A reader recently asked me something I’ve never thought about before.

She asked me if my opinions in “Why You Got Dumped After Sex” also applied to lesser formats of hooking up, like making out, hummers, etc…

Actually…

I’m not going to be able to answer this in a general fashion… My relationships with women work way differently than the average Joe, so I can’t really imagine what it’s like to be a regular dude.

To me, making out is an expression of love and/or attraction. If a gal inspires me to make out with her, either because I feel close to her in that way or she’s physically turning me on and making me feel like hooking up with her, I’m gonna kiss her.

From my point of view, kissing doesn’t have anything to do with commitment at all. In fact, my record for a simultaneous makeout is three chicks and me. That was back when I was a teenager.

I don’t personally have any problems getting women to want to kiss me, so I can’t possibly relate making out to commitment.

Thinking about it that way, I would say that nothing in my other article applies at all to making out or foreplay.

Generally, what I was saying there was that if guys think they can still get some from a gal, they’re likely to hang in there and see what happens. Once they hit it, if they feel like they’ve put in too much effort to get there and don’t feel like doing all that again, they might bounce. They also might bounce if they didn’t like the sex or if they lose interest in a gal as soon as she lets him in.

I don’t think that applies to making out because that’s still on the way TO the nitty-gritty. It’s not like a guy says “Whew! I finally made out with her!” and isn’t thinking about taking it to the next levels ASAP. I can’t see a guy dumping a gal after making out with her unless he didn’t enjoy kissing her or he gained access to (in his opinion) a better gal shortly after messing with this one.

Hypothetically…

From the other side of the coin.. I can imagine that there are guys that aren’t used to women being attracted to them. I mean, I *KNOW* there are a lot of guys that aren’t used to that, but I’m only speculating about how they feel in trying to write from their perspective.

I would imagine that if it wasn’t a typical occurrence for a guy to hook up with a random chick he’s never met before in life, that making out would be some kind of Earth-Shattering event for him. I could see someone like that saying “We kissed each other, so that means we’re in / starting / on our way to a relationship with each other”.

If that’s the case, then his starting to kiss her would indicate the beginning of something and his stopping would indicate the end of it. This seems to be what the writer was getting at. Something to the effect of that he kissed her and then let it go for a month or so and then the next time they saw each other, they were back at it again.

All I can say about that is that for guys that are voraciously into chicks, it’s a 24/7 issue. If he’s not scheming on you, he’s scheming on (or hooking up with) some other chick.

This is one of the reasons why in a town where there are way more women than men, the concept of playing hard to get doesn’t go over so well. It takes much less time and effort for us to meet a different gal that already wants to hook up with us than to wait for you to stop bullshitting.

If you ever come around, that’s fine, and if you don’t, that’s fine too, because your homegirl expressed her interest when you excused yourself to the bathroom.

So, if a guy’s not immediately back trying to get at you, he’s either busy working or he has other chicks on the roster and your turn hasn’t come back around yet.

Guys also work off of path of least resistance. Unless there’s something extraordinarily different about you (which there normally isn’t), whatever problems you give him about hooking up that the next gal doesn’t give him, you’re short.

• If he has to talk you into it every time and the next gal’s automatically DTF, you’re short.
• If he has to wait for you to get drunk every time and she’s with it when she’s sober, you’re short.
• If he has to convince you to look good when y’all hang out and she naturally hooks herself up, you’re short.
• If you live in a different borough and she lives in the same borough, you’re short.
• If you’re always wasting his money and she’s down to have hot dogs & french fries with him, you’re short.

So.. Unless you made some sort of smashing impression with him, it’s not worth reading a lot into whether he hooked up with you again sooner rather than later.

Relationships & Recreation

Also.. It doesn’t matter whether *YOU* think you made a smashing impression with him.. It matters if HE thinks so. :D

I can’t imagine how many times a chick has told me that she and some other dude had “Great Sex” and I was thinking “um… How do you know THAT? :D” but I didn’t say anything so she could keep feeling grand about herself.

In general.. Without being able to speak for the average Joe, I would suggest that women not place too much value on the fact that a guy made out with you. I most certainly wouldn’t recommend that y’all think you’re in a relationship or have some kind of commitment from him because of it.

Making Out is all part of the basic, primal, human/animal interaction.. It’s foreplay, like feeling up, finger-popping, etc. \o/ It’s fun and it’s sexy, but it’s no big deal.

Is it an indication that he might be thinking about becoming exclusively involved with you? Sure.

