Bill Cammack » get over http://billcammack.com Mon, 30 Jan 2012 22:01:23 +0000 en-us hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Maury Show Tips: 02 – Surviving The Lie Detector Test http://billcammack.com/2008/12/26/maury-show-tips-02-surviving-the-lie-detector-test/ http://billcammack.com/2008/12/26/maury-show-tips-02-surviving-the-lie-detector-test/#comments Fri, 26 Dec 2008 15:04:20 +0000 Bill Cammack idiot idiot ratings galore guest multiple episodes pass the lie detector test don pass the lie detector test there lying the polygraph examination sleeve the lie detector test like yayayayayayayayayayaaaaaaaaa and the polygraph examiner idiot idiot ratings galore guest multiple episodes pass the lie detector test don pass the lie detector test there sleeve the lie detector test like lying the polygraph examination yayayayayayayayayayaaaaaaaaa and the polygraph examiner idiot idiot ratings galore guest multiple episodes pass the lie detector test don pass the lie detector test there sleeve the lie detector test like lying the polygraph examination idiot idiot ratings galore guest multiple episodes pass the lie detector test don pass the lie detector test there sleeve the lie detector test like idiot idiot ratings galore guest multiple episodes pass the lie detector test there pass the lie detector test don sleeve the lie detector test like http://billcammack.com/?p=2826

We’ve already established in “Maury Show Tips: 01 – You Are An Idiot” that if The Maury Show calls you AT ALL, then either YOU are an idiot, your girlfriend is an idiot or BOTH OF YOU are idiots. That means there’s a 66% chance that you are an idiot, which is higher than 50%, so let’s just assume that it’s YOU. Here’s the proof:

You + Her = Result
================
Smart + Smart = Rejected. Never seen on the show [25%]
Smart + Idiot = She did something that will embarrass you = Guest [25%]
Idiot + Smart = You did something that will embarrass her = Guest [25%]
Idiot + Idiot = Ratings Galore = GUEST!!! (multiple episodes) [25%]

Now, because you’ve been invited as a guest, we can throw out Smart+Smart, which leaves us with two slots where you are an idiot and one slot where you are not = 66% chance that the idiot is YOU.

If your girl happens NOT to be an idiot (which, BTW… you wouldn’t be smart enough to figure out), then we can rule out the Paternity Test series. The only trick The Maury Show has left up its sleeve is The Lie Detector Test.

Like I mentioned previously, even the secretary who buzzed you in the security door to the studio is more educated than you are. PLEASE do yourself a favor and FORGET ABOUT TRICKING AN-NY-BOD-DEE until you get back out in the street, like FAR AWAY from the studio and make sure you turn a couple of corners so their outside cameras can’t see you either.

Of course, the entire point of this series is that you’re not going to take my advice and stay off the show, so here’s how to carry yourself when you’re a guest on the Lie Detector Test episodes:

1) How to pass the Lie Detector Test

There’s a very simple way to pass the Lie Detector Test……

Don’t lie.

The Maury Show hires professionals to administer the polygraph examinations… oh… sorry… I mean the Lie Detector Tests (let me not confuse you). These people catch ACTUAL. CRIMINALS. who did stuff they REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, *REALLY* don’t want to get caught for. You, my friend, are the proverbial “fish in a barrel”. They can break you WITHOUT hooking you up to the machine. For instance, the next time you want to know the truth about something, ask the person to their face and don’t blink while they’re processing what you said. If their eyes dart in one direction, they’re accessing actual memories. If their eyes go the other way, they’re MAKING. $#&%. UP! These people can tell by how much you start blinking or sweating what time it is. They don’t even NEED the needle to jump… So if you get strapped in for that test, TELL. THE. TRUTH!

Telling The Truth is the semi-valiant way to “survive” a Lie Detector Test episode. You’re going to come out looking bad either way, so if you’re strapped in, and you know damned well you’re about to lie… give up the ghost. Admit to what you did. That way, when you walk out on stage, you know there aren’t going to be any surprises, AND you know when to grab your girl’s hand, look her in the eye, tell her “You know I love you… right? :D ” and keep holding her hand until she rips it away from you when Maury tells her what you admitted doing with her favorite aunt.

If you go out like a sucker and lie about it, you’ll be sitting there on stage BELIEVING you passed the test, which is when you look like :O just before they cut to an audience shot because your girl hopped up and slapped the $#&% out of you. At least if you tell the truth, you have SOMETHING to lean on when she’s bitchin’ about it backstage, even though she’s going to counter with “Why couldn’t you have just TOLD me???”, and “You brought me on NATIONAL TELEVISION to tell me this???”

