So I’m reading my friend’s blog post, entitled Date Review: Space Invader, and she’s basically talking about this dude she went out with for the first time that was overstepping boundaries that she had set up for herself.

Her reactions to what he was doing happen to be rather typical, so even though I responded with a comment on her article, I think these things are worth going over at length, so maybe y’all chicks can gain a better understanding of what’s really happening to you when you go on dates.

* I wrote about a different post from her blog 6 months ago, in “*Actual* Anatomy Of A First Date (Guy’s Version)”

It Takes Two To Tango

TheDiva: Last night I accepted an invitation to drinks with [this guy]. I was looking forward to getting out and enjoying a couple of beers with some good conversation.

This appears to be all well & good. :) We would all hope that anytime we get together with anyone and go to a bar that we’re going to enjoy some tasty, effective alcoholic beverages, accompanied by pleasant, intelligent, visually-pleasing company.

Unfortunately.. When you’re going out on a DATE, there’s a reason why you were selected for the date. o_O

This is not an after-work event where you just so happened to end up in a bar talking to some random person. This is not “Girls’ Night Out” where you and your cronies get to commiserate about dudes. This is not a family reunion….. Although.. Some people get raps during their own family reunions, so maybe that scenario doesn’t assist my point…

The point is that you need to focus on what *HE* wants to get out of going on a date with you, not what you EXPECT to happen on the date, or what you think is appropriate or whatever commonly-agreed-upon rules you think “Normal People” follow in life.

Is that because his opinion is more important than yours? Nope. It’s because you are approximately 100% unlikely to do something to yourself that you don’t like. Does that make sense? o_O If you go out on a date with him and something you don’t like happens to you, it’s WAAAAAAAAAAYYY more likely that HE did it to you than that you did it to yourself. Therefore, your job is to focus on what HE’S trying to do, instead of only considering how you envision the evening playing out.

Some people don’t want to live this way. Some people can’t live this way. Some people are just lost in the sauce and will never be able to put the shoe on the proverbial ‘other foot’ and see themselves from the other person’s perspective. If that’s the case, good luck to you. :) Otherwise.. It’s in your best interests to remain vigilant when spending time with people that you don’t know until you have legitimate reasons to consider them trustworthy.

Tell It Like It Is

TheDiva: I had already told this guy that I was not looking for anything right now and really wasn’t into dating, but figured there is no harm in meeting someone new.

Besides the fact that guys don’t care what you think, statements like that are vague, as well as subject to change. “Looking for anything” could be interpreted by a guy as “Looking to get married” or “Looking for a boyfriend”, which is perfect if he was planning on hooking up with you without having you get all clingy! :D “Not into dating” could mean the same thing.. “I don’t really feel like going out to dinner, but I’m definitely DTF“.

As far as him not caring what you think, you (again, pessimistically) have to view the situation from his perspective and according to what his personal agenda is, for a) going on dates with anyone at all, and b) going on a date with YOU, specifically. If his goal was to see if he gets laid and your goal was to enjoy a couple of beers and good conversation, that may or may not work out, as y’all at least started the evening out wanting completely different things… Or.. Maybe not completely different, but his plans included your entire plan, and then some…

As far as the vagueness of those particular statements (not that she was quoting herself, verbatim), y’all females are going to have to be specifically specific about what you’re saying if you want a guy to understand you properly. I know it’s going to feel uncomfortable to you to even THINK about directly stating what you want, need or expect from a guy, but it’s imperative that you get used to laying it out very cleanly and simply. Here are a couple of personal examples (with two different females):

Chick #1

Her: I only mess with my boyfriend.
Me: Are you serious? o_O
Her: Yes.
Me: Ok.

Chick #2

Her: I don’t want you to kiss me anymore.
Me: I asked you if you wanted me to not kiss you the other night, and you said you loved it when I kissed you.
Her: I was drunk then.
Me: Ok.

This is how simply and directly these things need to be discussed.

With Chick#1, We were hanging out and in the process of enjoying each other’s company and she wanted to make it clear that she was physically committed to the guy she was dating. I’m sure a lot of people think this is obvious. It isn’t. Just because a chick’s dating someone doesn’t mean she’s not DTF.. In fact, let’s add that to the list of statements. “I have a boyfriend” does not mean to a guy “I’m not going to have sex with you”.

If what you MEAN is that you don’t intend to hook up with him, that’s exactly what you have to say. On top of that, if a guy’s been on the dating scene more than one year, he’s had a girl lie to his face about having a boyfriend and then found out after the fact that she just used that lie to avoid his advances, so it’s not like we even BELIEVE YOU when you say that.

The way that situation panned out, she said what she had to say, I confirmed and acknowledged her statement and we kept on partying with our new understanding of each other’s position.

The situation with Chick#2, occurred under completely non-interactive, sober circumstances while we were having a discussion. I very well in fact had asked her days before this conversation, during the actual process of kissing her, whether she wanted me to not kiss her. I made it clear that I didn’t mean “Right Now”, but rather if she wanted messing around to not be a part of our relationship in general.

At the time, she gave one answer. Days later, she gave a completely opposing answer. I wasn’t complaining in my response. :D haha I was confused and wanted to understand what had happened in between then and now. Her response made the situation clear to me and I acknowledged receipt of the communication.

Without that verbal exchange, I would have assumed going forward that she was just as interested as she had been the last time we messed around. There are way more issues here, surrounding the problems you encounter when carrying on a relationship with both of the alternate personalities of women who drink, but that’s beyond the scope of this article.

My point, ladies, is that you have to be direct. If you don’t explicitly state what you’re thinking, what you want and what you don’t want, you might not like what you get.

