Bill Cammack » ass

Ass Out, In The Garbage (Homegirl Epic Failure)

Bill Cammack — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 10:49:48 +0000

If you’re not from New York City, and specifically Manhattan, you’re not going to understand what this is a picture of. :)

Manhattan has garbage collection days. They don’t come get the garbage every day. This means that when stores know that the day is coming up, they bring all their garbage bags from the basement and pile them up out on the sidewalk.

Sometimes, it’s only three bags, but it could easily be 10-20 garbage bags making their own little mountain out in the street.

The point is that the garbagemen are going to come get the bags in the wee hours of the morning so that your customers never see a stack of garbage out in front of your restaurant or whatever.

Meanwhile, this is the exact same time that people go out to party here. A lot of times, people don’t even ARRIVE to bars before midnight, and since the bars close around 4:30am, there’s often a correlation between when drunk-ass-people stumble their asses out of a bar and when this mountain of garbage bags is chillin’ outside, waiting to get picked up.

Cold Lampin’ In The Garbage

So… What you’re looking at in this picture, which was snapped by my friend G.C., is a female, OUTSIDE!, in the street, out on the sidewalk near the curb, cold lampin’ in a stack of garbage bags, gettin’ her SNOOZE on, probably because she’s too drunk to do anything else. Needless to say, ladies… This is *NOT* a Good Look. :D

Women roll in packs around here. You can easily spot groups of 4-5 gals at a time mosseing around town. There are a lot of complaints from guys about how nosey these girls are in each other’s business, especially when you’re about to get a rap and one or more of them arrive to cockblock you for no apparent reason. Well… THIS is the reason.

Ladies!… Stop. Incapacitating. Yourselves. When. You. Go. Out. To. Party!. Srsly. In this case, G.C. did the neighborly thing and called the cops so they could come see if they could wake her ass up and get her moving to wherever she lives. You don’t want to actually wake someone like this up, because (as I well know, myself) people that are drunk don’t have the best memory and could easily blame YOU for the condition they put THEMSELVES in, even though all you were trying to do was look out for someone in a bad situation as we all should.

The other reason is that if she had been actually hurt instead of sleeping, you don’t want to get fingerprints on her from trying to remove her from her personal stack of garbage. The obvious exception would be if you perceived her to be choking or something, then you have to take your chances and help her out. Other than that, your only obligation is to call the cops and make sure nobody ***** with her until the cops get there.

Escort The Ladies Home

The pic of the chick in the garbage illustrates why I ALWAYS put women IN their apartments after we hang out (except in the cases where they live in the totally opposite direction from me and it would take me another hour or two to get home, in which case I make sure they get in a YELLOW cab and text me when they get home).

I was working a couple of months ago with my friends Rosie & Autumn and I’m standing there waiting with them for their car service to leave, and they’re telling me some ******** about how nobody’s going to mess with them because they know Kung Fu or something, and I’m like :/

I eventually ended up leaving, but I wasn’t happy about it. The only reason I left was that we were in a well-populated area and we had been WORKING, not DRINKING, so I didn’t have any doubt that they’d get their car eventually and make it home safely.

One of the things about Manhattan, NYC is that we can drink as much as we like because we have 24/7 yellow cab service. I can get a cab within 5 minutes at 5am. Lots of times, the cabbie’s had to wake me up so I could get the **** out of his cab! :D Lots of times, friends of mine who were less wasted than I was made sure that *I* got home, so I make sure that I return that favor and look out for women I’m spending time with. Saying “PEACE!” at the door of the bar and leaving her to stumble down the street and MAYBE make it to the avenue and flag down a cab instead of landing in a bunch of garbage to sleep it off is completely unacceptable to me. Completely.

The funny thing about this is that it looks like a scam! :D It looks like I’m trying to take advantage of them by saying “Oh… Let me walk you home! >:D” or getting out of the cab with them to walk them upstairs to their apartments. It looks like the old “Can I use your bathroom?” gimmick to get in a chick’s house and try to get some at the last minute. The fact of the matter is that I’ve SEEN exactly what this picture shows. I’ve SEEN guys and gals sprawled out on the concrete sidewalks of NYC at 2-5am, sleeping as if they were in their own beds. Since that’s not what I want for my friends, I do the best I can to make sure they get TO their block, TO their building, upstairs TO their floor, INSIDE their apartments and LOCK THE DOOR after I leave.

Homegirls, UNITE!!! :D

This is why it’s so important for those packs of gals wandering the streets of Manhattan to keep up with each other’s whereabouts. I know we hate it as guys when these nosey broads (THANK YOU FOR “BROADS”, MTV’S JERSEY SHORE!!! :D) destroy our raps by pulling their girlfriends away from us just before we get to make out with her, but it’s an important part of the NYC ecosystem. Her girlfriends don’t know a) how incapacitated she currently is, and b) what YOU’RE going to do with her once she passes out. Even though chicks tend to overdo it, it’s their sworn duty to look out for each other, especially when they know that if their girl gets tipsy, she’s liable to give it up to any guy she finds sexually attactive, but “saving her from herself” is an entirely different issue. :)

All I see in this pic is a chick sleeping in the garbage, but I personally feel that this was a HEF (Homegirl Epic Failure). This is why chicks need to go out in packs. If only two gals go out together and one of them gets a rap, her homegirl is Ass Out (Also said as Assed Out, meaning S.O.L. or **** Out of Luck). The benefit of having 4-6 girls roll out together is that there’s ZERO chance that ALL of them are going to get guys that evening, which means that there will be enough stragglers with nothing better to do than take headcounts and go try to find and collect the other girls in the group that may have placed themselves in compromising positions. Ladies!!.. It’s imperative that you leave the club/bar with the same number of chicks you entered the bar with, OR if you know that you’re about to go get some, make sure that you put your girl in a legitimate cab before you bounce.

