Over the last couple of weeks, no fewer than three of my homegirls (and probably more that I’m not aware of) have dumped a guy because of his personality.

I’m always amused by these stories because I like to consider the reverse situation and whether I’d stop kickin’ it with a chick for the same reasons.

Why You Got Dumped

I mean, I’ve joked before that I wouldn’t date a chick that doesn’t use a Mac, but I wasn’t talking about FOYINE chicks. If she was just aiiite-looking, she most definitely might could get dumped for showing up with a PC laptop. :D

However, for the most part, removing girls from the roster because of personality flaws is almost unheard-of. Like Spike Lee said in “She’s Gotta Have It”: “You don’t throw away a Rolls Royce because it has a dent in it”.

Off the bat.. At least, here, in NYC.. You expect chicks to come fresh out the box with somewhere between a little and a lot of KRAY-ZAY in them. The best you can do is date through references from friends you already know and trust to tell you the real deal on the new gal.

The question isn’t whether she’s crazy or not, but rather HOW crazy she is and whether you can handle that much KRAY-ZAY in your life or whether you’re WILLING to. If you restricted your interactions to only women you thought were perfectly sane… well, that’s just not a good idea. I don’t even want to think about that kind of lonely existence. :D

So it’s amusing/funny to me when guys will be bringing, say, 75% of what a woman’s looking for in a relationship and then one personality kink ends up being the last straw that makes her unable to date him.

I’m more from the Voltron school of dating.

Instead of trying to get 100% out of one chick, you kick it with several women that bring different qualities to the table so when you combine your experiences with them, you end up with one great girlfriend… and simultaneously, no girlfriend at all. >:D

The concept of ditching a 75% chick over a personality flaw doesn’t register to me because I’m thinking “I only have 25% more to go for VOLTRON! :D”

Of course I realize they’re not trying to do this and are in fact trying to put all their eggs in one basket, so that basket needs to be EXACTLY what they want or they feel like bailing out and looking for a better basket.

A lot of guys do the same thing.. The ones that are looking for relationships and wives and whatnot. If they meet a gal at the club, it’s cool. If they meet a gal drunk off her ass, basically lap-dancing some dude over in the corner, it’s NOT cool. :)

I’m sure some guys have dumped gals like “Yo… Can you BELIEVE she’s a….. REPUBLICAN??? :/”

I personally can’t see myself giving a flying **** what a gal I’m physically attracted to thinks about politics or who she voted for. Most likely, I’m only pretending to listen to her anyway, so I imagine her political opinions becoming an issue for me.

Depending on how close I am to getting on, I might even tell her I *AGREE* with her! :D haha Business. Is. Business. >:D

Emotional Issues

Another problem to look out for is that women’s emotions can block them from feeling like hooking up with you. Neva Dat, Sunn.. Neva Dat!.. This is to be avoided at all costs. I realize that this doesn’t make any logical sense. It’s not like guys go “Can. You. Believe. She didn’t take out the trash??? Now I don’t feel like tappin’ that azz! :(“….

hmm… That’s kinda catchy! :D

“If you don’t take out the trash
Then she won’t give up the ass”

That’s pretty good! That’s kind of like “No Justice?.. No Peace!” haha I should be a speechwriter for Women’s Lib or something! :D

Anywayyyy… Let this be a lesson to you, fellaz… Women actually LISTEN to what you’re saying and they actually CARE ABOUT IT, too! Instead of taking your chances at saying the wrong thing, you’re way better off saying nothing at all.

If you’re not SURE she’s not from Utah, don’t crack any polygamy jokes.
Don’t compliment your Asian homegirl on her Chinese outfit because she might be Korean.

D-OH!   >_<

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I’ve been suffering recently from listening to some incredibly short-sighted views about WHY women get dumped right after they give it up. This phenomenon is known as “hit it and quit it” or “pump it and dump it”.

Women try to avoid this situation to the best of their abilities. Unfortunately, their abilities are practically ZERO, because they don’t understand WHY they got dumped.