Bar Stools RULE!!!.. They RULE!!!

TheDiva: I arrived at the bar and he had already been waiting. I typically opt for meeting at a diner or restaurant … places where you are not seated closely or sitting right next to someone at a bar… and I came to realize pretty quickly that I am not a fan of this situation at all!

hahaha I initially misread this section and had envisioned them seated at a table. I thought she was explaining the reason WHY they were sitting at a table. She was actually describing her experience of not adhering to her usual steez. :D

I love bar stools. I LOVE THEM!! :D haha bar stools are my friends!.. I put in CRAZY WORK on bar stools. You have no idea how useful bar stools are when you’re kickin’ it to a chick! HAHAHA

As far as her usual technique, that’s a good idea, if you don’t intend to have any physical contact with a dude (even though you went out on a date with him…), having something between you, like a table, is definitely a good idea.

Just so you know.. I easily defeat table-attempts by sitting NEXT TO HER instead of across from her. :D So you might want to not only select a restaurant, but get one where you can specifically request either a booth or a table that’s placed against the wall so he would look like an idiot if he tried to move his chair next to you, placing him directly in the aisle! HAHAHA ;)

TheDiva: Strike one: Immediately he began resting his feet on my chair. This was my first feeling that my personal space was being invaded. Seriously, I think on a first meeting you should be extremely respectful of the other person’s space. I am not a closey-close kind of person right off the bat and this made an already uncomfortable situation even more so.

Again.. The first time I read her article, I was like “That must have been a small-ass table, that he was able to rest his feet on her chair from his seat! o_O” haha Now I realize that he was on a bar stool right next to her bar stool.

Sorry.. That’s SOP (Standard Operating Procedure). If I’m sitting with a chick at a bar, my feet REMAIN on the bottom rung of her chair.. AT LEAST! >:D

Do I think this was a good tactic for the particular guy in this particular situation? Nope. She clearly wasn’t feelin’ him, which should have indicated to him that pressing up that close on her wasn’t going to get him the WIN. I’m just saying that this is another situation where what YOU think and what YOU want are going to be overridden by his goals for the evening unless you SPEAK. THE. ****. UP!

Whatever you think about “respectful of space” or whatever doesn’t count for anything to him. Some people think you shouldn’t cross the street when the sign doesn’t say “Walk”. Some people cross the street whenever there’s no traffic. \o/ You don’t get to make the etiquette rules for someone else, so, again.. Focus on what HE’S trying to do and if it doesn’t match what you want to do, let him know. Directly.

You don’t have to be rude about it, just make sure he gets the picture that he’s losing points with you instead of gaining them. If he’s smart, he’ll get in line and do what you instructed him to do. If he persists, the entire rest of y’all’s relationship is going to consist of him ignoring what you tell him, so you may as well excuse yourself and BOUNCE.

TheDiva: Strike two: Drilling me on what I like/dislike and trying to validate yourself with each answer. Do guys really think that this will convince me they are my perfect match? Maybe I should have just been raw and honest and broke him down piece by piece as to why I already knew I wasn’t feeling it?

This is also SOP. I don’t do it personally, because it doesn’t work on intelligent women. Lots of guys do this, though, so it’s a good tactic to be aware of… Whatever you like? I like that too! :D *waves* .. Whatever traits you like in a guy?.. GOT ‘EM!!! :D .. Whatever you think about kids? Me too. Dogs? Me too. Yankees vs. Mets? ME TOOOOO!!! :D .. whatever. Business is Business.

As far as whether you should have told him you weren’t feeling the date, I guess that depends on how much of a philanthropist you are. :D I don’t date, personally, but if I did, I’d bite the bullet if a date was wack and I would strive to last whatever amount of time I had agreed to spend with her.

Having said that, I’m the aggressOR, not the aggressEE, so if I’m on a bad date, that just means I don’t feel like hooking up with the chick, so I’m sitting there bored, wasting my time (except for the tasty alcoholic beverages I’m consuming). It’s not like the chick is pressing up on me or invading my space. It’s like being at a boring job, waiting for the clock to tick to 5pm so I can escape and go live my real life, so whether you should cut a date short or not depends on your level of discomfort and whether you feel this date could possibly get better if you wait it out, or that it’s only going to get worse.

Who Are You Telling, Exactly?

TheDiva: Strike three: As if the foot on my chair isn’t enough invasion… please don’t rest your knee against me. We just met! There is no reason what so ever that any of your body should be touching mine. So back off and recognize that I am inching away every time you try this move. Not to mention I have totally turned my body away from you at this point.

Redundant issues at this point. The leg-touching-leg is SOP in bar-stool tactics. Next comes her legs sandwiched by my legs, or either my left or right leg between hers, then hands on thighs, then standing in front of her, then around behind her to massage her back.. *yawn*

The other redundant issue is that y’all need to stop talking to yourselves or to Mr. Magoo or to The Great Gazoo or whomever you’re telling all this “He should do this and he should act like that and this isn’t appropriate because” and OPEN. YOUR. *******. MOUTHS. and say something verbally, out loud, directly to the guy, so that he can hear it, when he’s encroaching on your personal space or doing anything else at all that you don’t like.

All this waiting for him to realize the error of his ways is going to do absolutely NOTHING for you. He’s not malfunctioning. :D He’s doing what he CAME THERE TO DO, which is GET HIS HANDS ON A CHICK THAT HE’S ATTRACTED TO. That is the POINT of a DATE! :D If he didn’t want to get his hands on YOU…. wait for it……… He’d be on a date with A DIFFERENT CHICK!

