On another post, reader Alexis asks The Kid:

Bill, I am curious… Knowing that you are the kind of guy who is very “here and now” wouldn’t that turn off someone that you possible “love”? So I gotta know… How do you treat a woman that you KNOW if someone you LOVE and want to be committed to? Or even possible married? Do you still treat her this way (as “here and now”? Or does she get “different” and “preferential” treatment.

I think that this highlights a fundamental problem in relationships. Unfortunately, it’s a sleeper, and people don’t recognize it until it’s too late and they’re already months or years down the road in their relationships.

The first thing you need to be able to do in a “relationship” is BE. YOURSELF!

What I mean by that is that being a “here and now”, “spur of the moment” person is part of my PERSONALITY. I can not give someone preferential treatment vs MY OWN PERSONALITY. haha It doesn’t work like that. When it comes down to a choice between my personality and some chick, the chick loses. Period. Every time. No question or doubt. Zero exceptions.

Any time I CHOOSE to do something that goes against my nature for the benefit of a female, I’m doing her A FAVOR. It’s not that I’m compelled to do something out of some sense of “She deserves this” or she gets some sort of “preferential treatment”. Nope. I decided it’s something I either don’t want to do or don’t care about doing, but I’m going to CHOOSE to do it anyway, as a gift to her.

People RARELY bring what they actually want to the table when it comes to dating. It’s funny how if you go read entries on dating sites, they all sound so vanilla and middle-of-the road. Nobody’s doing “nothing” out of the ordinary. Everybody wants the same thing….. Right. :/ What’s really happening is that everyone’s holding back the real deal, hoping to land the other person while suppressing what they really want and what they really like.

This is one reason why people seem to “change” down the line. They get tired of acting. They get tired of suppressing who they really are to get the other person to do the right thing. You know what? I’m done taking out the trash. I’m done mowing the lawn. I’m done babysitting your kids. I’m done taking you to the movies. I’m done going to your grandmother’s house on Sundays. I’m done having kids with you I didn’t ask for or plan. I’m done listening to your crabby girlfriend low-rate me to you. I’m done doing things the way YOU like them instead of the way *I* want to do them. Take it or leave it. I don’t care. Be Out. Peace. Don’t let the door hit’cha where the Good Lord split’cha.

It’s easy to be (not yourself) during a few dates or if you only see someone briefly. It’s not so easy when you start seeing someone regularly or get into some kind of relationship with them. This is why you need to consider YOUR PERSONALITY first and whomever you’re dealing with SECOND.

When people don’t do what they want to do inside relationships, they do those things OUTSIDE of relationships. Does that make sense? When was the last time Hillary was under the table with a cigar? Get the picture? These things have to be done and SOMEBODY’S got to do it. Faking it and suppressing it in a relationship doesn’t mean it’s gone. If you’re not doing it, it’s happening in some other way.

Same thing with how chicks want guys to throw out their erotica collections. Come on. Srsly? Can you mind YOUR OWN BUSINESS? hahahaha The collection was around BEFORE you and will be around AFTER you. He was already into this stuff at the time you married him and was into it steadily for years until you found it. Get over it, live with it or break North. I actually saw a television show where they sent some guy to a camp or something to try to cure him of his erotica addiction hahaha oh brother. Sorry. If he likes chicks that look like X and you look like Y, you’re not going to visually turn him on REGARDLESS. You’re actually better off letting him keep what gets him aroused and reaping the benefits yourself, Capisce?

Alexis asked (basically) if my personality would turn off people that I possibly love. The answer to that is “Most Definitely! hahaha”. The reason that’s funny is that I actually REQUIRE people to be turned off by things that I do that they don’t like. That’s the only way to go, IMO. If you can’t hang with me, don’t. If reading DatingGenius gets you upset, go read something else. If you don’t like the chicks I go out with, send me some that you like. Good Lookin’ Out, haha.. Email their pics to DatingGenius@gmail.com. If you don’t like the fact that I say “chicks” instead of “ladies” or “women”, don’t listen to me speak in person. This isn’t one of those “It takes a village” situations.. In this case, it only takes one.

If 100 chicks don’t want to hang out with me for whatever reason and ONE wants to hang out with me, having a decent idea “Who I am” from reading my posts or chatting with me in person, I’m GOOD! My time is being well-spent, thank you. Personally, I’ve already been down that road of acting like someone else so some chick will wanna spend time with me, and it always ends up with “Bump THIS!.. I’mma do what *I* wanna do!” and that’s that.