The popular belief is a time-based cause & effect. Because she gave it up too soon, she got dumped. The problem with this line of “reasoning” is that women play hard to get and stall guys to the point where they feel they’ve outlasted the “she gave it up quick, she’s a slut” stigma, then fiiiiiiiinally have sex with the guy and he vanishes into thin air.

What’s your excuse now? :D You didn’t give it up quick. It wasn’t EASY for him to get on. You made him take you out over and over and introduce you to his friends and/or family. You made him buy you stuff and tell you that he loves you and that you’re in a committed relationship together. You did everything you were supposed to do, and as soon as you gave him some, *BAMF*, you never hear from him again. hahaha Ah Well… C’est La Vie. Que Cera, Cera. Easy Come, Easy Go haha no pun intended. :D

So let’s look at some of the reasons you got dumped right after having sex with your so-called boyfriend.

1) If it walks like a duck…

Let’s look at the basic situation that women have based their ENTIRE countermeasure strategy on… She meets a guy in a bar, likes him mentally, likes him physically, she’s thinking about hooking up with this guy RIGHT. NOW…. so she goes ahead and does it. He tells her he’ll call her and never does.

This situation is written off as “she gave it up too soon”. First of all, there’s no such thing as “too soon”. If you feel like messing with the guy, STOP %(@*&%^ FRONTING and do what you want to do. The actual issue here is that you hooked up with him with ZERO QUALIFICATIONS. He hasn’t proven to you that he’s ANYBODY AT ALL, and you still hooked up with him. This is perceived as “she’ll hook up with anybody” or “she’s just a horny chick in general, so whomever happens to be there wins the grand prize”.

Now… Let’s take that same situation and add the chick stalling the guy for a couple of weeks before finally spreading her legs. What’s the difference? Nothing… If she didn’t qualify him during that time period. According to him, she STILL “doesn’t know him from Adam” and she STILL gave it up even though she tried to make herself look virtuous and “hard to get” by delaying having sex with him.

So basically, even though I feel the term “Slut” is grossly misused in American society, since it unfairly lumps together women who are CHOOSING to hook up with multiple guys via their own personal power with women that are just plain “easy”… you are perceived as a slut NOT because you gave it up quick… but because you hooked up with a guy that didn’t prove himself to you ahead of time.

How long does it take for him to prove himself? That depends on who he is. Obviously, by my 1,068 Facebook “friends”, I make friends quickly, if not immediately, and I maintain and cultivate my relationships on a daily basis. Other guys might take a few dates to demonstrate who they are to the degree that they feel that she knows enough about them to make an EDUCATED decision to hook up with him. Other guys might take weeks or months or years.

The point is that you want HIM to feel like YOU are making an EDUCATED decision to have sex with him. If you receive that education in why you should hook up with him within the first hour of meeting him at a house party or social function, that’s how long it took. You will NOT be penalized for acting on an educated decision. In fact, you will be CELEBRATED for being the type of woman that doesn’t PLAY GAMES instead of authentically expressing yourself when you’re truly feelin’ it.

So… The reason you come off as “a slut” isn’t because you gave it up QUICKLY, but because you gave it up to whom HE perceives as NOBODY, which means you’d also give it up to ANYBODY. This is why you can stall all you want… Hold off on giving him some until you receive a sign of the second coming, and he’ll STILL dump you right after he gets the only thing he was talking to you for in the first place.

2) Maybe it wasn’t all that.

Unfortunately, there’s an important difference between the way most women and most men experience sex… well, TWO if you include the ability to have multiple orgasms…

Women tend to feel like the sex was good as long as they got something emotionally out of it. That’s all well and good, but it has nothing to do with the physicality of the sex OR the experience of being with that particular woman. Everybody’s not compatible when it comes to hooking up. Some guys LOVE IT when chicks run their mouths during sex and emulate porno movie dialogue. Other guys are like “Could you STFU?”. Some guys are into “banging” or “screwing”. Other guys are into “making love”.

