The other night, I had a fascinating conversation about what “Friends With Benefits” (FWB) means.

FWB is an umbrella term that covers more than one situation.

The “Benefits” part is the same, regardless… Sex, Hooking Up, Physical Intimacy, whatever you like to call it.

The “Friends” part is what’s really in question.

If you don’t understand what someone means when they call you “Friend”, there’s no way that you can properly comprehend or mentally process the full scope of FWB.

Just Friends

According to Webster’s, a friend is “One attached to another by affection or esteem”.

Lots of people are friends with each other. They go bowling together, they go out to eat, they discuss dating concepts…

This is not what women mean when they say “Just Friends”. First of all, the word “Just” implies that being friends is an inferior state to something else. You will notice that this term is usually applied when they are accused of having sex with some guy. What do they always say? o_O

“Oh.. No.. We’re just friends.”

That doesn’t mean she goes bowling with dude. All she’s doing is denying sexual activity with him. She may or may not actually be hooking up with him. Just because she calls him a “friend” doesn’t mean anything at all. Lots of chicks are giving it up and claiming that they’re “friends” with the guy they’re boning.

Dueling Parasites

This is usually done for two reasons. The first one is that their private, personal or sexual lives are none of your business. Butt out. Kick rocks. Take a long walk on a short plank… The second reason is that thanks to the double-standard, women are low-rated if they have sex with a dude before blackmailing him into an exclusive relationship.

So long as physical interaction is sanctioned by her having a title, such as wife or girlfriend, she’s free to admit that she’s hooking up with a dude without feeling poorly about herself because she thinks other people are ‘judging’ her (which is dumb to begin with because everybody judges everybody, so get over it). Outside of that, the dude is seen as not buying the cow because he’s getting the milk for free. This way of viewing the world is unfortunate, but remains a fact of life because the double-standard is so well-entrenched in patriarchal societies.

So, the “Friends” part in “Just Friends” or “Friends With Benefits” doesn’t necessarily mean that either one of them is attached to the other by affection or esteem.

Each of them has something the other one wants. A lot of relationships are dually parasitic and have nothing to do with friendship at all. I’m not talking about just FWB, but ‘actual’ relationships as well. Lots of “couples” are together because each one is providing something to the other one. As soon as that bartering relationship breaks down, they never speak to each other ever again in life.

The example I gave the other night was that our waitress was cute and had a KILLER body = “She Could Get It”, but if I had kicked it to her (which would have been unethical, hitting on someone that’s relying on you and your party for a tip at the end of the evening) and we ended up messing around, that wouldn’t make us friends… AT ALL.

The way people become friends is by getting to know each other and eventually appreciating each other for the things they like about each other and tolerating (or not, haha) the things they dislike about each other.

Hooking up doesn’t make people like each other… I mean, it CAN, because of sharing good times together, doing things for each other, and biological factors, like oxytocin, but lots of times, it’s just business.. recreation.. something to do, and no rapport is being built in one direction or both directions. This becomes EXTREMELY OBVIOUS when the two people stop having sex and then there’s no friendship left between them. o_O

Doesn’t anyone find that odd?.. When people swear up and down that they mean so much to each other and their love this and that and they care about each other and they’re friends and then as soon as they stop being physical with each other or start dating someone else, they act like the other person never existed in life?

Sorry.. That’s not friendship.

Friends (With Benefits)

There are lots of cases where people who are actually friends are affectionate towards each other, hook up with each other, and generally enjoy each other’s company to the fullest extent.

This is what people usually think of when someone says FWB.

In fact, FWB should be the natural state of affairs between people that are physically attracted to each other.

What could be better than that? :D You actually like, care about, or perhaps even love the other person, AND you’re also turned on by them…

Unfortunately, women have been trained to attempt to secure concessions from men in return for what the women consider to be sexual favors. In fact, the value of the interaction should be MUTUAL enjoyment and MUTUAL pleasure, so neither side’s supposed to owe the other side anything other than a good time.

This is why women have the nerve to say things like “JUST Friends”, as if being friends is a lower-level format of relationship than one with a girlfriend or wife title attached to it. Eventually, y’all will figure out that boyfriends arrive and disappear and your ACTUAL FRIENDS remain in the pocket, indefinitely.

You’ll find out who really cares about you when you become useless to them.

When you’re not givin’ it up anymore. When you gain that 15 lbs because you sprained your ankle and couldn’t run in the gym for a couple of months. When you get a new boyfriend and act like he’s the center of your universe, although you’ve known him for a month and you’ve known your friend for years… You’ll find out what time it is when he gets enough of what he wanted or he decides to get it from someone else or that you’re no longer worth the hassle of dealing with your caustic personality just to get to the good part.

When it’s Friends (With Benefits), it’s on when it’s on, and it’s not on when it’s not on. The hooking up doesn’t have any bearing on the friendship because it had been already solidly established that y’all like each other as human beings before you became physically intimate.

