“Bros Before Hoes” is generally misinterpreted to mean that anybody who is male gets preferential treatment in any situation where he’s in active or passive competition with a female.

An example of this is this 2008 election t-shirt design featuring Joe Biden and Sarah Palin:

This is not actually what Bros Before Hoes means, or what it stands for.

Before I get into the actual explanation, I’d like to say for the record that females have their own slogan for Girl Code, which is “Chicks Before Dicks”.

Friends

The way American society works, it’s very easy for guys to be friends with guys and it’s very easy for gals to be friends with gals. This is why you see a lot of polarized groups. You’ll see four guys hanging out at the baseball game. You’ll see seven women eating dinner together with no boyfriends in sight.

This is because, in general, males and females are not friends.

In fact, other than attempting to get laid, there are some guys that never speak to women at all.. unless they have to, like for some work project or something.

On the other side of the coin, there are some women that have no male friends at all either.. of their own choice and decision, not because girls don’t have friends that are guys.. That’s an entirely separate issue.

Meanwhile, Political Correctness would have you believe that we’re all one big androgynous melting pot. That’s not true.

Women often find this out the hard way… They think some dude is their friend, and then they announce to him that they’re not going to have sex with him and he vanishes into thin air like The Great Gazoo.

The Great Gazoo is a tiny, green, floating alien who was exiled to Earth from his home planet Zetox as punishment for having invented a doomsday machine, a weapon of immense destructive power.

His invention was a button which would destroy the universe if pressed, though he insists he made it on a whim with no intent of using it.

Gazoo was discovered by Fred and Barney when his flying saucer crashed.

*POOF* She never hears from him again, because the only reason he was speaking to her was so he could get laid.

This works in the other direction as well.. Guys will remain in the pocket and play that “friend” role until a chick announces that she’s broken up with her boyfriend, and then here come the suitors out of the woodwork, talkin’ ’bout how much they want to hit it, yadda yadda, when this whole time, they’ve been layin’ up in the cut, waiting for their turn to tap that ass.

So, what you end up with in this society is a group that seems to be based on equality, but it isn’t… Some people, including guys<->gals are actual friends, homies, home-skillets, like, they have a REAL relationship…. Other people are only allowed to remain in position as long as they remain functionally useful, and they’re often quickly and unceremoniously replaced.

This is the *actual* genesis of Bros Before Hoes.

Class

In a seemingly-equal group of Americans, you actually have two classes.. The first class being people (guys or gals) that have been invited because someone respects their personality, and the second class being people (guys or gals) that are only allowed to hang around because one of the first class members is trying to **** them.

In the authentic application of the concept, a guy might have male “bros” and also female “bros”. The actual differentiation is how much the individual is valued as a person, and whether they’re considered a first class citizen, *NOT* whether they’re male or female.

For example.. Back in the day, guys would bring chicks around and introduce them to us as their girlfriend or “wifey” or whatever… I would play along with the game and interact with these gals as if they were going to be recurring characters in our lives.

In fact, I already knew that they were NPC’s (Non-Player Characters). In a movie, they would be considered “extras”. They’re in the movie, and you see them in the coffee shop, but they don’t have any lines and may or may not get their name in the credits at the end of the film.

The funny/backwards aspect of situations like that is that these NPC’s would swear up and down that they were pivotal, important people, and make statements and demands as if they were in some type of powerful position. :D

Next thing you know, some other chick was being brought around by that same dude, introduced with the exact same title, and treated exactly the same way by tha fellaz.

No ceremony. No problem. No beef. No gradual or sudden dissolution of the relationship.. The previous chick would just disappear into thin air like The Great Gazoo, and she may or may not ever be mentioned again, ever in life.

If the story of her ejection was funny enough or interesting or educational enough, it might be told to the crew. Other than that, she was just replaced, and it was regular and no big deal and the next one up on deck got light until she disappeared also.

So, the actual meaning behind Bros Before Hoes is that if a dispute occurs involving a first class citizen (bro, male or female) and a second class citizen (ho, female), it’s in your best interest to side with the person who was your friend beforehand and will be your friend after the fact, instead of siding with the chick you happen to be screwing at this particular point in time, because you’re going to replace her with another one if she bounces.

You can’t replace actual friends that easily.

Chicks Before Dicks

Technically, this should work the same way in reverse, meaning:

The actual meaning behind Chicks Before Dicks is that if a dispute occurs involving a first class citizen (chick, female or male) and a second class citizen (dick, male), it’s in your best interest to side with the person who was your friend beforehand and will be your friend after the fact, instead of siding with the dude you happen to be receiving tha dilznick from at this particular point in time, because you’re going to replace him with another one if he bounces.

In reality.. Ain’t that type-a party. >:D

Most of the time, if you’re a friend of a chick and attempt to persuade her against the guy that’s currently hittin’ her off, you’re going to run into major resistance and might even get removed from her roster of friends.

This is why, when women don’t have any sex in their lives, they’re all content to hang out with a bunch of other women all the time, and then, AS SOOOOOOON as some guy’s willing to hit it, they bounce from “Girls’ Night Out” faster than Tea Party Debate audience members would let a 30-year-old without health insurance die.

So.. Since women’s emotional attachment to sex clouds their judgement, Chicks Before Dicks (Girl Code) isn’t as strictly adhered to as Guy Code.

There’s really no way around this… My advice to you is that if you have something negative to say to a female friend of yours regarding her source of sexual satisfaction, you’d better have as much concrete evidence as you can muster before you even bother to bring it up. :D

Female Bros

There aren’t a lot of Female Bros. This is because, like I said earlier, a lot of guys don’t even talk to women unless they’re trying to screw them, and then, as soon as it’s determined that they can’t get any, the guy stops talking to them, because what’s the point of that? \o/

However, these situations occur.. Mostly through getting to know women through work or social media or through mutual friends or the chick used to date your homeboy or whatever.

