How To Avoid Pregnancy

Here are five quick tips on how to avoid getting your girl pregnant:

1) Don’t hit it… evAr

Yes. I know. This tip is useless, because you were only talking to her in the first place so you could have sex with her. I know. I know….

2) Time her cycle [Edit: Extended discussion/explanation @ “Don’t Try The Rhythm Method”. Basically, *ANY* technique for avoiding pregnancy that involves getting *ANY* liquid on a chick other than your saliva is *COMPLETELY* *RETARDED*!]

Relatively, there’s only a small window of time during which you can accidentally get your girl pregnant… I mean, ACTUALLY get your girl pregnant. According to
The American Pregnancy Association:

“During the time of ovulation, an egg is available to be fertilized for only about 12-24 hours. But since sperm can live in the body for 3-5 days and then the egg is available for one day, your most fertile time is considered to be about 5-7 days.”

Even if we stretch that to 10 days, you have another 20 days each month that you can do what you say, say what you mean and one thing won’t lead to another!

YOUR assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to figure out which week out of each month you need to regularly have one whole hell of a lot of headaches and late nights at the office! πŸ˜€

3) No Glove… No Love

Condoms don’t fail because the factory made them poorly. They fail because YOU didn’t put them on correctly. Make sure the condom fits. Make sure you leave space at the top for your… Happy Ending.

Here’s a tip. If the sex starts feeling “too good”, the condom probably broke or rolled off. STOP &#@$%G RIGHT NOW! and go get another condom.

4) Only screw chicks with career aspirations

Make sure you talk about careers early in your relationship with your girlfriend. If her chosen career path dictates that she can’t afford to take time off for maternity leave, you’re IN THERE! πŸ˜€

Just don’t bungle the position by a) making her fall in love with you so she no longer cares about careers or money, or b) getting that big promotion that makes her feel like starting a family off of YOUR paycheck.

5) Hit it during her period [Edit: Revised. I didn’t express myself properly here. I should have said “Hit it on THE FIRST DAY of her period” See the comments below or read “Don’t Try The Rhythm Method” for clarification. Thanks to Kenya for bringing it up in the comments and thanks to other friends of mine for bringing it up IRL in the time since I initially made this post. πŸ™‚ ]

Hey…. What goes up…. Must come down! πŸ˜€


Male Birth Control Pills!!!

Oh, Thank GOD for the future!!!!!! πŸ˜€

It’s about to be ON and POPPIN!!! πŸ˜€

According to MSNBC’s Article, a male birth control pill may be right around the corner! πŸ˜€ BOO-YAH! πŸ˜€

Why is this a big deal? Because we all know that regardless of death and destruction, people STILL, to this day, in 2008 AD, don’t like to use condoms. I’m not just talking about the fellaz… It’s the chicks too. That’s a whole post by itself, but basically… By the time a chick’s throwin’ it at you, she thinks you’re special. This is because they like to add all this extra relationship stuff on top of the sex. So, while all YOU were thinking is “She’s hawt… She could get it”, she’s put a lot more thought into it, including feeling like you’re “clean” and that she wouldn’t mind having kids with you. This isn’t necessarily right off the bat, but if you tap it proppah one time for the people, be on the lookout for the relaxation of the condom requirements.


More importantly, condoms are “only” something like 97% effective. I know that seems like a high percentage, but you have to consider that number realistically, and not statistically. It’s not that every time you put on a condom, there’s only a 3% chance that it’s not going to hook you up. It’s that out of 100 times, 3 DUDES are DEFINITELY going to catch a bad one! πŸ˜€ The obvious problem with that is that if you have a steady chick and you hit it only once a week (?????) you TTL is 2 years, if you’re lucky. Basically, hit it 100 times, and you have 3 chances to end up with a kid.

This is because the numbers aren’t based on the failure of the material… It’s based on HUMAN ERROR. I figure the main error is not putting it on properly in the first place, so that you find out it rolled off during the act, hahahahaha = baby. The second error is not leaving space at the top. This means that all the way up until “the end”, the condom’s perfectly intact. When you do your thing, however, too much pressure is built up, and it breaks right where you need it NOT to break! hahahahaha = baby. So it’s not that out of every 100 condoms you buy, that three of them don’t work. It’s that in every 100 applications, there’s the prospect of incorrect application, et voila. πŸ˜€

So anyway… This ultimately traumatic situation is about to be a thing of the past! πŸ˜€ With a male birth control pill, the intelligent guy will FINALLY be in control of his destiny! πŸ˜€

We’re about to experience many conversations like this:

Her: I think I’m pregnant
Him: I think you’re…….. NOT! πŸ˜€
Her: Remember a couple of weeks ago, when we XYZ?
Him: Barely… So what?
Her: I felt myself get pregnant
Him: Oh yeah? :/
Her: Yeah, so I took this test, and it’s positive. I’m pregnant.
Him: ……
Her: So I was thinking we should get married, and
Him: *PSYCH*!!! πŸ˜€
Her: …
Him: I’ve been taking THESE! πŸ˜€ [producing male birth control pills]
Her: …
Him: Uh huh. So… You’d Betta Ca-Hall TyRone!!! (Call Him!)
Her: …
Him: Say… I know a producer on “Maury”. I could get you on next month.

Ahhhhhhhh, YES! πŸ˜€ FREEDOM!!! πŸ˜€

Not that I give a damn how it works, IF it works, but if YOU want to read up on it, check out

There are lots of guys that have already dealt with this issue by getting vasectomies. I think a pill is a much better idea, as long as the effects aren’t neutralized by the consumption of vast amounts of alcohol. As long as you remember to take it, you’re cool. However, if you happen to meet a genetically superior chick that you actually want to have kids with, you can stop taking it and I assume your production returns to normal, eventually, hahaha.

This will be great for those guys that get into situations where they’re living with a chick or married to her or whatever, and according to her, there’s no reason for him to still be using condoms. The way she sees it, since they’re in a committed relationship, they don’t need it. This is especially true if she’s on the pill. However, there are chicks that forget to take the pill and chicks that “forget” to take the pill, so this is STILL a traumatic experience for the thinking man that isn’t interested in “starting a family” yet (or ever)(or with this particular chick)(or that already has enough kids for his liking)(or thinks this chick is crazy, so he’s not trying to have any genetically-crazy kids).

Yes, Yes! πŸ˜€ If they’re smart, the male birth control pill will cost a gazillion dollars, because it’ll be worth it for the peace of mind that it brings. πŸ™‚ A friend of mine, literally, EVERY SINGLE MONTH would tell me he was ‘afraid’ that his chick was pregnant. EVERY Month! πŸ˜€ The problem with this is that, basically, chicks can get pregnant on the opposite side of the month from when they miss their periods. So if you THINK you got her pregnant, either you’re a fool and you don’t have your girl’s period timed… or you know you spilled right around ovulation and you have a good 15 days to sweat about potentially being BROKE for the next 18 years.

So, the smart guy will avoid this when male birth control finally arrives on the shelves. It’s a brand new day, gentlemen! Thank God for technology! πŸ˜€