Lindz & Bill return just in time to save your relationship with the Top Ten Valentine’s Day DON’Ts!!!

L = Lindsey Chen

B = Bill Cammack

1. Don’t FORGET

B: If Saturday, February 14th, 2009 rolls around and you’re Cold Lampin’ on the couch with the remote, your brew and some chips, you just blew it. Valentine’s Day will either make or break your coming year with your girl. Whatever you do or don’t do, she’s going to carry that with her for MONTHS.

You still have two weeks left, so think ahead… If you need to hit Chinatown and put that bracelet on layaway… make it happen. Also, make those restaurant reservations NOW! You’ll never hear the end of it if y’all get jerked at the door and you end up in the bootleg, sharing a 40 and a snack box for V-Day dinner.

L: Totally. Once I dated this guy who forgot about Valentines Day… and took me to a crappy diner. Meanwhile the whole time I’m thinking is, “is this guy for real?” As if I am going to fall for that BS. I dumped him immediately. Ladies, if this happens to you, its not only a jerk move, but its an indication of your future. Right now he’s forgetting about Valentine’s Day, but soon it will be your birthday, you date on Saturday night, the money he owed you for rent, the ice cream bars you asked him to pick up from the store, the list goes on.

2. Don’t order first

B: When the waitress comes over, don’t go “YEAH, I WOULD LIKE…..” Show some class, and let the lady order first. If she’s not ready, tell the waitress you need some more time. NEVER order first. DO. NOT. ORDER. FIRST! hahaha :D If she insists that you order first, stay shut. This is absolutely non-negotiable. If you order first on your own, you’re a neanderthal. If you let her PRESSURE YOU into ordering first, you’re a wuss. Neither one is good, so keep it SHUT until she orders.

Don’t overdo it, though. Some guys like to try and order FOR their women. No good. Unless you know what she likes, AND what she wants right now, don’t do it. The only way to be guaranteed of doing this properly is if you ASK HER what she wants, and when the waitress comes over, you inform her “The Lady Will Have…” and order your food AFTER she takes your girlfriend’s order.

PS – I know it will be a waitress, because they don’t hire waiters in Hooters.

L: On that note, if your man takes you to Hooters, (sorry Bill), refer to #1 and D-U-M-P. Unless of course, you love hooters or you’re a hooters girl and you have to work on Valentine’s Day. If you jump the gun and order before her, that translates to, she’s just another ‘friend’ and you’re not a gentleman. Let her order first, even if it takes 10 minutes and you know what you want. On that note, open doors… ALWAYS.

3. Don’t take her to the sports bar

B: Valentine’s Day is not about YOU. It’s about HER. Take her where SHE wants to go instead of where YOU want to go! YOUR holiday is NEXT MONTH, on March 14th, when everyone celebrates Steak & Blowjob Day.

Forget about that for now… Focus on romance and flowers and candy and candlelight dinners and walking arm-in-arm and all that good stuff that she’s been looking forward to for the entire year since LAST V-Day.

L: This is especially true if you’re not a touchy – feely person. Maybe you don’t like to hold hands in public or you aren’t the ‘type’ of guy to bring her flowers. Do yourself a favor and do it for her. It’s her day, not yours. When Superbowl Sunday rolls around, that’s YOUR day. But on this special day, do what she wants.

4. Don’t set the bar too high

B: Do NOT go All-Out on V-Day. She’s taking notes. Whatever you do for her on February 14th, she’s going to compare what you do for her the entire rest of the year against it. If you’re 100% fly one day of the year, that means you’re probably 100% wack on the other 364.

Even it out. You SHOULD have been doing great stuff for her all year anyway, which would have relieved most of your V-Day performance anxiety.

L: Very good point. If you take her to a fancy steak house on Valentine’s Day then take her to Taco Bell on your other dates, you can consider yourself done. Don’t take her somewhere where she’s thinking, holy shit did someone just die and he inherited a million dollars? OR is this guy smoking crack? Surprises are good, but make sure if you do something THAT GOOD, you can keep up with it for the rest of your relationship with her. Remember, as time goes on, she’s just going to expect MORE.

