As a follow-up to my 2008 post “Women’s Guide to NYC Dating”, I’d like to offer the ladies some of my top tips for those of y’all that are currently involved in the dating scene:

* Continued from Part 03 *

8. Common Decency goes a long way

Here in NYC, we’re packed together too tightly. Subway cars, elevators, bars, even walking down the street, you pass too many people to say “Hi” or “Good Morning” to everyone on your way to work.

Because of this, guys & gals get used to not acknowledging people that are in their immediate area. It’s kind of an unspoken agreement that we’re all going to ‘ignore’ each other in the interest of not going crazy by constantly going “GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING” as we can pass by 5 people in a single second on a busy street in NYC.

This is a good defense mechanism, but some people take it way too far. You have to know when to turn it on and off and display some COMMON DECENCY in social situations. This is a very simple & effective, yet rarely-utilized tactic for women to differentiate themselves from the crowd.

For instance.. When you’re out to dinner and the busboy or runner or whatever refills your glass with water, you *SHOULD* say “Thank You”. I know he’s making minimum wage. I know his JOB is to refill your water. I know it’s a service that comes along with the tip you’re going to pay at the end of the meal. So What? \o/ He’s still a person and he’s still performing a service for you, so you *SHOULD* acknowledge that graciously. With the number of women that let this slide like it ain’t no thang, showing common decency to someone you don’t HAVE TO show decency to is an “AHA” moment for guys and might move you up the rankings in the roster.

Similarly, when you’re entering or exiting an establishment and someone holds the door for you, you *SHOULD* acknowledge them and indicate in some fashion that you appreciate the favor they just did for you. Roll through the door like you DESERVED for this guy to hold it open for you and you go right in the trash. Garbage. This is what I mean about knowing when to turn it on and off. People aren’t doing anything for you by crossing your path in the street, so there’s no need to say “Hi” to them. When people actually DO things for you, it’s in your best interest to speak the **** up and let them know you noticed what they did if you expect them to be happy about doing things for you in the future.

8a. Complications & Agendas

Unfortunately, part of the problem with women acknowledging courteous gestures by NYC men is that lots of times, guys try to use that common courtesy that they *SHOULD* have performed for her as a way to start up a rap and get her number or whatever.

Enough instances of this and gals are going to find it easier to never speak and avoid all come-ons instead of speaking and taking their chances as far as whether they’re gonna have to listen to some guy explain why she should hook up with him later today.

I’ve noticed that this has developed into a delayed reaction for a lot of seasoned New York women. If you ask them a legitimate question on the street, like “Excuse me.. Do you know which way a store is that sells beer around here?”, you have to wait for them to mentally process what you said. Until they figure it out, they’ll look like they ignored you completely and then they get this “Oh.. It’s ok to respond to what he said” jolt and then they tell you what you need to know or say that they’re sorry but they have no idea. That’s perfectly respectable because I totally understand why they need to appear standoffish in this environment.

Another serious problem here is that everybody has an agenda. This is what leads to the treatments (plots) for a lot of recent music videos because guys know damned well how easy it is to get girls to shake their asses and get busy in the back seats of SUVs if you look like you have a lot of money that you might spend on them. Doesn’t matter if you’re ugly. Doesn’t matter if you’re fat… So long as you appear to be RICH!

Money talks and ******** walks.

Guys know this because there are quite a few gals here that will breeze right by you at a party if they don’t perceive you to have anything that can advance their agenda for them. You don’t look rich? No light. You can’t help them get publicity for the book they’re about to release? No light. You aren’t socializing with someone they’d like to use you to get to know? No light.

This is why I like to play myself down as much as possible. I really enjoy meeting chicks as-is so I can feel their IRL reaction to me when they think I can’t do anything for them. If she’s not cool at that point, she doesn’t deserve any further consideration, socially OR business-wise.

