pregnancy

Bill Cammack — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 12:36:03 +0000

Here are five quick tips on how to avoid getting your girl pregnant:

1) Don’t hit it… evAr

Yes. I know. This tip is useless, because you were only talking to her in the first place so you could have sex with her. I know. I know….

2) Time her cycle [Edit: Extended discussion/explanation @ "Don't Try The Rhythm Method". Basically, *ANY* technique for avoiding pregnancy that involves getting *ANY* liquid on a chick other than your saliva is *COMPLETELY* *RETARDED*!]

Relatively, there’s only a small window of time during which you can accidentally get your girl pregnant… I mean, ACTUALLY get your girl pregnant. According to
The American Pregnancy Association:

“During the time of ovulation, an egg is available to be fertilized for only about 12-24 hours. But since sperm can live in the body for 3-5 days and then the egg is available for one day, your most fertile time is considered to be about 5-7 days.”

Even if we stretch that to 10 days, you have another 20 days each month that you can do what you say, say what you mean and one thing won’t lead to another!

YOUR assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to figure out which week out of each month you need to regularly have one whole hell of a lot of headaches and late nights at the office! :D

3) No Glove… No Love

Condoms don’t fail because the factory made them poorly. They fail because YOU didn’t put them on correctly. Make sure the condom fits. Make sure you leave space at the top for your… Happy Ending.

Here’s a tip. If the sex starts feeling “too good”, the condom probably broke or rolled off. STOP &#@$%G RIGHT NOW! and go get another condom.

4) Only screw chicks with career aspirations

Make sure you talk about careers early in your relationship with your girlfriend. If her chosen career path dictates that she can’t afford to take time off for maternity leave, you’re IN THERE! :D

Just don’t bungle the position by a) making her fall in love with you so she no longer cares about careers or money, or b) getting that big promotion that makes her feel like starting a family off of YOUR paycheck.

5) Hit it during her period [Edit: Revised. I didn't express myself properly here. I should have said "Hit it on THE FIRST DAY of her period" See the comments below or read "Don't Try The Rhythm Method" for clarification. Thanks to Kenya for bringing it up in the comments and thanks to other friends of mine for bringing it up IRL in the time since I initially made this post. :) ]

Hey…. What goes up…. Must come down! :D

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Bill Cammack » abstinence