5. Don’t take calls/texts from your ex

B: If there’s ANY TIME of the ENTIRE YEAR that you need to at least ACT LIKE it’s all about your girlfriend, Valentine’s Day is IT. Focus. FOCUS! *FOCUS*!!! Do not accept calls and gleefully chatter away with your ex-girlfriend while your current girlfriend’s can see/hear you. If you just HAVE TO talk to your ex, excuse yourself to the men’s room or pretend you’re going outside to smoke.

There’s no reason AT ALL to talk to an ex-girlfriend on V-Day…….. unless, of course, you’re making plans with her to tap that later on this evening.

L: And if it’s the latter, then either you’re a playa or you’re a jerk. Haven’t decided yet. And a note to self, if you do end up picking up the phone from your ex and you remember what Bill said earlier, don’t worry, just say “Hey Mom, Happy Valentine’s Day. Yeah, she’s good, ok great, Thanks, You too, I love you, talk to you later.” Works every time.

6. Don’t *NOT* send her flowers at work

L: You see, there’s an unspoken game that goes on at everyone’s work on Valentine’s Day. It’s called “My boyfriend/husband loves me more than yours does.” When the flower guy comes to deliver flowers, all the women’s heads shoot up thinking, “I hope they’re for me.” Of course, if you’re the person that doesn’t get flowers on Valentine’s Day, everything thinks, “She must be in a fight” or “He must not really love her.” You want your girlfriend to feel like the most special girl every and everyone to envy her at work. Then she’ll win the game. That’s how it works. And if you can’t afford $100 flowers (because that’s how much they cost on V day) then buy some from a flower shop and have your friend (who no one in her office knows) deliver them. Throw in a cupcake and your’re golden.

B: I was going to say this one in my five. This is EXTREMELY CRITICAL. First of all, you HAVE TO send them to her job. Second, you HAVE TO send them EARLY, so her girlfriends sweat her all day while she feels comfortable and loved and NOT ANXIOUS as far as whether she’s gonna get hers before the whistle blows @ 5pm. Third, like Lindz said… Go BIG or Go HOME!!! If you can’t shell out the ducats for the flower shop action, go to any ghetto area and look for a store with a fruit stand. Roses will be either $1 per or $2 per. Either way, $50 or less gets you two dozen long-stemmed roses, wrapped. Get your boy to deliver them and get ready to be treated like a *KING* after she gets out of work. :D

7. Don’t be uncomfortable just to impress him

L: The last thing you’re boyfriend/husband/date wants to hear on Valentine’s Day is you complaining that your feet hurt. I’m sure he hears it enough as it is. While you don’t want to look like a hobo (Think the Olsen Twins), you don’t want to look like a hooker. That’s for later in the bedroom. However, you do want to wear something that sets apart this outfit from your regular ‘date’ outfits. Throw a flower in your hair, wear sparkly earrings, get your nails done. Look presentable, but make sure you won’t complain about it later on.

B: You don’t even know, L…. I’ve been saying this EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND. of the winter hahaha. Ladies, PLEASE, PLEASE do yourselves a favor and dress for the elements. STOP rocking high-heel regular shoes in the snow. STOP rocking Mini-Skirts when the temperature’s below 30 degrees. STOP wearing those short, “cute” jackets and shivering while you’re waiting outside on the line to get in that club. That’s not showing DEDICATION. That’s showing that you’re completely INSECURE and don’t think anybody’s going to think you’re attractive unless they can see every inch of your T&A.

If you need to learn how to dress in the winter, come around the way and see how fly the girls rock their Timberlands and North Face jackets and STILL have guys falling all over each other and THEMSELVES to try to rap to them.

8. Don’t be a drunken whore

Yes you’ll order a bottle of wine, or maybe a couple, but don’t overdo it just because its a holiday. Besides bringing up past ex’s the only other turnoff is if he has to hold your hair back while you puke in the street, toilet or heaven forbid on his shoes. This is not a fraternity formal. Plus, if you’re too drunk and he’s too drunk then you’ll probably just go home and pass out. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is LAME.

B: Good advice. However, this is also a function of her man doing the right thing with #4: “Don’t set the bar too high”. Don’t ply your girl with Colt 45 or PBR all year and then break out the Dom, Moet & Cordon Negro on V-Day. That’s the sure-fire way to put her out of commission. Not only that, but when she wakes up she MIGHT NOT even remember all the stuff you did for her on her special day. :/

Of course… This would help you with #1, in case you forgot what day it was, entirely. Pick up the champagne, get her drunk, then when she wakes up, explain to her how you took her to Tavern On The Green and then a Horse & Carriage Ride around Central Park before she passed out.

