Now that Rachel has me watching “Millionaire Matchmaker”, I can see that this is going to be my new weekly source of material, now that “Jersey Shore” is over.

So, this week, this millionaire dude is on the show and Patti asks him what he’s looking for in a female. He basically says that his only requirement is that he wants her to have an ass like Kim Kardashian:

Obviously, an ass like that should be written into law, along with “The Pursuit Of Happiness”, “Freedom Of Speech” and “A Chicken In Every Pot”, so there’s no arguing with a brotha’z selection process!!! >:D

So then, Patti compares dude to the show “Entourage”, because he’s always hanging out with his boys. He says that his friends are very important to him, and Patti asks “More important than the girl you’re dating?”…………….

There’s this long-ass pause while the guy thinks up a bullshit lie that he can attempt to cover up the truth with. If he had been being authentic, he would have said “HELLZ THE **** YEAH, MY BOYS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN SOME CHICK I’M DATING! >:D”

Keep It Real

This is one of the problems with “dating”. People are always trying to weasel their way into getting what they want on the sneak tip. You never get the real person right off the bat.

This is going to be amplified under matchmaking conditions. If you decide to have a professional matchmaker like Maria Avgitidis fix you up, it’s honestly in your best interests to be authentic with her about what you’re looking for and what you’re bringing to the table.

As I understand, Maria always asks her clients “What challenges do you think I’ll face matching you?” — She’s just passive aggressively given you a dose of realty and you should probably thank her for that. :D

If you’re not even going to look twice at a chick that doesn’t have a nice ass, say so.
If you already have a close set of friends that she’s going to have to JOIN if she wants to stand a chance of having a lasting relationship with you, say so.
If you only want to date chicks that drink almost as much as you do, say so.

The guy in question happened to be from New York City. Not a transplant from the sticks.. Someone that grew up here. People from other places aren’t going to be clear on how important your close, ultimately-valued friends are. They’re not going to understand what you’ve gone through together… Your inner circle is where important decisions are made and important lessons are learned. Life-altering and shaping stuff.. WAY more important than whether you get laid or not.

This is one of the things that makes dating native New York guys tough for females. We’ve already formed our units. We already have our families. We have our blood-related families and we have our friends who have been there through pivotal times who have been an incredibly important part of making us who we are today. You just don’t make it on the streets of NYC without close friends that you rely on. “A girl that you’re dating” has a Long. Ass. Uphill. Climb. to make it anywhere NEAR the level of importance of the people that have been representing for you for years, with no end in sight.

This is why dude should have been authentic and said “Look.. I’m looking to add a hawt chick into my daily routine. She’s either going to get down with my usual program or get ejected.”

You have to help matchmakers help YOU… Just like what happened in the episode, whatever your true nature is will be revealed relatively soon, and then if the chick isn’t with it, she’s gonna bounce.

I’m Not A Big Drinker

Similarly.. The only viable female (best ass) on that episode should have been straight up about her drinking habits.

Here’s what happened when they were sitting together, chatting at the initial meetup party:

Chick: “Tell me a little bit more about yourself.. What do you do for fun, though?”
Dude: “What do I do for fun?.. I.. You know.. [edit].. just have a good time, get drunk.. How about you?”
Chick: “I’m actually not a big drinker.”

Granted.. The show is edited and dude probably said a bunch of other stuff to her. However.. Here’s a tip for the ladies.. :D

If you ask a dude what he does for fun and his response is GET DRUNK, assume that’s what he’s going to plan to do when he’s with you. Before I saw this episode, I had never in my life heard of a guy actually TELLING a chick that he likes to get drunk in a pre-date situation. This is a RED-ASS-FLAG, ladies. Get a clue.

Your other tip is this: If you’re describing yourself, don’t beat around the bush. Stick to the facts. If you are NOT. A. DRINKER. AT. ALL., don’t describe yourself as “Not a big drinker”. You’re doing yourself a major disservice. If you’re not DTF, don’t act like you MIGHT be willing to hook up with him… Make definite statements, such as “I don’t drink” and “I don’t usually have sex at all, except for with my vibrator”.