Does it mean anything if he kisses you and doesn’t call you for the next two weeks? Nope. :D

He’s either busy and thinking about you or busy and not thinking about you. All you can really do is consider what the next gal’s doing to attract his attention and put your best foot forward during the time you have with him so he might call you instead of her next time he’s in the mood for some female company.

Make no mistake.. I’m not saying you should go outside of your personal comfort zone and do something you don’t feel like doing in order to try to bag a guy. That never works. Do whatever YOU feel like doing with him and veto whatever you don’t feel like doing… He’ll call you or he won’t. He’ll hook up with you again or he won’t. Either way, your life’s going to continue to be GRAND and when there’s a dude that feels like he can’t afford to lose you to the next man, he’s going to pay that consistent amount of attention to you that makes you aware that he might consider you a relationship as opposed to sexy recreation.
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This post is a response to reader “fishingrod”‘s recent comments:

fishingrod: Hi Bill,

I guess it is easier to keep in mind why guys do what they do when this whole “wanting to get laid” thing is part of your own agenda.

Hey Fishingrod. :D

“Wanting to get laid” isn’t part of the agenda. Wanting to get laid is *THE* agenda.

Of course this isn’t true for all guys, and it’s not why ALL guys get into relationships.

My point in bringing this up over and over is that exactly what you’re saying is what keeps women from understanding what happened to them in a lot of situations. I don’t know *ANYBODY* that has ANY choice in the matter whatsoever who’s dating a chick that he doesn’t find physically attractive.

I don’t know ANYBODY that has deliberately kicked it to (introduced themselves to with the intent of beginning dating) a chick where he said “Damn… That chick is REALLY UNATTRACTIVE… I’ve GOT to meet her!”.

Granted, you have guys that don’t have any visual taste in women, so they end up dating chicks that *YOU* think are ugly, haha but that doesn’t mean that THEY aren’t attracted to her. Also, they might be attracted to her body and are letting her grill slide, because they like having sex with her. In that case, while they themselves would call their girlfriend “ugly”, they’re cool with that. Then you have the guys that got into a relationship and then their chick sat around with the remote control and the bon bons until she no longer looked the way she did when he was initially attracted to her. Now, these guys are looking for ways to avoid having sex with their ‘busted’ girlfriends.

Obviously, there are myriad permutations, however, it’s a high-percentage chance in the currently-active dating game that the basic, underlying reason that a guy is talking to a gal is because he’s physically attracted to her and wants to have some format of sex with her…. Actually, let me roll that back and just say generally that he finds something STIMULATING or AROUSING about her, which is his impetus for meeting her in the first place.

So let’s try to make it really simple. Stimulus & Response. Because women don’t “get” what men’s stimulus is, y’all misunderstand men’s responses. A guy asks you what time it is and you think he wants to know what time it is. A guy asks you to dance, and you think he just wants to dance with you. A guy asks you out and you think he just wants company for a meal. A guy sends you a bootie-call text at 3am and you think he’s lonely. A guy has sex with you and you think you’re on your way to a relationship with him. A guy tells you he hates you and you think he won’t have sex with you right after that. A guy has a girlfriend or wife and you think he’s not going to try to hook up with you. A guy hires you as a secretary, and you think it’s because you can type, when that out-of-shape, ugly chick types *TWICE* as fast as you do and you look good in a miniskirt.

So.. “Wanting to get laid”, or, to simplify, STIMULUS *IS* The Agenda.

For example, I like to eat a boiled egg in the morning. And I usually have it with toast and jam. My husband likes it with salt, and sometimes I remember to put the salt on the table, but more often than not I forget it because I don’t need salt on my egg.

ok.. Let’s roll with this…

breakfast[fishingrod] = boiled egg + toast + jam
breakfast[MRfishingrod] = boiled egg + salt

So this appears to be different, and on the surface, it is. You don’t bring the salt because it doesn’t occur to you. However, the rest of it DOES occur to you, because breakfast[either] = boiled egg. If you remove the difference in “dressing”, both of you enjoy a boiled egg in the morning, so you can relate to that. Chunking up further, eggs or no eggs, both of you are eating breakfast. Even further, both of you are EATING. So why do you bother eating? First of all, because you would DIE otherwise, but second of all, because you felt like eating, which is a RESPONSE to STIMULUS. You are potentially responding to HUNGER, because you just slept for several hours and haven’t eaten during that time. You are also potentially responding to routine or brainwashing which has made you the type of person to eat breakfast in the morning. Similarly, there are people who have been brainwashed to drink coffee in the morning and believe they can’t function without it. There are people who have been brainwashed to believe the need to smoke cigarettes to calm their nerves…

So toast & jam satisfies the craving that MRfishingrod gets and salt completes the craving that fishingrod gets while they are both accomplishing either “I ate breakfast this morning” or “I was hungry, so I ate”.

