A reader recently asked me something I’ve never thought about before.

She asked me if my opinions in “Why You Got Dumped After Sex” also applied to lesser formats of hooking up, like making out, hummers, etc…

Actually…

I’m not going to be able to answer this in a general fashion… My relationships with women work way differently than the average Joe, so I can’t really imagine what it’s like to be a regular dude.

To me, making out is an expression of love and/or attraction. If a gal inspires me to make out with her, either because I feel close to her in that way or she’s physically turning me on and making me feel like hooking up with her, I’m gonna kiss her.

From my point of view, kissing doesn’t have anything to do with commitment at all. In fact, my record for a simultaneous makeout is three chicks and me. That was back when I was a teenager.

I don’t personally have any problems getting women to want to kiss me, so I can’t possibly relate making out to commitment.

Thinking about it that way, I would say that nothing in my other article applies at all to making out or foreplay.

Generally, what I was saying there was that if guys think they can still get some from a gal, they’re likely to hang in there and see what happens. Once they hit it, if they feel like they’ve put in too much effort to get there and don’t feel like doing all that again, they might bounce. They also might bounce if they didn’t like the sex or if they lose interest in a gal as soon as she lets him in.

I don’t think that applies to making out because that’s still on the way TO the nitty-gritty. It’s not like a guy says “Whew! I finally made out with her!” and isn’t thinking about taking it to the next levels ASAP. I can’t see a guy dumping a gal after making out with her unless he didn’t enjoy kissing her or he gained access to (in his opinion) a better gal shortly after messing with this one.

Hypothetically…

From the other side of the coin.. I can imagine that there are guys that aren’t used to women being attracted to them. I mean, I *KNOW* there are a lot of guys that aren’t used to that, but I’m only speculating about how they feel in trying to write from their perspective.

I would imagine that if it wasn’t a typical occurrence for a guy to hook up with a random chick he’s never met before in life, that making out would be some kind of Earth-Shattering event for him. I could see someone like that saying “We kissed each other, so that means we’re in / starting / on our way to a relationship with each other”.

If that’s the case, then his starting to kiss her would indicate the beginning of something and his stopping would indicate the end of it. This seems to be what the writer was getting at. Something to the effect of that he kissed her and then let it go for a month or so and then the next time they saw each other, they were back at it again.

All I can say about that is that for guys that are voraciously into chicks, it’s a 24/7 issue. If he’s not scheming on you, he’s scheming on (or hooking up with) some other chick.

This is one of the reasons why in a town where there are way more women than men, the concept of playing hard to get doesn’t go over so well. It takes much less time and effort for us to meet a different gal that already wants to hook up with us than to wait for you to stop bullshitting.

If you ever come around, that’s fine, and if you don’t, that’s fine too, because your homegirl expressed her interest when you excused yourself to the bathroom.

So, if a guy’s not immediately back trying to get at you, he’s either busy working or he has other chicks on the roster and your turn hasn’t come back around yet.

Guys also work off of path of least resistance. Unless there’s something extraordinarily different about you (which there normally isn’t), whatever problems you give him about hooking up that the next gal doesn’t give him, you’re short.

• If he has to talk you into it every time and the next gal’s automatically DTF, you’re short.
• If he has to wait for you to get drunk every time and she’s with it when she’s sober, you’re short.
• If he has to convince you to look good when y’all hang out and she naturally hooks herself up, you’re short.
• If you live in a different borough and she lives in the same borough, you’re short.
• If you’re always wasting his money and she’s down to have hot dogs & french fries with him, you’re short.

So.. Unless you made some sort of smashing impression with him, it’s not worth reading a lot into whether he hooked up with you again sooner rather than later.

Relationships & Recreation

Also.. It doesn’t matter whether *YOU* think you made a smashing impression with him.. It matters if HE thinks so. :D

I can’t imagine how many times a chick has told me that she and some other dude had “Great Sex” and I was thinking “um… How do you know THAT? :D” but I didn’t say anything so she could keep feeling grand about herself.

In general.. Without being able to speak for the average Joe, I would suggest that women not place too much value on the fact that a guy made out with you. I most certainly wouldn’t recommend that y’all think you’re in a relationship or have some kind of commitment from him because of it.

Making Out is all part of the basic, primal, human/animal interaction.. It’s foreplay, like feeling up, finger-popping, etc. \o/ It’s fun and it’s sexy, but it’s no big deal.

Is it an indication that he might be thinking about becoming exclusively involved with you? Sure.