The point is, ladies… Just because *YOU* had a good time doesn’t mean that HE did. I mean, sure he got to do his thing, so that counts as a good time, but that doesn’t mean he wants to tap that evAr again in this lifetime. If that happens, you’re done. Period. Just about the worst thing that can happen to your rap is that a guy decides he doesn’t want to have sex with you again. You could be plum loco (crazy), a complete JERK, a jobless bum, have zero cooking skillz, dumb as a box of rocks… and a guy will keep kicking it to you as long as he enjoys the sex. If he finds out he doesn’t… “Hasta La Vista….. Baby!” :D

3) Who the hell are *YOU*, anyway?

Even worse than not qualifying HIM is not qualifying YOURSELF.

This is, by far, the DUMBEST part of the entire “I got dumped for giving it up too soon” theory. By believing that TIME is the important factor in your getting “pumped and dumped” or not, you spend your time stalling him instead of demonstrating your own value as a human being.

It. Is. Amazingly. Critical. That. You. Qualify. Yourself. To. Him. *BEFORE*. Hooking. Up. With. Him.

Why is this important?… Because if you don’t demonstrate to him what makes you personally unique, or a C.U.A.O., the only thing intriguing about you is what it’s like to have sex with you. I already mentioned what’s going to happen if he DIDN’T enjoy himself, but even if he DID, there’s the distinct possibility that he now feels like he’s experienced EVERYTHING that you have to offer him, becomes completely disinterested and “loses your number”.

Again, how long does it take to demonstrate this to someone? It depends on who you are. It might take you 5 minutes. It might take you several dates or weeks or months. However long/short the time period, the critical factor is “who he thinks you are” and the respect he’s gained for you or the interest he’s developed in you, above and beyond having sex with you.

This is why there are lots of women who have sex with guys relatively quickly and DON’T get dumped. They’ve demonstrated to their suitors that there’s much more to gain by remaining in contact with them and even potentially pursuing an LTR than there is by dumping them and moving on to the next chick.

Stop using GIMMICKS and improve yourself.

The problem with using gimmicks is that they’re quick fixes and don’t lead to any true, honest & LASTING self-improvement. Make yourself a BETTER HUMAN BEING, and you won’t have to use these corny tactics to try to CONVINCE a guy that you’re worth more than a lay. MAKE YOURSELF worth more than a lay and express/demonstrate to him that you actually ARE unique and worth spending time with, and you’ll have a much better chance of avoiding getting pumped & dumped.

On top of that, you’re diluting yourself with all these inauthentic maneuvers. The funny thing about all this is that in the attempt to appear aloof and “in demand”, you really come off as ‘cold’ and useless. You appear to be the type of person that calculates instead of expresses. That’s not sexy. Authentic attraction comes from the heart and is expressed freely. Even when one attempts to contain or regulate it, it still shines through via the intimacy of your physical contact or the way your eyes are smiling.

What you have to consider is… While you’re working so hard to intimate to him that you can take him or leave him….. WHO wants to STAY with a gal that “could take him or leave him”? Does that make sense? Unfortunately for you, your inauthentic way of interacting with him sets you up to get dumped, because even though he *HATES* it and knows women who are not only willing, but EAGER to express their authentic love for him, he’s willing to tolerate you until he gets what he wants….

….. And like that, poof. He’s gone….

~Bill

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In these jacked-up financial times, A LOT of men (and women) are losing their jobs. Check out this ridiculously long line of people trying to get PAID:

Now, it’s bad enough to lose your source of income AND your entire social set in one fell swoop. It’s even WORSE when your lady steps to the left because you’re not bringing home your portion of the rent…. Well…. It’s even *WORSE* if she makes *YOU* step to the left, like happened to Wesley in “Jungle Fever”, but we won’t think about that right now. :D

Having grown up in the ghetto… ok… Having grown up WITH people who lived in the ghetto, I’m well-versed in getting and KEEPING women on a low budget. Those of youse that have always pulled women with all your money, cars and houses might be S.O.L. without your gimmicks, so here are five things you can do to stay in position and keep your woman in pocket:

1) Back To The Old School

Remember that Slow Jam Tape that was guaranteed to get you on? The one you borrowed from your boy, and then it worked so sweetly that you told him you lost it so you wouldn’t have to give it back? Yeah, that one. Go find that joint, dust it off, transfer it to CD and get your game back together. If you can’t find it, just figure out what’s playing in heavy rotation on BET and play those cuts for your lady. Desperate Times call for Desperate Measures. You need to pull out all the stops. Convince yourself mentally that you’ve never tapped that before, and pull out all the stops, like you’re trying to get in for the first time! :D

2) Was that Over Easy or Scrambled?