2) If you STILL have to try to pass….. :/

If you insist on not taking ANY of my advice and a) Not returning the Maury Show Producer’s call, b) Not showing up to the studio and c) Not lying during the polygraph examination, then your best bet is to “Act As If”.

Now, this takes incredible skill, because you’ll have to translate what the examiner says in your mind, on the fly. To complicate matters, there are positive questions, negative questions and, let’s call them “test” questions. You have to make sure that you have an “Act As If” for the positive and A DIFFERENT ONE for the negative. Meanwhile, you have to tell the truth during the “test” questions, so the examiner knows the machine’s working right.

The “test” questions are very simple. You had to show them ID to get in the studio, so they know what your name is. They called you on the phone, so they know what your number is. They have your address on file. They will throw these questions in so that when you answer them truthfully, the machine indicates that you’re telling the truth (or rather, does NOT indicate deception), and they know the machine is calibrated properly. These questions are a breeze. Here’s the hard part…

The questions that I’m calling “positive” are questions that your girl will be HAPPY if you are telling the truth about these things. When the examiner asks you a “positive” question, such as:

  • Do you like having sex with your wife?
  • Is your wife the love of your life?
  • Do you think your wife is sexy?

    • You have to figure out on the fly that it’s a POSITIVE, and before answering, substitute the name of a chick that you think is attractive…. like, maybe.. Veronica Belmont. :D

    So the questions YOU answer are:

  • Do you like having sex with [Veronica Belmont]?
  • Is [Veronica Belmont] the love of your life?
  • Do you think [Veronica Belmont] is sexy?

    • This way, you can truthfully answer “YES!!!!” to all three questions, and the polygraph will not indicate deception……. Unfortunately, since you’re probably not smart enough to convince yourself that he actually SAID “Veronica Belmont”, you’ll probably Epic Fail, because not only are you lying, you’re lying POORLY. :/

    Same thing goes for the negative questions, such as:

  • DId you have sex with your wife’s favorite aunt?
  • Were you cheating with the woman who owns the panties your wife found under your bed?
  • Did you use the box of condoms in your glove compartment to have sex with other women?

    • You know the drill… Search & Replace. “Act As If”! :D

  • No, I did not have sex with YOUR MOMS!!!
  • No, I was not cheating with YOUR MOMS!!!
  • No, I did not use the box of condoms in my glove compartment ON YOUR MOMS!!!

    • See how simple? :D

    3) Do NOT answer escalating questions

    This is the way Lie Detector Tests work… When you tell the truth, nothing happens. When you attempt deception, the needle goes YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAA and the polygraph examiner knows that you just lied. The problem FOR YOU is that he’s not going to TELL YOU that he knows you lied. Here’s how to tell you just got busted, so you can STFU:

    If dude asks “Did you ever cheat on your wife?” and you KNOW. DAMNED. WELL. that you did, but you answer “No, Sir” anyway (or some variation, “I’d never cheat on my wife”, “My wife is my heart”, “My wife is my whole life”….) and then the next question he asks you is:

    “Have you ever cheated on your wife with FIVE different women?”

    Do. Not. Answer. That. Question!!! You. Have. Been. BUSTED!!! Do Not answer ANY more questions along those lines. You have not cheated on your wife in a box. You have not cheated on your wife with a fox. You have not cheated on your wife for some Green Eggs & Ham. NUTH-THANG!… NOTHING! If you DO answer these questions, that’s when Maury gets to hit you with the double-shot, for the big Ratings Bonus:

    Maury: “When asked if he’s ever cheated on you, he said ‘No’.”
    Girl: :D
    Guy: :D
    Maury: “The Lie Detector Test said that is a lie…”
    Girl: *silent with shock*
    Guy: “What? No Way! I have NEVER!…”
    Maury: “… more than 30 times.”
    Girl: *Falls on floor*
    Guy: *Starts imagining living under a bridge*

    See that? You could have “survived” if you would have STFU when they started asking those escalating questions… “more than 5 times?”… “more than 10 times?”… “more than 30 times?”… Trust & Believe that wherever they stop asking you, you FAILED all the levels below that one.

