So, I’m talking to this fun and attractive young lady the other day while I’m hanging out with some friends. I’m not going to mention her name (not that I ever do, haha) because she actively hides from Social Media, but let’s say she’s “an accountant”.
So, off the bat, we don’t seem very similar as far as dating goes, but she’s a pleasant person and nice to look at, so I don’t mind chatting her up for a while… Read the rest of this entry »
The way the dating game works, guys have to be the aggressors and girls choose from the suitors who present themselves. There are several reasons for this, including women attempting to avoid the stigma of being considered hoes for stepping up front and telling a guy what they really want to do with him. Another reason is that gals tend to be more relationship-based, while guys are more get-laid-based.
What this creates is an uneven playing field where guys are always playing offense and girls are always playing defense. I had a rare opportunity, recently, to watch a creep operate… Let me back up a bit…
What/Who is a Creep?
A creep isn’t defined by tactics. A creep is defined by whether a chick wants to kick it to him or not. If a girl likes you, you can say just about anything you want to her, and she’ll go for it. She wants you to want her. She’s excited that she excites you. You can literally walk up to a chick and say “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain” and she’ll make out with you, because that’s what she’s been daydreaming about this whole time since she first saw you…. kissing you, not you saying some corny, meaningless line.
So, a creep is a guy that a chick DOESN’T want to talk to her, but insists on talking to her anyway. He could be the most polite, well read, gentlemanly blah blah blah but if she’s not interested, he’s a nuisance that she needs to get rid of ASAP. Not only is he annoying, but he’s taking up space where a guy that REALLY wants to kick it to her could be standing and she could be enjoying herself.
So I had been about to say “I recently got to see a creep operate”, but that’s not actually true. I’ve seen creeps operate lots of times, except they’ve been friends of mine, so I’ve been hoping that they get on. Sometimes, the creep was ME! What I should have said was that I had the rare opportunity to watch some creep I don’t know operate, and because of that, I can now write up my favorite tips on how to *NOT* be a creep: Read the rest of this entry »
Zandria: I’ve heard that more breakups occur during the holiday season than any other time of year. [...snip...] The thing is, though, I haven’t seen a drop in the amount of people looking for dates online. In fact, I’m receiving more expressions of interest than I did when I first signed up over the summer.
hehehe Excellent read, Zandria. Let me tell you what’s going on.
You explained why you’re getting more expressions of interest now than you did over the summer. Guys are dumping their girls for the holiday season OR they’ve already DECIDED that they’re dumping their girls, so they’re trolling for more women ahead of time. It’s like being a freelancer in a work situation. As a video editor, I get MORE work when people get fired or companies downsize. You’re experiencing the same thing with online dating.
The reasons you gave were spot-on. Basically, the holiday season is an expensive time to have a girlfriend, so guys tend to break up permanently or at least until the season’s over and take their girls back in January.
Another reason is that there are a lot of holiday parties right now, with a lot of DRUNK WOMEN at them. That’s where you want to be, instead of stuck at some party with a chick you already know… or even WORSE, over @ her relatives’ crib! This is PRIME TIME for meeting women and starting new relationships. Also, if you start a new relationship NOW, it’s too early for her to expect an expensive gift from you.
Zandria: The thing is, though, the more dating you do, the more instances of “Did he really do/say that?” tend to emerge.
You need to catalogue those increasing instances of “Did he really do/say that?” that you’re experiencing, because those are brief glimpses into what a lot of guys are actually thinking. It’s really the little things that give people away.
Zandria: I have had several “interesting” experiences.
For one thing, a lot of guys seem to think they’re six feet tall. I’ve spoken to a number of women who back up this theory of Male Online Dating Height Exaggeration. Guys who really are tall — say, over 6’2” — tend not to lie. But if I see a profile that says the guy is 6’0”, I’m going to assume he’s at least an inch or two shorter than that. (If I’m 5’9” and wearing not-very-tall heels, and the dude is also wearing shoes, and we’re looking each other straight in the eye? I’m sorry, but you’re not six feet tall.)
As far as the “six feet tall” thing, hahaha Online dating sites are set up in categories. This is how women and men get to choose whom they see in their search results. If a guy honestly states that he’s 5′9″ and a lot of women check the box that says 6′ or over, he doesn’t show up in the search results and he doesn’t get that date. Or, in some cases, where the site does the matchup FOR you, he doesn’t make the “compatible” list, so, again… HE doesn’t get that date. Since the whole point of him being on the service is to meet women that he wants to date or have sex with or whatever, he wants to meet as many as possible, so he LIES and says he’s 6′ tall. It’s not that he doesn’t REALIZE that he’s not that tall hahahahaha. It’s not that he has delusions about his height. He’s merely tricking you into going out on a date with him, when he’s actually below your selected height requirement.
It’s all in the game.
Oh… and apply the same logic to his salary.