This is what I mean when I say you have to pay attention to HIS goals for the evening. Nobody cares about your personal space. Nobody cares about “We just met”. Nobody cares about “I put my leg on her seat and she didn’t verbally suggest that I remove it”. Nobody cares about “I put my knee against her leg and she didn’t verbally tell me she didn’t want me to touch her”. Nobody cares about “She turned her body away from me”. All he knows is that he’s trying to get laid and you haven’t left yet, so he’s still in the game.

TheDiva: Last and final strikes: Under no circumstance what so ever is it appropriate to grab a woman’s hand and hold on to it. This happened TWICE! The first time was early on and he wanted to see my wrist tattoo… ask me and I will be happy to give you a good view of it, but grabbing my hand and holding it is a major DON’T.

The second time he grabbed both my hands to look at my nails and just held on to them! WHAT THE HELL!? This was so inappropriate. I said “can I have my hand back??” and pulled away.

Yeah.. This is REALLY BAD technique. :D There’s no way that was going to work in this circumstance. That’s not SOP. I don’t even know WHAT that is! It’s just dumb! :D

I’m glad she actually SAID something this time, but “Can I have…” isn’t the same as saying “Don’t touch me”, just like “I have a boyfriend” isn’t the same as saying “I’m not going to kiss you”.

I know that Dr. Phil and body language experts and other people tell women that if you act a certain way, guys will get the hint. I’m telling you that the *ONLY* way to go is directly stating exactly what you want and don’t want him to do to or for you. Even if a guy gets the non-verbal hint “She’s turned her body away from me, which indicates displeasure with me”, he might not give a flying ****. Did you consider that? What if he knew putting his foot on your chair made you uncomfortable and he kept going? What if he knew putting his leg against yours made you uncomfortable and he kept going? What if he knew that the first time he grabbed your hands it made you uncomfortable and he kept going? o_O

Where was this supposed to stop?….. That’s why you need to inform guys what your personal boundaries are with them. If you don’t draw any lines, guys are going to keep stepping over the imaginary lines that you think are clearly drawn for anyone with common sense and good manners. I’ll bet if this guy were asked, he’d have a totally different perspective of what happened that night. Up until this point right here, she hasn’t given him one clear indication that he’s in violation of her personal rules for guys that would like to date her.

If she would have verbally vetoed the foot on the chair, or verbally vetoed his leg on her leg, either a) it would never have gotten to the hand-grabbing stage, or b) when that happened, it would have been clear to her that this guy intends to do whatever he wants, regardless of what she thinks or says, which would most likely have been the evidence she needs to excuse herself (or not, haha) and BOUNCE.

Sleepers

TheDiva: I wonder what the other people at the bar thought of us. I wonder how obvious it was that I was totally not feeling this guy. I wish someone had stepped in to save me.

This, in fact, is a VERY DANGEROUS mindset. Seriously.

There’s this myth that just because you’re around other people, they’re a) going to perceive that you need help, and b) step in to “save you”, potentially endangering themselves in the process.

For the most part, that’s not going to happen.

First of all, from everything I read so far, there have been ZERO INDICATIONS of any danger from the guy towards her.

Second, there’s no indication of what relationship they have to each other.

Even if someone saw her pull her hand away and say “Can I have my hand back?”, nobody knows if they’re in a LTR together and that’s how they relate to each other.

Nobody knows what either of them said to each other.

It’s apparent that she can just move her chair and walk away if she feels like it.

She’s not screaming at him OR yelling for anyone to come help her get away from this guy… Most people, under these circumstances, are going to mind their own ******* business.

In fact.. On any given evening in Manhattan, NYC, you can spot guys or gals sprawled out drunk in the street, or resting comfortably on top of a pile of garbage… You know damned well that you weren’t the first person to walk down that street. When you get there, there might even be several people milling about, socializing, only a few feet away from the sleeper.

My point being that if people can walk right by, around, or, in some cases, step over someone that’s obviously physically incapacitated, what makes women think that people are going to “save them” from what appears to be a perfectly normal dating situation? o_O

If you don’t believe what I’m saying to you, watch it in action in these videos:

YouTube link to part 01 of the video => [link]

YouTube link to part 02 of the video => [link]

According to Professor Carrie Keating in the first video, “We’re so sensitive to embarrassment, to stepping out of line, to one another’s privacy, that sometimes we don’t step up when real action is called for.”

I’m Leaving My Wife (But Haven’t Yet)

TheDiva: So, in conclusion – the beer was excellent but the company was far too intrusive. Not to mention our conversation consisted of what I like/dislike, his soon to be Ex Wife who still lives with him, and Cats. *yawn*
Maybe it’s just me? Are there any women out there who like this sort of behaviour?

For the record, hahaha “I’m going to leave my wife” is SOP too. :D Variations include “We’re still together, but filed for separation”, “We’re separated, but filed for divorce”, “We’re divorced and we share a house as roommates”, “We’re divorced and sharing a house until our lease is up, when I’ll move to a new apartment on my own”, “We’re divorced, but still live together for the sake of the kids”, “We’re divorced, but can’t afford to live anywhere else right now”…….

Anyway.. I wanted to talk about this situation because it’s typical. It’s not an anomaly. TheDiva didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. Guys press up on gals every single day and try to get laid. That’s how most people were born. It’s a biological imperative.

If a guy wants to kick it to you, it’s on *YOU* to let him know what the boundaries are as far as behavior that you’re willing to accept from him. You have to speak. up. and tell him what you do and don’t want him to do. You could elect to be polite about it if they seem to be honest mistakes or just him not understanding that he’s violating. Other than that, you have to put your foot down and let him know directly that he’s out of pocket, and if it persists, you’re leaving.

