It’s like what kind of person ARE YOU? WTF is going on here?
Spies & Ghosts
After explaining the origin of Wakanda, “Black Panther” begins with what appears to be aliens visiting black American humans in Oakland, California.
It turns out that the “aliens” are Africans, specifically Wakandans, and they have arrived to talk business with someone.
The person arriving is revealed as the king of Wakanda and the person he’s talking to is revealed as his own brother, who is a spy for Wakanda in their Hatut Zeraze (basically CIA, referred to as “War Dogs”).
So now, instead of an African speaking to an American, we have an African speaking to an African who’s pretending to be an American so he can spy on who knows what ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ because Wakanda is advanced enough to fly cloaked aircraft and in fact cloak their entire kingdom from being seen for the technological marvel it really is. Continue reading ““Black Panther” Film Discussion [Part 07: Culture Clash]”
Just two days ago, I was out to brunch with a friend and somehow, the topic of video games came up. I think I was explaining to her what I felt the value was of being yourself from the giddyap instead of doing what other people wanted you to do so they’d be willing to hang out with you. Continue reading “Responsibilities in Relationships”
Here are five quick tips on how to avoid getting your girl pregnant:
1) Don’t hit it… evAr
Yes. I know. This tip is useless, because you were only talking to her in the first place so you could have sex with her. I know. I know….
2) Time her cycle[Edit: Extended discussion/explanation @ “Don’t Try The Rhythm Method”. Basically, *ANY* technique for avoiding pregnancy that involves getting *ANY* liquid on a chick other than your saliva is *COMPLETELY* *RETARDED*!]
Relatively, there’s only a small window of time during which you can accidentally get your girl pregnant… I mean, ACTUALLY get your girl pregnant. According to The American Pregnancy Association:
“During the time of ovulation, an egg is available to be fertilized for only about 12-24 hours. But since sperm can live in the body for 3-5 days and then the egg is available for one day, your most fertile time is considered to be about 5-7 days.”
YOUR assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to figure out which week out of each month you need to regularly have one whole hell of a lot of headaches and late nights at the office! 😀
3) No Glove… No Love
Condoms don’t fail because the factory made them poorly. They fail because YOU didn’t put them on correctly. Make sure the condom fits. Make sure you leave space at the top for your… Happy Ending.
Here’s a tip. If the sex starts feeling “too good”, the condom probably broke or rolled off. STOP &#@$%G RIGHT NOW! and go get another condom.
4) Only screw chicks with career aspirations
Make sure you talk about careers early in your relationship with your girlfriend. If her chosen career path dictates that she can’t afford to take time off for maternity leave, you’re IN THERE! 😀
Just don’t bungle the position by a) making her fall in love with you so she no longer cares about careers or money, or b) getting that big promotion that makes her feel like starting a family off of YOUR paycheck.
5) Hit it during her period[Edit: Revised. I didn’t express myself properly here. I should have said “Hit it on THE FIRST DAY of her period” See the comments below or read “Don’t Try The Rhythm Method” for clarification. Thanks to Kenya for bringing it up in the comments and thanks to other friends of mine for bringing it up IRL in the time since I initially made this post. 🙂 ]
It seems that here, in NYC, we can’t get away from news about “cheating”, infidelity, whatever you want to call it when guys (or gals) go outside of the limits that they agreed to with their current “significant other”.
So then, when Eliot Spitzer resigns, David Paterson takes over as Governor and immediately holds HIS OWN PRESS CONFERENCE admitting extramarital affairs. That shouldn’t be a problem for him because getting laid isn’t against the law…. paying for it *IS*. Unless, of course, you’re in an area of the United States where they decided to legalize prostitution or you’re “acting” in a porno movie.
So anyway, you get the picture… Guys (and gals) are gonna do whatever they *want* to do, regardless of what they told YOU they were gonna do. Now, we’ve already gone over “How to cheat properly” for the fellaz….. So this time, we give some hints to the chicks out there that are always wondering to themselves “How do I know he’s cheating?” 😀
Well, first of all, tune in to the Maury show, if it’s still on the air. You will find an incredible assortment of imbeciles that somehow find new and innovative ways to get caught cheating.