When this happens, these relationships as real as they come.

A lot of people fail to perceive male<->female Bro relationships, because they don’t believe they exist.. like The Great Gazoo. This leads to serious miscalculations on their part, when they incorrectly apply “Bros Before Hoes” to a social situation.

If I’m chillin’ with a female Bro and she spies a guy she likes, I’m going to try to faciliate her getting laid (or whatever she’s trying to do with him), just like I would for some male homeboy of mine I happened to be chillin’ with that saw a chick he wanted.

Also, if I see something that I feel shouldn’t be happening to her, I’m gonna back *her* play, not the play of the dude that’s trying to get over.

This is entirely different from cockblocking… I’m not on the payroll. I’m not paid to babysit some grown-ass woman from giving it up to some dude.

As long as what he’s doing is on the up-and-up, I’ll let him rock. If he can talk her panties off or whatever, good for him, I hope he enjoys himself! >:D

However.. If I feel like the situation isn’t proper, I’m going to check with her.. *ESPECIALLY* if the only reason she’s where we are is because she agreed to come somewhere with me… If I’m the reason she left her house, I’m going to make sure she returns to her house safely. Period. I don’t give a flying **** what anybody thinks about that. It’s what’s happening.

There are too many guys and gals in this town that leave chicks laying around in the garbage… Not on *MY* watch.

Fakers

I wanted to clear this up because there are a bunch of clowns running around on “reality” shows claiming Guy Code when they really have no integrity whatsoever.

They’re making guys look like chumps by claiming Guy Code and then snitching on their so-called boy to his girlfriend about something he did or deliberately gossiping or instigating unnecessary conflict.

It’s even worse when their adherence to Guy Code only lasts as long as they don’t have a chick to climb up on, and as soon as they achieve that, they become one of the girls.

In fact, guys like this don’t have *ANY* Bros, whatsoever. They’re mercenaries. They’re out for self. Dolo. Just because they’re male doesn’t mean they have any legitimate claim to raise their glass in the club and yell “BROS BEFORE HOOOOOOOES!!! >:D”.

Dudes like that make things tougher for the rest of us, since women attribute their ridiculous behavior to guys in general.

If they were really down with Guy Code, they’d represent it properly… The guys that are down with you get special privileges. The gals that are down with you get special privileges, and, in return, need to carry that extra weight associated with being “one of the fellaz”. They need to keep the crew’s business ‘out that streets’, not cockblock, and generally fulfill the responsibilities of a first class citizen.

Since these dudes ARE NOT authentically down with Guy Code, they make the rest of us look shabby by snitching on their boys, not backing up their girls, and siding with second class citizens over first class citizens so they can get some trim one time in life.

A real relationship is a meritocracy. Just because a dude is male, that doesn’t make him your Bro. Just because a chick is female, that doesn’t make her your Ho.

Don’t play yourself by assuming you’re automatically considered a first class citizen due to accident of birth.
–
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Now.. Before you start crying about the title, haha “Girls don’t have friends that are guys” is a direct quote from Vinny on Jersey Shore, from when Sammi was trying to convince Ronnie that this other guy she invited to come see her at a club was a “friend” of hers.

I already talked about that situation in “We’re Just Friends!!!”, so go check that out if you want the background details from the episode. Right now, I want to speak generally about people who pretend to be “friends” with other people.

Friends

1. Men pretend to be friends with women so they can have sex with them.
2. Women pretend to be friends with men so they can claim they’re not having sex with them.

Are there males and females that actually ARE friends?
Absolutely.

They’re friends for the same reason that anybody else is friendly towards each other… they have something in common. They enjoy the same music, they both like building computers from individual parts, they play the same sports, have similar tastes in women.. whatever.

However.. There are lots of guys that pretend to be friends with a gal because they know that’s the only way they’re going to be able to stay in the pocket long enough to hook up with her.

It’s like rap game 101.. It’s like the first smooth trick the cavemen learned or something. If you step to a female and say “You look good, I feel like tappin’ that”, she’s going to go “EEW!!! HE ONLY WANTS ME FOR MY BODY! :(“.. which is true.. and then she proceeds to give you a hard time in getting it.

Meanwhile, if you would have said “Pleasant weather we’re having today! :D”, you’ll be able to get on much faster, because even though nothing at all is different from your point of view, and you only spoke to her because you were hoping to have sex with her as soon as possible after the first second you saw her, she’s not actively mentally defending against giving you what you want.

Cat?.. Meet Bag

Reality normally becomes apparent to women in a couple of ways.. First of all, when he finally decides that he’s never going to get to hook up with her and then he abruptly stops contacting her or responding to her calls, texts & emails, and second, when he decides that HE DOES have a chance to get on, and lets her know he’s physically attracted to her, in love with her, blah blah blah…

Both of these situations tend to catch women off guard because they actually BELIEVE that sexual attraction has nothing to do with their friendship with that particular guy. The best way I can describe it from the guy’s POV is that it feels like a psychological projection, where she goes “I’m not sexually attracted to you.. Therefore, you’re not sexually attracted to me, either”. It’s very, very strange. It’s almost funny, except it’s a dangerous way of thinking. The equivalent would be “I don’t believe that there are cars speeding on this highway, so the speeding cars won’t believe I’m walking across it”.