Unfortunately.. The Game never changed and it never will. People want to tell you that guys are going to act like gentlemen, keep their hands off of you and not try to hook up with you on the first date because… um… because…….. because it’s 2010? :D HAHAHA Don’t you think people said the same thing back in the day, like “He wouldn’t dare do XYZ.. It’s 1950!!! :O”

Do you think people went plum loco buck wild crazy and turned into sex freaks in the 1960′s and then just happened to change their minds at some point? If so, what year did the changeover occur? :D

It DIDN’T OCCUR is the answer, so, regardless of what y’all think is improper or unacceptable or inappropriate, recognize that it takes two people to go on a date. If his goals for the evening aren’t the same as yours and he ends up being unintentionally or intentionally disrespectful, it’s going to be ON *YOU* to let him know what time it is, shut him down if necessary, and if that doesn’t seem to be working, get your ass up off that bar stool and SKATE! >:D
–
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What is a Cougar? How come this dating term only applies to females and not to males who exhibit the same behaviors?

Definition

According to Wikipedia, a Cougar is “a woman, 40 years of age or older, who pursues younger men, typically more than eight years her junior. The term is also commonly applied to women that are thirty or older.”

This is clearly a corny & simpe viewpoint. Urban Dictionary has some more definitions for us:

• An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or MILF. Cougars are gaining in popularity — particularly the true hotties — as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her **** together.
• (see also hunt, prowl, corner, pounce). Noun. A 35+ year old female who is on the “hunt” for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar in San Francisco (or other cities) waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. “Man is cougar’s number one prey”
• An attractive woman in her 30′s or 40′s who is on the hunt once again. She may be found in the usual hunting grounds: nightclubs, bars, beaches, etc. She will not play the usual B.S. games that women in their early twenties participate in. End state, she will be going for the kill, just like you. Associated with MILFs.
• A woman in her sexual prime who prefers to hunt rather than be hunted. A cougar’s victims are usually under 25, as cougars prefer to mate with men who still have hair. Cougars generally feed and then continue hunting, as they enjoy role reversal.
• A Cougar is a female, usually between thirty and fifty years-old, who enjoys the sexual company of younger men. Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five. Also, Cougars are non-committal, choosing to move from mate to mate without ever settling down. It is not uncommon for the same Cougar to attack (sleep with) many different men in the same group of friends. Furthermore, Cougars are older and more practiced in the ways of snaring a mate so they will rarely broadcast their intentions to sleep with you until you are already in her Jetta, headed for the condo she just bought. It is this elusive behavior that earns her the name “Cougar.”
• Hot and sexy older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single or married, who is sick of her same-age counterparts which are usually hairless, have big guts, who only talk about their insurance premiums and have the TV remote control attached to their hands. Cougars are attractive, in their sexual prime, who know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it. BIG misconception is that they dress cheap, wear hot pink nail polish, animal skin prints and are not-so-attractive old-looking hags with bleached hair (Yeah those women exist, but they are NOT cougars). True cougars are classy, beautiful creatures who have made their successes on their own, have real brains, usually with expensive cars/homes, and are real head turners. Cougars seek younger men, and don’t have to sneak up and attack…they know their younger mates are eager to get an experienced woman who won’t ask if they’ll call them the next day. Being a cougar is a positive thing.

Did you notice how this is like a crime scene where everyone has a different description of the perp? :D

She was 35.. No.. She was 50…
She was rich.. No.. She was broke…
She looked busted.. No.. She looked HAWT!!! :D

For the purpose of this discussion, I’m going to define a Cougar as a female that’s older than the male she’s kickin’ it to who has uncommon advantages over that male that she’s not “supposed” to have.

We need to keep the “older than” component, or the concept isn’t any fun. If you get served by a chick your age or younger, she was just smarter than you and your life sucks.

I’m willing to toss the “how much money she has” component and the “whether she looks good or not” component as those aren’t going to be primary issues during the locker-room talk debriefing the next day with his boys. As soon as he mentions that he hooked up with an older chick, the conversation could potentially stall there indefinitely as he attempts to explain why and save face in front of his friends who are dying to call him “desperate”.

The age component needs to be dropped lower because those mid-western grade-school teachers that keep getting busted for being in love with their 14-year-old (happy as HELL to get laid!!! :D) students already qualify as Cougars in their late 20′s.

So we need for the Cougar to be older, except we also need for her to have uncommon advantages in the relationship. Otherwise, she qualifies as a MILF, which is a similar, yet completely different fetish category.

MILFs

The acronym MILF stands for Mother I’d Like to ****. It’s a technically incorrect term because nobody cares whether the older chick has kids or not. The concept is more that she’s old enough to have kids or maybe that the way she looks, you would say “She’s old enough to be my mother” even though she might only be 5 years older than you are.

MILFs don’t have any advantages in relationships.

They’re just like regular females except they were born before you were. You don’t need to apply any special tactics for them. Actually, you can do even less as you imagine them to be relatively desperate and hungry for some male action.

MILFs are a fetish category because they’re not supposed to still be in The Game. They’re supposed to have had all the sex they’re going to have in their lives and now, their function is being somebody’s mother or a secretary or something.

The problem with this theory is that women supposedly peak sexually in their 30′s, so even though their looks might be way past their prime, they’re way more DTF (Down To ****) than younger girls who are still playing stupid games and frontin’ like they don’t want to hook up with you when you know that they’re dying to give you some.

So, a MILF is an older woman that you’re not supposed to be able to have sex with, but somehow you do.. Like, you go to some chick’s house to take her out to the club and she got stuck at the library studying so her mother invites you wait for her inside and you happen to hook up with the moms, probably including all sorts of stuff that her daughter wouldn’t have done for you anyway.

