Bill Cammack

“Men Are Dogs!!!!!” is the battle cry of so many women that are incredulous about the fact that either they or their girlfriend just got cheated on. I’m sure this seems like an empowering statement to them, except they’re actually providing the excuse for guys to continue this behavior and get away with it scot-free every time.

First of all, if men are supposed to be these primitive characters that can’t control basic biological urges, what do YOU look like following THEM? :D You’re following HIM!!! You’re worried about what HE’S DOING with his own life and his own body. What does that say about you that you hooked up with some caveman that’s liable to screw any chick at any time?

I know it feels better to believe that that’s what happened. It’s a boost to the self-esteem to believe that you man tried his damnedest to be faithful to you and FAILED MISERABLY, SEVERAL TIMES OVER THE LAST MONTH! It feels better to see him as a loser, a clown and a failure than to admit to the fact that he did what he wanted to do and went and got laid behind your back (or, in front of your face, in some circumstances).

This is because if he did it on purpose, you’re going to perceive YOURSELF as a loser for not being able to control another human being or you’re going to have to levy repercussions against him for going against his word to you. Those repercussions might mean the end of your relationship, and since you’re not willing to walk away, that’s not an option. So, since you’re not going anywhere, it’s best for you, mentally, to slap five with your homegirls and talk about how your man is a dog and couldn’t control himself and laugh about it over drinks before you go back home and give him some.

We have the same thing for women, except y’all are suckers for love, not physical interaction. That’s why R&B music works on women. Y’all want to believe that this junk the guy’s singing about on the radio is actually happening TO YOU, so you get in line and have your fantasies about what’s happening while the guy’s like “ahhhhh… Finally! It’s about time she gave it up!” … “Thanks, Johnny Gill! :D”.. So, yeah, hahaha While y’all are laughing about how guys “can’t control themselves” and “have to” try to screw other women, we’re laughing about how we said “I love you” one time and your drawers automatically detached themselves from your body and fell to the Earth, somewhere in the vicinity of your ankles.

~Bill | @BillCammack

We’ve already established in “Maury Show Tips: 01 – You Are An Idiot” that if The Maury Show calls you AT ALL, then either YOU are an idiot, your girlfriend is an idiot or BOTH OF YOU are idiots. That means there’s a 66% chance that you are an idiot, which is higher than 50%, so let’s just assume that it’s YOU. Here’s the proof:

You + Her = Result
================
Smart + Smart = Rejected. Never seen on the show [25%]
Smart + Idiot = She did something that will embarrass you = Guest [25%]
Idiot + Smart = You did something that will embarrass her = Guest [25%]
Idiot + Idiot = Ratings Galore = GUEST!!! (multiple episodes) [25%]

Now, because you’ve been invited as a guest, we can throw out Smart+Smart, which leaves us with two slots where you are an idiot and one slot where you are not = 66% chance that the idiot is YOU.

If your girl happens NOT to be an idiot (which, BTW… you wouldn’t be smart enough to figure out), then we can rule out the Paternity Test series. The only trick The Maury Show has left up its sleeve is The Lie Detector Test.

Like I mentioned previously, even the secretary who buzzed you in the security door to the studio is more educated than you are. PLEASE do yourself a favor and FORGET ABOUT TRICKING AN-NY-BOD-DEE until you get back out in the street, like FAR AWAY from the studio and make sure you turn a couple of corners so their outside cameras can’t see you either.

Of course, the entire point of this series is that you’re not going to take my advice and stay off the show, so here’s how to carry yourself when you’re a guest on the Lie Detector Test episodes: Read the rest of this entry »