The trick to these situations is personality and getting to know each other. Women attempt to distinguish themselves sexually in relationships, and for the most part, that can’t be done. The only way you’re going to stand out is by your personality, demeanor, way of being, how you carry yourself, your intelligence, common sense… The things that make any human being great are the things that a guy is going to select YOU for over the next woman and want to be exclusive with you. The fact that you give it up the most isn’t going to get you any credit towards layaway on an engagement ring. ‘Matter of fact, that doesn’t even mean he LIKES having sex with YOU the most… it just means he’ll take it.

When a guy gets to know a gal and honestly likes and respects her as a person, he NATURALLY wants to ‘do for her’. “What do *I* want to do” is often replaced by “What can I do to make HER smile?”. That’s not acting, pretending or playing it off. It’s a natural urge that he gets that’s honestly as vivid and strong as his erotica collection creates. It’s a really GREAT thing to be able to do for a woman that you feel deserves your time and attention. It’s great because it’s your desire to fulfill HER desires and you get to accomplish both at the same time as well as letting her know that she’s loved and appreciated.

IMO, This is when things work out the best.. When the actual personality of each person compels them to have the best interests of the other person at heart. Unfortunately, haha, that’s not usually the case, and people come to the table trying to get what they’re trying to get and temporarily concealing differences between them that might cause them not to get laid (or whatever they’re looking for from the other person). So “preferential treatment” isn’t actually what you want to look for in someone to date… You’re looking for someone who naturally wants to be around you, spend time with you, be in contact with you and incorporate you into every facet of his life that he possibly can, if you’re thinking this guy has ideas about future plans with you.

As for the folks that are busy concealing idiosyncrasies, as long as you’re looking to get in and get out, that’s fine. Have fun with that. If your plan in to get into a LTR, my advice is to make sure that person knows who you are from the giddyap, ’cause when you get tired of acting, there’s the potential for the situation to become a complete mess. BELEEDAT!

~Bill

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I have an intimate relationship with alcoholic beverages.

This is why I just completely DETEST when people try to use alcohol as an excuse as far as why they did something. It’s a copout. It’s bullshit. There are two main reasons for this.

First… if YOU drank the alcohol YOURSELF, and you knew what you were drinking, I don’t want to hear it. The only break you might get is if you’re just beginning drinking. A friend of mine in college drank alcohol for what may have been his first time, but was DEFINITELY a rare occasion for him, and he swore up and down that our other friend’s hair was WHITE… when I was looking right at it, and my friend’s hair was BLACK. :D As friends, it was our duty and responsibility to BAN THAT GUY FROM DRINKING EVER AGAIN! He did it as an experiment, just to try it out, but alcohol just didn’t agree with him and it was in everyone’s best interest, especially his own that he keep his mind right, so he was banned.

So.. Other than not understanding what the alcohol was going to do to you because you’re just starting, NOBODY has an excuse for what they did when it comes to alcohol, IMO. It’s YOUR responsibility to know whether you can handle it or not. It’s NOT your friend’s responsibility to “look out for you” after you’ve incapacitated yourself. It’s a good deed, and it’s nice of friends to do that, because friends have definitely done that for me, like when I’ve fallen asleep on the subway and was leaning all over people I didn’t know, or when they didn’t want me to ride my bike, or when I licked birthday cake off of some chick’s face at her party and her uncle thought he was gonna do something about it, but my friends didn’t HAVE TO look out for me in those situations. They CHOSE TO, even though I didn’t ask them to, and I appreciate that. Completely.

Still… Choosing to drink AT ALL makes it MY responsibility from the giddyap. That’s the first reason why alcohol is no excuse for ANYTHING. It’s something that YOU do to YOURSELF. You utilized your own free will and ingested the beverages, so now you can deal, or you can’t.

A friend of mine told me just the other day about a situation where she went out to a bar with some other chicks, one of them “got nice” on her own, met a guy she liked, hooked up with him, and then, the next day, she was all like “Why didn’t you stop me? :O”. First of all, she drank the alcohol herself. Second of all, she didn’t hire my friend to be her babysitter for the night. Third, she didn’t ask my friend ahead of time to stop her from spreading her legs. Since she didn’t ask my friend, there was no reason for my friend to assume that the chick WANTED to be stopped and wasn’t acting from her own free will and basic character. This brings us to the second reason why it’s bullshit to use alcohol as an excuse…

My friends started drinking in Elementary School. Their parents had the money and bought tons of liquor, my friends knew where it was and threw parties pretty much every weekend. I wasn’t in attendance, because that wasn’t my set back then, but I heard the stories about the parties when we all got back to school. I was just anti the whole “get high” concept until I got to college, so I wouldn’t have bothered with it anyway.