Or.. Maybe you decide to do your laundry late at night and this older gal is the only one in the laundromat and one thing leads to another…

These qualify as MILF encounters… Regular stuff, except it just so happens that the gal’s older than you are.

Cougars

A cougar, OTOH, is making moves from her own personal power. You have to imagine a Stella trying to get her Groove Back.

The Cougar knows what she wants and she knows how to get it. There’s an empty space she’s trying to fill… She’s looking to add an element to her already HAPPENIN’ lifestyle.

Unfortunately.. Unless you know how to tell the difference, a Cougar looks just like a MILF and you might could get caught slippin’. :D

It might be a part of her game plan to play that submissive “Oh.. I do declare!.. I think this whippersnapper’s trying to have sex with me! :O” role because she doesn’t want to scare you off by saying “Let’s get out of here” or asking you to accompany her to the bathroom of the bar and then locking both of y’all inside.

The trick to the Cougar is that “She don’t need you.. She’ll let the welfare feed you.”.. The tricks that usually work on women will actually leave you in a worse position than if you hadn’t tried to use them.

Declarations of love and promises of long-term relationships don’t have the pantie-dropping effect they’re supposed to. She’s not looking for Mr. Right.. She’s looking for Mr. Right Now. >:D

It’s also easy to miss it entirely when a Cougar propositions you because the way some of them press up is so subtle and slick. For instance, they might use the typical guy’s trick of feigning interest in your business so you have to.. what?.. Give her your business card.

After that, you need to talka about the business, right?.. Which is usually best discussed over what?.. Dinner. O_o

Of course, you need to meet at the restaurant’s bar before dinner, which leads to what?.. Drinks…

Next thing you know, you’ve gone on a full-fledged DATE with her and you can’t even accuse her of having asked you out! :D

So What?

What difference does any of this make? How come we need a special term for this behavior?

Cougars do what they want to do when they want to do it. If this attitude somehow permeated the female population, it would be a complete disaster for guys trying to get laid.

Sometimes, the only leverage you have is that she wants you to spend money on her or take her dancing or buy her a house.. The only carrot you have to dangle in front of her face is how much better her life will be if she hooks up with you. Take that away, and women would only give it up to guys they actually thought were sexy, and society as we know it goes down the tubes. :D

Once you label the behavior, you can convince people that it’s a deviant lifestyle and eventually even prescribe medication for it. mo money, Mo Money, MO MONEY!!! :D

More importantly, you can utilize the new distinction to brainwash girls that this is not who they want to be when they grow up.. A free-thinking, financially independent woman enjoying her life without being subservient to a man (unless that’s how she gets her kicks..) and getting involved with sex & relationships on her own terms.

It’s kind of like how they try to blackmail guys into selecting a girlfriend by telling us “You don’t want to end up as that old-ass man at the bar, do you?”

Speaking of which…

Male Cougars?

There is no similar term that means male that’s older than the female he’s kickin’ it to who has uncommon advantages over that female that he’s not “supposed” to have.

Guys are SUPPOSED to have lots of advantages over the women they’re dating. That’s the whole point of the mating ritual. She’s trying to make a come-up by latching onto a guy that’s better than her, taller than her, stronger than her, richer than her, with a better career than she has, owns more property than her, has better genes than her family does, etc etc etc.

The phrase women like to use is “I can do poorly all by myself!”

There’s no point in a woman latching onto a man who’s a lesser human being than she is unless she’s one of those people that enjoys telling people what to do. If that’s her idea of a fun relationship, then more power to her.

So there IS no Cougar-type term for guys because we date women as young as we like, so long as they’re legal in that particular state.

Will you ever see Hugh Hefner cold lampin’ with chicks his age? NOPE!.. He likes young chicks and can afford as many of them as he likes. There’s no term for that, except perhaps “The American Dream”. >:D

According to society’s standards, guys are SUPPOSED to be older than the gals they date. They’re supposed to be taller and smarter and richer… It’s not enough of an issue to warrant a particular label, just like women getting laid *WELL* isn’t enough of an issue to warrant the creation of brothels where women can go to Get Their Groove Back right quick and then get on with their business like men all over the world do every single day of life.

According to a recent Time/CNN article, the Cougar craze is a myth… What do YOU think? O_o

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Throwing a party in the year 2010 isn’t what it used to be. We’re all virtually connected now, through Social Media.

Back in the day, it was all about “Come to my party!!! :D” and since nobody knew anybody else online, it was pot luck what happened when you arrived.

That’s over now.

With Facebook, eVite, and a bunch of other sites, you now have access to *ALL* of the information you need in order to determine whether you’re going to a party or not. You know when it is, where it is, how much it costs and who it is that claims they’re going to go. If you need more information than that, you can look up the website to the venue and see the menu, who’s DJing, etc.

Besides the obvious reasons, this is important information because as our Social Media networks expand, we get more invites and there are more overlapping events. As of today, I have 1,905 Facebook friends, which means that if they were evenly spread out throughout the year, it would be FIVE PEOPLE’S BIRTHDAYS, EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE YEAR.

Not every weekend. Each one of 365 days, it would be FIVE PEOPLE’S birthdays and if they all decided to throw parties ON their birthday, probably three out of those five people are getting bumped… ASSUMING that I wanted to party every single day of my life.

