Reader “Katie” asked me when I felt people who have just started dating should add each other on Facebook.

This is a very interesting question, and potentially complicated.

It depends both on how people utilize Facebook and how they date.

We’re Not Friends

I completely believe that men and women can be friends. I have lots of female friends. That doesn’t mean I’m not messing with or hooking up with any of them. It means that I like them as people and would spend time with them whether we were gettin’ it in or not.

Having said that.. For the most part, guys and gals that begin dating each other aren’t friends at all. They both want something from each other. It’s a dual-parasitic relationship, not two people working towards a common goal and focusing on togetherness.

This becomes obvious when one or both people no longer get what they want from the other one. Next thing you know, they never speak to each other again. That’s because their physical, sexual, sensual, romantic or whatever you want to call it interaction or attraction was the only glue that held their so-called “relationship” together. As soon as one ceases to derive their desired utility from the other one, that’s all she wrote.

If this is the way you date, you most definitely shouldn’t add people you interact with on Facebook. It’s only going to lead to a bunch of unfriending, which isn’t a good look at all.

Who Do You Add?

I was at a party one time that was thrown by a friend, and at some point, I met this gal and her boss and we were discussing social media & whatnot. This went on for about 20 minutes, and the boss walks away to get another round or talk to someone else. I say to this chick “Are you on Facebook?”… She replies “Yes, but I only add people that I know, IRL (meaning: in real life)”.

So I’m just standing there, looking at her.

She’s standing there like she just said something that makes sense.

I’m looking at her, not saying anything, thinking “You really are stupid aren’t you? :D .. We’re IRL RIGHT. NOW., you idiot. Either say you’re on FB and don’t want to add me… or add me”.

Another time, I met this gal, kicked it with her for a good amount of time at a party, and then when the FB question came up, she goes “You can ‘like’ my fan page! :D”, when I already had like 35 mutual friends with her actual Facebook account. GEEEEEEEEEEEET THE **** OUTTA HERE!!! >:D

More recently, I was introduced to this chick by a good friend of mine. When the question came up, the produced a business card that indicated that she was some kind of entertainer and had her FB fan page on it and other types of GO JOCK ME information. Unfortunately, I don’t carry a lighter with me, or else I would have set it on fire in front of her face. :D Do I look like a booking agent? Do I look like a talent scout? Did someone tell you I was looking to hire actresses or comedians?

Of course, I have my own FB fan page, but you’ll notice that I have 135 fans and 121 of them are friends of mine. Meanwhile… I have 2626 Facebook Friends on my actual page. I meet people all the time, and usually go +4 to +7 on Facebook just about any time I attend an event, party or get-together.

I don’t add people so they can sweat me or so my fan page can look like I have a lot of followers. :/ I add them because I’m interested in knowing whatever they want me to know, which is whatever they post to their social media streams. This is why it’s the big **** YOU!!! when people you meet in person go “You can become a fan of mine! :D”. They’re telling you to your face that they want the credit of your following them, but they don’t give a flying **** about anything that YOU post to the net.

No Thanks. Ain’t That Type-a Party. >:D

What Do You Share?

So.. Depending on how you view people you’re dating, you’re going to consider them friends, or you’re not. On Facebook, you’re either going to add everybody, add people that you’ve actually met, or add people that you feel like you’re going to be friends with going forward.

These are going to be the main two factors which determine whether you add a “love interest” as one of your FB friends. A third factor, however, is what you actually SHARE on Facebook.

Some people, every time you turn around, there are another 100 pictures of them from last weekend. It’s like they use still cameras as if they’re video cameras. There’s like one picture from just about every single minute since the last time you checked their profile. You know who they hung out with, where they went, what they did, what they drank, who they messed with, whose house they ended up at when the night was over…

Other people keep it tight, posting comments about social media or charities or business. They don’t actually reveal ANYTHING about their personal lives on Facebook, which means that a) there’s no reason for them to add you, because you’re not going to get anything out of reading their stream, and b) there’s no reason for them NOT to add you, because you can’t find anything out about them that might cause you to not date them.