The reason I bring that up is that I received YEEEEARS of brainwashing about the effects of alcohol. The main point was that when people drink, they lose their fuckin’ minds. They just go absolutely berserk and aren’t in control of themselves. I had no choice but to buy into this, because I had never BEEN high (which some people use to denote drug use, but I use for any substance, including alcohol, glue sniffing, nail polish, huffing…) until I got to college. I guess my very first experience with alcohol would have bolstered the brainwashing, because I couldn’t play guitar AT.ALL. :D I remember wondering “How in the HELL does Keith Richards do it?” I also remember the feeling of my mind being altered, and also “coming down” for the first time. Once I got a handle on alcohol and really started THINKING and assessing my current state, I realized why people try to use alcohol as an excuse as well as why it’s completely invalid.

People like to use the phrase “Alcohol reduces inhibitions”, but they don’t really understand what they’re talking about. Here’s the definition, from Webster’s:

Main Entry: in·hi·bi·tion Listen to the pronunciation of inhibition
Pronunciation: \ˌin-hə-ˈbi-shən, ˌi-nə-\
Function: noun
Date: 14th century

1 a: the act of inhibiting : the state of being inhibited b: something that forbids, debars, or restricts
2: an inner impediment to free activity, expression, or functioning: as a: a mental process imposing restraint upon behavior or another mental process (as a desire) b: a restraining of the function of a bodily organ or an agent (as an enzyme)

So.. A reduction of inhibition, which EVERYONE AGREES that alcohol facilitates… means that when you get drunk, you lose [an inner impediment to free activity, expression or functioning]. You know what that means? That means that when you’re drunk, You.Do.What.You.WANT.To.Do.

Basically, you temporarily forget to act unnaturally. You lose the ability to remember what you told someone else you were going to do, as well as what you told YOURSELF you were going to do. All that’s left is what you WANT to do, which is why alcohol is no excuse AT ALL for what you did while you were drunk. None.

Of course, I haven’t hung out with everyone on the planet, but I don’t know ANYONE that I have EVER gotten drunk with that turned into somebody that they weren’t already, naturally, by consuming alcohol. There’s no Jekyll & Hyde. There’s only the person they consciously strive to present to you publicly, and the person they really are, if they were to release themselves from the bullshit restrictions they put on themselves in order to be accepted in society or get the right jobs or land the right girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife.

Now… What does this have to do with dating? :D

When you go to the bar and meet someone that’s already drunk, do yourself the favor of NOT ASSUMING he/she’s going to be the same person the next day or ever again when they’re sober. Don’t assume that that person’s going to remember you the next time they meet you coughsorryanniecough. Don’t assume that because y’all shared good times together that that’s going to make it to the drunk person’s long-term memory. Don’t assume that because they gave you their number when they were drunk, they want to receive a call from you when they’re sober.

More importantly, if the person you’re dating is a drinker, it’s IMPERATIVE to get drunk with them. If someone won’t drink with you, it could mean they don’t trust YOU enough to get drunk around you, but it could also mean that they don’t trust THEMSELVES to get drunk around you. Granted… There are some people that just.don’t.drink, and more power to them. I’m talking about the people that you KNOW drink and have TOLD YOU they drink and STILL won’t get drunk in front of you. People get really paranoid of showing their true colors.

Now, as we all know, people LOVE to use alcohol as an excuse for cheating. Hopefully, you understand now that that’s out the window. By misusing and misunderstanding the idea of “loss of inhibitions” as well as not holding people responsible for getting themselves drunk in the first place, that’s made alcohol a loophole. “I didn’t know what I was doing”. “I lost my mind”. “I can’t believe I did that”. “I’m not that type of person”. Sorry. Yes, you are. You ARE the type of person to get drunk and hook up with someone you’ve never seen before in life… because you just did it. Yes you are the type of person to get mad and start throwing things around the house or start kicking people’s asses. Yes you are the type of person to lick birthday cake off of chicks’ faces because you damned well felt like it, AND WHAT?

I still remember hearing the guy down the hall screaming about how his niece isn’t a whore, blah blah blah. Sorry dude. The only person that called your niece a whore was YOU! She was sweating The Kid and she was gonna give it up if she felt like giving it up, so mind your business and break north if you don’t want to watch her exercise her freedom of choice and mess with The Kid. PAYCE! :D

Anyway…

I’ve been so tired of this for SO LONG that I felt like writing about it. If you can’t handle your alcohol, don’t drink. Period. It’s your friends’ responsibility to tell you how you’re acting, but NOT to bail you out of situations you create for yourself. If you feel like if you drink and go out on the town, you’re gonna cheat on your boyfriend/girlfriend, either DON’T DRINK or DON’T GO OUTSIDE or live with the fact that you have FREE WILL just like everyone else and are going to do WHAT you want to do WHEN you want to do it regardless of whom you told other people that you really are and especially regardless of whom you told YOURSELF that you are.

DatingGenius

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