Zandria: Another thing: some guys need to be more up-front about important matters that affect possible future relationships before you take the time to meet them in person. I had this one guy wait until our first meeting before he asked me, “Did I tell you that I’m about to be deployed to Iraq for seven months?”
As far as guys being “more up-front about important matters that affect possible future relationships”, nobody’s thinking about “possible future relationships” until they meet you in person. The way it works is, guys get what they can get… NOW… and if it continues, fine. So, if dude’s about to leave town, he’s looking for something to do UNTIL he leaves town. Similar to the “not 6-feet-tall” guy, he’s not going to ruin his chance to try to get some or have a temporary girlfriend by letting you know he’s not physically available for a LTR.
Once he meets you, it’s a different story. He might feel like “this one’s a keeper” and THEN come clean about his current status and future plans. I guess I should have put ‘clean’ in quotes, because STDs are another thing guys (AND gals) don’t tend to mention on online dating sites.
Zandria: Then there are the things that just make me go “Hmm…” Like the guy who came across as really formal and straight-laced, but when I called him out on it (yes, I will call you out if it’s warranted) he assured me, “I do have a dark and twisted side.”
As far as dudes announcing that they “have a dark and twisted side”, that normally means that they don’t, but they’d be willing to make one up so as to not get rejected for being boring. Also, “dark and twisted” is relative to his own experience. I know women who think doggie-style is dark and twisted, hahahaha The point is that guys are going to SAY whatever they have to say in order to stay on track to hooking up with you. If they’re wackos, they’re going to say they’re not. If they’re boring, they’re going to say they’re not.
If you want to know if a guy’s “twisted” for real, look in his eyes and then ask him what he wants to do to you.
So, yeah, that’s “how we do”. Lie as much as you need to in online dating so you get a chance to run your IRL game on her. Best-case scenario, the 5′9″ broke-as-a-joke, unemotionally available, boring dude gains the physical company of a female he finds attractive for one or more evenings. Worst-case scenario, she walks out the door as soon as she sees you, because you’re not what she wanted… except that’s the same outcome as if you hadn’t lied on your application in the first place and she never chose you, so who cares?
Kay S. Hymowitz posted a very well written, albeit extremely long-winded (which sounds funny coming from me, haha) article entitled “Love in the Time of Darwinism”. It’s a great read, if you’re not in the trenches, experiencing this stuff first-hand. She basically talks about why guys are disgruntled with the dating scene as it stands today.
She also mentions this term I never heard of, called “Menaissance”, which is supposed to be the resurgence of real men after the systematic REMOVAL of real men from American media for years and years and years and years and years.
According to AskMen.com, here are the rules for the new Menaissance:
No more intimidation
Reject sexual blackmail
Keep your wallet closed
Assert yourself
Be nice
Never apologize for being a man
Expect nothing but ultimate respect
ummmmmmmm….. What kind of BULLSHIT is this? You can’t teach cats to be dogs. You can’t teach horses to be humans and you can’t teach non-Alphas to be Alphas. You have it or you don’t. You’re living that life or you’re not. You can’t read an article that tells you to stand up for yourself and suddenly do it, when it doesn’t make sense in YOUR reality.
How is the average joe supposed to “reject sexual blackmail” when all he wants in life is to get laid? How is he supposed to “keep his wallet closed” if shelling out ducats is the only way he gets women to lay down? How is he supposed to assert himself when he’s already been brainwashed that a gentleman is supposed to be gentile? Why should he “never apologize for being a man” when he’s so busy NOT being a man every day of his life? Why should he “expect respect” when he doesn’t COMMAND respect?
Anyway… there IS no “Menaissance”, because the game hasn’t changed AT.ALL. It’s still about “getting girls”, so guys are going to do whatever’s EFFECTIVE for them to get laid, whether that’s paying money, being intimidated, apologizing or being disrespected left and right as long as they can get some.
Kay’s article reminded me of a topic that was brought up to me back on June 11, 2008. I was having a discussion with a woman who suddenly informed me that she read my blog. Obviously, that changed the tone of the discussion, and she ended up asking me something to the effect of why everything I write is confrontational. I meant to write about that but never got around to it.
The best-case-scenario for meeting chicks is mutual attraction. You like her. She likes you. Done deal. That’s all well and good if A) women like you to begin with and B) you live in the sticks, where there’s no competition. Here, in Manhattan, NYC, USA, there’s a high likelihood that a guy who makes exactly one million more dollars than you do every single year is going to kick it to the same chick YOU want. If you have a MetroCard, a guy with a car wants her. If you have a car, the guy with the yacht wants her. If you live in Brooklyn, the guy that lives in SoHo wants her. If you have a job, a guy with a funded startup wants her.