I believe that this is where the opinions diverge, as far as adding people you’re dating as Facebook friends. You’re either from the school of “They’re going to find out, anyway, so I want them to know what my steeze is ASAP”, or the school of “I hope they don’t find out who I know and what I do and ‘judge me’ before getting to know me as a person”.

Hit The Bricks / Kick Rocks

I personally try to keep my online presence as congruent with my IRL demeanor & presentation as possible.

This is because, ultimately, what we do online is vet people to determine whether we’d hang out with them in person. I’ve met lots of people that are playing a character when they’re online. It doesn’t generally work well for them, because when people meet them IRL, they’re expecting to be this person that only exists when they’re filming themselves with their own cameras and reciting lines from their own scripts.

I’m not having fun if I’m not being myself. Being Me is LOTS of fun! >:D If people can’t stand what I write or what I post to the internet, they’re SURELY not going to be able to hang out with me IRL, because we get right down to the nitty gritty and the real deal when we’re debating relationships live, over brews.

I’m not interested in spending time with people that aren’t willing to get down & dirty. Those people can change the channel. Hit the bricks. Kick rocks. Take a long walk on a short plank. Don’t let the door hit’cha where the Good Lord split’cha.

So, I’m on the “Add Everybody ASAP” side of things. If I meet a gal that I’d like to mess with, I’m going to offer her a Friends Request. If I meet a gal that I WOULDN’T like to mess with, but she’s cool or intelligent or whatever, and I’d like to keep up with her social media offerings, I’m going to offer her a Friends Request. If I meet a gal and think she’s a JERK, I’m not going to say anything to her at all……………. unless, of course, she’s *FOYINE*!!! >:D

Then again, I can afford to do that.. Not only because I already have a couple thousand Facebook friends, so what difference does it make if some chick sees how I conduct myself online and unfriends me, but because that’s how I feel people build strong, authentic communities. Whomever doesn’t want to be around can bounce. That leaves only the people that want to interact with you, which is what you were striving for to begin with.

So I say that if people are planning to date each other, they should friend each other on Facebook, immediately. Get the information out in the open and if they still want to kick it with you, great. If they don’t, great.

Bait & Switch

The other school of thought says that people that start dating should NOT friend each other on Facebook.

The overall gist seems to be that the goal is to avoid being ‘judged’ by someone before they get to know you 1-on-1.

I get that, and I appreciate what they’re trying to do… Unfortunately, the truth is going to become evident sooner or later. If you like to drink your ass off and hang out until 3am with your friends, hiding that fact until someone becomes interested in you only sets you up for an argument. If you know 200 chicks and every time you go to a party, you spend the entire time glad-handing and socializing with people OTHER than your date, hiding that only sets you up for an argument.

OTOH.. If you just learned how to dress this month, and you look like a Herb in all the rest of your FB pictures, it might be in your best interests to hide that because it’s no longer representative of who you are now and what you’re bringing to the table.

If you have random chicks that you know leaving posts on your FB wall, talkin’ ’bout “When are we going to hang out again??? :D”, that’s a part of your current life, and I feel that hiding that is fraudulent. If you’re playing that “lonely guy” role, acting like you’re looking for one gal to make your life interesting, and selling that dream to every woman you meet, sucks to be you if you get busted.

If you’re the type of person that switches significant others every few months, and even likes to go so far as getting engaged and unengaged to them whenever you feel like it, your best bet is untagging yourself in those pictures and hoping your new chick never finds out. This is still underhanded, but unless she’s friends with friends of yours, she never would have received that intel anyway.

If you’re the type of person that plays a character online that’s completely different from who you are IRL, you might want to hide your FB profile from potential love interests. If they’re not able to discern the difference between your dual personas, or if they’re not able to understand WHY you would want to represent yourself as someone different under different circumstances, this is going to weigh against you and seriously undermine your rap.

Updates & Deletion

If you elect to add someone you’re dating as a friend on FB, you have to be concerned about relationship status updates. Some people take those very seriously, and playing it the wrong way can have detrimental effects on your situation.