Women buy multiple pairs of shoes that look exactly the same for the exact same reaason. Stimulus and Response. Women see the shoes, like them, want to own them and break out the plastic. Women walk out of the store satisfied with their new shoes that they never saw before in life before they came across the shoe store window display while walking down the street.

[Many] Men get the exact same kick out of the sudden concept of having sex with a woman they’ve never seen before. This is why pornography and prostitution will *NEVAR* go out of style.. but that’s a different topic, entirely….

Same thing with getting laid. I realise that this is extremely important for guys, but I have no idea why. It is not important to me. I like sex, but sex as merely a physical pleasure has never interested me that much. If it is just that and nothing else, what do you need another person for?

There are guys that feel the same way. They’re completely disinterested in having sex. I understand that that’s not what you’re saying about yourself, :) but I think it’s important to note.

“Getting Laid” is actually a complex issue…

There are guys that enjoy it for the physicality of it… the arousal, plateau, peak, release (APPR) of it. There are guys that enjoy the conquest of it (bagged another chick, another notch on the belt). There are guys that use getting laid as confirmation that “they’ve still got it” as far as pulling chicks.

There are guys that use it to boost their self-esteem. Guys that are addicted to the high of being “in the game”. Guys that don’t give a damn what women have to say and don’t see any value in them other than sexual value. Guys that are just plain turned on by attractive women and want to express themselves to them.

There are guys that are bored and can’t afford other formats of recreation, but can pull chicks for free. Guys that have sex with chicks just so they can tell interesting stories to their boys the next time they hang out. Guys that want to have kids that look better than they do so they attempt to impregnate attractive girls. Guys that are polyamorous and honestly don’t end one relationship with a chick before starting a new one with another one…

So, there’s really not ONE reason WHY getting laid is important to guys, because there are so many aspects to the situation that a guy might get something out of.

Basically, the reason this question is tough for me to answer is because it’s so… basic. :D It’s so ingrained. The reason why some people enjoy hooking up with people they’ve never seen before is the same reason why people do just about ANYTHING. Why do people play baseball? Why do people go fishing? Why do people get college degrees and then try to make money in the stock market? Why do people visit New York City or Paris? It’s an urge. It’s a desire. You feel it or you don’t.

If you’re the type of person that feels that urge, it’s obvious. It’s as clear as Hunger or Thirst or Cold or Anger or Fear. It’s practically tangible, and it makes all the difference in the world. The same way you know that you want to eat, someone else knows they want to have sex with this person they just saw right now for the first time in life. It’s primal. It’s instinct. I’m finding it extremely difficult to access the “Why?” behind such a core issue. You’re asking me to explain why people smile when they like something or laugh when they’re tickled. I can’t explain it, I just know it happens.

Having said that, I think it also comes down to one’s life experiences. I’ve had girls coming on to me since my first recorded memory. I’ve never had a reason to be in a relationship with a chick (though I HAVE been in relationships) in order for the two of us to enjoy ourselves the way we want to. Women being easily & quickly available has a pretty devastating psychological effect. How many boiled eggs are you committed to? That’s right. None. You have a different boiled egg every morning and you still experience “breakfast” with it. Capisce? ;)

I think it’s something you become accustomed to. If your life experience is that you only have sex with people you’re in a relationship with, I guess that’s going to influence your future decisions. If your life experience is that you only have sex with people you care about and who care about you, it might not make sense to you to mess around outside of those circumstances.

Meanwhile, if your life experience is that you have sex with people you’ve mainly never seen before and usually never see again after a period of a few months (or less), I would assume one becomes accustomed to the fact that there wasn’t any time to figure out whether these people liked you or not before you got down to the nitty-gritty. What they’re thinking becomes completely irrelevant and has nothing to do with your APPR pattern. The only thing left is whether you want them and they want you.