Basically, you have to be loaded for bear if you’re gonna try to pull a chick here, because she has so many guys offering her sex, money and favors that you have to be better than ALL OF THEM to get her to choose you. So that’s the first reason why relations between men and women are confrontational here. Men are at war with each other for the same chicks. If you’re just not “better” than the next man, you have to have tactics that keep you in the game.
The second, and more important reason why relations between men and women are confrontational is that unless and until you convince a woman that she has something invested in her relationship to you, she’s completely unreliable. You can’t count on SHIT that she says, unless she sees you as “her man” or “the one” or whatever she needs to get her mind right to do the right thing.
This becomes immediately obvious to guys as soon as their plans with a woman are disrespected or cancelled at the last minute or not cancelled and she just doesn’t show up, because “who cares?” Who cares about YOU? You’re just another wallet. You’re just another opportunity for sex or a roof over her head or food for her kids. Once guys realize this, they have two options… get depressed or get smart.
So that’s the reason why women can’t trust what men say. Nobody’s interested in telling you the truth. They’re interested in getting what they stepped to you for. If a guy tells you he’d rather have a truthful relationship to his woman than have sex with her, he’s lying……….. or she’s busted.
One of the more hilarious things about this situation is that WOMEN try to give MEN tips on how to pull women… which usually involves some variation of “Be Yourself”. That’s retarded, because what if “yourself” isn’t good enough? You’re supposed to not get laid because you don’t know which one is the soup spoon? You’re supposed to not get laid because “being yourself” is grabbing her ass and telling her she looks HAWT? You’re supposed to not get laid because you’re currently dating 4 other chicks and you ADMIT that to her? Obviously, that’s ridiculous. The advice that women give men benefits WOMEN, not men.
Another problem with the dating scene is that women claim that it’s all about “his heart” and “who he is as a person” and “how he treats her” and then turn around and won’t date a guy that makes less than she does, or a guy that her #*%$ing DOG doesn’t like! :/ When a guy experiences enough of these RETARDED reasons why he can’t get laid, he learns that dating’s like the UFC… You have to take her down (mentally, not physically… stop crying) and you can’t leave it in the hands of the judges.
This is why everything I write is confrontational and about power struggle between men and women. In order to date a chick, you have to fight a war on at least three fronts. You’re fighting against her other suitors (”the next man”), you’re fighting against her own stupid ideas (”my dog doesn’t like him, so…”) and you’re fighting against her nosey girlfriends throwing in their two cents (”you can do better than him!”).
You can’t even relax after you GET her, because the cheating/divorce rates hover around 50%, so only HALF of the guys that go through all the trouble to pull ONE chick get to have her exclusively. Dating is constantly stressful to the guy that understands what time it is. He has to remain on-point and vigilant. He has to maintain his position with her as #1 in order to keep her useful and reliable. The Fellaz know I’m right! How USELESS does a chick become right after your relationship is over?
So, yeah. The smart guy does NOT let it go to a decision and leave it in the hands of the judges. He sees what he wants and makes moves to get it. Business is Business. Having said that… running game isn’t for the faint of heart. A lot of guys become MORE depressed about the fact that they have to connive women to have sex with them than they were about the fact that they couldn’t get on in the first place. It’s also potentially depressing how easily women are tricked with bullshit statements like “I love you” and “we’re together” and “I’m not seeing anyone else”……. It’s depressing because you know she doesn’t actually like YOU or know anything about YOU, but by doing some basic and effective tactics, you got what you wanted from her…. or, at least what you THOUGHT you wanted until you actually got it.
So… A few hours ago @ Brian’s party, The Kid made a new friend… Well… Until she actually reads my blog, hahaha Her name is Jess, and she blogs @ Jess and Josh Talk About Stuff.
So, naturally, this morning, the mandatory e-Stalking session was in order.
I thought I’d comment on some excerpts from Jess’ series…..
“Jezebel just posted an article analyzing CNN’s lovely story entitled, “Catcalls – Creepy or Complimentary?” Hey, CNN – allow me to answer that question for you, since as a PYT living in New York, I am constantly the victim of bordering-on-sexual-harassment-catcalls.”
I’ll assume that PYT stands for “Pretty, Young Thing”, derived from Michael Jackson’s record. If it’s something else, someone let me know!
“Not only is it creepy, but it’s objectifying and downright annoying. I have never once stopped in my tracks, looked at my perp in the eye, sincerely thanked him and then handed him my number.”
“So why do men continue to catcall?”
Personally, I don’t indulge… but I see why a lot of guys do it. We’ll get to that later.
I don’t bother with catcalling because a) it doesn’t work, and b) it totally goes against my personal style. If you tell a chick how fine she is the first time you ever lay eyes on her walking down the street, you already gave your entire game away. You don’t have any leverage, because she knows you’re sweating her. It’s a Cro-Mag move, and really base… simplistic. If that’s how you want to present yourself to a chick you’re tryinna kick it to, be my guest.