“Friends” With Benefits

One of the funniest things about the dating scene is that people refuse to acknowledge that none of it is geared towards guys and gals ever becoming friends.

I don’t know how it works in the sticks, but in metropolitan areas, you go somewhere, see a chick that turns you on, and see what you can do. Period.

Nobody cares if she snowboards. Nobody cares if she’s in the third year of her residency. Nobody cares if her family’s originally from Connecticut or California. She’s attractive to you or she isn’t. You feel like hooking up with her or you don’t. The situation works out for you or it doesn’t. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.. Same thing tomorrow night.

You don’t have dudes sitting on couches at 2am with chicks because they’re so glad that they’re cultivating a friendship with her. :D That’s not reality. Dude’s trying to get laid. Period.

Similarly, you’d be amazed how quickly some gal’s legs spread when they find out (because you lied) that you’re rich. In fact, that shouldn’t have any bearing on whether she feels like hooking up with you or not, being that money has nothing to do with how someone carries themselves, what type of person they are, who they’re being for you.. Isn’t that what women are always clamoring about? “I want him to like me for MEEEE! :(“.. Well, your gold-digging homegirls are messing it up for the rest of youse by selling out the azz for never-to-be-fulfilled promises of money, shopping, yachts, condos and trips to Paris.

So it’s funny to me when a gal tells me she meets a new dude and I’m like “So, what’s up with y’all? o_O” and she’s like “Oh.. We’re just friends”… No. Actually, you’re not friends. You’ll be finding out how much not-friends you are in a few months. See you when you return. *waves*

It’s Complicated

Of course, none of these categories exist at all. They’re complicated ways to try to explain simple facts. The titles and circumstances surrounding how you get your pleasure are entirely irrelevant. You’re either hooking up, or you’re not.

Being friends with someone isn’t connected at all to hooking up with that person, but what do you expect women to say?.. That they don’t like a guy as a person at all, he’s dumb as a box of rocks, he has no earning potential, manners or sense of humor, but she likes how he looks and she always has great orgasms when he has sex with her, so it is what it is?

Good luck with that. :) The deck is stacked against women as far as stigma & criticism, so you need to read between the lines if you’re going to understand what’s really going on with them as opposed to what they’re willing to SAY is going on.

Guys don’t have this problem. If we’re willing to put our business in the street, there are only two things we’re going to say.. “Yeah, I’m hittin’ that” or “Nope. I’m not hittin’ that”. Simple, and to the point.

Nobody cares what the relationship is named, or whether you see her every day, once every week, or once every two months. She’s either on the roster or she isn’t. You’re messing with her or you aren’t. You’re friends with her or you aren’t.

Saying “That’s my girlfriend” won’t get you any more credit than saying “That’s some chick I’m banging”. It’s the same functionality, but in the girlfriend case, you probably signed on for more responsibilities. Guys aren’t going to be low-rated either way, so there’s no incentive to apply the term “friend” to every female you know.

Some chicks, you’re just working on hooking up with them and you don’t think anything more of them than that. Some chicks are actual friends of yours and you’d invite them places and hang out with them and introduce them to people that are important to you in your life because you want THEM to meet HER because she’s important to you, too.

Some people like to use the term “It’s Complicated” to describe their relationship to someone. Nope. It’s not complicated. You’re hooking up or you’re not… You’re friends or you’re not… And none of that matters at all, so long as you’re enjoying your life.
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So I had mentioned to a friend of mine a few months back that I was going to start doing Reputation Management / Online Presence Management for people other than myself. I’ve pretty much peaked, heading through year #2 of being a top-10 Google result for “Bill” as well as a top-10 Google result for “Cammack”. There’s nowhere else to go. I’m bored. *yawn*

Bill & Debbie

So yesterday, I’m chatting with this same friend, who’s starting a new business soon. He wants to be involved with Social Media, except he sees how much time, energy and research I put into it and he’d rather spend his time making money than doing research he’s not going to get paid for and that I already did.

As we’re chatting, I can tell that he doesn’t really “get it”, and eventually, he directly says something to the effect of “I can’t see what my benefit is in getting involved in these sites and this social stuff”. This makes sense to me, because unless you’re LIVING Social Media, you’re not going to be privy to the effects… You’ll only be able to see the “cause”….

What I mean by that in my case is that if you pay attention to my internet presence, what you will see is a lot of socializing. Socializing through IRL meetups, tweetups, pictures, videos, links posted to websites, comments made on people’s blogs, my own blog posts… *presence*. What you’re seeing is how I reach out to other people and relate to them. This.. is the “cause”.