I had an interesting situation occur recently where I went out for drinks with a chick. The first drink we were ordering from the bartender, I could have *SWORN* I heard her ask for 1/2 a beer! :D

She’s not an American, so I figured this might have been one of her country’s customs, that they actually will serve you 1/2 of a beer! :D

So the bartender had clearly been hired for his looks and not his intelligence and served both of us full beers, completely ignoring or failing to mentally grasp and process her request for 1/2 of a beer… The next round I ordered, I got another beer and she ordered soda, like, with nothing in it.. Just soda. This indicated to me that she, in fact, had desired 1/2 of a beer and had already consumed more alcohol than she wanted to during our hangout. In fact, I had never asked her what her tolerance for alcohol was before we entered the bar. All I knew was that I was going to get *MY* drink on, REGARDLESS, and if she wanted to do that too, that was on her. >:D

This is why y’all want to be *SPECIFIC* when the topic of drinking (or sex) comes up.

I’m a big drinker.

If you tell me “I’m not actually a big drinker”, I’m going to translate that relatively, not absolutely.

All that means to me is “I drink less than you do”.

Most people on this planet drink less than I do.

A friend of mine found me instantaneously at a function that had hundreds of people attending it by walking directly to the bar. She knew damned well that I was going to be within striking distance of my next drink.

So.. If you don’t drink AT ALL, just say so. You might not get the date, but you won’t get put in uncomfortable situations either. If you’re not down to hook up at all, just say so. You DEFINITELY won’t get the date, but you won’t end up in uncomfortable situations either.

The Inner Circle

The Inner Circle isn’t specifically restricted to male membership. It’s not a Bros before Hoes” boys’ club. Cool females can just as easily earn their stripes as close friends & trusted confidantes. In fact, there are lots of things you might kick it with your close homegirls about that you never bring up to your boys at all.

This is another problem that women in NYC are going to come up against as they try to corral guys into exclusive relationships. I’m not giving up my homegirls for you or anybody else. In fact, you have a long-ass way to go before you’re even considered to be anywhere approaching their level of importance in my life, much less surpassing them and taking over some kind of leading role. You’re starting off like 30 people down in the ending movie credits when I meet you for the first time. Better women than you have tried to gain and maintain an important position on the roster and they’ve been gone for a long time now. Good Luck! :D

In fact, this adds to the superficial nature of dating in NYC. Not only are there way more women than men here, but the guys already have women we enjoy spending time with. The only reason to add women to the roster is for sex or entertainment (or because she has an ass like Kim).

That’s why it’s extremely tough to match native New York guys with gals for exclusive relationships. We don’t need them. There’s no reason to settle down, whatesoever. It’s easier to match transplants, because they’re actually country boys from like Ohio or Alabama that moved here. They’re more likely to buy that one guy / one girl scenario.

A lot of gals don’t understand this and think that because they have the title of ‘girlfriend’, that gives them special position in a guy’s life. All that means is “This is the chick I hook up with the most”. It doesn’t mean we trust you. It doesn’t mean we’re going to choose your side over a gal we’ve known and cared about for years before we realized that you existed. It doesn’t mean we’re going to hang out with you at your grandmother’s house instead of going to the batting cages with the fellaz. It doesn’t mean we’re going to suddenly become sober because you don’t like to drink… It doesn’t mean anything at all, other than that you’re the most likely person to get a call when we feel horny.

Personality

This is why I always say that a gal’s personality is her most important asset.

Yeah, your looks get you in the door.

Yeah, the fact that you’re down to hook up keeps you in the game.

You’re never actually going to become IMPORTANT to a dude until he considers you one of his homies… one of his inner circle… one of “Tha Fellaz”. If he’s down to take you wherever he goes, that’s when you know you’re in there like Belvedere. If he brings you around his close friends and they treat you respectfully, you know that he’s already vouched for you. You’re not some pice of ass.. You’re his FRIEND. He respects you and he’s requested that his friends respect you as well.

You’re an extension of him. When they see you, they’re seeing him. That counts whether he’s standing next to you, whether he’s over at the bar getting another round or whether he’s not even in the same state and they ran into you in the street. He’s vetted you, so whatever amount of respect they have for him is automatically applied to you as if you were his girlfriend, wife, cousin or sister.