To be fair.. I only know 475 people that live in Manhattan, NYC, 101 that live in Brooklyn, and a few more scattered around the Tri-State Area, so let’s call it 600 people that might throw a party in Manhattan any day of the week… Except… Nobody throws parties on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. Thursday is a maybe, with Friday and Saturday being definites, so mostly what happens is that the 10 people who celebrated birthdays this week *ALL* want to have their parties on either Friday night or Saturday night between 7pm and 4am.

That’s also not counting *ANY* of the networking parties that companies like to throw on a regular basis, holiday parties, housewarming parties, graduation parties, engagement parties, or even small get-togethers that you plan with friends. When you know a lot of people, there’s a tremendous overlap of Social Engagements.

There are a couple of ways that people deal with this:

Be Everywhere

The solution to this for some people is to attend EVERY party they’re invited to. I had seen this on television, but had never experienced it until a couple of years ago.

A homegirl of mine invited me to hang out with her and some of her friends at an apartment party, so I was like “cool”. We got to the party, everybody’s socializing and ‘getting they DRANK on’, and suddenly someone announces that we’re moving to a different party. I’m thinking “We already have chicks and brews. Why are we going somewhere else?”, but I was rollin’ wit da homies, so we geared up and rolled out.

We show up at some apartment building blocks away and the doorman doesn’t want to let 12 already-drunk people into the building, so we had to wait for someone to call upstairs and have one of the hosts ‘ok’ us. We go upstairs and it’s a MUCH nicer apartment than where we started, with MORE alcohol and HOTTER chicks, so I’m like “nice move, y’all! :D”. The entire group we showed up with dispersed into the crowd and we socialized for maybe an hour, then it was like “We’re going to the next party” and I’m like WHAAAAT? :/

We ended up going to either four or five parties in one evening, with the point being that the people I was hanging out with would be talked about by the people that saw them at each of the parties. It was like a public relations tour. The point wasn’t to socialize, but to Be Seen so their names could be on the tips of everyone’s tongues at the water cooler on Monday.

This is because in that society, name-dropping is where it’s at. First you want to say WHERE the party was or who the host was and then you want to say WHO was there, even if that person didn’t say a single word to you or notice that you were at the party.

Let’s Not, And Say We Did

For most people, that’s neither fun nor interesting. Well, actually, I guess for *MOST* people, they’re lucky if someone they know is throwing a party AT ALL.

I’m saying that for most people that get invited to a ton of stuff, more parties thrown = more parties *MISSED*, not ALL PARTIES ATTENDED for a fraction of the time so other people could say they were at a party with you. :/

It’s YOUR JOB to make your event as attractive to your target audience as possible, as early as possible and as transparently as possible so you end up with the Voltron effect of a buzz starting on the back-channel and multiple people encouraging multiple people that your party is going to be ‘the place to be’ and that everyone should converge in that place and time to REALLY get their party on! :D

Here are some tips on how to maximize attendance at your parties:

1. Make sure your guest list is available on the net

In the movie “Ronin”, De Niro says “I never walk into a place I don’t know how to walk out of”. The same holds true for parties. If you can’t see at least who CLAIMS they’re going to attend a party, you have to assume the worst. You have to assume that nobody you want to see is going to be there and that the party will be populated with people you DON’T want to see. That event automatically drops to the bottom of the list. Seeya!

2. Do not select a venue with a “cover”

If there’s a cover charge to get into the place where you’re throwing a party, ASSUME that your party drops to the bottom of the list. There are too many places in Manhattan that I can walk into for free. I’m not interested in handing someone money to enter a bar. I’m way more likely to take my money 20 steps to the left and walk into a different bar for free and spend my money buying food & drinks. It’s just the principle of the thing.

3. Make sure the bar doesn’t discriminate against guys

Girls wouldn’t know this because they receive special privileges when they go places, such as not having to stand in line “because it’s cold outside”, but there are lots of places in Manhattan that will not allow guys to enter without girls on their arms. I understand why they do this, because they don’t want their bar to become a pick-up joint with guys hovering around the chicks all night, causing the chicks to select a different venue, causing the guys to select a venue with better chicks, causing the bar to shut down entirely.

If I suspect that a) there’s going to be a line to get into a place, and b) that even if I stand on the line, I might get jerked by the doorman because you invited me to a party at a place that doesn’t want to let “single” guys in, I’m not coming.

4. Make sure there’s no line to get in

Speaking of lines.. Nobody that’s been getting their drink on before your party wants to stand in a line for 30 minutes, sobering up. **** that. If you just HAVE to throw your party there, make sure there are provisions for your guests to skip the line by informing the doorman that they’re there for your party. Other than that, you can expect people to follow the path of least resistance and break north instead of waiting on a line in the middle of the night feeling their alcohol wearing off.

5. Sponsor the right things

A lot of companies throw parties and they get “sponsors” to give them money in order to attach their name to the event. If you throw a party that’s sponsored, be intelligent about what you’re allocating your money towards.

I went to one specifically notorious party about a year ago that had claimed to be sponsored and when I got there, the chicken wings were free and the small-ass bottles of beer were NINE ******* DOLLARS!!! >:/

As soon as I found that out, my friend and I rolled *IMMEDIATELY* to a different party that had advertised an open vodka bar for a full hour after we arrived there.

The difference between the two was that you knew you were going to pay for drinks at the second party AFTER the free drinks were over, yet the first party had advertised itself as “sponsored” and not informed you that the free stuff wasn’t anything you actually cared about. Obviously, the hosts of the second party received all the forward-extending feelings of goodwill and the hosts of the first party were never believed again when they advertises a party. Bottom of the list! Seeya! :D

6. Noise

If you’re throwing a dance party, fine.. Make sure the music is loud so people can enjoy themselves. Other than that, make sure that the venue is as quiet as possible (without trying to be a library… shhhhhhhh! :D) so that the people that show up can meet and greet each other and get to know each other without having to shout over the din.