You know what? If you’re not bringing in any funds, you need to make yourself useful, put down that Madden controller around midnight and hit the hay so you can wake up nice and early and cook your woman breakfast. You don’t know what she likes?… ASK HER!… You don’t know how to make that?… GOOGLE it! (or try Grace Piper’s Fearless Cooking) Breakfast. In. Bed, SUNNNNNNNN! That’s the way to do it. If she was thinking about kicking you out, that’s over now! :D

Don’t worry, you won’t have to wear an apron……….. unless that’s the way she LIKES IT! hahahaha :D

3) Get That Door For You, Ma’am?

That’s RIGHT, Jeeves! You got it. Your ass doesn’t have anywhere to go, so forget about waving goodbye from the couch… Get suited up, get the front door for her, walk her to the car, usher her into the back seat and CHAUFFEUR your benefactor to work. :D… Door-to-door service, SUNNNN. Make sure you keep that phone on vibrate so she can text you 45 minutes before she’s ready for you to go pick her up from work.

Bonus points for driving past the flower shop for some of her favorites before picking her up.

4) Did I say “No”?… I meant “Yes”. :(

Like I said… Desperate Times call for Desperate Measures! This is when your woman’s thinking she could get a DIFFERENT broke dude to chill with. She’s got to believe, in her heart and in her soul that THIS GUY is the one she should be with… for better or for worse! It’s IMPERATIVE that you prove your love to her! There’s only ONE way to do that!… Call up your local polygraph examiner and get him to come over the crib and hook you up for a LIE DETECTOR TEST! hahaha :D

Of course, SHE’LL have to pay for it, but, somehow… I think she’ll be willing to shell out the ducats to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing BUT the truth from you for ONCE in her entire life! :D Good Luck!!!

5) Do The Right Thing In The Bedroom

I know you’re going to be tired… from waking up early, learning how to cook, cooking breakfast, getting suited up, driving her to work and back and telling the truth, but your day’s not over YET! :D With all that stuff she DIDN’T have to do FOR YOU, she’s gonna be pretty restless by the time she finishes that steak you cooked, so… Sorry Al… You’re gonna have to put in some work on Peg. If I were a Reverend, I’d tell you to take SELFISH….. and turn it into SELFLESS!….. Be HELPFUL… until she’s HELPLESS!

Just don’t overdo it. Breakfast is served @ 6:30 am.

~Bill

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So I’m reading this BlogHer post and the author is amazed that her boyfriend dumped her for not sexing him often enough (in this case, 3 times a week) and I’m like ????? What did you expect?

You know? I mean, really. :/ I find it amazing that we’re moving into the year 2009 and grown-ass-women who have access to books, televisions, IRL friends and computers are SURPRISED when they get dumped because they’re sexually incompatible with their significant other.

That’s why you were hired. Just about the ONLY items in your job description are:

  a) look good
  b) don’t act like a jerk
  c) be sexy

If you can’t do that, you deserve to be fired, and there shouldn’t be any question in your mind why you were ejected. I mean, it’s dumb… It’s like taking a job as a teacher and then complaining that kids keep showing up and asking you questions. :/ What did you EXPECT to do as somebody’s GIRLFRIEND?

Meanwhile… GUESS what would have happened if the conversation had gone in a different direction… What if, instead of breaking up with her on the grounds of sexual infrequency, he had said:

You know?.. You’re kinda lame when it comes to the sex part, so I’m gonna have sex with [ this other chick / these other chicks ] 3 times a week, but you can still be my girlfriend.