He doesn’t have to tell you this, and most likely won’t. It’s an agreement between the people that are already “down”. The difference is obvious between someone that’s important to you and some chick you happen to be hooking up with. The hookup-chicks come and go like the wind. Here Today, Gone Tomorrow. Wipe your hands. Brush your shoulder off. Nobody even asks what happened to them because they know the drill.

So if you’re relying on your looks, you’re gonna end up short. If you’re relying on the fact that you’re DTF, you’re gonna end up short. Use whatever tricks you have up your sleeve to get your foot in the door and then get to know guys and let them know you. Dudes aren’t lonely in NYC. We already have a bunch of dudes to hang out with. We already have a bunch of gals to hang out with. All we have to do is head down to Times Square or Bryant Park and we’ll be literally SURROUNDED by foyine chicks.

Distinguish yourself by your personality. It’s your only win in this city. Trust & Believe that regardless of what guys might tell you in order to gas your head up and get you to lay down, Until you’re considered a member of his inner circle, you’re nowhere near as important to him as you think you are.
–
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There seems to be some confusion amongst some of the members of the female community about the value of making and attempting to distribute a sex tape “starring” yourselves.

I’m sorry to inform you that sex tapes are played out. Actually, to be more accurate.. I’m happy to inform you, but you’ll be sorry to REALIZE that sex tapes are played out and you’re going to have to find another way to attempt to become famous or intenet-famous or whatever you’re trying to do.

The Originals

The reason why sex tapes were a hot item back in the day is because they WEREN’T. SUPPOSED. TO. BE. RELEASED.

The thing was that some chick shot a video with some dude for fun, and by hook or crook, that video somehow made its way to bootleg DVDs and online downloads. The whole buzz of it was a) “Does it exist at all?”, and b) “Where can we get it?”.

When the rumors first went around, the chicks denied that they existed until the first people started seeing them and telling their friends about them. Once the stills & video clips went up on the net, they had no choice but to own up to the fact that yes, that’s them in the tapes and yes, they’re that type of chick to videotape having sex with someone.

Second Wave

The next phase in sex tape evolution was the gals who decided to cash in by deliberately making and attempting to distribute sex tapes while following the initial model of acting like they didn’t want them to be released.

This got over as well as the first wave did because people still didn’t believe girls would do this to themselves. If the tape existed, it HAD to be the guy’s fault and the girl was being victimized, which is what people actually tune in to watch.

Had those tapes been released in a normal fashion, they would have sat on the shelves getting dusty because nobody actually cares whether a gal has sex or not. Did anyone think any of these chicks were virgins before they saw the tapes? Nope.

So the whole point to celebrity sex tapes is victimization. Someone (usually the female) got taken advantage of. That’s what people tune in for.. to be the fly on the wall while some guy’s sneakily videotaping a girl with a hidden camera or if the camera’s visible, he told her that nobody would ever see the tape, and now it’s available for sale to the public.

That was Then. This is Now.

This brings us to the present day… Somehow, some women view sex tapes as a viable vehicle by which they can attain… fame?.. notoriety?.. celebrity status?

I find this completely amazing as well as stupid.

What’s even worse is when you can’t even pull this stunt off without dragging your father’s celebrity name through the mud. I mean, it’s just the height of disrespect and ungratefulness.

EVEN. ACTUAL. PORNO. CHICKS. DON’T. USE. THEIR. REAL. NAMES!!! :/

So first of all, the victimization that everyone tunes in to watch “sex tapes” for doesn’t exist because you decided to make the tape and announced the tape before it was even released.

Second (which is actually FIRST), nobody even would have watched the tape if you hadn’t been your father’s daughter. If you would have changed your name like REAL porno chicks do, nobody would ever have heard of or seen your video.

Third, if you already have deep connections in the film industry, what’s the point of doing Z-Movie pornos? If you can get acting roles just based off of your last name and your father’s juice, what are you getting out of having someone point a camera at you while you’re “having sex”, which I have to put in quotes, because I’ve seen one of the scenes and it was crazy WACK!