Another version is “I told him I’m not sexually attracted to him, and he’s still talking to me, so he’s accepted that we’re not going to have sex, ever in life”. WRONG! He knew he was going to have to get around obstacles when he first saw you and decided he wanted to try to hook up with you, because that’s how the game goes. We come to get it. You give us a hard time about it. That’s how it works… That’s what we signed up for when we approached you and introduced ourselves…

It’s All In The Game

When I was around 14 years old, there was this chick I had a serious crush on in camp, and I finally decided to go meet her… Having no rap at all, I walked up to her and probably said “Hi. I’m Bill. What’s your name? :D”, and she didn’t say Jack-**** to me.

So I asked her a few more times, and she eventually said something that wasn’t a name.. I don’t remember what it was.. Let’s say she said “Football”. So I said something like “ok, Football. Nice to meet you” and she kept ignoring me.

I carried on that one-sided conversation with her for a while, and then the conversation was over. Every time I saw her after that, I had kind words for her, and always included her name. I can’t tell you what happened, because I didn’t have any technique at the time and I wasn’t doing anything that I figured would ever get me progress with her. All I can guess is that she eventually realized that all I wanted was to be nice to her, and at some point, I was passing by her and greeted her as “Football”, and she broke out laughing and told me what her name was. We became good friends after that, and remained relatively close to each other during the rest of my stay there.

The point being that boys go through this BS from the very beginning of when we start talking to girls. Girls are programmed to give us a hard time, and we naturally adapt to accept this and get around it. 101. This is why “I told him I’m not sexually attracted to him” doesn’t have any effect on whether he’s attracted to her. That’s pretty much where we start every single hookup attempt.

What’s even less effective is “I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with him”, because that’s not even explicitly denying sexual attraction… That’s saying that you might or might not give him some, but at this point in time, you have a reason why you’re not going to do that = He’s gonna stay in the pocket and ride it out to see what happens.

One of these excuses why you’re not planning to give him some is that you have a boyfriend, fiance, husband, whatever. This is another non-factor to guys that are interested in you. This is why, when your relationship dissolves, all these guys that you thought were your “friends” suddenly profess their love and/or attraction to you and start offering you tha dilznick.

It’s not that they’re not your friends. They are. They’ll build computers with you and go see that 3D movie with you, but they’d also stick it in a split second if they thought you’d go for it.

You’re Not Slick

This is what guys know, and this is why Sammi’s excuse (which, of course, turned out to be a lie) wasn’t fooling anybody and caused Vinny to say “Girls don’t have friends that are guys”.

What he was saying is that Sammi was implying a platonic (2b : of, relating to, or being a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex) relationship with the dude by calling him her “friend”, when everybody knows dude would have screwed her if she was down with it, and everybody knows that SAMMI KNOWS dude would have hit it, which is why she contacted him and invited him to come hang out with her at the club.

Whether she actually wanted to hook up with him or just use him to make Ronnie jealous is irrelevant. That dude was clearly *NOT* her [platonic]friend. If she had wanted a friend to spend time with her at a club, she should have invited a female.

As it turns out, after lie after lie after lie after lie after lie after lie after lie, she finally admitted that she’s made out with the dude in the past (which, she didn’t have a choice but to fess up, because dude described a specific instance where they hooked up IN DETAIL to her on the phone with Ronnie & Mike right there, hearing the entire conversation), but her new excuse was that it was before she had been dating Ronnie.

Unfortunately, that makes you look WORSE, and not better. :) As soon as you break up with your boyfriend of a year or so, you tell a guy you used to mess with to come see you at the club? hahaha Nice one! :D

What Was She Thinking?

I was explaining this situation to a friend of mine that doesn’t watch Jersey Shore, and she asked me “Why did she think the guy was going to back her play?”

Usually… Guys that kick it to other guys’ girls don’t know each other… That situation would never have gone down like that, except that it was on a television show.

What would have happened is that the dude would have arrived, seen Sammi hanging out with Ronnie, told Mike that he had been invited to the club by Sammi and showed Mike the text messages, and then Mike would have shut the **** up.

That’s because snitching is good for television ratings, but it sucks in real life. That could easily have turned into a fight.

Under normal circumstances, Sammi would have been in the middle, and there would have been no reason at all for the other guy to tell Ronnie the truth about his interactions with Sammi. I’m sure this is what she was thinking when she decided to drag Ronnie over to the dude that a) she initially lied and said she never texted, and then, when Nicole informed her that she already saw the texts from her on his phone, she b) changed her lie to “Yes, I texted him, but he’s my friend“. She was already caught in lies, and she figured that there was no reason for Ronnie to find out the truth, so she gambled and lost.. big time.

Because this happened on television, Mike called the dude on the phone, who said directly and clearly that he had made out with Sammi when Ronnie asked him about it… Instead of living with the disgrace of being caught in I-don’t-know-how-many lies at this point, Sammi gets on the phone and says “We never made out! :O” resulting in his description a the location and situation for which she had no rebuttal and ended up FINALLY copping a plea to Ronnie that she messed with him a couple of years ago.

I think that besides thinking she’s smarter than Ronnie (which she may very well be), she was thinking the other dude didn’t have anything to lose by lying for her so she could remain in good standing with her boyfriend… Except he DID have something to lose, which was that he would have looked like a liar AND a Herb AND a troublemaker if he recanted his story. On top of that, as soon as all the roommates saw her text messages to him, the cat was out of the bag. Everybody knew she was lying before she even BEGAN lying about not having texted anyone.

If this had not been on television, the IRL conversation and then the telephone conversation between the two guys would never have occurred, Sammi would have lied and claimed no physical involvement with the dude, and that would have been that. In fact, the fact that she texted him wouldn’t have surfaced in the first place.

Of course.. This entire situation could have been avoided if she would have sent him one. more. text. saying “Don’t come to the club” once she felt like she was getting back together with Ronnie.

Midnight Racing

So anyway.. Like I said.. Guys pretend to be friends with gals so we can stay in the pocket until she finally gets with the program. Gals pretend to be friends with guys so they’re not accused of having sex with us.