Does it mean anything if he kisses you and doesn’t call you for the next two weeks? Nope. :D

He’s either busy and thinking about you or busy and not thinking about you. All you can really do is consider what the next gal’s doing to attract his attention and put your best foot forward during the time you have with him so he might call you instead of her next time he’s in the mood for some female company.

Make no mistake.. I’m not saying you should go outside of your personal comfort zone and do something you don’t feel like doing in order to try to bag a guy. That never works. Do whatever YOU feel like doing with him and veto whatever you don’t feel like doing… He’ll call you or he won’t. He’ll hook up with you again or he won’t. Either way, your life’s going to continue to be GRAND and when there’s a dude that feels like he can’t afford to lose you to the next man, he’s going to pay that consistent amount of attention to you that makes you aware that he might consider you a relationship as opposed to sexy recreation.
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Purplecar called my attention last night to a post on CNN.com by Wendy Atterberry called “Why women shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ first”. There were some decent points in the post, in the typical advice column fashion:

Wendy: “But an ‘I love you’ uttered too soon, before the man has processed his feelings and reached the same level of adoration could end a relationship that just as easily could have had an eternal shelf life. As soon as those words are said, they change the dynamic. If a man isn’t feeling the love quite yet, he may suddenly feel pressure to manifest that emotion. And if the woman doesn’t get the response she expected, it could damage her confidence enough to derail the whole relationship entirely.”

I’m sure that this scenario plays itself out every single day, all around the world. I think the advice is valid for the way people approach “Love”. The problem is that lots of people have a retarded idea of what “Love” actually is.

I know this is going to be hard for you to process, because it so complex, but bear with me for a minute… you ready?… The reality of the situation is:

You Love Who You Love

That’s it. There’s nothing more that matters in that sentence. Everything else is on the fringe… window dressing. There are only two states. You love someone or you don’t. Period. There may be REASONS why you love this person, but that has nothing to do with the STATE of feeling love or being in love.

The mistake that lots of people make is adding external qualifiers to an internal feeling. Whether someone else loves you or not has NOTHING to do with whether YOU love THEM. It’s YOUR feeling, and you feel it or you don’t.

The reason the points in the article are valid is because lots of people play that game… even though they don’t realize they’re playing a game. The game is “I only love someone who loves me”. Sorry. That’s not how it works. :/ If that were even LOGICAL, that would mean that you wouldn’t be able to ACHIEVE the state of “being in love” without the other person loving you beforehand. Of course, that person wouldn’t be able to love you EITHER until you loved THEM, by the same logic.

Just the fact that the article talks about saying “I love you” and not knowing what the other person’s response will be indicates that people achieve the state of being in love ON. THEIR. OWN. It’s YOUR feeling, and really has nothing to do with what the other person feels about you.

For example, I love my relatives. I love my relatives that always do the right thing and I love my relatives that always do the WRONG thing. I might not like their actions or what they said sometimes, but I’m clear that I still love them… and not because I CHOOSE to… It’s just a fact.

I also love women who don’t love me. There’s nothing “boo-hoo” about that. It’s just a fact. I know how I feel about them and I carry that with me. How THEY feel has absolutely nothing to do with my own personal emotional experience of interacting with them.

The fact that people are ashamed or embarrassed to own the fact that they love someone that doesn’t love them is what breaks up perfectly good relationships for no reason at all. Hollywood wants you to believe that you run into some chick and she drops her books and you pick them up for her and look into her eyes and you both know that it’s love at first sight and then you start having kids. Nah. Real Life doesn’t work that way. If it did for you, you’re lucky, so enjoy it! :D IRL, you feel how you feel, and your S.O. feels how they feel, and if it escalates at the same time, good for you.

On top of that.. Saying “I love you” has NOTHING to do with actually loving someone. There are ZERO consequences for saying “I love you” to someone. Try it out the next time you go to work. Select someone you don’t actually love and say “I love you”. See what happens. I’ll tell you right now. Nothing. Saying “I love you” is probably the second easiest way to get laid other than paying an actual hooker. For some reason, women tend to believe it’s impossible for a guy to say he loves her without actually meaning it. It’s only three words. Without the actual feeling, emotion and action behind them, they’re entirely worthless.

So… The REAL answer to that question, “When should a woman say she loves a man?” is…….

When She Loves Him

If you can allow “I love you” to be a personal expression from you to someone else, WITHOUT conditions and expectations of reciprocation, you can say it whenever you want. “I love you” is not a TEST. It’s an indication of your mental and/or emotional state. YOURS. Nobody else’s.

