Bill Cammack » fat

GFF: Grenade-Free Foundation

Bill Cammack — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 15:22:57 +0000

According to the ‘Jersey Shore’ glossary, a Grenade is defined as:

1) A large, portly woman of an unsightly nature and violent disposition. 2) A difficult, prickly (often sober) friend of a potential conquest who blocks your advances on their friend’s behalf. A wingman is required at all times to “dive on the grenade” to ensure your success in the bedroom.

Obviously, those two definitions have nothing to do with each other. I understand why whomever wrote that was confused. The Fellaz changed the description of a Grenade after a couple of episodes, which will throw people off that don’t know what the **** they’re talking about.

DUFFs

Generally, but not always, what they’re describing as a Grenade is actually a DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). This is the war-chief that you see when you encounter a pack of females. She’s easily spotted as she’s looking suspiciously around and trying to keep a count of all her girlfriends and whether they’re talking to “creeps” or not.

The DUFF’s job is to go into action when she sees that one of her girls might be planning to give it up to a dude and cockblock him ASAP. She appears like The Great Gazoo to magically destroy your rap.

The reason the DUFF is so on-point is that nobody ever kicks it to her. This leads to excessive bitterness and the deep-seated desire to make sure that her homegirls get as little play as she does. The “D” stands for Designated, as in designated driver. The same way you send that one person to the party that’s not going to drink so they can safely drive the rest of the drunkards home at the end of the night, the DUFF is responsible for making sure none of her girls hook up past maybe the makeout stage.

The reason why the distinction needs to be made between the DUFF and a Grenade is that there are A. LOT. OF. FOYINE. GIRLS. THAT. COCKBLOCK. THEIR. ASSES. OFF!!!

Just because a gal’s good-looking doesn’t exclude her from being a Grenade. In fact, Attractive Grenades are worse than Busted Grenades, so definition #1 needs to be stricken from the record. Expecting only unattractive girls to attempt to defuse your rap is an amateur mindset.

Grenades

Because the Jersey Shore fellaz failed to make the distinction between DUFFs and Grenades, they’ve confused the uninformed public. For instance, this season, Mike mentions how he, Pauly & Vinny were in the hot tub with a bunch of chicks and then he splashed some water on his face and suddenly realized “We’ve got GRENADES, Man!!! :O”.

That comment didn’t make any sense… Grenades would have cockblocked their homegirls from getting in the hot tub to begin with. Meanwhile, the girls in the tub were throwing sex at the guys left and right. They were definitely DTF (Down To ****).

What Mike SHOULD have said was “When I splashed water on my face, I realized that we had brought home girls that I wouldn’t have admitted to anybody that I kicked it with, except it’s on videotape and broadcast worldwide on televison and the internet.”

The funny thing about statements like that is how Mike is continually surprised at the visual quality of girls he pulls when it’s been a running joke throughout the entire two seasons of Jersey Shore that he and Pauly will bring back anything they can to the house at the end of the night. If splashing water on his face made him realize what the girls HE brought home actually looked like, that’s his fault for removing his own Beer Goggles.

The Original Grenade

We met an actual Grenade in ‘Jersey Shore’ season 01. I believe this is where the confusion of the term came from.

The Fellaz were snapping on this girl for two different reasons which match up to the glossary definition. They found her to be visually unattractive, AND the entire time she was on screen, she was liable to cockblock Mike.

She actually had no reason to be at the house. Pauly didn’t want to hit it, so that meant he had to babysit her so his boy Mike could get laid.

The Jersey Shore guys call this typical wingman tactic “Falling on the Grenade”. Basically, you have to ruin your evening hanging out with some chick just to distract her. The benefit is that your boy gets to tag up on the actual target chick AND that you feel your boy would do the same thing for you if you met a girl you wanted to bring back to the hot tub and the only way she was coming over was if she brought her Grenade-ass girlfriend with her.

So.. Regardless of her looks, she had to be stopped from destroying Mike’s rap, so she was named “The Grenade”.

The GFF

The GFF is the Grenade-Free Foundation, which supports a Grenade-Free America. :D

That really doesn’t have anything to do with cockblockers. It actually has to do with the level of visual quality of the girls these guys pull from the club.

This season, Vinny said that Mike & Pauly would bring home stray dogs from the club if they couldn’t get anything else. Last season, Ronnie and his boys were snapping all over Mike & Pauly saying that nothing they brought home was anywhere near Sammi’s (housemate and Ronnie’s girlfriend) quality.

In their defense, the only girls that are going to show up on a television show are the ones that agree to sign the releases, so it’s entirely possible that MTV is only showing the Grenades the fellaz pull and never the hawt chicks because none of them agree to be shown.

So, the GFF is a state of mind, really… It’s one man’s resolve that if a chick isn’t what he considers to be an 8, 9, or 10 (rating her looks from 1-10, with 10 being the most attractive), he’s not bringing her home or trying to hook up with her.

The obvious problem with this is that guys would rather hook up with a 7, 6 or 5 than NOT HOOK UP with a better-looking female. It’s better to have mediocre-looking chicks in the hot tub than to get no rap at all from hawt girls.

Hunting

It’s all part of the game of Hunting.

