Bill Cammack » care

How To Pretend To Listen (Cricket Status)

Bill Cammack — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 11:50:00 +0000

So.. Let’s say, hypothetically, that you’re dating someone that likes to run their mouth ad infinitum about NEVER ANYTHING IMPORTANT.. What you need to learn is how to seem like you’re paying attention to their drivel when you’re actually not.

This is important because if you actively ignore them, it could have adverse effects on your getting laid. Later for THAT! :D .. However, you also can’t afford to focus on what they’re saying to you, because a) it’s completely meaningless and devoid of educational content and b) it’s 4th & 3 on the 12 yard line.

Cricket Status

So the way to deal with this is to process what your SO’s saying in the background, meaning they’re saying it in the foreground, probably actually in between you and the television, but you mentally place them in the background, similar to crickets.

You know how you don’t hear when crickets START chirping?.. And then, all of a sudden, you’re like WHAT’S THAT CONSTANT NOISE??? That’s because you HEARD the crickets get started with that ish, but since cricket-chirping doesn’t matter at all, there was no reason to focus on it until all your foreground sound stopped and then the crickets are suddenly really loud. This is the space you have to relegate your SO’s voice to.

Similar to the crickets, you won’t miss out on anything useful by ignoring what your SO’s saying.. Like, they don’t know anything about football, so they’re not likely to accurately predict what the next play might be or what the coach is thinking right now. They don’t know anything about driving, so they can’t give you tips on how to drive better while you’re driving. They don’t know anything about danger, so they can’t warn you when it’s time to Break North With No Delay.

I’ve reminded myself of an example. I was skimming through a show my DVR picked up the other day, and it was stories from television field producers about their episodes. This chick gets on the screen and says “I’ve been in some dangerous situations” and then goes on to list a) being in a prison (not as an inmate.. as a chick with a video camera), and b) being in the projects. She mistakenly categorized being in a prison as a guest as MORE DANGEROUS than being in the projects. That’s because she has no actual grasp on reality.

If you go to a prison as a chick with a video camera that was sent there by an international television network, they are going to MAKE. $&%*#^%. SURE. that NOTHING happens to you.. NUTH-THANG. NOTHING. You might be AROUND dangerous people, but you’re surrounded by guards and security measures that have your back. If you go to the projects.. where do you think the inmates live when they get out of jail, stupid?

So.. The projects are OBVIOUSLY way more dangerous than a prison, because you’re on your own. No warden, No guards, No guest badge. Nothing. It’s you and your camera vs anyone that feels like chumping you off. This is an example of someone who will just be saying BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH when it comes to security issues, because she doesn’t know what she’s talking about and you may as well focus on IMPORTANT sounds that might help you navigate the situation safely.

Anyway.. Here’s how you act like you’re paying attention when you’re really not… Feel free to test this out on people you’re not trying to hook up with until you get good at it so you don’t actually fumble a few good physical experiences if you get caught.

How To Get Your “Ignore” On And Still Get Laid

This technique can be a REAL mental energy saver! :D Normally, what happens is that you have to listen to an entire sentence that someone says, figure out the meaning of it, figure out the relevance of it and then attempt to squeeze blood from a stone until you figure out that, no.. there was ZERO USEFUL CONTENT in what they just said. This takes a long time.

Eventually, you get to the point that you realize that the person you’ve been wasting time listening to never begins speaking from a position of relevance. If I’m watching THE GAME, try to say something useful about THE GAME. I don’t care how your day was right now (read: Ever, as in “I NEVER care how your day was, especially not when it’s 4th & 3 on the 12). This is when, for efficiency & sanity’s sake, you need to relegate your SO’s voice to Cricket Status. Chirp Chirp Chirp, Blah Blah Blah, it’s all the same.

The way the actual technique works is that you’re watching the game, right.. Every once in a while, you dart your eyes in your SO’s direction as if they matter right now. This adds to the illusion of paying attention. When you get better at this, you don’t even have to take your eyes off the game! :D

Now, in every set of words, there’s going to be a beginning, and end and a couple of key words that you need to catch. The beginning and end are both marked by a pause in between. The key word(s) could occur anywhere within the sentences. Once you’re sure you’ve figured out the key words, memorize those and mentally throw all the rest of what they just rambled on about in the trash. Now you can watch the game without incident while your SO chirps away.

Eventually, similar to crickets, your SO will stop making noise. This is usually when they reach a saturation point and require input from you so they can believe they’re involved in a two-way conversation. This is the pause I mentioned above and this is your time for action. If you’re lucky (or.. UNLUCKY, depending on how you see things), the pause never happens and your SO gets off on the fact that they’re talking. If this is the case, don’t bother with this technique. If they ever stop talking, just say “oh yeah?” and they’ll launch into another inane soliloquy.

Once you hear the pause, this is the only time that you’re going to divert attention from what really matters in life. This is when you utilize those key words that you’ve been retaining. Use a questioning tone, meaning the pitch of your voice should go higher towards the end. Depending on your current level of proficiency, you may or may not have to look at them while you’re speaking. Ask them a question based on the key words and then repeat the process of parsing their reply for the next key words and trashing everything else they say.