7. Crowd

If you’re planning on having more than five (5) people attend an event, make sure you don’t select a popular location that’s going to be crowded. There are three problems with this. There’s noise, like I just talked about.. There’s the ability for your entire group to get and retain seating, and there’s the ability for your group to re-up with drinks.

Too many people in a bar means that the waitresses are going to be overextended. They’re not going to come around often, and when they do, they won’t be coming back with your drinks soon. There’s also a good chance they’ll get your order wrong, trying to serve so many people.. ESPECIALLY if the people that ordered drinks are now located in different places because you didn’t properly lock down your seating arrangements.

If there’s no waitress, too many people means that the bartenders are overextended or that you can’t even GET to the bar because there’s such a backlog of people that are clamoring to get drinks. Either way, the net result is that the alcohol isn’t flowing the way it’s supposed to and it’s going to put a damper on your party if not cause people to leave early to head to a better-functioning party.

8. Tab

Speaking of people leaving early, coughstevecough, Do *NOT* start group tabs unless you’re willing to eat the entire bill.

When people are partying, they’re not keeping tabs of who came and went or who ordered what, but the waitress is. Do NOT expect people to kick in their share before they walk out the door, because sometimes, they have to leave quickly and forget. Sometimes, they’re too drunk to remember. Sometimes, they’re just like “Let someone else pay for my drinks.. PAYCE!!! :D”.

If you don’t have a “sponsor” picking up the tab, or it’s not a house party where you’re providing the liquor yourself or suggesting that people bring what they’d like to drink, let people know on the invite that you’re getting together at a specific place and that they need to bring cash or their own cards to deal separately with the food and drinks they order.

9. Timing

Plan your parties when other parties aren’t happening. Plan your parties when people aren’t normally partying. Stop feeling yourself that people are going to select your event over all the others. Having your party at 7pm and making sure that the venue sells good and inexpensive food might get a lot of people to show up that would have written you off in the 9pm slot or the 11pm slot or the 1am slot, due to more compelling engagements.

10. Location

Make sure your parties are centrally located within the group of people you’re inviting. If you live in Jersey and your guest list lives mostly in Manhattan, throw your party in Manhattan. If you live uptown, throw your party in the Lower East Side.

Do NOT expect people to come to you if you live somewhere out-of-the-way. When the party’s over, your guests will either have to spend an hour or two in the subway, waiting for and riding the train, or they have a $20 cab bill to look forward to. Not cool. Lots of people would LIKE to attend parties, but because of the location and travel issues, skip it for the path of least resistance.

11. Expense

Do NOT throw parties in expensive places, unless you’re “Ballin’, Shot Callin’” and you’re planning to pay for other people to drink.

When people have to pay $15 for drinks that should cost $5, they don’t spend three times as much.. they become only 1/3 as drunk. That’s no good for your party because people drink more slowly, have less of a good time, bring less energy to your event and are quietly scheming on LEAVING so they can go somewhere with affordable alcohol… Including HOME! :D

On top of that, if people know ahead of time that your venue is expensive, they’re liable to stay longer at the dive bar with the cheap alcohol where they started the evening. The longer they stay there, the more chance they’ll meet someone they want to hang out with for the rest of the night and suddenly, your party takes a dive into the dead pool.

12. Be Reliable

Make sure that when you host an event, what actually happens is congruent with what you advertised in the invitation. Do not have people show up to one bar, only to find out that nobody there has heard of your group because you changed venues and didn’t use your Social Media reach to announce that. Do not advertise that there are going to be a bunch of girls at your event and then there are a bunch of dudes. Do not advertise that it’s free and then there’s a cover. Do not say “Meet me inside” and then the doorman doesn’t want to let guys in without female accompaniment. Do not run up a group tab and then ask the people that are left at the end of the night to chip in for the extra amount from people that left early without paying their share. Do not say you’re sponsored when the alcohol isn’t free. Do not ambush people with hidden guest lists. If you’re charging for the party, make sure your guests know exactly what they’re going to receive for their money.

Nobody’s the only host or ‘draw’ of their parties anymore. Party attendance is viral. Groups of people come to a place to hang out with groups of other people. The number of individual groups you attract to your event determines the overall size of the party.

You might have the free alcohol, but someone else has a visible guest list where others are willing to pay for their own drinks to enjoy those particular people’s company. You might have the fancier venue but your guest isn’t willing to dress up. You might have the trendier venue, but a guy isn’t willing to shell out $30/round for him and his companion for the evening to drink, when it should be $12/round. You might have a party during the exact same time slot, but the other party’s much easier/faster for your guests to get home from…

There are really too many variables in today’s hypernetworked society to assume that YOUR event is the top draw of the evening. It’s in your best interest to make your party transparently as attractive as possible as soon as possible so the buzz gets out there on the back-channel between people checking with other people what they’re doing on that particular evening. Your guests are as important in publicizing your party as you are, if not more so.

The days of “One event per evening” are OVER. You’re not only in competition with the weather, but events going on the same evening, the night before AND the night after, depending on how much time out of the week a person has allocated towards publicly socializing. It’s on you to do the right things so you can maximize your event attendance, expand your sphere of influence and build your rep as a party promoter or connector.

If you have your own party tips, post them in the comments, below. :)

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If you’re not from New York City, and specifically Manhattan, you’re not going to understand what this is a picture of. :)

Manhattan has garbage collection days. They don’t come get the garbage every day. This means that when stores know that the day is coming up, they bring all their garbage bags from the basement and pile them up out on the sidewalk.