One of the funny things about this is that, similar to bordellos, it doesn’t work in the other direction… Women don’t pretend to be friends with men so they can get laid.

First of all, y’all don’t have to, and second, it wouldn’t help you anyway… Y’all either “Could Get It”, or you can’t. Whether a guy races remote control cars with you in the park or not isn’t going to get you any credit towards sex.

It might help you out in a jam, though.. Like when you stumble home at 4am and your boyfriend is wondering what you’ve been doing all night, you can say “Well.. *hic*.. I was hanging out with this guy I know, and we were racing RC cars and I lost track of the time”.

……………

So, ladies.. Stop trying to use “We’re just friends” as a cover.. Especially when the only thing y’all have in common is that you look good to him and he’s down to hit it.
–
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Bill Cammack – “Neo vs. Morpheus” by Bill Cammack

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Reader “Nikki” asked me my thoughts about why men rebound so quickly after a “relationship” ends.

If you’re not aware of what “the rebound” is, it’s the time period between when you exit one relationship and feel like attempting to enter a new one. If someone breaks up with a bf/gf/wife/husband and you meet them before they get over it, that’s called “catching them on the rebound”, like in basketball.

Once they feel like being involved in relationships again, they’ve exited rebound status. Just because you meet someone shortly after they break up with someone doesn’t mean they haven’t gotten over it already.. especially if the breakup was THEIR idea to begin with.

If there were actual statistics, I’m sure they’d indicate that guys in general get over relationships ending more quickly than gals do. That’s what we’re going to discuss in this article.

Relationships

The relationships that I believe in are the ones that are real. Those could be between friends, family members, co-workers, lovers, friends with benefits, frenemies, enemies, whomever.

The relationships that I DON’T believe in are the ones that are declared without collateral:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collateral_(finance): In lending agreements, collateral is a borrower’s pledge of specific property to a lender, to secure repayment of a loan.[1][2] The collateral serves as protection for a lender against a borrower’s default – that is, any borrower failing to pay the principal and interest under the terms of a loan obligation. If a borrower does default on a loan (due to insolvency or other event), that borrower forfeits (gives up) the property pledged as collateral – and the lender then becomes the owner of the collateral.

What that gibberish you just read means is that you say “Lend me $10″ and the other person says “How do I know you’ll pay me back?” and then you say “My hat costs $15, so if I don’t give you your money back, you can have my hat”.

When you don’t pay the money back, you have to hand over the hat, which you don’t want to do, because it’s worth more than what you borrowed from the other person, so not giving up your hat is your incentive to actually pay the money back like you initially claimed you were going to.

In boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, there’s no collateral. None. Relationships end faster than you can say “WTF? o_O”. In fact, they end faster than you can say “What?”. Now you see them, Now you don’t. Poof. Houdini. And like that… s/he’s gone.

A lot of women feel like they have protection against this if they’re married to a dude.

They do not.

Marriage

The only situation where they do have protection/leverage is when he’s not willing to part with his money and pay alimony. Sometimes, this results in a guy remaining in a marriage he’s not satisfied with. Other times this results in “Cheaper To Keep Her”, which is that dude goes about his life as if he were single, yet never divorces his wife. It’s actually financially better for him to have her sleeping under his roof and eating his food than to break up with her.

One of the reasons this arrangement works so well is that when women get mad at you, what do they do?.. That’s right.. Withhold sex… So while they’re thinking they’re cockblocking you by not giving it up, you’re lampin’ with your goomah in the apartment you’re renting for her with the money you’re saving from not having to pay alimony because your wife never left.

So, other than “Cheaper To Keep Her”, women have ZERO collateral in relationships. They think they do, because the guy has to TELL HER she does in order to get her to lay down. This is where R&B music comes in handy, because you can get the radio to tell your girlfriend things you’re not actually feeling yourself and that wouldn’t sound convincing if you tried to kick that game on your own.

Now, you might think that there isn’t any collateral in the other types of relationships I mentioned, but there actually is. In a REAL relationship, the collateral is the goodwill that you feel towards the other person, based on who they’ve been for you during the time that you’ve known them.

To go back to our hat analogy.. If you lend someone that you have a REAL relationship to $10, you don’t have to ask them for collateral, because you know that their DESIRE is to pay you back what you lent them. They desire that because that’s what you’d desire if you needed to borrow money from them.

Similarly, you DON’T want them to have to give you their hat. You want them to keep their beloved hat and return your relationship to equilibrium by paying you back the amount they borrowed. You’re lending them the money because you want them to be able to buy whatever they need to buy with it. It’s not a business deal. They don’t need collateral and you don’t want it even if they offer it.

You Gonna Eat That?

A lot of people think that what I just said describes their relationship to their BF/GF.

A lot of these people are wrong.

Some relationships, maybe even many or MOST “romantic” relationships (I have no idea of the percentages) are based on REAL relationships. The foundation is two people that want the best for each other and have teamed up to form a unit, whether that unit is formally recognized (marriage, titles) or not.

Other relationships are actually mutually parasitic arrangements, where what’s holding it together isn’t love or the determined formation of a tight unit, but rather that each person has something that the other person wants.