Do like The U.S. Marines… “No Man Left Behind!”… Except in this case, it’s more like “No Chick Left Assed-Out!”, Nah Meen? :D

~ Bill Cammack | @BillCammack

5 Tips on How To Get A Girlfriend

Bill Cammack — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 02:00:24 +0000

Now I know that this post I came across is supposed to be humorous… as are some DatingGenius posts… but I think it’s excellent as a case study, so let’s take a quick look at Tristan Miller’s post from 1999, entitled “Why I Will Never Have A Girlfriend”. Basically, Tristan’s breaking down the problem mathematically:

Number of people on Earth (in 1998): 5,592,830,000
…who are female: 2,941,118,000
…in “developed” countries: 605,601,000
…currently (in 2000) aged 18 to 25: 65,399,083
…who are beautiful: 1,487,838
…and intelligent: 236,053
…and not already committed: 118,027
…and also might like me: 18,726

MAN, do I love this article! :D I could read it every day! :D hahaha

Clearly, here’s the problem, as mentioned in the endnotes & references for the article:

2. â†‘ After a short period of brooding, of course, these males will eventually come to the realization that the real reason they were never able to get a girlfriend is that they were too discriminating with their attentions.

As I mentioned in “Life Isn’t Fair”, all guys are not ENTITLED to a girlfriend. We also aren’t all lucky enough to live in New York City, where you can’t throw a rock without hitting a chick. So, it’s possible that due to the combination of a lack of available females and a lack of your being better than the next man (who always pulls the fly chicks before you do), that you find yourself in a similar situation, where it seems like there’s no way out. However… There’s CERTAINLY a way around this problem. All you have to do is…

LOWER. YOUR. STANDARDS.

That’s it! Problem solved! :D All of a sudden, there are hundreds… THOUSANDS of chicks newly available to you, and you get to pass your genes into the next generation! :D

Here are five (5) tips on how to enhance your dating life by lowering your standards. Apply any one of these tips and watch your “dance card” fill up! :) ***NOTE*** Only apply ONE of these tips at a time! :O Combining two or more of them has been known to lead to severe depression as well as plummeting self-esteem.

1. Consider dating girls that do not have an ass.

Yes. I know. I know. :( This is amazingly drastic, and I really should have saved it for last, but since most people can’t read, I wanted to get it out on the table before they click away to some stupid video about Monster Trucks. This is really… I mean… You DON’T want to do this, but if you really find yourself on the bottom of the totem pole, where fewer than 20,000 chicks on the planet would want to date you, it’s time to pull out the stops. So that’s tip #1. Date her even though she doesn’t have an ass. This will IMMEDIATELY double your dating options… unless you live in Boston, which means your options quadruple.

***NOTE*** Only try this tip with girls that are really, really, really, REALLY CUTE, so at least you enjoy looking at them from the front. :D

2. Consider dating girls that are grossly out of shape.

This society has a really stupid policy of not differentiating between girls that happen to be thicker than other girls, yet are still in proper shape/proportion… and chicks that are actually obese. A chick that’s heavier but still shapely can still be physically attractive. The problems occur when you’re scratching your head like “hmm… that’s not supposed to curve in that direction :( “. However, as the saying goes… “Beggars can’t be Choosers”, so you might have to take one for the team this time. Think of it this way… You don’t have to worry about guys kicking it to your girl at the restaurant when you step off to the bathroom.

This is especially useful if YOU aren’t in good shape. I mean, “fair’s fair”, right? :)

3. Consider dating a facially unattractive chick.

This is a REALLY BAD IDEA unless people tend to grow on you… and FAST! Being that this isn’t the Middle East, you’re going to have a really hard time convincing her to cover her entire face, except for her eyes.

image from “Fashion Freedom – Women’s Wear in the Middle East”

Fortunately, those large, gaudy sunglasses are in style now, so you can probably get over by making sure she wears the biggest shades you can find… well, at least until Summer’s over.

Also, you’ll need to practice getting around your crib in the dark so you don’t have to turn on the lights when she comes over.

Again, this is a REALLY bad idea, and usually completely unsustainable unless she has a totally bangin’ body, so let’s just forget about this one unless you need it for a REALLY rainy day.

4. Consider dating a complete imbecile.

I know. I know… You’re wondering “Now.. How am I supposed to know she’s an idiot?”. Well… You’re going to have to actually talk to her… and then, when you’re finished talking, you have to actually LISTEN to her response and check to see if what she said makes any sense. Now, normally, when you find out she’s a dummy, it’s like “…gave her a token and said ‘Shalom’!” (Shalom, being a word in Hebrew that means “Peace”, which is U.S. slang for “GOOD-BYE!” :D ) But, let’s not be hasty. Let’s consider the upside to dating a chick with an IQ in the double-digits.

You don’t have to be very intelligent to outsmart her.
She’s likely to forget that she did the dishes last night and do them again tonight.
She’ll let her sister stay over your house while she works the night shift @ the bowling alley.

hmm… That’s about it. :( Generally, dumb chicks are more trouble than they’re worth.

5. Consider dating girls that do not like you.

Guys do this all the time. All you need is a fancy car or a yacht or something. Just get something she can’t afford, and she’ll hang out with you so she can be seen in and around your property. :)

***NOTE*** With chicks like this, be sure to keep your Condom Game tight… Other guys own stuff, too.

DatingGenius