Guys like to dangle opportunities in women’s faces in order to lure them into dates, but when you do that, you get what you get, which is normally hookers and opportunists. If those are your types of women, knock yourselves out. Have Fun!!! :D I’d rather see if she naturally acts cool towards a “nobody” and then if we become friends on that level, she can have whatever she likes afterwards.

The point being, ladies.. By displaying some common decency & courtesy, you can leapfrog the ranks of a lot of women that are better-looking than you are and a lot of women that are more sexual than you are and catch the eye of a guy that’s looking for more from a chick than to use her and lose her.

9. Keep dudes’ business out tha street

Discretion is PARAMOUNT!

Discreet (Webster’s): 1 : having or showing discernment or good judgment in conduct and especially in speech : prudent; especially : capable of preserving prudent silence.

Capable. Of. Preserving. Prudent. Silence… = The ability to STFU! :D

There’s nothing that’ll get you pumped & dumped or hit & quit faster than you running your mouth about a dude’s personal business. If a guy wanted the universe to know what a FREAK-BODY he is, he would have made a blog about it and disseminated that information himself.

There are two reasons why you want to keep your dealings with a guy private. #1 is for your own enjoyment. As soon as a guy realizes you’re leaking information, he’s going to revert to only doing things with you that he’s willing to have you publicize. This means that all that kinky, fun stuff you were PREVIOUSLY going to experience goes out the window. Too Bad.. So Sad.

#2 is because eventually, you’re going to get dumped for insubordination. At some point in any relationship, one person’s going to do something in front of the other person that they Just. Don’t. Want. Anybody. To Know About. :D It could be a good thing or a bad thing.. Doesn’t matter. What DOES matter is that they feel like they can trust you to keep their business a secret.

Personally, I feel discretion’s more important than fidelity.

I feel way more comfortable around a gal that messes with several guys simultaneously and keeps it all under the hat than I feel around a gal that has one boyfriend and blows his business up all over the blogosphere.

If y’all don’t think that your blabbermouth reputation precedes you, you’re entirely wrong. Guys know about this before they decide to hook up with you because either they Googled you right after they met you (or Googling you was THE REASON they decided to make your acquaintance), or as soon as they talked to their boys and said “Yo.. I just met this chick named _____ _____! :D”, their friends let them know what time it was as far as your known dating history, thanks to the copious amounts of information you supplied to the public.

This actually brings up a third reason you might want to STFU, which is that there are guys that will seek you out and use you for publicity and not even sex.

haha I don’t know which one is worse.. When a woman knows a guy used her for sex or when she knows he didn’t even want her for THAT, but just so his name could be in the tabloids and he could try to become internet famous. :D

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According to Webster’s, one of the definitions of “Classy” is “Having or reflecting high standards of personal behavior”. Of course, that has to be measured subjectively, by the individual that’s judging for themselves what’s classy and what isn’t. If you take “society’s standards” as a point of reference, there are areas where I exhibit class and areas where I don’t.

I was walking down the street with a friend of mine one sunny afternoon as we were enjoying the day together. We had just come from the museum and were heading to one of my favorite places to eat and after that we were going to head to the movies. I was running my mouth about something and I noticed that there was a lady pushing an older lady in a wheelchair and she was attempting to enter a store, having understandable difficulty with the door.

Instinctively, and probably in mid-sentence, I hustled over and grabbed the door so the woman could easily push the other lady inside. They both smiled and thanked me and I smiled and said “You’re Welcome”. A few seconds later, my friend caught up, and I continued whatever I was talking about at the time.

She was smiling and says to me something like “That was really nice of you”.. To which, I replied “What was?”. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about and started scanning my story for something in it that she might have been referring to.

When she told me she was talking about my helping the ladies enter the store, she was actually REMINDING ME that I helped the ladies enter the store. I had completely forgotten about it within seconds. That’s because I was acting instinctively and doing what I felt NEEDED to be done at that point in time. They were having trouble entering. I was trivially running my mouth. I was ABLE to help them and I hustled over to do that. Doing anything else would have been WRONG, to me. Watching them struggle to get inside and walking by with my companion like as if I didn’t see that they needed help would have been WRONG, to me. All I did was what I was SUPPOSED to do, IMO, so as quickly as it occurred to me, it was forgotten by me just as easily as I had forgotten whether I had stepped first with my left or right foot when I stepped off the curb to cross the street.

