Bill Cammack

Last week, I let the fellaz know how to get over an ex-girlfriend. This week, I have tips for the ladies for what to do when that relationship ends….

1) Consume mass quantities of Häagen-Dazs ice cream

Häagen-Dazs ice cream is the de facto substitute for sex for women. Everybody knows this. If you haven’t tried it yet, stop reading this post and go get some right now. I’m not sure that there’s one flavor in particular that works across the board, but find the right one, and it’ll tickle your ivories for sure. Similar to dogs for men, Häagen-Dazs is woman’s best friend. Eat enough of it, and you’ll wonder why you cared that your man left you in the first place.

2) Commiserate with your female friends

Make sure you tell your girlfriends that you and your man broke up. All of a sudden, they’ll have all these reasons why he was no good for you in the first place, and you’re better off without him. This will make you feel very good… that is… until you realize that they knew all this stuff BEFORE and should have told you about it so you could have dumped HIM before he dumped YOU.

Make sure you reserve some extra nastiness for the chicks that tell you how your ex has been hitting on them the whole time. As your homegirl, it was their obligation to tell you that your man was trying to get some from them. Also, make sure you add a level to whatever they tell you. That’s how it works with women. If they admit to kissing your man, that means they blew him. If they admit to blowing him, that means they had sex with him, etc.

3) Go to a male strip club

Going to a male strip club will remind you that your man was flabby and out of shape to begin with, so to hell with him. :D Just make sure not to overdo it. Avoid actual physical interaction with the strippers AT.ALL.COSTS! Mark my words, you will end up either on an internet site that specializes in that kind of thing, or even worse, on your local public access television station doing what you did, for all to see.

4) Post about him on the internet

Mosey on over to DontDateHimGirl or HollaBackNYC (or wherever you live, they have a bunch of HollaBack sites) and drag his name through the mud. Nobody actually reads those sites, but you’ll feel a lot better, because it allows you to commiserate with women around the world instead of just the ones you get to bitch and moan to while waiting to get into spin class.

5) Get back in shape

Most likely, the reason he broke up with you (or engineered your breaking up with HIM) is that he lost interest in having sex with you. Getting back in shape will not only make him KICK HIMSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY… but he’ll be insanely jealous of the next man that gets to tap that. He’ll also probably start making moves to get you back, so you get the enjoyment of rejecting him on a daily basis! :D

In the words of my friend, Patricia…

~Bill

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Besides smileys in text messages, bright colors, shiny objects and shoes (not necessarily in that order), women LOVE titles. :D If they mess with a guy long enough, they’re going to want to define their relationship with some kind of word, such as “girlfriend” or “fiancee” or “wife”, etc.

As ‘bad’ as it is for her when her guy won’t tell HER they’re together, it gets even worse in public. When they meet people, he either doesn’t introduce her at all or just says her first name, like any other common friend. The question’s always “Why won’t he tell anyone that we’re dating? :( “. So, ladies… Here are a few potential reasons why your guy won’t claim you as his girlfriend…..

1) Because you’re NOT

Let’s start from the start. :) The way the game works is the guy tries to get laid and you tell him what he’s going to have to trade you for the sex. In some cases, that’s a relationship. A guy has two choices… nod, and go along with whatever you said and get some… or refuse to say he’s working towards a relationship with you and get nothing. Odds are that he’s going to say some variation of “we’re dating” in order to get you to lay down and do the right thing. What this MEANS, however… is

nothing.

Nothing at all. He might be “dating” six of y’all and none of y’all know about the others. So what happens is, while you’re waiting for him to give you a title, he’s having his cake and eating it too. This is why he looks all surprised and caught off guard when you say “Where are we going?” or “What are we to each other?”. He’s scrambling to think of something to say other than “You’re one of the chicks I enjoy having sex with”.

2) He already HAS a wife or girlfriend

This SEEMS to be the same as #1, but it’s worse. :) If you’re one of several chicks that he’s “seeing” ;) , you still have a percentage chance of being the cream that rises to the top. If he already has a woman in the top slot that he never told you about, you can forget about picket fences and two-car garages. If you think this might describe YOUR relationship, go read “Ladies: How To Tell He Has A Girlfriend”.

3) Because he doesn’t have to

How do they say… “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”… or was that “Why buy the chicken when you can get the eggs for free?”… Anyway… You get the picture. :) If he’s already tapping that, you have ZERO leverage to barter for a promotion. If you can figure out how HE’S going to benefit by calling you his girlfriend, then go for it! :D

Of course, you could always call a sex boycott or embargo, except that’s when you might find out he has more chicks than you “in the pocket”.

4) He doesn’t want to scare off other chicks

Some women have an inability to stick to the facts. When you see a chick you like and ask them “Who’s that?”, they respond “Oh… She has a boyfriend”. Then they stand there as if they adequately responded to your query while you’re thinking “YOU #&(@&%*$ IDIOT! I DIDN’T *ASK* YOU THAT! :( “.

This situation affects guys in exactly the same way. If a guy’s homegirl has a friend who likes him and she asks about the guy, the response she’ll receive is “Oh… He has a girlfriend”, and his game goes down the drain.

In order to avoid this and maximize one’s options… It’s best not to claim any chicks at all so people can MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS and stick to the facts when a chick’s tryinna meet a brotha. :D

5) He’s embarrassed about how you look

Oftentimes… A guy’s standards for a gal he’ll have sex with are LOWER than his standards for a gal he’ll be SEEN with. The fact that he’ll tap that doesn’t mean he’ll go anywhere with you in public… God Forbid being immortalized in pictures with you, EVAR. Even if he’s willing to go out in public with you, it doesn’t mean he’s willing to admit to the depth of your relationship.

Guys are competitive. We all want to be fly and have sex with the hottest chicks. Unfortunately, :D reality doesn’t always match up to fantasy, and a brothaz gotsta DOOOO what a brothaz gotsta DOO! :D Nobody wants to be labeled a “Chubby Chaser” or whatever they call guys that like “Butch” females or whatever other fetishes are going on these days. So while he might very well enjoy hooking up with you behind closed doors, he’s not too likely to admit it to the fellaz and ESPECIALLY not likely to claim you as his exclusive girl.

6) Because his boy already tapped that

For some reason that I’ll most likely NEVER understand, :) women just about universally refuse to believe that guys they have sex with don’t tell their close male friends.

Basically, ladies… You can assume a 16-hour window of privacy… assuming the guy fell asleep for a full 8 hours after he tapped that. The best you can hope for is “Yeah. I hit it”. The worst case… well the WORST case is videotape… but the worst case, normally, is a detailed description of WHERE he hit it (indoors, outdoors, on what furniture/appliance…), WHAT position you were in and HOW MUCH you enjoyed each position.

This being the case… if you insist on dating guys that know each other, they come to the table (dryer, washing machine…) knowing what they can get from you and how much they need to do to get it.

Another unfortunate residual from guys’ competitive nature is that in the case of a chick that several guys have messed with, YOU don’t want to be the one that gets sprung on “Community Property”. Some guys grow out of this and some guys are just glad to be with ANY chick that will give them some at the drop of a hat, so exceptions are made and guys endure the ridicule, funny looks and snide remarks.

For the most part, though… And I’ll NEVER understand this one either… Most guys like to feel that they got their girl “fresh out the box”. It’s part of the competition thing. They like to feel special as if they were the only ones their girl gave it up to. So, for this reason, if you’re currently dating a friend of a guy who already tapped that, and God Forbid… SEVERAL guys that already tapped that, you might have to forget about being claimed as an actual girlfriend and choose a more likely achievement, such as winning the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DatingGenius