Instead of trying to artificially restrict what you naturally feel, you should just feel glad that you ever loved anybody at all.

~Bill

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I have this friend… We’ll call him “B”……. And… NO, it’s not ME! :/ This isn’t one of those “I have a friend” confessional stories.

So, I met “B” and hung out with him a couple of times and like Arianna supposedly said, I metabolize experiences fast, so I pretty much knew what to expect from “B” when he was on the scene. He had a consistent demeanor and was an overall nice guy and a thoughtful person.

So, fast forward a few months, and I arrive at this cookout, and I see that “B” got there before I did, and he’s talking to a chick. So I’m like “aiiiiiiiite? Way to go, “B”, get your rap ON! :D “… So I walk up to them, and tell “B” ‘hi’, and he introduces me to the woman he’s chatting with, whom we’ll call “V”. I spoke with “V” briefly, as I was just arriving and needed to know where they had stashed the brews!

I excused myself to grab a beer and when I turned back around to look in B & V’s direction, I noticed something out of the ordinary. B was smiling too much! :D Just. Too. Damned. Much! haha It was completely outside of his “normal” demeanor. I stayed over by the brews, observing, but it just didn’t go away! B just kept smiling and smiling and smiling and smiling. Rapt attention, hanging on every single word V was saying. V was smiling also, but that might have been perfectly normal for her, since I had never met her before.

Eventually, I went over and re-joined the conversation, and it just didn’t stop. It was on some kind of Stepford Wives ish, except BOTH OF THEM were brainwashed, and not just the chick. :D

At some point, they left the party, but not before I became aware that B was dating V. They just walked off into the sunset, smiling their asses off like the people in Whoville before The Grinch stole their Christmas.

Fast forward a few more months, and I got to hang out with B & V again, still smiling their asses off, except now they’re married. This took me back to a situation where I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she asked me something like “How old do guys have to be before they’re ready to settle down?”. I knew who she was dating at the time, and didn’t want to tell her she just WASN’T THE ONE that was going to inspire him to “settle”. It doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with how old a guy is or some change that’s supposed to occur within his system on its own. It has EVERYTHING to do with the difference that it makes to him that SHE’S around.
Here in NYC, we meet women every single day…. at least *I* do. I’ll be meeting some more tonight, and some more tomorrow night. *yawn*. When I saw B talking to V, I thought he was starting his rap, but he was in the midst of it. AFAIK, he could have met her right there at that cookout, but it turns out he had brought her with him. *NOTE* That’s a pretty good sign, ladies. If a guy starts dragging you around to social engagements, that normally means that he prefers YOUR company to the random odds of the company he’ll encounter at the event.

Another good sign is that he looked like there was some kind of magnet pulling him towards V, hahaha like it would have been a pain or a struggle to look somewhere else or listen to what someone else had to say when she was right there to be enjoyed, verbally and visually.

So the point is, if you want to know how your relationship’s doing, don’t ask The Kid, :D Use your “woman’s intuition” to determine whether or not you have ANY effect on him whatsoever. If you don’t, your relationship probably won’t be escalating anywhere anytime soon. If you do, he may already be as into you as he’s going to be, which means that regardless of what he CALLS your relationship, he’s “bout-it bout-it” when it comes to you. That’s obviously way more important than whether he gives you a new title or puts a ring on your finger.

I saw the same thing happen with another friend of mine. I had already “metabolized” how he interacted with chicks and then I hung out with him one time with this new chick (meaning *I* had never seen her before), and I swore up and down she had to be his cousin or something, because of his totally different demeanor around her. He was a lot more calm and “chill”. He was clearly where he wanted to be and around someone he loved to be around. That was the difference that SHE made in his life. They’re not married yet, but he bought her a couch, which is pretty much the same thing. :D

Also, in both cases, the women in question weren’t doing anything. Nothing. :) Not cooking, not cleaning, not sexing, not dancing, not trying to be sultry, not dressed in any particular fashion, probably not excessively rich (though I don’t know), both attractive but neither a model… just by being themselves, they brought incredible amounts of enjoyment to their men, which made a difference and made them the cream that rose to the top.

So that’s the answer, ladies. It has nothing to do with WHEN he’ll feel committed to you and everything to do with how he feels when you’re around. If you don’t feel like he’s really feelin’ ya, it’s time to step your game up, get comfortable with your relationship as-is, or step to the left and spend time with someone who honestly, authentically enjoys your company and appreciates you for who you are.

~Bill

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