I’m not saying that this is a GOOD thing, but rather that thoughts like “Does she like me as a person?”, “Does she love me?”, etc never occur because they have no value other than as potential accelerants. When you live in an environment for long enough, certain things cease to matter and you probably don’t even realize that they’re gone. It’s kind of like how you send people to war and tell them to kill people and then when they survive their tour of duty, you tell them to NOT KILL PEOPLE when they come back home. The answer to the question “Does she love you?” is “Dunno. Doubt it. I’mma hit it though”. Peripheral issues like that aren’t even a fleeting consideration.

Sex as just a physical pleasure is no more exciting than a good meal.
And eating is something that I can do on my own, if you know what I’m saying…..

hahaha That’s exactly why a lot of chicks in this town substitute food for sex. :D

As far as your question about “What do you need another person for?”, you’re absolutely right. This is why porno and prostitution will always be big business. Guys (& Gals) can hit their APPR cycle without involving anyone else at all.

That’s all well and good, assuming that the kick for the people in question is their own stimulation and completion as opposed to stimulating and completing someone else. Some people are doERS and some people are doEES. If you’re a doER, you might just need to have SOMEBODY to drive over the edge in order to feel like you’re having a good time.

That doesn’t mean you have to like them as a person or be in some sort of relationship to them. It just means that whomever you perceive them to be at this point in time, physically (or, in some cases, mentally) interacting with them floats your boat and drives you through your cycle. Also, as I listed above, depending on what a person’s REAL focus is for having sex in the first place, someone else might be necessary, regardless. To some people, this equates to ‘using people for sex’. To others, it’s life as usual.

So this is the reason that I sometimes forget why guys do what they do. That they pretend and lie and deceive and invent alter egos and what not just to get something that means so little to me. All the energy spent for just that?

And that, I believe, is a critical component to women getting consistently blindsided. Women think that if they don’t MAKE themselves attractive, they’re not attractive. They ask “Why did he kick it to me when I was wearing sweats… and my hair wasn’t done… and I wasn’t wearing my makeup?” It’s because HE wanted something from you in your current state. There was something attractive about you in his opinion, OR he’s just one of those guys that kicks it to any chick he sees. Women ask “Why did he press up on me? I didn’t give him an indication that I was physically interested in him!”. Nobody cares what you indicate. They care how THEY feel and what THEY want.

The ability to look across the chasm and imagine yourself as Goliath instead of David is entirely invaluable if your goal is to figure out what the other team is doing or thinking. The ability to cease projecting YOUR interests and values on someone else is what allows you to open your mind and potentially see reality instead of your own private version of what’s happening.

I’m sure you have MORE questions now than you had before you read this hahaha.. too bad, so sad. :) The feeling “I want to have sex with this person” occurs to some people entirely independently of “I want to spend time with this person” or “I want to get to know this person”. It’s CERTAINLY completely independent of “I love this person” or “I’m in love with this person”. Another issue is whether some people ever feel sexual desire towards anyone AT ALL in their entire lives. Lots of people have sex that they’re not actually turned on by. They do it because other people like it or they think it’ll make other people like THEM or to try to save their relationship or for lots of other reasons having nothing to do with their personal APPR.

Ultiimately, this has been an excellent exercise, but it’s extremely difficult to explain an urge for desire fulfillment to people who aren’t familiar with how that particular urge feels. I think people’s upbringing and life experiences make them more sexually compatible with some people and less so with others. I can tell you this much.. If you ever DO experience that primal urge, then you’ll understand EXACTLY what I haven’t been able to tell you! ;)

~Bill

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If you go out with the same chick for more than one week, the odds begin to increase exponentially that she’ll want to have a kid with you.

Biologically, that’s how women are built. If you consistently hang around them, they start to see you as a viable protector/provider for your pending family.

Meanwhile, the guy’s just happy to have a cute chick to look at and to ‘get on’ whenever he feels like it.

Sooner or later, she’s going to start testing you with questions about the future. SOONER is the time to act, rather than later, once you realize what’s going on. If that whole “family thing” wasn’t in your playbook, and you don’t want to break up with her ASAP and start over with a different chick that doesn’t like you as much (meaning you have more time until “the kid thing” rolls around again), there’s only ONE thing to do…..

…

Buy her a dog. :D

That’s right friends, BUY HER A DOG!!! :D Works every time.

Besides shoes, there are a few things that women *LOVE*. You’ve probably noticed this already in your own relationship. Women love:
A) Attention
B) Feeling like someone needs them
C) Telling people what to do

Once she gets used to fulfilling these three things through YOU, she starts thinking about the next level. Actually… This is why she wants to have a kid with you in the first place… You paid her too much attention, you let her feel like you needed her, and you acted like you were listening when she told you what to do.