Sometimes, you get lucky, and the key words occur right in the front, so you can start ignoring them immediately. Let’s say their monologue is “So, today at work, I blah blah blah blah blah blah blah”. When you detect the pause, you say “So ALL THAT happened AT WORK?” Try to sound like you’re amazed. That normally gets them to wax poetic and go into more detail about the situation so you can ignore them longer before the next pause.

If they say “I was thinking about where we should go on vacation and it’s between Cancun and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah”, when you hear the pause, you say “What exactly do you like about Cancun?”. Get it? :)

This works like a charm, and at the end of your program, sports event or trying to write a dating blog post, you feel like you experienced 90% of it instead of 40% of it because you wasted so much time attempting to find the needle in the haystack.. which would have been the useful content in whatever your SO was rambling on and on about.

Advanced Application

When you get REALLY good at this and into the advanced stages, you can stop talking altogether and use facial expressions to communicate with your over-talkative SO. When you hear the pause occur, tilt your head slightly and furrow your brow. This translates as “WHAT???” to the talker, and they’ll start explaining their position, which buys you more quality time. If you wait for the pause and then lift your head up in the air while raising at least one eyebrow, this indicates “OHHHHH”, like you understand what they just said. This reinforces their belief that you care what they’re talking about and prompts them to tell you more.. Chirp Chirp Chirp.

~ Bill Cammack

Prevent Teen Pregnancy!

Bill Cammack — Wed, 06 May 2009 18:14:38 +0000

Today, May 06, 2009, is the eighth annual National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. As the world-renowned DatingGenius (not to mention, the author of “How To Avoid Pregnancy” and “Donâ€™t Try The Rhythm Method!”), I feel it’s my duty to inform you how to keep your kids out of the Teen Pregnancy zone.

Boredom -> Pregnancy

Teens are BORED. Teens have nothing to do with their time. GIVE your kids something to do, or they will FIND something to do. Enroll them in Karate or Piano Lessons or a Dance Company.

Make them play Football or Softball or SOMETHING! This way, they’re having fun, they’re spending their time learning things and achieving goals and hopefully, at the end of the day, they’ll be too tired from all that physical and mental exercise to have sex! :D

Give Your Kids Money

There are lots of things that teenagers WOULD do IF they could afford it. Last I checked, going to the movies in NYC costs around $12 for each person, and that’s if you want to sit there without popcorn, soda, etc the entire time.

This is why you need to give your kids money. If teens have money, they’ll go DO THINGS. They’ll go to a restaurant to eat. They’ll go to museums and learn about King Tut. They’ll go skating in a roller rink instead of in the street. Besides… In case none of these distractions work, they’ll have money to spend on condoms.

If you think I’m kidding, make sure you consider these two things:

Going to the movies costs money
Girls are free

If you ask your daughter how much that guy paid her to get some, (not like she’d tell you to begin with, but) she’s going to say “NOTHING”. If you ask that same teenager how much he paid to see Terminator Salvation, he’s going to say $12. Get the picture?

Same thing for the arcade. Same thing for the batting cages. Same thing for that video game he wants that costs $60 and he could play in his house ad infinitum. Same thing for going snowboarding. Same thing for buying roller hockey equipment. EVERYTHING costs money, except for chicks.. so if you don’t want your son out there in the streets scrambling to get on, make sure he has some ducats so he can do something PRODUCTIVE with his time.

Don’t Be Such A Jerk

We all know you need to ‘put your foot down’ as a parent in order for your kids to respect/fear you, but don’t overdo it. You don’t want to be so much of a JERK that your kids don’t want to talk to you when they have problems or issues. What you need is for them to see you as someone smarter and with more experience that can guide them if they can’t figure out something for themselves, or at least point them in what you think is the right direction.

What you DON’T want is for them to feel like telling you ANYTHING is going to get them punished, in which case you will experience a Media Blackout. You won’t find out ANYTHING about your son or daughter until the school, the cops or the clinic contacts you, and by then, it’s too late.

Make sure they know that you’re THE LAW, but also that you’re willing to hear them out and be fair about things. How many kids would have avoided teen pregnancy if they could have come to their parents honestly instead of getting their advice from other kids on the street? You have to be an ally. You need to be on their side of things, although you’re clearly in command. You need to be a General and not a Warden.

Be Nice To Your Kids

A lot of teens are out in the streets looking for affection they never got at home. While you’re so busy playing tough-guy and king-of-the-castle, your kids are spending time with people they actually LIKE and who act like they like THEM.

Figure out stuff you can do with your kids. Figure out ways to let them know they’re loved and build their self-esteem. Don’t send them out in the world looking for codependent relationships to “complete” themselves. Send them out the door knowing who they are and that they’re fantastic people and have a support system behind them and they’re not on their own in this world. Don’t have them running around trying to have kids so they have someone that will love them unconditionally. That’s YOUR job.

Handle your business before some teenager handles it for you.

~Bill

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