When you hit the streets, you’re seeing what you can come up with for that night.

Due to circumstances or the environment, you might not even have access to a chick that’s better than a 6 the entire evening.

You might have access to 8′s or 9′s, but they’re not going for your rap style.. What then? \o/

It’s either hook up with the sub-par chicks that WANT to hook up with you or go home, go to sleep and try again tomorrow.

So.. Unfortunately, The GFF doesn’t exist except in the hearts and minds of guys that are willing to adhere to the terms of the concept.

It’s a fun thing to say… Grenade-Free America!!!! :D but it’s not realistic. Vinny may or may not have hooked up with Snooki this season and he was obviously embarrassed about having slept in the same bed with her… That’s what happens. That’s how life goes.

It’s nice to claim that you only hook up with hawt chicks, but that only works for two sets of guys.. The guys that ACTUALLY only hook up with top-notch-looking women and the guys that successfully keep their exploits with sub-par chicks under the hat.

Neither one of those categories apply to the dudes on ‘Jersey Shore’. :D HAHAHA The only reason you need to declare a Grenade-Free America is that you have to stop YOURSELF from partaking in the Grenades.

Unfortunately.. Methinks They Doth Protest Too Much because at the end of the night, several Grenades in the hot tub trumps zero FOYINE girls in the hot tub and the GFF or GFA will remain a state of mind that guys aspire to but never actually achieve.

Down With Weightists!

Bill Cammack — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 20:01:16 +0000

Reader Karima W. called my attention to this New York Times article about Japan’s efforts to keep its population slim.

The short version is that they’re measuring people’s waistlines to make sure they’re not over ~35″… for those of you not in the know, that “ sign means inches, so they want people in Japan’s waists to be slimmer than one leg of a chick from Washington, DC.

[side note: Cancel all trips to DC for the next 6 months...]

Anyway…. They’re measuring people’s waists, and if they’re over ~35″, they receive instructions on how to go on a diet. If they don’t get that weight off after 6 months, they get BETTER dieting instruction, hahaha. There are fines if they don’t achieve these goals… not to THEM, but to the companies that hire them or the towns they live in. SOMEBODY will have to PAY if these people don’t lose weight. The reason for this is that they don’t want their healthcare costs to rise as people “allow themselves” to become fat and then have extra health problems because of that.

Needless to say, this would not work in the USA… nope. This is because the USA is one of the only places in the world where you can be broke and fat at the same time.

See, this’ll work in Japan, because if you don’t lose the weight, you get fired. If you get fired, you start to starve, meaning you lose weight and meaning you can get a job with a different company, because now, you’re under the waistline limit.

If you get fired for your weight in the USA, you don’t have to go to work, so you sit around eating what your girl brings home off of food stamps and her WIC check (Women wih Infant Children, for those not… in the know), and you get fatter than you ever were before.

Now, I don’t know what’s going on over there in Japan, but it’s probably how they let them build a bunch of McDonald’s franchises over there. I’ve had Sushi before, and I just can’t see how people could get fat eating that.

Besides all that, how did they determine that the measurement of someone’s waistline was the prime indicator of their health? How is that fair when you place one Japanese woman with no ass next to a Japanese woman with some bounce to the ounce? Some junk in the trunk? Are they judged the same way, because they have the same waistline measurement? What if the thicker chick is in fantastic shape and the thinner chick is flabby… but, again, they have the same waist measurements?

Hmm… Wait a minute… Maybe they’re onto something. Let me not be hasty…..

…….

ok… So let’s say you hook up with a significant other, and you like the way he or she looks, right… So you get them to sign a contract… And it’s like when people curse.

You know how when people curse, they have to put a quarter in the jar? Yeah… You weigh your SO every couple of weeks, and the amount that they’re over their contracted weight, they have to kick in so many dollars to the Weightist Fund. Hear me out now, this is getting good! :D The heavier they get, the more they have to pay, so by the end of like 6 months, you can afford to put them in the gym for the rest of the year!

Now, your SO’s probably a cheapskate anyway, so in order to avoid paying all this money, they’ll take it upon themselves to exercise or at least buy a wii. Yeah. This is kind of like insurance. Insurance against the old bait & switch, the old “marry me and then sit around eating bon bons” trick (or in the case of the fellaz, the old “marry me and then sit around drinking beer and watching television” trick).

If it’s good enough for the UFC, it should be good enough for you and your SO, right? :) Before the fight, you have the weigh-ins. If you make the weight and your opponent doesn’t, you can decline to fight them. Same deal with the Weight Contract that you and your SO sign off on at the beginning of the relationship. If she gets over a certain size… you’re not obliged to hit it! :D And she can’t get mad at you, either, because it’s right there in black and white. A deal’s A deal! Just point at the paper, point at the scale and go back to watching the game! :D

Anyway, Japan’s bugging out. Imagine if they found a way to FORCE Americans to be healthy. That would totally ruin the game for those of us that depend upon the fact that so many people remove themselves from the procreationally desirable population. Preposterous! I mean, come on. Imagine if they made every chick in the USA looked like Mya. It would be an absolute…

Do we have any contacts in Japan? I think we can work this thing out…

DatingGenius