Actually, I shouldn’t say it DOESN’T work… It’s actually a low-percentage play. IF the chick likes you, AND she doesn’t penalize you for your primitive tactics, you can get on. Quick & Dirty. Done Deal. If she doesn’t like you, no dice. If she liked you until you opened your mouth, no dice. What’s immediately obvious, however, is that if she likes you already, your comment to her actually did you no good. You didn’t GAIN anything by catcalling her (catcalling AT her?), and could have still pulled the digits if you hadn’t said anything at all… OR if you had said something decent or respectful, such as “hello”.
“Is it in their genes? Is it a cultural thing, since many of the men who vocalize appreciation for my “beauty” tend to be Hispanic and African American? (Though, yeah, some are white – and many of them are asshole Wall Street guys).”
hehehe This is a good question. Having met Jess in person, her results are going to be skewed because of her body type. In General, hispanic and black guys are going to be more physically attracted to her and white guys are going to be less physically attracted to her.
Having said that, I think that guys, black, white or otherwise will be more apt to catcall if they’ve experienced success with that tactic in the past, so I think it’s less “cultural” and more “situational”. Also, a lot of the white guys in NYC are imports. They’re not FROM NYC. They’re not used to walking past 8 or 9 girls on one block that they’d hook up with, so they never developed any street game. Some guys don’t even feel like talking to chicks in the street is appropriate at all.
“It’s a feminist issue, but it’s also a human issue. Why have so many women simply accepted this kind of harassment as part of the female job description?”
Partially, because women can’t win this situation. If you keep walking, he “wins”, or at least, he didn’t lose anything, because you would have kept walking anyway if he hadn’t tried to “throw his hat in the ring” (unless you were into him until he catcalled, as I explained earlier). If you stop and talk to him, he wins. That’s what he wanted. Even if you react negatively towards him, he’s still getting your time and attention and he doesn’t care what you think anyway, so all you’re doing by talking to him is giving him a chance to try to get on.
Of course, I’m talking about non-workplace situations.
“It doesn’t matter what I’m wearing, either. I’ve been hit on on my way home from the gym, red-faced, pony-tailed, wearing sweats and coated in a sheet of sweat (er, excuse me – glistening).”
Already covered => “Does it matter what women think?”. Basically, what you think of YOUR looks / attire has ZERO bearing on HIS interest in you. Also, your lack of indication that you want him (or anyone) to talk to you is completely irrelevant.
The entire point is Desire Fulfillment. His.
“This initial graph shows that the majority of men actually did want to pursue something with me beyond catcalling, which was… unexpected, especially considering it’s strange that they would use such a relatively offensive method of catching my attention if they actually wanted to go on a date with me. Or maybe they were caught off guard since I’m sure they never get a positive response from the women they verbally harass. Upon approaching them, they appeared rather flustered but still semi-confident. I gave them each fake phone numbers. Sorry, boys.”
This is why I mentioned success rates and “street game” earlier. Catcalling isn’t a “Never” proposition… it’s only “Low Percentage”. You can definitely get on with catcalling, and there are guys that do it all the time, I’m sure. My point earlier was that they don’t actually NEED to catcall, because the only reason they’d be successful is if the chick was already attracted to them.
The fact remains that there are gals that respond to catcalling AND will give it up relatively quickly thereafter…. um…. actually, that’s probably one of the benefits, hahaha. If you can pick her up by yelling at her in the street, she should be an easy lay. It’s kind of like a poor way to weed out chicks that you might have to put in some work to get.
“Woo! I don’t know if it’s the impending heatwave or the fact that I’m wearing a belted t-shirt as a dress, but every construction worker and his brother-in-law wanted to bang this hot mami this morning. Or, so they verbalized.”
“An anonymous commenter brought up the excellent point that just because the men positively embrace my response to their jeers, it does not mean they want to date me. Instead, it probably means they just want to fuck me.”
The difference being……..?
“So now we will operate under the premise that when they ask for my phone number they are simply trying to get in my pants.”
ummm….. Of Course. That’s all that’s going on. Guys are taking shots in the dark at getting laid.
There’s an endless supply of chicks in this town. By one report, there are 210,820 excess single women in NYC. This means that when it comes to kicking game, women are completely expendable. You can ruin a rap to 50 chicks every single day and NEVER run out of chicks to meet in this town that have never seen you before in their lives. I met Jess approximately 12 hours ago, read her blog this morning and blogged about it this afternoon. I met chicks the day before yesterday, and I’m going to meet more today.
The point is that catcalling is a last ditch effort, even if a lot of guys use it as their first attempt at kicking it to a chick. It’s low percentage, but it doesn’t matter if you burn that bridge. There are another couple of hundred thousand chicks to try to get on with before the end of the construction day.
“… If any fellow catcallers and readers of Jess and Josh want to take on this task and report back, we would be very grateful. Otherwise, I guess we’ll all have to keep on wondering… why men do the things they do zomg lolz.”