9. Don’t always assume he’s going to foot the bill

L: AKA, bring a wallet. I knew a girl that would go on dates and just ‘forget’ her wallet at home. That girl, I call a pretentious bitch. It’s the 21st century and while yes, 99% of males will pay for the date, WHAT IF you happen to go out with the other 1%? Plus, if you opt to grab a coffee or ice cream after the restaurant, then you should probably insist to pay. Or if you go straight home, pay for the cab. It’s rude to assume that he will always pay. Plus it makes you seem more independent and confident.

B: DEFINITELY bring a wallet. If he can’t pay the bill, they’re going to want cold, hard cash from you…… unless you have dish-washing or table/pole-dancing skillz.

10. Don’t Cancel

L: This is probably the #1 reason to dump the person over the phone, via email or text. If you cancel the day of, he has a right to dump you because you’re a heartless bitch. If he puts all the time and effort into this day to essentialy celebrate you, then you need to go. I don’t care if your dog or cat died the night before. If you’re not in the hospital or dead, then you best be showing up. Common courtesy. On the flip side, if he does this to you dump him. If he stands you up this time or cancels last minute, then you know that he doesn’t have the sense to know its wrong and unacceptable and he’s do it again in the future. Except next time, it might be your wedding day.

B: Rep-Re-SENT!… Preach!.. PREACH!!! :D

Oh man. I can’t imagine after all that planning and getting a haircut and getting new gear for the date and all those trips to Chinatown for the layaway, if she just… Canceled. omg. If you’re not in the hospital or dead, you’d best be in line at the courthouse for that RESTRAINING ORDER, because that’s just wrong.

As for the fellaz… If you don’t make it to the V-Day date, you’d better bring back proof that you were IN JAIL or don’t bother showing up to her crib ever again. Instead of “that time of the month”, it’ll *usually* be “that time of the *WEEK*” when it comes to you getting some, so you’d be better off just starting all over with a new chick.

Lindz & Bill

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When a woman leaves you, you may feel heartbroken, depressed, wistful, horny, betrayed, disappointed… :( any number of feelings, consecutively or simultaneously. Here are five tips on how to move on with your life, and learn to love again………

1) Have sex with her sister

hahahahaha Just Kidding! :D

… unless her sister’s HAWT!

This won’t help you feel better about yourself if her sister’s like “eeeh, ok”, because she’s not an upgrade. Depending on how mediocre she is, you may end up feeling EXPONENTIALLY WORSE! :(

Also, this does NOT… repeat… DOES *NOT* work with her best-girlfriend! Do Not Make This Mistake. A lot of women are extremely emotionally volatile & catty. Their friendships with other women turn on a dime… like happened in her relationship to YOU! :D This means that there’s the potential that in the very near future, your ex-girlfriend won’t care AT ALL about you banging her friend, so you basically wasted your time. (Note for non-Americans… “Banging” is a slang term for “having sex”, most likely derived from the sound the woman’s head makes against the headboard)

2) Have sex with her mother

ok, *NOW* I’m kidding! :D

… unless her mother’s RICH!…….. and HAWT!

3) Get a hobby

Take that extra energy that you have, now that you’re not tappin’ that three times a day, and start working out. You want to meet women in the gym anyway, because they’re WYSIWYG. They don’t get to hide their muffin-tops under those Pee-wee Herman maternity dresses.

Besides… You were probably getting flabby anyway, since you knew you were going to get laid, regardless, so working out is a double-win for you.

4) Make tons of money

The best revenge is living well. Now that she’s not with you, buy that yacht and sail past her house every Saturday with your new girlfriends that you picked up at the gym! :D Rev your new Ferrari’s engine outside that diner where she’s working the overnight shift to make ends meet after her regular job on the assembly line at the sock factory.

oh… wait….. Make sure you didn’t have any kids with her before y’all broke up! If you did, skip this tip, because the more money you make, the more you have to give her in alimony and child support, so you’d actually be better off trying to figure out how to get her back instead of buying boats and cars. :D

5) Drink alcohol

Helps you forget your ex ever existed and makes her sister look better, in case you decide to try #1. :D

~Bill

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