    4) The Green Room is not PHYSICALLY PAINTED GREEN!!! :/ (idiot)

    “The Green Room” is a term used to mean a holding area for people that are not on the show at that point in time. Yes, it *MIGHT* actually have green walls, but it doesn’t have to. The episode that I saw that inspired this series featured a guy, sitting on a couch, in plain view of the camera, saying something to the effect of:

    “I’m not going in the Green Room man, haha they send girls in there to trick you. I’m staying right here! :D “

    Next thing you know, there’s a white flash, and there’s a girl sitting next to him on a couch. Wait. I need to go off on a tangent. :/

    Dudes… PLEASE do not flatter yourselves that you came all the way from the sticks with your so-so looking girlfriend to New York City, where MILLIONS of people live, and according to disputed reports, there are 210,820 more single women than men, and it just so happens that you sit down on a couch inside a studio with SECURITY, where nobody can just walk in off the street, and some chick who’s there DURING WORK HOURS is gonna walk up to YOU, start a conversation, take her shirt off and make out with you. IT. IS. A. TRAP!… JEEZ! :/

    On top of that, you are there WITH. YOUR. WIFE! (or girlfriend or whatever) After all that trouble you went through to lie your ass off through the polygraph examination, you think it’s a good idea to pick up chicks because your woman isn’t physically in the same ROOM with you? I mean, just because you can’t see your girl with your eyes means you can get away with ANYTHING?

    Here’s your tip #4… Forget about The Green Room. How about, “If you come to NYC to prove to your girl that you’re not cheating, how’s about… NOT CHEATING UNTIL YOU GET BACK HOME?”

    And Then… They don’t even send STUNNING chicks in there! :D They send your regular, average, run of the mill, pass five of them on every single New York City block type chick in there, and you go for it right off the bat! Way to make yourself look selective. Good luck getting a good spot for your cardboard box under that bridge.

    ~Bill

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    ]]>     http://billcammack.com/2008/12/26/maury-show-tips-02-surviving-the-lie-detector-test/feed/ 13     Ladies: How To Get Over Your Ex-Boyfriend http://billcammack.com/2008/11/09/ladies-how-to-get-over-your-ex-boyfriend/ http://billcammack.com/2008/11/09/ladies-how-to-get-over-your-ex-boyfriend/#comments Mon, 10 Nov 2008 03:33:17 +0000 Bill Cammack häagen dazs ice cream häagen dazs ice cream dontdatehimgirl hollabacknyc or häagen dazs woman the strippers at all costs mark my words consume mass quantities etc 3 a male strip club going a male strip club reserve extra nastiness häagen dazs ice cream häagen dazs ice cream dontdatehimgirl hollabacknyc or häagen dazs woman the strippers at all costs mark my words consume mass quantities etc 3 a male strip club going a male strip club reserve extra nastiness häagen dazs ice cream häagen dazs ice cream dontdatehimgirl hollabacknyc or häagen dazs woman the strippers at all costs mark my words consume mass quantities etc 3 a male strip club going a male strip club reserve extra nastiness häagen dazs ice cream häagen dazs ice cream dontdatehimgirl hollabacknyc or häagen dazs woman the strippers at all costs mark my words consume mass quantities etc 3 a male strip club going a male strip club reserve extra nastiness http://billcammack.com/?p=2431

    Last week, I let the fellaz know how to get over an ex-girlfriend. This week, I have tips for the ladies for what to do when that relationship ends….

    1) Consume mass quantities of Häagen-Dazs ice cream

    Häagen-Dazs ice cream is the de facto substitute for sex for women. Everybody knows this. If you haven’t tried it yet, stop reading this post and go get some right now. I’m not sure that there’s one flavor in particular that works across the board, but find the right one, and it’ll tickle your ivories for sure. Similar to dogs for men, Häagen-Dazs is woman’s best friend. Eat enough of it, and you’ll wonder why you cared that your man left you in the first place.

    2) Commiserate with your female friends

    Make sure you tell your girlfriends that you and your man broke up. All of a sudden, they’ll have all these reasons why he was no good for you in the first place, and you’re better off without him. This will make you feel very good… that is… until you realize that they knew all this stuff BEFORE and should have told you about it so you could have dumped HIM before he dumped YOU.

    Make sure you reserve some extra nastiness for the chicks that tell you how your ex has been hitting on them the whole time. As your homegirl, it was their obligation to tell you that your man was trying to get some from them. Also, make sure you add a level to whatever they tell you. That’s how it works with women. If they admit to kissing your man, that means they blew him. If they admit to blowing him, that means they had sex with him, etc.