I think by now, I’ve gone over the basic points. When it comes to trying to get laid in a city with an endless supply of females, taking shots in the dark is a low-percentage play that MIGHT score you a chick that will give it up quick. Even if she hates you after the fact, it’s irrelevant, because there are another 210,000 of her that you haven’t offended yet. On top of that, there are women that will take ANY showing of attention from a guy as a compliment, due to an extreme lack of self-esteem. With so many extra females, every so often, you’re bound to run into one that’s tired of not getting some herself, and is susceptible to hooking up with some guy that catcalled her for her own personal pleasure.
As far as “dating”… Dating is just setting up opportunities to get laid, so we end up back at the nitty-gritty. He doesn’t care what you say. He doesn’t care what you think. He DOES care what you look like and that he’s physically turned on by you, and decides to utilize his primitive skillz to try to pick up women on the fly.
It doesn’t matter that you’re dressed in sweats and a hoodie. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t look at him or say anything to him to indicate that you wanted to be rapped to……
Having said all that…
I was chatting with Lux earlier, and her take is that catcalling isn’t really about sex… it’s about power.
That’s a discussion for another day. All I can express is the point of view of someone that knows professional catcallers and has the opportunity to catcall chicks every day. I opt out, because it’s low-percentage as well as low-brow. Catcalling usually indicates either desperation or disrespect. Neither one is good.
There are classier ways to throw your hat in the ring when you’re crossing a woman’s path that you’ll never see again in this city of millions.
It’s a typical rap move to “buy a girl a drink”. You see a gal you’d like to kick it with, but you don’t have the nerve to walk up to her, introduce yourself and start talking. So, somehow, it’s been passed down through the ages that buying her a drink is a good way to get your foot in the door. Well, encyclopedia salesmen get their feet in doors as well. Let’s examine how you look when your opener is to give away stuff to chicks for free that you had to spend your hard-earned money to get.
First of all, let’s talk about your money. Unless you have the hookup at the bar (or happen to own it), you have to spend money to buy her that drink. Let’s say your ass works for minimum wage (whatever THAT is these days)… I’ll guess that minimum wage is $10/hour, and depending where you are, it could run you $7 plus tip for a pint of beer. Let’s not even talk about those colorful mixed drinks chicks like to lamp with! So… Essentially… By buying her a drink, that means you just worked about 45 minutes for her. Even if we boost your ducats so that you’re only working 20 minutes for her… is that what you *really* want to do? If you walked up to a chick and she said you could talk to her after you mowed her lawn and raked her leaves, would you do it?
Now, you might be thinking “stop being cheap… it’s only either $10 or 20 minutes’ worth of manual labor, and I might get on tonight”. While I understand that professional prostitutes cost much more than that… Since, by definition, you’re approaching her for the first time in life… There’s NO WAY that she’s done anything FOR YOU that warrants you buying her something. Does that make sense? Get it? She’s done NOTHING, and you’re giving her SOMETHING… ANYTHING… ‘Doesn’t matter what it is. The only thing worse than rewarding her for NO behavior is rewarding her for BAD behavior. That’s a completely different topic, though.
By giving her stuff right off the bat, you’re letting her know that regardless of what she does, you’re willing to shell out. What if she thanks you for the drink and walks away from you as soon as you hand it to her? HAHAHAHA What if she doesn’t *even* say “Thank You”? What’reyagonnado? Take your drink back? Drink the Apple Martini for her? No. You’re gonna “take a short”, is what you’re gonna do. Are you aware that there are chicks that go out to clubs DELIBERATELY with no money, because they know there are so many guys just.like.you that will pay for them to drink all night for the potential opportunity to smack it up, flip it, rub it down, OH NOOOOO!
That’s another thing. When you kick game, you want to seem UNIQUE… not TYPICAL. Try your best not to make yourself indistinguishable from the other 30 guys that stepped to her with the exact same line and the exact same offer of free stuff that she doesn’t even deserve yet. Not getting it? Let’s look at the flip side. Let’s say YOU were in the club, and a chick walked up to you out of the blue wanting to go home with you….. Now, there are some guys that can graciously accept that and go get their groove on. There are A LOT OF GUYS that will see that chick as loose, easy, a ho, desperate, whatever it is, they’re going to low-rate her for giving them something for nothing. Am I right? Have you seen this happen or heard of it from your boys or your girls? Uh-huh…
OTOH, if you actually KNOW someone and want to buy them a drink to show them that you enjoy their company or value them as a friend, by all means, that’s a great gesture that people appreciate. Similarly, if you met her just now and had a nice conversation and you’re *NOW* feeling goodwill towards her, offering to get her something as you excuse yourself to go to the bar is a classy and chivalrous gesture. You’re rewarding GOOD behavior. You’re letting her know that you appreciate her for her personality and the way she carries herself.