That’s right. She would have flipped her wig. :D

First of all, there’s a problem off the bat if a woman’s COMPLAINING that she has to have sex with her boyfriend. :D You’re supposed to do what you WANT to do and what you’re INSPIRED to do when you’re feeling TURNED ON. If you DON’T want to have sex with your SO as often as he does, then you should be glad when some chick gets her Monica on and picks up your slack, right?

WRONG! :D It never works out that way. Monica can’t get a pat on the back and an invitation to dinner with the family. Oh no! Monica gets called all types of names. Home-Wrecker, Bitch, Whore, Slut… All because she was handling YOUR business with YOUR man.

Now, I can understand if you’re representin’ in the bedroom, but your man’s just GREEDY and still kickin’ it with other chicks, then, YEAH, he’s ENTIRELY at fault! Also, if y’all discussed the situation ahead of time, and he agreed to little or no physicality, he’s going back on HIS word by dumping you and he’s wrong again. But if you’re just being lazy and slackin’ on the sex, get ready for him to pull that lever so you fall through the trap door in the floor and out of sight.

See, it’s not just a one-way agreement. It’s not just that the guy agrees to be “faithful” to you. You’re also agreeing to keep. him. satisfied. That’s the part that some women will never understand. A relationship isn’t merely carte blanche for you to pull off sex embargoes to blackmail him into doing what you want. You’re ALSO taking on a RESPONSIBILITY, since you’ve agreed to be his sole sexual vendor.

Of course, the guy’s taking on the same responsibility to keep his woman satisfied as well. If her sex drive is higher than his, he’s gonna have to eat his Wheaties, batten down the hatches and hannle his bidnezz! :D

On a side note… I’ve never understood how some guys go all the way through the process of marrying a chick without tappin’ that first. I mean…. What if you get all the way to the honeymoon and the sex is like “meh :/”?

Anyway… WAKE UP, LADIES!!! We’re about to have jet-packs and cars that fold up into briefcases and y’all are still working off of Elementary School concepts of relationships. If you don’t want to have sex with a guy, FINE. Call him your FRIEND and leave it at that. His GIRLFRIEND is going to be the chick he has the most sex with, so if you want to try to retain the title without putting in the work, that’s gonna be a tough row to hoe.

~Bill

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There’s nothing a guy loves more than a girl who gives it up… except… there’s nothing a guy hates more than a girl who gives it up. :/

This is one of the most %^&ed-up situations about dating… both for men AND women. It’s obvious why it’s %^&ed-up for women, but it really psychologically screws with guys’ heads, being that they’re the ones that society has dictated has to be the aggressor/initiator.

According to Webster’s, a slut is “a promiscuous woman”. Also, according to Webster’s, a whore is “a woman who engages in sexual acts for money” (and, to be fair, “a male who engages in sexual acts for money”).

Off the bat, by definition, “whore” should be excluded from our vocabulary, IMO, other than to describe a situation where a chick had sex with you because you gave her money to do so. There are no amendments to the definition which mention “chicks who had sex with you because you bought them dinner”, “chicks who had sex with you because you took them out on your yacht” or “chicks who had sex with you because you took them to the movies”, so it seems that the only situation where “whore” is applicable is actual prostitution.

So that leaves us with “Slut”. How did “Slut” become such a negative term, when the definition is “a promiscuous woman”? Who started that? Think about it…

While you’re considering that, think about how pornography and strip clubs are big business in the USA. Apparently, LOTS OF GUYS “like” promiscuous women (and, yes, strippers count, because there are lots of places where you can pay them to do more than dance). Every “Western” movie you ever saw (not that those are accurate depictions of the Wild West) had a whorehouse in it, where everybody would hang out, play cards, get drunk and screw whatever chicks were attractive to them and available at the time. Every movie and televison show you’ve ever seen, from Sean Connery in the James Bond series to David Duchovny in Californication has the male lead getting laid left and right, with no end in sight. So, WHO started the negativity towards “sluts”, and why have you bought into this and propagated it?