Fourth, if you *MUST* make a sex tape, at least go all out and hire a makeup artist to smooth out your skin tone and hide all those ghastly spots on your ass.

Fifth, if you’ve just “had a passion to do porn”, why not just do it? O_o .. Why not just be the next nondescript ***** sucking **** and leave the family name out of things entirely?

Save It For David

Unfortunately, due to the “Famous guy’s daughter gets boned on publicly-distributed DVD” aspect of this situation, of course the tape is going to sell, sell, sell. Hopefully, this won’t give more young ladies the idea that if they make a sex tape, they might be able to parlay that into money, status or fame.

The fact of the matter is that sex tapes are played out. The fad is over. All that’s left are girls that choose to **** on tape and those that choose not to. It’s not cool. It’s not cute. It’s not edgy. It’s expected, predictable and boring… Especially if the video reveals that you have just about the sensuality and moves of a RealDoll, except the doll has a better body.

The sex tape fad actually reminds me of the girls dancing with girls in the bar fad. *yawn*

Remember all those girls that used to try to get props from the guys by dancing together and hoping that dudes would think they were lesbians? Remember how they used to get over at first? Welp.. they ran that trick into the ground and now y’all look like what you are, chicks trying to get attention from dudes. Nobody’s falling for that anymore and they’re not falling for “sex tapes” either, so hang it up.

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If you’re not from New York City, and specifically Manhattan, you’re not going to understand what this is a picture of. :)

Manhattan has garbage collection days. They don’t come get the garbage every day. This means that when stores know that the day is coming up, they bring all their garbage bags from the basement and pile them up out on the sidewalk.

Sometimes, it’s only three bags, but it could easily be 10-20 garbage bags making their own little mountain out in the street.

The point is that the garbagemen are going to come get the bags in the wee hours of the morning so that your customers never see a stack of garbage out in front of your restaurant or whatever.

Meanwhile, this is the exact same time that people go out to party here. A lot of times, people don’t even ARRIVE to bars before midnight, and since the bars close around 4:30am, there’s often a correlation between when drunk-ass-people stumble their asses out of a bar and when this mountain of garbage bags is chillin’ outside, waiting to get picked up.

Cold Lampin’ In The Garbage

So… What you’re looking at in this picture, which was snapped by my friend G.C., is a female, OUTSIDE!, in the street, out on the sidewalk near the curb, cold lampin’ in a stack of garbage bags, gettin’ her SNOOZE on, probably because she’s too drunk to do anything else. Needless to say, ladies… This is *NOT* a Good Look. :D

Women roll in packs around here. You can easily spot groups of 4-5 gals at a time mosseing around town. There are a lot of complaints from guys about how nosey these girls are in each other’s business, especially when you’re about to get a rap and one or more of them arrive to cockblock you for no apparent reason. Well… THIS is the reason.

Ladies!… Stop. Incapacitating. Yourselves. When. You. Go. Out. To. Party!. Srsly. In this case, G.C. did the neighborly thing and called the cops so they could come see if they could wake her ass up and get her moving to wherever she lives. You don’t want to actually wake someone like this up, because (as I well know, myself) people that are drunk don’t have the best memory and could easily blame YOU for the condition they put THEMSELVES in, even though all you were trying to do was look out for someone in a bad situation as we all should.

The other reason is that if she had been actually hurt instead of sleeping, you don’t want to get fingerprints on her from trying to remove her from her personal stack of garbage. The obvious exception would be if you perceived her to be choking or something, then you have to take your chances and help her out. Other than that, your only obligation is to call the cops and make sure nobody ***** with her until the cops get there.

Escort The Ladies Home

The pic of the chick in the garbage illustrates why I ALWAYS put women IN their apartments after we hang out (except in the cases where they live in the totally opposite direction from me and it would take me another hour or two to get home, in which case I make sure they get in a YELLOW cab and text me when they get home).