I mean, it’s not like you’re slick. Everybody knows what you’re doing. Everybody knows why you offered HER a drink and ignored her busted homegirl. Everybody knows you’re trying to bribe her with $7 worth of alcohol. Everybody knows you’re hoping that drink “loosens her morals”.
Maybe next time, get yourself together, step to her honorably and let her know why you came over there. Maybe she’ll find you refreshing instead of redundant. Maybe if you represent yourself properly, she’ll buy YOU a drink!
SlightlyScared: “I recently met a woman online through Twitter that I think might be a worthy woman for me to hang my long-time bachelor status for. We’ve been talking via instant messenger and she seems read and incredible. There are pictures of her online, she seems to be open about herself, has a web site, etc. We haven’t talked on the phone or really talked about anything personal and I can’t think of a way to move to the phone without giving away I like her more than a chat buddy. There isn’t a reason for us to talk on the phone and I don’t want to scare her off. I can walk up to a woman anywhere but this woman I am anxious about the things I do. DatingGenius, do you have any advice? Tyme, would you push a man away if he wanted to talk on the phone? It would mean giving up her phone number and some women hesitate on that. Thanks in advance.”
I meant to write about that directly, but there’s a more general issue that needs to be addressed.
For all the talk of “women’s intuition”, women are ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS about when a guy likes them. Completely. … This works to you advantage and also to your disadvantage.
It works to your advantage because you get to avoid the path of redundant self-desctruction which is turning a perfectly good female friend into an ex-girlfriend. See… Chicks can’t take it that you just plain think they’re hawt and you like hanging out with them and messing with them. They have to get *GREEDY*! They start envisioning dating you, then being engaged to you then being married to you then having kids with you blah blah blah blah blah….. This is why it’s ALWAYS chicks that want to “have the talk”… “Where is this relationship going? ” … “What are we to each other? ” … “Are we ’serious’?” HAHAHAHAHAHA
You can avoid all this by just not kicking it to them in the first place and remaining their friend. You get MUCH more utility out of a chick as a friend than you would as a girlfriend. She will MIND HER BUSINESS when some other chick wants to kick it to you. It’s no big deal to her if you don’t call her for a week or two. You can go out with her all you want and survive multiple iterations of boyfriends.
It’s the best thing in the world to be friends with hot chicks, because they have no shelf-life. No expiration date. You get to keep them forever, and their boyfriends only have them for a few months or years at a time, and then they disappear like dust in the wind. Never to be mentioned again. Never to be seen again. Like some effing GHOSTS. Gone. Nobody. Nothing. Meanwhile, you’re still meeting up with her for drinks like you did before THIS boyfriend and like you did before the boyfriend before HIM……
Now, the DISADVANTAGE IS that while you’re “being her friend”, if your actual goal was to be her BOYFRIEND, she’s completely oblivious to your intentions. Most chicks in this United States society are pair-bonders. They’re looking to hook up with ONE guy and stick with him until they croak. By playing the friend role, you’re actually getting FURTHER from being her boyfriend instead of closer. She’s spending time with you, but keeping her eye out for guys that are ABOUT SOMETHING. She’s envisioning two-car garages and kids and dogs and cats and grass you have to mow and mortgages you have to pay and getting together at her grandparents’ house on Sundays. The more you play that “friend” game, the LESS she thinks of you as a boyfriend.
Think about it… If you were serious about dating her, you would have said so, right? It’s completely erroneous to believe that friendship -> dating. It *CAN*, but most of the time, chicks are pretty quick. They play it off like they don’t like you, but they can feel it deep down inside. They know if they want to get with you practically immediately. If she decides that you’re boyfriend material, and you’re busy playing the friend role, you know what’s going to happen? She’s going to shut down.
As much as GUYS hate rejection, chicks hate it way more. If she’s into you and you’re not clearly into her, she may suck it up…. suppress it. I mean, if she believes in “the one” (which is an entirely different topic :/), HOW can you be “the one” when you’re right there in her face and you’re only interested in her as a friend? If you were “the one”, wouldn’t YOU feel what SHE’S feeling? Does that make sense? By playing the friend role, when you really mean to date her, you’re actually negating yourself as her “knight in shining armor” that’s going to scoop her up and take her away from the dating scene.
When are you going to pull the trigger? When are you going to turn the corner? You’re asking how to get from IM to phone without “giving away that you like her more than a chat buddy”. What’s the future of that? Think about it? “How do I get her to video chat with me without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I invite her out to dinner without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I take her to the movies without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I get her to come to the crib without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I get her to cook for me without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I make out with her without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I have sex with her without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” ………
See what I mean? It has to end somewhere. Sooner or later, you’re going to do something that makes her go “hey….. I think this guy’s attracted to me like that…” What happens then? What’s your plan after that? It’s a really good idea to assume that she’s completely CLUELESS that you’re romantically interested in her. As a matter of fact, keep it up with this “friends” tactic, and when you finally drop it, she MAY NOT EVEN BELIEVE YOU! How about that? How would you like that?