Next, you could do the old “Find condoms amongst his belongings when he doesn’t use any with you” trick. Guys slip up on this one all the time. They forget how hard they worked and begged and pleaded and did everything their girlfriend wanted in order to get her to start taking the pill so he could stop using condoms. We’ll skip the part about how stupid this is, because if YOU can get her to not use condoms, so can everybody else. So anyway, it doesn’t occur to guys that now that they’ve succeeded they can’t play off owning boxes of condoms anymore as if they were planning to use them on their girl…. Especially when it’s a 3-pack and there’s only one left. 😀
Then there’s the old “Find women’s lingerie in your crib that you’ve never seen before AND isn’t anywhere near your size” trick. Due to the excitement of the circumstances, guys tend to be lax in taking inventory on what a chick walked in the door with and making sure she walks back out the door with the same stuff. Also, since guys don’t normally buy lingerie for their women, how are they supposed to know what’s yours and what isn’t? Meanwhile, if he did the right thing by her in your bedroom, she was too delirious to remember to put her panties on before her jeans, or that she ever owned panties in the first place. 😀 For a primer on what said lingerie might look like, Ask Frasco… she knows! 😀
The next tip would be a lack of reaction to your trying to withhold sex from him. If you get mad at him for not taking out the garbage or something and announce that you’re not going to give him any, if he says “cool” or says absolutely nothing at all, trust and believe he has contingency plans for the possibility of a shortage of sex. Same thing goes for if HE suddenly doesn’t want to have as much sex with you as he used to. Sure, he might be more stressed at work or whatever, but it’s also possible his physical attention’s focused on an L.A. face with an Oakland bootie…. Neither of which, YOU happen to own…..
Another problem for YOU is if all of a sudden your boyfriend starts improving his appearance. He’s been the same dude for ages, but NOW he wants to lose that weight….. Now he wants to buy new clothes…. Now he wants to get in shape…. Now he wants to hook his hair up…. These are primitive mating rituals, like how when a chick’s sweating you, she starts playing with her hair. It’s not likely that one day, he passed a mirror and was like “DAG! I FELL OFF!!!” and started hooking himself up. He was already in good enough shape to get you to mess with him, so it’s not that either.
It could also be a bad thing if he DOESN’T improve his appearance, hahaha… Meaning that if he’s telling you he’s going to the gym three nights a week and he’s just getting fatter and fatter, he might be eating well over at the next chick’s house and you might be hurtling towards the asteroid field of replacement.
Of course, as Client 9 found out, his cell phone / PDA is a veritable treasure trove of information. Lots of guys leave their phones unlocked, so feel free to rummage around and cross reference his onboard address book with recent and frequent incoming and outgoing calls…. Especially the ones that occurred during the wee hours of the morning….
So, basically, there are a million clues… You just have to know what you’re looking for, and in most cases, what you’re looking AT, because it’s happening right in front of your face. 😀 Numbers on papers left in pockets… Lipstick-stained shirt collars that smell like perfume you don’t own… Receipts from plane reservations with other chicks’ names on them…. Room service charges from a different state than he told you he was going “with the fellaz”…. *YAWN*… Oh… Make sure you meet his family as quickly as you can. Get in good with them so that one sunny day when you’re all hanging out sippin’ lemonade and you bring up his cousin Sheila, his family goes
A friend of mine once told me “The best way to cheat….. is NOT to cheat!”
This is true. In a perfect world, people would be monogamous and their word could be trusted when they say things like “I love you” and “You’re the only one I’m dating”. However, as you can read yourself in the New York Times, the buzz this week is about how Client 9 got caught cheating on his wife.
Now, I find this to be one of the “funny” things about this society. Guys are trained to go out there and get what they want. Make more money. Initiate Mergers & Acquisitions. Run for office. Play professional sports. Sell your startup… Guys are trained from birth to be the best and take what they want, and then they’re not supposed to apply that to women. Guys are expected to have just one chick and be satisfied with that, when they’re not expected to have just one company or play just one sport. Meanwhile, the more successful you are, the easier it gets for you to acquire and maintain chicks. I mean, think about it…. Why bother becoming Tony Soprano if you can’t enjoy it? What’s the point of acquiring wealth and power without the ability to do what *YOU* want with it?