Actually, it’s kind of funny. :D Just about everybody has a reason to detest “sluts”….

Single guys detest “sluts” because they feel less special that a girl gave them some if she gives EVERYBODY some.

Single women detest “sluts” because they get all the attention from the guys and make it hard for girls who don’t want to give it up to get boyfriends… or even DATES for that matter, since it gets around that they’re not “putting out”.

Married guys detest “sluts” because if you accidentally marry one, she’s liable to give it up to the next man tout de suite! :D Also, if she has a kid offa him, what’reya supposed to do about THAT? :( Boot the chick, and you probably don’t get to see your own kids so often. Keep her, and you have to raise the next man’s kid along with your own. Rock + Hard Place.

Married women detest “sluts” for hooking up with their husbands and decimating their power in the marriage. No more “sex embargo”, since he can step to the left and screw his goomah if you’re not akkin’ right. :D They also detest “sluts” for having kids with their husbands and dividing the family income via child support obligations.

ok… So, no wonder this ridiculousness persists. Everybody’s down with it! :D

So… What’s the catchy term for “Woman who feels like getting laid and goes ahead and does that whenever she chooses?”………

The only thing we have is like this fetish term, “Cougars”, which basically denotes an older woman that has money and goes after younger guys, because she’s got it like that. The reason that’s a fetish is because it’s still considered out of the norm… an anomaly… a form of deviance. Where’s the term for a REGULAR chick, whose REGULAR life includes hooking up with whatever guys she finds attractive at that time?

Unfortunately, with the definition of “slut” being “a promiscuous woman”, that covers all the bases. :D Regardless of whether she’s having sex from her own base of power and choice or because she’s weak-minded or “easy” or translates sexual encounters into her own self esteem, she’s thrown into the category of “slut” and consequently demeaned.

Oh… In case I didn’t take the proof deep enough… The Webster’s definition of promiscuous is “not restricted to one sexual partner”. So, a “slut” is ANY woman that’s “not restricted to one sexual partner”.

Now, I’m not “righteous” in this situation, haha :D The reason I ever even considered any of this was that I was having a conversation back in the day with a friend where I was explaining to him that this chick got dumped by her boyfriend because she admitted to him that she was a slut (practically verbatim. I don’t remember exactly what I said). His response was, basically “What makes her a slut?”, to which I had no immediate answer, hahaha because TO ME, it was clear and obvious. When I explained to him that she admitted having multiple upon multiple sexual partners before her boyfriend and that’s why he dumped her, my friend’s response was, essentially “So what, if that’s what she wanted to do? What difference does that make in her relationship to him NOW?” Much more argument ensued, but I realized rather quickly that I didn’t have a good argument for calling her a slut, and that I had fallen for the okey-doke. SOMEBODY had made this garbage up, and I was propagating it. I immediately admitted that he was right, amended my personality and moved forward from there. :D

Having said that, I understood the “dumper boyfriend’s” viewpoint. On the one hand, there were tons of guys that had already screwed his girl. She was a local, so so were they, hahaha :D I can see that as being a drag for a guy, wasting brain processing cycles wondering if the guy that just said “hi” to her in the street already hit that. I can also see him irrationally mistrusting her, thinking she’s going to hook up with just anybody, anytime she wants to, even though there was no evidence that she ever CHEATED on ANYBODY… She just had sex with a whole hell of a lot of dudes. :D

There was also probably the issue of “performance anxiety”. It’s better for guys to feel like either nobody or only a couple of dudes tapped that so that when they do their thing, she might be impressed. When you throw 30-odd dudes into the mix, the odds that you’re sexually enthralling trend towards ZERO. :D HAHAHAHAHA

Anyway…

Now, it’s YOUR turn to think about it. Who do YOU think is a “slut”? Is that a fair assessment? Should she be demeaned or applauded for her behavior? Is she “easy”? Is she being used? Or is she doing what she wants to do with the one life she’s going to have?

~Bill

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