Sometimes, it’s only three bags, but it could easily be 10-20 garbage bags making their own little mountain out in the street.

The point is that the garbagemen are going to come get the bags in the wee hours of the morning so that your customers never see a stack of garbage out in front of your restaurant or whatever.

Meanwhile, this is the exact same time that people go out to party here. A lot of times, people don’t even ARRIVE to bars before midnight, and since the bars close around 4:30am, there’s often a correlation between when drunk-ass-people stumble their asses out of a bar and when this mountain of garbage bags is chillin’ outside, waiting to get picked up.

Cold Lampin’ In The Garbage

So… What you’re looking at in this picture, which was snapped by my friend G.C., is a female, OUTSIDE!, in the street, out on the sidewalk near the curb, cold lampin’ in a stack of garbage bags, gettin’ her SNOOZE on, probably because she’s too drunk to do anything else. Needless to say, ladies… This is *NOT* a Good Look. :D

Women roll in packs around here. You can easily spot groups of 4-5 gals at a time mosseing around town. There are a lot of complaints from guys about how nosey these girls are in each other’s business, especially when you’re about to get a rap and one or more of them arrive to cockblock you for no apparent reason. Well… THIS is the reason.

Ladies!… Stop. Incapacitating. Yourselves. When. You. Go. Out. To. Party!. Srsly. In this case, G.C. did the neighborly thing and called the cops so they could come see if they could wake her ass up and get her moving to wherever she lives. You don’t want to actually wake someone like this up, because (as I well know, myself) people that are drunk don’t have the best memory and could easily blame YOU for the condition they put THEMSELVES in, even though all you were trying to do was look out for someone in a bad situation as we all should.

The other reason is that if she had been actually hurt instead of sleeping, you don’t want to get fingerprints on her from trying to remove her from her personal stack of garbage. The obvious exception would be if you perceived her to be choking or something, then you have to take your chances and help her out. Other than that, your only obligation is to call the cops and make sure nobody ***** with her until the cops get there.

Escort The Ladies Home

The pic of the chick in the garbage illustrates why I ALWAYS put women IN their apartments after we hang out (except in the cases where they live in the totally opposite direction from me and it would take me another hour or two to get home, in which case I make sure they get in a YELLOW cab and text me when they get home).

I was working a couple of months ago with my friends Rosie & Autumn and I’m standing there waiting with them for their car service to leave, and they’re telling me some ******** about how nobody’s going to mess with them because they know Kung Fu or something, and I’m like :/

I eventually ended up leaving, but I wasn’t happy about it. The only reason I left was that we were in a well-populated area and we had been WORKING, not DRINKING, so I didn’t have any doubt that they’d get their car eventually and make it home safely.

One of the things about Manhattan, NYC is that we can drink as much as we like because we have 24/7 yellow cab service. I can get a cab within 5 minutes at 5am. Lots of times, the cabbie’s had to wake me up so I could get the **** out of his cab! :D Lots of times, friends of mine who were less wasted than I was made sure that *I* got home, so I make sure that I return that favor and look out for women I’m spending time with. Saying “PEACE!” at the door of the bar and leaving her to stumble down the street and MAYBE make it to the avenue and flag down a cab instead of landing in a bunch of garbage to sleep it off is completely unacceptable to me. Completely.

The funny thing about this is that it looks like a scam! :D It looks like I’m trying to take advantage of them by saying “Oh… Let me walk you home! >:D” or getting out of the cab with them to walk them upstairs to their apartments. It looks like the old “Can I use your bathroom?” gimmick to get in a chick’s house and try to get some at the last minute. The fact of the matter is that I’ve SEEN exactly what this picture shows. I’ve SEEN guys and gals sprawled out on the concrete sidewalks of NYC at 2-5am, sleeping as if they were in their own beds. Since that’s not what I want for my friends, I do the best I can to make sure they get TO their block, TO their building, upstairs TO their floor, INSIDE their apartments and LOCK THE DOOR after I leave.

Homegirls, UNITE!!! :D

This is why it’s so important for those packs of gals wandering the streets of Manhattan to keep up with each other’s whereabouts. I know we hate it as guys when these nosey broads (THANK YOU FOR “BROADS”, MTV’S JERSEY SHORE!!! :D) destroy our raps by pulling their girlfriends away from us just before we get to make out with her, but it’s an important part of the NYC ecosystem. Her girlfriends don’t know a) how incapacitated she currently is, and b) what YOU’RE going to do with her once she passes out. Even though chicks tend to overdo it, it’s their sworn duty to look out for each other, especially when they know that if their girl gets tipsy, she’s liable to give it up to any guy she finds sexually attactive, but “saving her from herself” is an entirely different issue. :)

All I see in this pic is a chick sleeping in the garbage, but I personally feel that this was a HEF (Homegirl Epic Failure). This is why chicks need to go out in packs. If only two gals go out together and one of them gets a rap, her homegirl is Ass Out (Also said as Assed Out, meaning S.O.L. or **** Out of Luck). The benefit of having 4-6 girls roll out together is that there’s ZERO chance that ALL of them are going to get guys that evening, which means that there will be enough stragglers with nothing better to do than take headcounts and go try to find and collect the other girls in the group that may have placed themselves in compromising positions. Ladies!!.. It’s imperative that you leave the club/bar with the same number of chicks you entered the bar with, OR if you know that you’re about to go get some, make sure that you put your girl in a legitimate cab before you bounce.

Do like The U.S. Marines… “No Man Left Behind!”… Except in this case, it’s more like “No Chick Left Assed-Out!”, Nah Meen? :D

~ Bill Cammack | @BillCammack

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