Typically, a gal might be with a guy because he has more money than other guys or because she doesn’t want to consider herself “single”. Typically, a guy might be with a gal because he thinks she’s hawt, or he likes having sex with her, or sporting her on his arm makes him look good to his friends. If two people like this were to meet each other, they might end up “dating”, if he’s rich enough and she’s hawt enough, and there’s never actually any cohesion which binds them together mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. “Physically” is handled, because if it isn’t, dude’s gonna bounce. :D

To confuse matters even more, people’s positions change while they’re in relationships to each other. People “fall in and out of love” with each other at different times. This causes people to sound really sincere when they’re saying nice things to each other, because they actually feel that way at the time. Instead of accepting this as an indication of how that person feels right now, at this very instant, people take these statements to mean that that person’s going to feel that way forever…

This leads us to Nikki‘s initial question.. Why men rebound so quickly…

The End

For the reasons I’ve outlined, as well as many others that I haven’t, you can’t count that instantaneous, split-second where people go from “We’re in a relationship with each other” to “We’re NOT in a relationship with each other” as the beginning of the “rebound” period.

In fact.. Whomever’s idea it was to break up, they probably came up with the idea a long-ass time ago, and you’re just finding out about it now.

It’s not easy to break up with a girlfriend and have her *NOT* cause a scene. I learned this when I was around 15 and never forgot it! :D .. This means that guys are going to ease themselves out of relationships gradually, instead of announcing when they’re no longer feelin’ a chick that they’re done with the relationship.

In effect, this causes guys to begin the rebound process way before the gal even finds out the relationship’s over. Most likely, he’s completely over you BEFORE he tells you anything at all, so while you’re just finding out and going “Why this and that?” and saying “Can’t we talk about this?” and all the other typical conversations that follow breakup announcements, it really doesn’t matter because he’s already emotionally moved on.

This assumes that he was emotionally attached to you AT ALL while he was dating you. Maybe he was. Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he fluctuated between believing he wanted to spend a long time with you and feeling like he wanted to date other women, or just not date YOU in particular.

If he wasn’t attached to you in that way, there’s no rebound period at all. He’s with you and then he’s not, and it doesn’t make a difference to him either way… Is he going to tell YOU any of this? Nope. Guys have to maintain the romantic facade or else lose functionality of their chicks. It’s like how you have to keep gasoline in the tank of a car if you want to be able to go anywhere. As soon as you don’t feel like going anywhere, there’s no point in gassing it up, is there?

Say What?

Let’s say all things are equal, or even that instead of it being a mutual decision to break up, the guy gets completely blindsided and finds out that he no longer has a girlfriend in that split second when you inform him… Unless he had plans on having kids with you, or you were like the most intelligent and cool woman he’s ever met, or he liked living in your house or driving your car, what he hears you telling him is “You don’t have guaranteed sex anymore.”

The first thing he’s going to reacquire will be sex.

The way he’s going to do that is by beginning to date women.

This is why it appears that men get over being on the rebound so quickly. The first thing that’s important is physicality. The second thing that’s important… maybe… is having a girlfriend. If you have a chick to have sex with, but she’s not your girlfriend, that’s called “Friends With Benefits” or “It’s Complicated” (which, nothing is complicated. People just don’t want to admit they’re hooking up with no formal agreement of exclusivity), both of which are as good as, if not better than having one girlfriend, because you’re still “allowed” to get more until you declare an alliance with one and forsake all the others.

Meanwhile, even if the female’s the one that did the breaking-up, she’s typically going to want to feel emotionally attached to a dude BEFORE having sex with him. This is what’s confusing to her when she sees her ex chillin’ with girls and enjoying his life one week after she broke up with him. She’s wondering how he was able to shake off the residual emotion from the relationship that quickly. Maybe he didn’t. Since guys don’t need to feel emotionally attached to gals in order to hook up with them, you might still be his #1 girl as far as he’s concerned, but you’ve abdicated your position. His options are to try to get you back and suffer through a lot of whining and demands, or go out with new girls that are GLAD to spend time with him, FLATTERED that he asked them out and HOPEFUL that he wants to have a relationship with them (or, even just hook up with them, if they’re feelin’ him that way).

Try To See It My Way

In another scenario, the relationship goes sour and people spend time “trying to work it out” with each other. One of the likely occurrences during that slow demise period is that she gets upset at him and starts withholding sex, which causes him to immediately start lining up new girls before the relationship’s even over.

As a side note.. This is typically mentioned by guys that get caught with wedding rings in their pockets, or on their chain around their neck, hanging below the collar of their shirt, so the chick they’re kickin’ it to at the bar can’t see it… Instead of giving up the rap, he says “It’s not working out between us” or “We’re not having sex together anymore” or “We have an agreement” or “We’re staying in the same house because of the kids” or “We can’t afford to live separately, even though we’re not together anymore”, or whatever he has to say to make you feel like you can give it up without becoming a homewrecker.

Even though most times, that’s just a boldfaced LIE and his relationship to his wife is perfectly fine, you can see my point. Lots of guys are trolling for girls between the time when they decide they’re going to exit their relationship in the future and when they actually tell you it’s over.

Some guys never stop picking up girls. You say what you have to say to one of them to lock her down as your best girlfriend and then let her feel like y’all are exclusive while you live the single life you always had and always intended to have.

When They Say “Why?.. Why?”

The last reason I’ll mention is that for some people, monogamy isn’t natural at all. It just doesn’t make any sense. Why would you NOT hook up with a chick that you wanted if she wanted you as well?

Unfortunately, being that the majority of the country is trained to request exclusive relationships, in order to gain access to some people, especially women, you have to lie and claim that you’re down with the program.

If that’s the case, then it’s actually A HARDSHIP, being in a relationship with you and when you break up with him, he returns to nature… Immediately! >:D

All of a sudden, The Game’s back on, and even if he’s rusty from having spent so much time with one woman, he’s going to enjoy the thrill of the hunt.. getting out there and seeing what he can do. Who’s he going to meet today? What will she look like? Will she be interested in him? Will he have to work for it? o_O

All the stuff that he didn’t get to do (or didn’t have to do) while he was with you is now available to him, and the adrenaline can be intoxicating. In fact, not only might he NOT experience a rebound phase, but he might actually be wondering how he had been able to spend so much time with only one gal before you broke up with him.
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Reader “Charles” left this comment on my post “Why Guys Catcall”:

Charles: “It’s the downside of the privileged position women occupy. The desired. The valued. Men have no street value, their bodies are not desired, in fact their nudity is considered visual assault. Catcalling may be a way for the oppressed to reclaim power and agency which the mating game forbids them.”