One of the MANY, MANY “effects” is the new access and relationships I have to them and that they have to me which makes us more likely to do business with each other or pass business to each other that we’re not going to do. These relationships might not appear to the casual onlooker to be anything but people hanging out & having good times together. What happens, though, is that people get comfortable with your character as a person as well as your work ethic / dedication to your projects, and that’s worth way more than emailing a resume to some company you’d like to do work for.

I’ve been freelance for years, and I don’t work for random people. I don’t check Craig’s List and wherever else might have listings for random people that need video editing work done. I get all my work through word of mouth. People call *ME* and ask if I’m available to work on their projects, not the other way around. This is because when I get on a project, I’m ON.THE.CASE. In my entire career, I’ve “missed air” ONCE, which was something like at 4am, doing an overnight shift for Bloomberg Information Televison, and my 2-minute news package went on in the next cycle (I think 20 minutes later? 30?), instead of at the exact time it was scheduled. That was my fault, and I don’t remember why it happened, but the point is that other than that, I have like a 99.996% success rate for completing projects on deadline.

Because of that, and other things, like my overall fun and easygoing demeanor, people tend to hear of me from other people I’ve done good work for and contact me with projects. THAT is Social Media in action. My way of being is an advertisement for myself as a person and my work is an advertisement for my skill at what I do.

Similarly, Social Media opens doors for you when otherwise, you’d have to stand in line with the rest of the nameless, faceless, personality-less resumes that are laying on the potential client’s desk. Or, maybe the nameless, faceless, personality-less emails that the client receives, explaining EVERYTHING about the proficiencies of your group and NOTHING about who you are and what you’re about as people.

So, essentially, Social Media is rolling the dice, in a way… You’re putting more information out there and offering people chances to “judge” you. People overuse that term and cry about it too much, “WAAAAAAAAH… YOU’RE JUDGING MEEE! WAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! :O”, but that’s exactly what it is. People will use what you present to them to decide whether they like you or not… Whether they love you or not… Whether they want to do business with you or not… Whether they respect you or not… Whether you know what you’re talking about or not… Whether you’re current & relevant or not… Whether you can bring any ROI to their company or not… Whether they want to sit down for some brews with you or not…..

If you think you have things to bring to the table that people would enjoy and it would enhance your relationship to them or even CREATE one if you don’t have a relationship to them right now, by all means, Social Media is for you. If you don’t feel that way about yourself or you just don’t LIKE socializing or you aren’t any good at it, you might want to leave SM alone entirely or hire someone else to handle that business for you.

Bill & Dan

Another question was how could he be EFFICIENT in making Social Media connections? Well.. That requires research on WHERE people in your field or industry congregate on the internet. Is it on Facebook? Ning sites? Specific blogs? Twitter? FriendFeed? Forums? Newsgroups? Is there a Newsletter you should subscribe to? Bulletin Boards? IRC chat rooms? Meebo? Tinychat? Oovoo? Tokbox? Is there a show you should watch on YouTube or Blip.TV?…..

If you know where to look, go for it. If you don’t, then you might be better off creating a presence in as many arenas as possible and letting the chips fall. Or, you may be better off leaving Social Media out altogether, as the ends don’t justify the means, according to your company’s bottom line.

The way I see it.. As long as you’re a decent person and you’re decently good at what you do for business, socializing and networking is completely in your best interest. Especially in these times where companies are laying off entire departments, NOW is your opportunity to cultivate new clients that are looking for what it is that you do but don’t want to hire a staffer. NOW is the time to let people know what you’re bringing to the table. If you have to show them a YouTube video to do that.. fine. If you have to write a blog post or comment on someone else’s.. fine. If you have to participate in discussions or live streams or IRL conferences to get people to know who you are and what you do.. fine. The opportunity’s here right now, and there’s no telling how long the window will remain open…

I’m in an unique position because I make friends quickly & often. I’m what people call a “connector”. Every time I go somewhere, I’m introduced to new people and I try to make sure that people that I already know are cool get introduced to other people I know are cool. The system works via checks & balances. I have 286 mutual Facebook Friends with someone I know. This means that I have 286 opportunities to receive a negative review of her, and I haven’t received *ONE*. :D

Online Presence Management puts you in position to win or lose based on your personal merits. That’s a game that I very much enjoy playing. Are there lots of pitfalls? Certainly. If you can’t see how increasing your socialization and/or networking can help your business, you might want to chat with a consultant. If they’re legit and they can’t see it either, they’ll tell you so and you can save your money for traditional advertising or stamps to mail those resumes around. :) If they can see something you can’t, that might be a good opportunity for you… again, assuming they’re legit.

Social Media can take up a lot of your time, but can also produce great benefits, if utilized properly. Currency (Speed) is important. Relevance is important. Intimate Knowledge of your product or service is important. Passion is important. Accessibility is important. Redundancy is important (using the same avatar across social networks, for instance). Recognition as a thought leader or someone who tests out the new technologies is important. It all comes down to making sure that the time you spend on SM (or the money you spend, hiring someone to do it for you) works for your bottom line and is an overall benefit to you or your company.