I was working a couple of months ago with my friends Rosie & Autumn and I’m standing there waiting with them for their car service to leave, and they’re telling me some ******** about how nobody’s going to mess with them because they know Kung Fu or something, and I’m like :/

I eventually ended up leaving, but I wasn’t happy about it. The only reason I left was that we were in a well-populated area and we had been WORKING, not DRINKING, so I didn’t have any doubt that they’d get their car eventually and make it home safely.

One of the things about Manhattan, NYC is that we can drink as much as we like because we have 24/7 yellow cab service. I can get a cab within 5 minutes at 5am. Lots of times, the cabbie’s had to wake me up so I could get the **** out of his cab! :D Lots of times, friends of mine who were less wasted than I was made sure that *I* got home, so I make sure that I return that favor and look out for women I’m spending time with. Saying “PEACE!” at the door of the bar and leaving her to stumble down the street and MAYBE make it to the avenue and flag down a cab instead of landing in a bunch of garbage to sleep it off is completely unacceptable to me. Completely.

The funny thing about this is that it looks like a scam! :D It looks like I’m trying to take advantage of them by saying “Oh… Let me walk you home! >:D” or getting out of the cab with them to walk them upstairs to their apartments. It looks like the old “Can I use your bathroom?” gimmick to get in a chick’s house and try to get some at the last minute. The fact of the matter is that I’ve SEEN exactly what this picture shows. I’ve SEEN guys and gals sprawled out on the concrete sidewalks of NYC at 2-5am, sleeping as if they were in their own beds. Since that’s not what I want for my friends, I do the best I can to make sure they get TO their block, TO their building, upstairs TO their floor, INSIDE their apartments and LOCK THE DOOR after I leave.

Homegirls, UNITE!!! :D

This is why it’s so important for those packs of gals wandering the streets of Manhattan to keep up with each other’s whereabouts. I know we hate it as guys when these nosey broads (THANK YOU FOR “BROADS”, MTV’S JERSEY SHORE!!! :D) destroy our raps by pulling their girlfriends away from us just before we get to make out with her, but it’s an important part of the NYC ecosystem. Her girlfriends don’t know a) how incapacitated she currently is, and b) what YOU’RE going to do with her once she passes out. Even though chicks tend to overdo it, it’s their sworn duty to look out for each other, especially when they know that if their girl gets tipsy, she’s liable to give it up to any guy she finds sexually attactive, but “saving her from herself” is an entirely different issue. :)

All I see in this pic is a chick sleeping in the garbage, but I personally feel that this was a HEF (Homegirl Epic Failure). This is why chicks need to go out in packs. If only two gals go out together and one of them gets a rap, her homegirl is Ass Out (Also said as Assed Out, meaning S.O.L. or **** Out of Luck). The benefit of having 4-6 girls roll out together is that there’s ZERO chance that ALL of them are going to get guys that evening, which means that there will be enough stragglers with nothing better to do than take headcounts and go try to find and collect the other girls in the group that may have placed themselves in compromising positions. Ladies!!.. It’s imperative that you leave the club/bar with the same number of chicks you entered the bar with, OR if you know that you’re about to go get some, make sure that you put your girl in a legitimate cab before you bounce.

Do like The U.S. Marines… “No Man Left Behind!”… Except in this case, it’s more like “No Chick Left Assed-Out!”, Nah Meen? :D

~ Bill Cammack | @BillCammack

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Now I know that this post I came across is supposed to be humorous… as are some DatingGenius posts… but I think it’s excellent as a case study, so let’s take a quick look at Tristan Miller’s post from 1999, entitled “Why I Will Never Have A Girlfriend”. Basically, Tristan’s breaking down the problem mathematically:

Number of people on Earth (in 1998): 5,592,830,000
…who are female: 2,941,118,000
…in “developed” countries: 605,601,000
…currently (in 2000) aged 18 to 25: 65,399,083
…who are beautiful: 1,487,838
…and intelligent: 236,053
…and not already committed: 118,027
…and also might like me: 18,726

MAN, do I love this article! :D I could read it every day! :D hahaha

Clearly, here’s the problem, as mentioned in the endnotes & references for the article:

2. ↑ After a short period of brooding, of course, these males will eventually come to the realization that the real reason they were never able to get a girlfriend is that they were too discriminating with their attentions.