The funny thing is that it actually WAS automatic. Yes, it would have been a good gimmick to help someone in front of a chick to make her feel like you’re a great guy, huh but that’s not why I did it. I also didn’t do it to avoid looking like a chump. A lot of people do stuff that’s outside of their character because they know what’s Politically Correct at this point in time. They don’t do things because they WANT TO or because they actually FEEL they should be done, but rather in order to avoid public scrutiny or becoming a pariah on the back-channel.

Some things are automatic to people, such as making sure that a woman you’re spending time with gets inside her apartment building safely after spending time with you. Again, it’s not a gimmick. :D It’s not the old “Let me walk you home to make sure you get there safely…. OH… I need to use the bathroom” trick to get inside your house. :) If I wanted to make out with you, I would just do it wherever we are. There’s no need for me to be in your apartment. There IS a need, for me, to feel like as I’M heading home without incident, SHE got home without incident before I did.

That’s not to say I’m a nice guy. :D Everybody that knows me knows that I play by my own rules, especially when it comes to chicks. I am absolutely NOT to be trusted around chicks. I know it. Everybody else that knows me knows it. Women I meet for the first time in life can feel it. I’m addicted to women. I’m chasing a high. If being around her makes me high, it’s *ON* and ALL. BETS. ARE. OFF.

So, how do we measure class? How do we determine if someone is classy when they exhibit both chivalrous and treacherous behavior within seconds of each other?

Perhaps it comes down to a list of pros and cons? The greater good? The most good to the most people? More instances of chivalry than treachery?

When I was growing up, I was a bully. Yes, I was usually the smallest guy in a group, but I was always one of the best at sports and definitely one of the fastest thinkers and most caustic, abrasive ‘snappers’ (contests between people to attempt to say things to make yourself seem superior to others or make others feel inferior to you or just make them feel poorly in general). I’ve also always had a crew, ever since I can remember, back in Kindergarten. I’ve always had lots of friends and followers. I’ve had a lot of haters as well, which were well deserved back in the day, because I used to play for keeps if someone tried to dis me. Especially if I felt your verbal attack was unwarranted, I would talk about you all day, every day, until you decided that you weren’t going to challenge me EVAR AGAIN! It just wasn’t worth it.

Eventually, my belief system changed up. My first reaction was to blame myself for being a jerk. :) I did this for who knows how many years and then I settled in the feeling that you can be as conceited as you want, so long as you don’t push your conceit on others. “I am GREAT!” doesn’t have to be accompanied by “You are WACK!”. They’re actually two entirely different sentiments and one can be expressed without the other. The trick isn’t in attempting to change how you personally feel, but rather in how you express yourself to others and mind their feelings when you interact with them.

Some people would consider this Class, and others would not. Some people feel that classy behavior is only to be found in people that are always nice to everyone and always PC and always exhibit traits that they personally consider to be classy. That’s all well & good. You can’t please everyone. This will be apparent in your Facebook Friends Count and your feed subscription stats.

It’s actually kind of funny that the first thing that occurs to me when I’m considering people disliking something I say or do in terms of online subscriptions! :D Anywayyyy…..

The way I feel about it, there’s no reason not to be cordial towards people. It’s like my man Swayze said in Road House… “Be Nice… Until it’s time to NOT BE NICE”! :D If you don’t have a bellhop’s outfit on, they’re supposed to smile at you and acknowledge you or say “Thank you”. Just in case you end up doing something nice for a jerk who doesn’t recognize that and acts like they DESERVE for you to hold the door for them, make sure you remember to say “That’s alright.. My dog doesn’t speak either.”

~ Bill Cammack | @BillCammack

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