I know Charles personally, and I realize that he really enjoys debate and finding the political significance in just about ANY scenario, haha, but he brings up a valid and important point.

Women complain, as they very well should, that guys that they don’t feel like hooking up with approach them without invitation and discuss whatever type of sex they want to have with her or try to get a date or just tell her how sexy she looks today. That’s now known as Street Harassment. At the same time, the alternate reality of the vast majority of men needs to be considered as well, which is that women *NEVER* approach them and suggest sex. o_O

Privilege Of Desirability

The way the dating game works is that guys chase girls. Period.

Cavemen have been slandered since…. well.. since the caveman days (and their talking pet dinosaurs) for hitting women over the head with a club and dragging them back to the cave for definitelty sex and probably procreation because it wasn’t until The Roman Empire that anyone was looking for a pack of Trojans:

Club or no club.. How many stories are there in history of women pressing up on men to get sex?

Zero.

Similarly.. How many brothels are there where women can walk in the door, select a guy to have sex with and make that happen, so long as she has the ducats in her pocket?

Relative to locations where men can purchase sex from women?… Zero.

What does this have to do with catcalling?… In general, if a guy doesn’t attempt to get sex from a female, it’s not going to happen at all. If he doesn’t throw his hat in the ring and put in his two cents when he sees her looking good, he’s not likely to get laid by her.

Meanwhile, all women have to do is go outside, and some guy’s going to want to tap that. While this is perceived as a nuisance to a lot of women because they feel negatively about being seen as a sex object, it’s also the Privilege of Desirability.

Women are seen as valuable, right out the gate. The vast majority of men, as Charles points out, have no street value. This is why The Game is skewed in favor of the women, whose job it is to lay back and receive from whichever of their myriad suitors they select. Meanwhile, a guy has to put in A. LOT. OF. WORK. if he wants to attract even ONE female, much less maintain her sexual interest in him.

On top of that, if a guy demonstrates an inability (or lack of desire) to focus on only one woman, he gets low-rated, as if there’s something wrong with him or his brain doesn’t work properly or he hasn’t “grown up” yet or he’s still a “boy” and not a “man”… *YAWN* The whole situation is geared towards the (worthless) male demonstrating why the (valued) female should bless him with her presence at the very least, her time, attention, conversation, and way down the line, physical, sexual interest.

Personal Value

This is the genesis of buying women drinks that haven’t demonstrated ANY value to you whatsoever. You automatically go in the hole (no pun intended) for spending your hard-earned cash on someone that you probably won’t end up hooking up with, might not even end up as friends with and MIGHT receive a fake number from after she consumes the alcohol you bought her because you’re a sucker and you don’t value yourself enough to walk up to a woman on equal ground, say “Hello” and see what happens.

Do you think women buy other women drinks in order to talk to them? Nope. They just….. TALK! :D

Have you ever seen that in your life?.. I mean, aside from being in that kind of bar when it’s women’s jobs to kick it to women. Have you *EVER* seen a woman attempt to bribe another woman for a few minutes of conversation? I know I haven’t.

I’ve never seen them bribe men either. I get bought drinks by women all the time, but that’s because we know each other and I’ve already demonstrated value to them. This is because women know that the gift that they’re bringing to the scenario is……. THEMSELVES! and not only don’t they have to spend money on you, but several minutes into the conversation, you’re extremely likely to reciprocate and offer her a refill of whatever she’s drinking in exchange for the gift of her presence, attention and loveliness.

So, while I disagree with Charles’ “blah blah oppressed regain power blah blah blah”, the fact of the matter is that if you don’t enjoy the privilege of desirability, you know damned well that if you don’t try to kick game to this chick that you’re standing next to on the street corner, she’s about a gazillion percent unlikely to turn to you and say “Hey.. You’re looking good. Let’s go hook up! >:D”

Having said that… There are definitely guys that utilize Street Harassment in an obviously-ridiculous, intimidating, advantage-taking fashion, which isn’t cool at all. :/ This would be these bum-ass dudes that know they don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting a date from a particular chick, much less sex, yet they still insist on making comments to her when they pass each other on the street or get stuck next to each other in a crowded subway car.

There are also the guys that have become jaded due to their lack of desirability (for whatever reason.. lack of looks, money, humor, nice car or apartment, ability to articulate properly…) who only speak up because they know this gal isn’t going to stop and talk to them, so why not say something potentially degrading to her because this is the only chance they’ll have at catching any recreation with a female. That’s another completely wack state of mind for a guy to have.

Field Of Dreams

This brings us to another reader comment on the same article:

Liz: “The real question is: “Why don’t men care about how their catcalls make women feel?”

Catcalling IS about power. Men are still raised to feel a certain entitlement to women.”

I don’t think it’s about “entitlement to women” so much as a recognition of The Game.

The options for a guy, whether he stands a chance of hooking up with the woman he’s targeting or not, are to try to MAKE something happen or to ALLOW absolutely nothing to happen. The odds are completely and entirely stacked against anything sexual occurring that a female initiated.

Put it this way.. Let’s say that restaurants weren’t compelled to sell you food if you had the money to buy it. You could walk into a store with $100 in your pocket and they would refuse to sell you a $6 meal unless you specifically requested it. Since you entered the restaurant with the intention of eating, you have two choices, flag them down and tell them what you want, or starve, because all the other restaurants have the same policy.