    3) Go to a male strip club

    Going to a male strip club will remind you that your man was flabby and out of shape to begin with, so to hell with him. :D Just make sure not to overdo it. Avoid actual physical interaction with the strippers AT.ALL.COSTS! Mark my words, you will end up either on an internet site that specializes in that kind of thing, or even worse, on your local public access television station doing what you did, for all to see.

    4) Post about him on the internet

    Mosey on over to DontDateHimGirl or HollaBackNYC (or wherever you live, they have a bunch of HollaBack sites) and drag his name through the mud. Nobody actually reads those sites, but you’ll feel a lot better, because it allows you to commiserate with women around the world instead of just the ones you get to bitch and moan to while waiting to get into spin class.

    5) Get back in shape

    Most likely, the reason he broke up with you (or engineered your breaking up with HIM) is that he lost interest in having sex with you. Getting back in shape will not only make him KICK HIMSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY… but he’ll be insanely jealous of the next man that gets to tap that. He’ll also probably start making moves to get you back, so you get the enjoyment of rejecting him on a daily basis! :D

    In the words of my friend, Patricia…

    ” WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN THAT? :D “

    ~Bill

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    ]]>     http://billcammack.com/2008/11/09/ladies-how-to-get-over-your-ex-boyfriend/feed/ 28     How To Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend http://billcammack.com/2008/11/02/how-to-get-over-your-ex-girlfriend/ http://billcammack.com/2008/11/02/how-to-get-over-your-ex-girlfriend/#comments Sun, 02 Nov 2008 13:24:53 +0000 Bill Cammack muffin tops pee wee herman maternity dresses besides women extremely emotionally volatile catty mediocre feeling exponentially worse eeeh an upgrade depending figure buying boats and cars working the overnight shift the alimony and child support non americans banging muffin tops pee wee herman maternity dresses besides women extremely emotionally volatile catty mediocre feeling exponentially worse eeeh an upgrade depending figure buying boats and cars working the overnight shift the alimony and child support non americans banging muffin tops pee wee herman maternity dresses besides women extremely emotionally volatile catty mediocre feeling exponentially worse 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    When a woman leaves you, you may feel heartbroken, depressed, wistful, horny, betrayed, disappointed… :( any number of feelings, consecutively or simultaneously. Here are five tips on how to move on with your life, and learn to love again………

    1) Have sex with her sister

    hahahahaha Just Kidding! :D

    … unless her sister’s HAWT!

    This won’t help you feel better about yourself if her sister’s like “eeeh, ok”, because she’s not an upgrade. Depending on how mediocre she is, you may end up feeling EXPONENTIALLY WORSE! :(

    Also, this does NOT… repeat… DOES *NOT* work with her best-girlfriend! Do Not Make This Mistake. A lot of women are extremely emotionally volatile & catty. Their friendships with other women turn on a dime… like happened in her relationship to YOU! :D This means that there’s the potential that in the very near future, your ex-girlfriend won’t care AT ALL about you banging her friend, so you basically wasted your time. (Note for non-Americans… “Banging” is a slang term for “having sex”, most likely derived from the sound the woman’s head makes against the headboard)

    2) Have sex with her mother

    ok, *NOW* I’m kidding! :D

    … unless her mother’s RICH!…….. and HAWT!

    3) Get a hobby

    Take that extra energy that you have, now that you’re not tappin’ that three times a day, and start working out. You want to meet women in the gym anyway, because they’re WYSIWYG. They don’t get to hide their muffin-tops under those Pee-wee Herman maternity dresses.

    Besides… You were probably getting flabby anyway, since you knew you were going to get laid, regardless, so working out is a double-win for you.

    4) Make tons of money

    The best revenge is living well. Now that she’s not with you, buy that yacht and sail past her house every Saturday with your new girlfriends that you picked up at the gym! :D Rev your new Ferrari’s engine outside that diner where she’s working the overnight shift to make ends meet after her regular job on the assembly line at the sock factory.

    oh… wait….. Make sure you didn’t have any kids with her before y’all broke up! If you did, skip this tip, because the more money you make, the more you have to give her in alimony and child support, so you’d actually be better off trying to figure out how to get her back instead of buying boats and cars. :D

    5) Drink alcohol

    Helps you forget your ex ever existed and makes her sister look better, in case you decide to try #1. :D

    ~Bill

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