As I mentioned in “Life Isn’t Fair”, all guys are not ENTITLED to a girlfriend. We also aren’t all lucky enough to live in New York City, where you can’t throw a rock without hitting a chick. So, it’s possible that due to the combination of a lack of available females and a lack of your being better than the next man (who always pulls the fly chicks before you do), that you find yourself in a similar situation, where it seems like there’s no way out. However… There’s CERTAINLY a way around this problem. All you have to do is…

That’s it! Problem solved! :D All of a sudden, there are hundreds… THOUSANDS of chicks newly available to you, and you get to pass your genes into the next generation! :D

Here are five (5) tips on how to enhance your dating life by lowering your standards. Apply any one of these tips and watch your “dance card” fill up! :) ***NOTE*** Only apply ONE of these tips at a time! :O Combining two or more of them has been known to lead to severe depression as well as plummeting self-esteem.

1. Consider dating girls that do not have an ass.

Yes. I know. I know. :( This is amazingly drastic, and I really should have saved it for last, but since most people can’t read, I wanted to get it out on the table before they click away to some stupid video about Monster Trucks. This is really… I mean… You DON’T want to do this, but if you really find yourself on the bottom of the totem pole, where fewer than 20,000 chicks on the planet would want to date you, it’s time to pull out the stops. So that’s tip #1. Date her even though she doesn’t have an ass. This will IMMEDIATELY double your dating options… unless you live in Boston, which means your options quadruple.

***NOTE*** Only try this tip with girls that are really, really, really, REALLY CUTE, so at least you enjoy looking at them from the front. :D

2. Consider dating girls that are grossly out of shape.

This society has a really stupid policy of not differentiating between girls that happen to be thicker than other girls, yet are still in proper shape/proportion… and chicks that are actually obese. A chick that’s heavier but still shapely can still be physically attractive. The problems occur when you’re scratching your head like “hmm… that’s not supposed to curve in that direction :( “. However, as the saying goes… “Beggars can’t be Choosers”, so you might have to take one for the team this time. Think of it this way… You don’t have to worry about guys kicking it to your girl at the restaurant when you step off to the bathroom.

This is especially useful if YOU aren’t in good shape. I mean, “fair’s fair”, right? :)

3. Consider dating a facially unattractive chick.

This is a REALLY BAD IDEA unless people tend to grow on you… and FAST! Being that this isn’t the Middle East, you’re going to have a really hard time convincing her to cover her entire face, except for her eyes.

image from “Fashion Freedom – Women’s Wear in the Middle East”

Fortunately, those large, gaudy sunglasses are in style now, so you can probably get over by making sure she wears the biggest shades you can find… well, at least until Summer’s over.

Also, you’ll need to practice getting around your crib in the dark so you don’t have to turn on the lights when she comes over.

Again, this is a REALLY bad idea, and usually completely unsustainable unless she has a totally bangin’ body, so let’s just forget about this one unless you need it for a REALLY rainy day.

4. Consider dating a complete imbecile.

I know. I know… You’re wondering “Now.. How am I supposed to know she’s an idiot?”. Well… You’re going to have to actually talk to her… and then, when you’re finished talking, you have to actually LISTEN to her response and check to see if what she said makes any sense. Now, normally, when you find out she’s a dummy, it’s like “…gave her a token and said ‘Shalom’!” (Shalom, being a word in Hebrew that means “Peace”, which is U.S. slang for “GOOD-BYE!” :D ) But, let’s not be hasty. Let’s consider the upside to dating a chick with an IQ in the double-digits.

You don’t have to be very intelligent to outsmart her.
She’s likely to forget that she did the dishes last night and do them again tonight.
She’ll let her sister stay over your house while she works the night shift @ the bowling alley.

hmm… That’s about it. :( Generally, dumb chicks are more trouble than they’re worth.

5. Consider dating girls that do not like you.

Guys do this all the time. All you need is a fancy car or a yacht or something. Just get something she can’t afford, and she’ll hang out with you so she can be seen in and around your property. :)

***NOTE*** With chicks like this, be sure to keep your Condom Game tight… Other guys own stuff, too.

DatingGenius

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