~ Bill Cammack

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According to Webster’s, “Celibacy” is either 1) the state of not being married, or 2) abstention from sexual intercourse (read: not having sex).

I don’t know what works in the sticks, but here in NYC, people avoid sex by buying dogs. The dog becomes the central figure in the relationship and as long as HE pets the dog and then SHE pets the dog, the “love” is transferred throughout the entire “family” without him actually having to waste time having sex with her when he could be working on his startup.

So here are some of the advantages of celibacy:

Kung Fu Proficiency

Regardless of how long you study the I-Ching Manual, you’ll never attain the highest level of kung fu proficiency unless you’re celibate.

You can get close, but if someone’s received the same training you have, yet has kept himself “pure”, he’s always going to be the stronger of the two of you when it comes down to that all-important last fight in the movie.

Many men with aspirations to take over the world (or, at least China) have been thwarted by this lack of dedication to kung fu and wanton disregard for its rules. Don’t let this happen to you. Be a champion! Lay off the chicks!

Say WHAT?

Until they invent airborne STDs, remaining celibate will protect you from viruses… like buying a Mac.

No more worrying about what you might have until your test results come back in a few weeks. No more nurses looking down their noses at you like as if you’re guilty of something and you looking back up at them like “um… You’re not even a #*$&^%( DOCTOR. You’re a NURSE! Go do your job and hand out band-aids or something!”. No more picking up girls at the clinic, because you know they “put out”.

I’m just saying… That’s what I heard goes on in those places…

The P Word

Celibacy comes in handy when a chick you know gets pregnant. You get to raise one eyebrow like Spock and say something snappy, like “How’d THAT Happen?” or “Good luck with that.”

No being dragged on The Maury Show with eight other guys for you! Nope. Sit back with the popcorn, while she starts scrolling through her cell phone contacts for OTHER GUYS that might be responsible for the runner that won the race.

Perpetual State of Horniness

In social situations, when politely flirting with the ladies, it always helps to be somewhat “backed up”, ahem… Celibacy adds that extra edge to what you’re whispering in her ear, because you actually MEAN every word of what you’re telling her you want to do to her.

This absolutely trumps the plain, flat, boring, platonic, dry “That looks good on you” or “You look nice tonight” she gets from other guys that have no physical interest in her whatsoever. *yawn* Make sure you add a little desperation to spice up your “flirt game” FTW.

Goal Achievement

Some people utilize “Temporary Celibacy” to help them focus on what they’re trying to get done. If you’re in school, it’s easier to study when you’re not interrupted every couple of minutes by thoughts and images from last night as well as mental projections of what you want to happen the next time you’re with them. If you’re working on that startup, utilize the old “dog trick” to keep her from clamoring for affection all the time and jacking up your mental flow.

For the ladies, the obvious win is that you don’t have to rearrange your life around your new man. You’re also perpetually available for “girls’ night out” with your homies.

Efficient Decisionmaking

It’s not so easy to dump a girl on Wednesday when you were planning on having sex with her on Thursday. Celibacy allows you to judge her by the content of her character and excommunicate her on rational and well thought-out grounds.

You want to go to that party, but you don’t want your girl to see the pictures? No problem. Hit the party and have a good time. Since you’re not tappin’ that, “sex embargo” isn’t available to her as retribution, so all she can do is pout and go spend quality time with the dog while you work on your startup.

Saving Money

Since you’re not tappin’ that, you don’t have to take her out. CHA-CHING!!! $$$ Imagine the savings when you can buy one Big Mac Meal instead of two. Half price on your bar tabs!

Valentine’s day is like an automatic tax refund, compared to the guys that have to get haircuts, get new clothes, select an expensive restaurant, buy flowers, pay the Mariachi to sing at the table, pay for cabs in both directions…

Let’s not forget about the money you save in alcoholic beverages when she tells you she’s pregnant and you’re POSITIVE that it isn’t yours.

Crazy Honeymoon Sex

Well.. If you make it all the way to the night after your wedding before having sex, prepare for that to be the BEST night of your entire life!!!!!… or the worst.

Sure, it’ll be a new sensation for you, however you won’t have the first clue of what you’re supposed to do. I think the best idea is to agree ahead of time that y’all are probably both going to be WACK at sex, and agree that if this time completely sucks, you’ll discuss the problem areas and try to do better next time. Shake on it, then get down to business.

The obvious upside to this is that if she’s a virgin also then she’ll have ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE that you don’t know what you’re doing, so just keep looking confident, like “aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh… You liked that, right? ;) ” and she’ll swear you’re putting in work.

Don’t go berserk, now. Remember, “you break it, you bought it”. However, I guess you already bought it by Honeymoon Night, so ENJOY!!! :D

~Bill

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