Granted, the argument is “If you want to live the single lifestyle… BE single!” 😀 Again, this is true. However…. This doesn’t work for everyone. James Buchanan was the *ONLY* unmarried American President. In some professions, your opportunities for advancement are SEVERELY limited if you don’t have a wife. Similar to getting green cards, being married is just… necessary. It’s a part of the job description. Is this fair to the wife? No. Some know what they’re cosigning and some do not.
Anyway… If you juuuuust can’t help it, and you want to know how to cheat “right”, watch “The Sopranos”. 😀
Yes. I’m aware “The Sopranos” is fiction! 😀 However, if Client 9 had used his time to watch the series instead of scrambling from ATM to ATM to “get his funds up”….. um….. Well, FIRST OF ALL, he wouldn’t have been scrambling from ATM to ATM to get his funds up! 😀
Let’s see what else he wouldn’t have done, had he attended the Tony Soprano school for cheating:
“It was after 9 on the night before Valentineâ€™s Day when she finally arrived, a young…”
WRONG! 🙁 Actually… this is DOUBLE-WRONG, hahaha 😀 First of all, if you’re gonna cheat, you’re gonna have to pay some dues… such as being around the family at the right times, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day. Now, you may be thinking “but, it was the day before!”. The day before VD (hehe, ever notice that? The abbreviation for Valentine’s Day is VD? hehehe) is when you get to make your points by celebrating with your woman EARLY! Capisce? Let those other chumps start their celebrations ON Valentine’s Day. That’s actually *late*, especially if your woman works, because she’s sitting there all day, WONDERING if she’s got a nice surprise waiting for her when she gets home instead of BEAMING about what you already did for her the night before, and that morning. SO… “the night before a special event is NOT the time to rent a chick”.
This is ALSO wrong because Valentine’s Day in particular is when you’re supposed to be affectionate to chicks. This is going to be tough to do after you hook up with some chick you’re actually hot for, then, a couple of hours after that, you’re supposed to be all “Happy Valentine’s Day! :D” to your wife. SO… The correct order is to celebrate with your wife the night before and the morning *of* VD, then “get called away for business” later that evening. 😉
“This was at the Mayflower, one of Washingtonâ€™s choicer hotels…”
WRONG! 🙁 If you’re ballin’ like that, that you’re spending thousands of dollars to see one chick… you want to have an APARTMENT out of the way somewhere. You do NOT want to go to a hotel with CAMERAS, WORKERS and myriad OTHER PEOPLE that just might happen to be there. Also, it’s much easier to explain what you’re doing in an apartment complex than it is to explain what you’re doing by yourself on the eighth floor of a hotel with a big SMILE on your face. 😀
“….an online prostitution ring, the affidavit said…”
ummmmmmm……. Online?…. Prostitution?……..
Was there a bar when you walked in? 😀 Did the chick suggest that you pour her a drink while she goes in another room and changes? 😀
“There’s something that I need you need to know… I’m Chris Hanson….”
WHAAAAAAAT? :O Online Prostitution? wow. :/ Forget all that. What you want is a goomah, which is essentially an extra girlfriend.
This is where the apartment comes in handy. You also get to avoid scrambling to the ATM to get more money, avoid cell phone calls between a hooker, her boss and her boss’ boss, avoid getting a call from some agency during “family time” and probably MOST IMPORTANTLY, you get to avoid ordering chicks online.
“In a prior conversation, Client 9 had already told her that he had booked a room and had paid for it in his own name; now he asked who was coming…”
I realized after I began this post that commenting on this ONE article could easily take me a full month, so I’m going to stop here. 😀
Obviously, again, having a goomah enables you to AVOID conversations with hookers’ bosses. You also happen to know which girl you’re paying $,$$$ for. Being that I’m not a “trick” (a guy who pays chicks to have sex with him), I don’t know how that stuff works. I would assume you’d pick a particular chick and set up a time to see her instead of whatever chick happens to be available at the time? \o/ Maybe he was trying out different ones? Perhaps there was a special on certain chicks this month? Dunno. Anway…..
In the end, we circle back to the beginning. As you can see, “The best way to cheat….. is NOT to cheat!” 😀 …. Not because it’s “the right thing to do”, but because you’d either have to be a tactical genius or fictional television character to pull it off. If you’re considering cheating, mentally project yourself into the future of your getting caught. Then, look from there back into the past (which hasn’t happened yet), and ask yourself…..