So now, she’s asking these LTR / family-oriented questions and you’re like “How the hell did she come up with all this ‘relationship’ stuff? :/” … That’s right… She made it up on her own, with zero prompting or indication from you that you were doing anything but enjoying your time with her.

Lots of guys’ reaction to this is to start acting strange, have WAAAAAAY less sex with this girl in case of an unfortunate mishap, and break up with her as soon as possible for *ANY* reason they can figure out other than “um… I’m not trying to have a kid with you… PEACE! :D”. If you don’t want to go that route, yet have ZERO intentions of having a kid with her… Buy. Her. A. Dog!

You will notice how in society today, women treat dogs like babies.
They carry them around in bags… Yes, women carry babies in bags. You’ve seen those reversed-backpack things they walk around with the kid in.
They keep them on leashes… Yes, women have kids on leashes… go to the mall and check. Extendable too, just like regular dog leashes, except it doesn’t go around the kid’s neck.
They feed them.
They get attention from them.
They tell them what to do.
They feel like the dog needs them. [Interestingly enough, this is a function of the fact that they FEED the dog. The dog needs FOOD, not HER. However, it still fulfills the necessary emotional requirements to deflect her from stopping taking the pill or poking holes in your condom collection that you left in her crib.]
They take the dogs into stores to shop.
They take dogs with them to outdoor cafes and eat lunch together.
They kiss their dogs.
They sleep with their dogs.
Etc, Etc, Etc……

Besides the myriad identical substitution features, she gets to feel like you and she “have something together”. This has the same relationship-maintaining qualities as buying her an engagement ring to deflect her from asking you about getting married, but that’s a different topic. :D She thinks that “buying a dog together” is an indication of commitment / relationship, so roll with it. Meanwhile, as far as I know, dog food costs less than diapers, and if the two of you end up breaking up, you don’t have to pay child support or pay for the dog to go to college.

The other obvious benefit to buying your girlfriend a dog is you don’t have to spin the wheel of fortune wondering what her body’s going to look like after 9 months of stretching and more eating than she *normally* does. Speaking of which… Did you notice how maternity-wear came into style RIGHT AFTER media attention came to how girls were walking around in the streets with “Muffin-Tops”? That would be the amount of flab that hangs out over their belts when they wear jeans that are too small for them and shirts that aren’t long enough to cover that up. Somebody was really smart to start selling pregnancy clothing to girls that aren’t even pregnant. :D

So, yes. Buy her a dog. You get all the same features as a kid (well, minus eventual language ability) with less current expense and ZERO exit expenses like child support or alimony. You maintain your relationship and don’t have to dump an otherwise perfectly good chick. You maintain her figure and therefore your impetus to get physical with her… which was the whole point of having her around in the first place! :D

DatingGenius

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Reader Derek writes:

Bill,

I just saw part of the movie “I think I love my Wife.” I’ve always like Chris Rock ’cause the man just tells the truth about stuff, the movie was right on the cusp of what breaks up marriages.

Kerry Washington’s character kept after Chris’s character, even though she knew he was married (and of course HE knew it also). I can understand the sexual attraction, but no fling is above any marriage. She just wanted to be a friend, but friends like that are deadly to a marriage – regardless of the platonic nature.

The grass is greener, but whose to say that green ain’t astroturf…

What’s the dating genius [ DG (tm) ] have to say about this situation?

It all depends on who you are.

If you can be friends with a chick without tapping it… feel free to hang out with her as much as you want.

… however… what’s the point of THAT? :D

It all comes down to willpower. Marriage is a decision… A choice to make a public statement to people that you’re with this chick, and she’s with you. That’s why chicks take guys’ last names in marriage… It’s like those shirts that say “PROPERTY OF The New York Yankees”. People need to know “whose chick that is”.

Many people fail to calculate that by choosing one female, you’re un-choosing all the rest of the females on this planet during the rest of your lifetime. You have to have CHARACTER to stand up to a committment like that. As you can see from the cheating and divorce statistics, there are a ton of people with ZERO CHARACTER.

Married Life <> Life Over. It’s a change in the game. Instead of focusing on whatever chick’s currently within arm’s reach of you, you focus on ONE chick that you determined deserves your time and energy.

I haven’t seen the clips from the movie, but what sense does it make to go bowling with some chick you’re not having sex with when you could go bowling with YOUR WIFE?

DatingGenius

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