The trick here is that as poor judges of character as women are, they THINK they’re excellent judges of character. By the time you jump out of the cake like “SURPRISE!!! I LIKE YOU!!! ”, she’s already used her superior intuition to determine that you DON’T like her, or else you would have tried something by now. So now you’re stuck. She thinks you’re kidding, because in order to believe you, she’d have to admit that she ISN’T a good judge of character, and that you wanted her, BADLY, all this time, and she never noticed it. This leads her into a state of Cognitive Dissonance. Click that link and read about it. It’s very useful, if you know what to do with it, but if you don’t, it could be a rap-destroyer… AND a potential friend-destroyer.
So… My answer to the question is to forget about keeping the wool pulled over her eyes. Think about how you’re going to get from your current “friendship” to the relationship you *ACTUALLY* want. And think about it SOON, before the next man steps up and scoops your chick.
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Yadda Yadda Yadda Blah Blah Blah EVERY.SINGLE.EFFIN’.DAY, some chick is confused about why a guy keeps trying to kick it to her. It’s very simple. He’s kicking it to you because HE.WANTS.TO.GET.WITH.YOU, *PERIOD*! He’s not interested in what you think about it. He’s not interested in what you have to say about it.
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I feel that. He doesn’t care if he wants sex. I’m going to look on DatingGenius to see if there is a guide on how to tell if a man wants sex or a relationship. I think the man that wants a relationship cares what the woman thinks, right?
There are a lot of interesting points here, Helene…. First of all, that post was written specifically to address the situation of women being clueless as to why a guy doesn’t stop kicking it to them when she indicates disinterest or even disgust. The fact of the matter is that he’s not approaching you to get your opinion on things or to discuss politics. He finds you physically attractive or there’s something else about you that he likes (you have money, good child-bearing hips, whatever…) that he’s approaching you for. What you think about it is of no consequence whatsoever. The bottom line is desire-fulfillment… HIS, not YOURS.
As an example, I was walking with a blabbermouth friend of mine the other week, and in the process of making a point to her, I mentioned that her homegirl was attractive. I wasn’t telling her that so she could go blab it to her girl like she BLABS everything else. I was trying to make a general point based on a specific situation my friend was privy to. Before I got to say what I really wanted to say, she goes “Oh… She wouldn’t hook up with you. You’re not her type.” Now…. First of all, I didn’t ask my friend what she thought about my ‘chances’ of hooking up with her girl. Second, all she knows about her girl’s “type” is what her girl is willing to TELL HER, so her idea of what her girl’s going to do and what she’s not going to do is completely irrelevant. Third, people are functions of combinations, meaning that how a chick reacts to me has *nothing* to do with how she reacts to anyone else on the planet, so until I kick my game and get on or not, speculation is worthless.
All these things ran through my mind in a split second, and I replied just about right when she finished speaking, “That doesn’t matter”. She looked at me surprised, and tried to protest, but I covered that up with another “That doesn’t matter”. We then went off on the tangent of how “what her girl wants” doesn’t factor in AT ALL to my initial attraction to her. Forget about the fact that she IS NOT her girl, so she has NO IDEA what her girl does behind closed doors. Even if she knew for sure that her girl didn’t like me for whatever reason, it’s of no consequence, because I’m talking about what motivates *ME*. I’m talking about what propels me to focus on HER and interact with HER instead of someone else.
This is why chicks would be better off if they recognized WHY a guy is talking to them in the first place. Without that knowledge, you’re grasping at straws when you try to figure out anything else about your relationship to that guy.
As another example, I was waiting for a bus with a crowd of people. This girl walks past at least eight other breathing, standing human beings to come up to me and ask me if I knew what time it was. I told her that I didn’t, and showed her that I don’t wear a watch, which I don’t, because I don’t *care* what time it is. The next thing that happened was…… She stayed right there and continued talking to me. Now… What happened to her desire to find out what time it was? *POOF* Gone, into thin air. Had she actually been interested in the time, she would have A) stopped at the FIRST person she saw to ask what time it was, and then made her way down the line, or B) if she DID walk all the way past them to ask me, she would have asked someone else right after I demonstrated the inability to tell her what time it was. She did neither, so the obvious inference is that she wanted to talk to me and used “Do you know what time it is” as the ice-breaker.
Now, let’s apply this to the club! When that guy buys you that drink, what do you think he’s trying to do? Do you think he thought you looked thirsty? Do you think he thought you looked *BROKE*, and he likes to hand out charity by buying drinks for destitute women? Did he buy any GUYS a drink? How about any UNATTRACTIVE WOMEN? ‘:) There are two reasons he’s offering to buy you a drink. He wants you to get more drunk than you already are, AND (drumroll) he’s trying to get on.