Since your goal isn’t to starve, you’re likely to tell the cashier or waitress what you want.

Similarly, since guys don’t have the goal of NOT having sex with women they think are physically attractive, their options are to see what they can do or let it slide. It’s not that they feel entitled to the female. In fact, if men felt entitled to women, there wouldn’t be any catcalling at all. What do you say when you want to drink some water from your own refrigerator or from the tap on your sink? Nothing. You’re entitled to it. You want water? You drink it. There’s nothing to discuss.

It’s actually the LACK OF ENTITLEMENT that spurs on catcalling. What’s that construction worker going to get when he goes home? Nothing. He might pass by a bar after work and try to pull chicks or he might go to the strip joint, but for the most part, his entire interaction with women is yelling at the ones that pass the construction site. Same thing with dudes that stand around kicking it to females in the street. If they had anything better to do, they’d be doing it.

So, the reason why men don’t care about how their catcalls make women feel is that it’s not more important than getting laid. If you don’t say anything, she’s not going to offer sex to you. If you say something she doesn’t like, she’s not going to hook up with you. If you say something she likes, you have a chance.

There are lots of guys that care whether what they say to women makes them feel good or bad. There are lots of guys that refuse to catcall at all, because they think it’s a low-class thing to do, or it’s not their personal style. Since guys are forced to be the aggressors due to the uneven playing field for women & men when it comes to perceived desirability, how she feels about what you want may not register at all. If it IS considered, it’s most likely written off as collateral damage because if you’re trying to make an omelette, you have to break a few eggs.

In fact, if the playing field WERE even, I think catcalling would disappear entirely amongst desirable males. The disgruntled dudes will still talk yang because their goal isn’t to achieve the impossible and pull the girl.. it’s just to have SOME kind of interaction with her before she disappears and they never see her again, even if that’s just that the guy said something and the gal heard what he said.

The guys who girls actually like wouldn’t have any time for or interest in catcalling because they’d be too busy hooking up with girls that had stopped them on the street, told them how good they looked, gave him their contact information and invited him over for sex.
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Now that Rachel has me watching “Millionaire Matchmaker”, I can see that this is going to be my new weekly source of material, now that “Jersey Shore” is over.

So, this week, this millionaire dude is on the show and Patti asks him what he’s looking for in a female. He basically says that his only requirement is that he wants her to have an ass like Kim Kardashian:

Obviously, an ass like that should be written into law, along with “The Pursuit Of Happiness”, “Freedom Of Speech” and “A Chicken In Every Pot”, so there’s no arguing with a brotha’z selection process!!! >:D

So then, Patti compares dude to the show “Entourage”, because he’s always hanging out with his boys. He says that his friends are very important to him, and Patti asks “More important than the girl you’re dating?”…………….

There’s this long-ass pause while the guy thinks up a bullshit lie that he can attempt to cover up the truth with. If he had been being authentic, he would have said “HELLZ THE **** YEAH, MY BOYS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN SOME CHICK I’M DATING! >:D”

Keep It Real

This is one of the problems with “dating”. People are always trying to weasel their way into getting what they want on the sneak tip. You never get the real person right off the bat.

This is going to be amplified under matchmaking conditions. If you decide to have a professional matchmaker like Maria Avgitidis fix you up, it’s honestly in your best interests to be authentic with her about what you’re looking for and what you’re bringing to the table.

As I understand, Maria always asks her clients “What challenges do you think I’ll face matching you?” — She’s just passive aggressively given you a dose of realty and you should probably thank her for that. :D

If you’re not even going to look twice at a chick that doesn’t have a nice ass, say so.
If you already have a close set of friends that she’s going to have to JOIN if she wants to stand a chance of having a lasting relationship with you, say so.
If you only want to date chicks that drink almost as much as you do, say so.

The guy in question happened to be from New York City. Not a transplant from the sticks.. Someone that grew up here. People from other places aren’t going to be clear on how important your close, ultimately-valued friends are. They’re not going to understand what you’ve gone through together… Your inner circle is where important decisions are made and important lessons are learned. Life-altering and shaping stuff.. WAY more important than whether you get laid or not.

This is one of the things that makes dating native New York guys tough for females. We’ve already formed our units. We already have our families. We have our blood-related families and we have our friends who have been there through pivotal times who have been an incredibly important part of making us who we are today. You just don’t make it on the streets of NYC without close friends that you rely on. “A girl that you’re dating” has a Long. Ass. Uphill. Climb. to make it anywhere NEAR the level of importance of the people that have been representing for you for years, with no end in sight.

This is why dude should have been authentic and said “Look.. I’m looking to add a hawt chick into my daily routine. She’s either going to get down with my usual program or get ejected.”

You have to help matchmakers help YOU… Just like what happened in the episode, whatever your true nature is will be revealed relatively soon, and then if the chick isn’t with it, she’s gonna bounce.

I’m Not A Big Drinker

Similarly.. The only viable female (best ass) on that episode should have been straight up about her drinking habits.

Here’s what happened when they were sitting together, chatting at the initial meetup party:

Chick: “Tell me a little bit more about yourself.. What do you do for fun, though?”
Dude: “What do I do for fun?.. I.. You know.. [edit].. just have a good time, get drunk.. How about you?”
Chick: “I’m actually not a big drinker.”

Granted.. The show is edited and dude probably said a bunch of other stuff to her. However.. Here’s a tip for the ladies.. :D

If you ask a dude what he does for fun and his response is GET DRUNK, assume that’s what he’s going to plan to do when he’s with you. Before I saw this episode, I had never in my life heard of a guy actually TELLING a chick that he likes to get drunk in a pre-date situation. This is a RED-ASS-FLAG, ladies. Get a clue.

Your other tip is this: If you’re describing yourself, don’t beat around the bush. Stick to the facts. If you are NOT. A. DRINKER. AT. ALL., don’t describe yourself as “Not a big drinker”. You’re doing yourself a major disservice. If you’re not DTF, don’t act like you MIGHT be willing to hook up with him… Make definite statements, such as “I don’t drink” and “I don’t usually have sex at all, except for with my vibrator”.

I had an interesting situation occur recently where I went out for drinks with a chick. The first drink we were ordering from the bartender, I could have *SWORN* I heard her ask for 1/2 a beer! :D

She’s not an American, so I figured this might have been one of her country’s customs, that they actually will serve you 1/2 of a beer! :D

So the bartender had clearly been hired for his looks and not his intelligence and served both of us full beers, completely ignoring or failing to mentally grasp and process her request for 1/2 of a beer… The next round I ordered, I got another beer and she ordered soda, like, with nothing in it.. Just soda. This indicated to me that she, in fact, had desired 1/2 of a beer and had already consumed more alcohol than she wanted to during our hangout. In fact, I had never asked her what her tolerance for alcohol was before we entered the bar. All I knew was that I was going to get *MY* drink on, REGARDLESS, and if she wanted to do that too, that was on her. >:D

This is why y’all want to be *SPECIFIC* when the topic of drinking (or sex) comes up.

I’m a big drinker.

If you tell me “I’m not actually a big drinker”, I’m going to translate that relatively, not absolutely.

All that means to me is “I drink less than you do”.

Most people on this planet drink less than I do.

A friend of mine found me instantaneously at a function that had hundreds of people attending it by walking directly to the bar. She knew damned well that I was going to be within striking distance of my next drink.

So.. If you don’t drink AT ALL, just say so. You might not get the date, but you won’t get put in uncomfortable situations either. If you’re not down to hook up at all, just say so. You DEFINITELY won’t get the date, but you won’t end up in uncomfortable situations either.

The Inner Circle

The Inner Circle isn’t specifically restricted to male membership. It’s not a Bros before Hoes” boys’ club. Cool females can just as easily earn their stripes as close friends & trusted confidantes. In fact, there are lots of things you might kick it with your close homegirls about that you never bring up to your boys at all.

This is another problem that women in NYC are going to come up against as they try to corral guys into exclusive relationships. I’m not giving up my homegirls for you or anybody else. In fact, you have a long-ass way to go before you’re even considered to be anywhere approaching their level of importance in my life, much less surpassing them and taking over some kind of leading role. You’re starting off like 30 people down in the ending movie credits when I meet you for the first time. Better women than you have tried to gain and maintain an important position on the roster and they’ve been gone for a long time now. Good Luck! :D

In fact, this adds to the superficial nature of dating in NYC. Not only are there way more women than men here, but the guys already have women we enjoy spending time with. The only reason to add women to the roster is for sex or entertainment (or because she has an ass like Kim).

That’s why it’s extremely tough to match native New York guys with gals for exclusive relationships. We don’t need them. There’s no reason to settle down, whatesoever. It’s easier to match transplants, because they’re actually country boys from like Ohio or Alabama that moved here. They’re more likely to buy that one guy / one girl scenario.

A lot of gals don’t understand this and think that because they have the title of ‘girlfriend’, that gives them special position in a guy’s life. All that means is “This is the chick I hook up with the most”. It doesn’t mean we trust you. It doesn’t mean we’re going to choose your side over a gal we’ve known and cared about for years before we realized that you existed. It doesn’t mean we’re going to hang out with you at your grandmother’s house instead of going to the batting cages with the fellaz. It doesn’t mean we’re going to suddenly become sober because you don’t like to drink… It doesn’t mean anything at all, other than that you’re the most likely person to get a call when we feel horny.

Personality

This is why I always say that a gal’s personality is her most important asset.

Yeah, your looks get you in the door.

Yeah, the fact that you’re down to hook up keeps you in the game.

You’re never actually going to become IMPORTANT to a dude until he considers you one of his homies… one of his inner circle… one of “Tha Fellaz”. If he’s down to take you wherever he goes, that’s when you know you’re in there like Belvedere. If he brings you around his close friends and they treat you respectfully, you know that he’s already vouched for you. You’re not some pice of ass.. You’re his FRIEND. He respects you and he’s requested that his friends respect you as well.

You’re an extension of him. When they see you, they’re seeing him. That counts whether he’s standing next to you, whether he’s over at the bar getting another round or whether he’s not even in the same state and they ran into you in the street. He’s vetted you, so whatever amount of respect they have for him is automatically applied to you as if you were his girlfriend, wife, cousin or sister.

He doesn’t have to tell you this, and most likely won’t. It’s an agreement between the people that are already “down”. The difference is obvious between someone that’s important to you and some chick you happen to be hooking up with. The hookup-chicks come and go like the wind. Here Today, Gone Tomorrow. Wipe your hands. Brush your shoulder off. Nobody even asks what happened to them because they know the drill.

So if you’re relying on your looks, you’re gonna end up short. If you’re relying on the fact that you’re DTF, you’re gonna end up short. Use whatever tricks you have up your sleeve to get your foot in the door and then get to know guys and let them know you. Dudes aren’t lonely in NYC. We already have a bunch of dudes to hang out with. We already have a bunch of gals to hang out with. All we have to do is head down to Times Square or Bryant Park and we’ll be literally SURROUNDED by foyine chicks.

Distinguish yourself by your personality. It’s your only win in this city. Trust & Believe that regardless of what guys might tell you in order to gas your head up and get you to lay down, Until you’re considered a member of his inner circle, you’re nowhere near as important to him as you think you are.
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