You can THINK whatever you want… He’s a nice guy. He’s generous. He respects you. He’s interested in what you have to say or what you think. He likes the same music you do… He doesn’t like the same music you do, he dresses poorly, he’s a creep, he can’t spell, he doesn’t pronounce consonants when he speaks, he’s a Cro-Mag……… NONE of that matters, pro or con. It matters as far as how tough or easy it is for him to get on, but your opinion of him is irrelevant and worthless when it comes to what he’s trying to do at that point.
As a matter of fact, a good rule of thumb is “If he didn’t ask you, he doesn’t care.”
Which brings us to your actual question, “Does the man who wants a relationship care what you think?”
The guy who wants a relationship had better care what his woman thinks. However, first of all, he’d better care that she thinks AT ALL. There are lots of guys and gals running around this planet with ZERO common sense, or at least little enough common sense to land them on the Maury Povich show having paternity tests done on several guys. Considering that there are only about 10 days in a month when you can actually get a girl pregnant, and you can count backwards to the month she became pregnant, that means that every single guy she has on stage with her tapped it within a 10-day period. Considering some chicks’ in-da-club behaviors, if those 10 days spanned two weekends, we could expect four guys to be sitting on the stage, Friday Night (day 1), Saturday Night (day 2), Friday Night (day 8 ) and Saturday Night (day 9). Now, that’s bad enough, but if there are more than four guys on the stage…. smh.
This is why the guy who wants a relationship is hoping that his potential girlfrend/wife’s brain works at all. There’s *NOTHING* wrong with a chick getting her groove on as much as she wants to with whomever she wants to. However, if you’re going to be in a ‘committed’ relationship with her, you would like to believe that any kids that appear during that relationship are in fact… yours.
You also want to be able to take her places. When they have those couples get-togethers or business dinners, you want to be able to walk in with her on your arm and have people as impressed with her personality and mental faculties as with her looks. If you accept her without intelligence, you could be sabotaging your own career advancement while she talks some ignant ghetto ish to your COO. :/ Your girl is a reflection of YOU, so if you’re going for a relationship, aim as HIGH (mentally) as you possibly CAN!
Also, in a relationship situation, a guy needs to know what his girl thinks so he can strive to make HER happy while he makes HIMSELF happy. You would hope that’s a goal of his in hooking up with her long-term.
Having said that… Like I said above, if he doesn’t ask you, he doesn’t care. If he’s minding his business, like he loves to do, and watching the game or something, and you come in blabbing about gossip from the job, he might listen to you as a FAVOR to you or to make sure he can get on later this evening, but no, he doesn’t CARE about that. If he did, he would have said “How was work today, dear? Was that chick still gossiping?” This is a totally different issue, so I won’t get into it here, but basically, you should get a checklist of the things he actually CARES about so that if you want to talk to him about something and have him actually interested and ENGAGED in the conversation, you know the parameters.
How To Tell if he wants sex or a relationship? Well… First of all, it’s not *OR*. It’s *AND*. He either wants sex and for you to break north… or he wants sex and for you to stay around and hang out with him. The SEX part is a given, otherwise, similar to the girl that asked me for the time, he’d be kicking it with someone OTHER THAN YOU!
Think about it. The way relationships in the USA are set up, being BF/GF / Engaged / Married implies that you’re not having sex with anyone except your SO. Why in the world would someone attach themselves to someone they didn’t intend to have sex with? On top of that, lots of guys want to have kids. Sure they could go the test tube or adoption route, but MOST OF THE TIME, they’re going to want to have their kids the old fashioned way…
By mistake.
Anyway…
If it’s possible at all, I would say the way to tell that he wants a relationship is by how much he focuses on your PERSONALITY. How interested is he in getting to know YOU? What you’re about… What makes you tick… What makes you happy… What you don’t like… The intelligent guy is going to want to know A LOT about a chick he intends to make his S.O.
The problem with this personality-based theory is that, like Omar says, “It’s all in the game”. Guys already know what women are looking out for as cues that they’re interested in more than sex. Knowing the cues makes it easy to “Fake it ’till you make it”.
So… the best thing women can hope for is to meet guys through trusted friends that are willing to vouch for their character and keep your fingers crossed!
So, I’m talking to this fun and attractive young lady the other day while I’m hanging out with some friends. I’m not going to mention her name (not that I ever do, haha) because she actively hides from Social Media, but let’s say she’s “an accountant”.
What I should have said was that I had the rare opportunity to watch some creep I don’t know operate, and because of that, I can now write up my favorite tips on how to *NOT* be a creep: 
Let me tell you what’s going on.
This is PRIME TIME for meeting women and starting new relationships. Also, if you start a new relationship NOW, it’s too early for her to expect an expensive gift from you. 
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