If you’re all hugged up with someone, calling them GF/BF/whatever, and then they check your FB page and you’re listed as “single”?… No Good! :D You’re going to either hear it or feel it… actually, NOT feel it, Nah Meen? >:D

Same thing if y’all haven’t officially declared anything. If the other person receives a message that you’ve indicated that you’re in a relationship with them, you might be in for a rude awakening when they decline your notification. Even if they ignore it, that’s going to lead to one of those “Where is this relationship going?” conversations that nobody likes to have.

Same thing if your page indicates that you’re attending a party that your SO wasn’t invited to.. especially if you don’t send them an invite to go with you. haha TROUB-BLEEEE!!! :D

Same thing if you show up tagged in pictures from when you were partying the night before, but you told your SO you were staying home sick or going to sleep early, hehe BUSTED!!! >:D

So you have to think about whether you actually want someone you’re dating to have access to your whereabouts and activities. That doesn’t just include Facebook, but also Location-Based Services like FourSquare or even Twitter, where your business MIGHT COULD end up in the street or even become a trending topic! o_O

Another consideration is how you interact with people (or not) once the romantic segment of your relationship is over.

If you know that once you break up, you’re going to delete all traces of this person from your Facebook profile, you might not want to add them at all until you’re pretty confident y’all are going to stay together for a good amount of time.

If you can still be cordial to somebody, even though y’all aren’t messing anymore and they’re hooking up with someone that you know and most likely met solely because YOU introduced them to your social set, then, by all means, add them on FB and stay in contact with them so their relationship updates can populate your “Top News” stream.

The Question

Ultimately, the decision comes down to your style.

If you think you have a better chance of getting a rap by hiding your online presence from someone, good luck with that. :D

If you know that you’re not friends with people you date to begin with, it doesn’t make sense to add them so you have to keep repeating the Dump & Erase cycle.

If you’re cool with people that are cool with you, regardless of what stage your ‘relationship’ is currently in, I say add people ASAP to Facebook and any other social media sites you share in common. Let them decide whether they like you as a person or not and then select your dates from a pool that’s already interested in you instead of trying your luck with randoms.

If you feel your Facebook presence is wack, well, that means you need to step up your game, now, doesn’t it? :D If you don’t have anything interesting to say, stay shut. If you’re not saying things about yourself that put you in a good light, STFU. If you feel like your online presence is hindering you from getting raps IRL, what’s the point of maintaining that presence at all? o_O

If you elect to utilize the Bait & Switch method, how does that conversation go when you’re explaining to them what you were hiding, why you were hiding it, and why you’re telling them about it now?

What would you do if you met someone new, had a great time getting to know them that day, and when you were parting company, they say “So… Are you on Facebook?”
–
Connect with Bill via Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace, Email Subscription, RSS Feed

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Now that Valentine’s Day, 2011 is over and you just found out that you’re not your significant other‘s primary relationship, you’re probably thinking about bouncing… breaking up with that person.. ending your relationship and starting all over…

We’ve already talked about how to get over your ex-boyfriend and how to get over your ex-girlfriend, but those are emotional considerations.

Getting back in the game might be a bigger leap than you imagined, so let’s discuss a few issues…

Hooking Up

There are lots of benefits to having one boyfriend or girlfriend. One of them is that you definitely know where your sex is coming from (Though, I know quite a few women that would beg to differ with that remark).

You know what it’s going to be like. You know how good or bad it’s going to be. You know what physical shape your SO is in. You know what they like. You know what they do to you. You know how they respond when you do things to them. You know whether they run their mouths incessantly, like they think they’re in a softcore porno or whether they STFU. You know whether them move a lot or lay there like the proverbial dead fish. You know what their fetishes are. You know what their safewords are…

Once you exit that relationship, all bets are off. You could meet the FOYINEST chick in history and she could turn out to be the wackest lay ever. :( Look how Prince had to kick Kim Kardashian off the stage! :D haha You can have all the ass you want, but if you’re not gonna DO anything with it, get the **** off the stage! :D

Mentality

Even though your SO might not be the sharpest pencil in the box, you’re pretty used to them right now. Their weirdness is predictable.

When you start dating again, you’re exposing yourself to people of questionable mental condition. You never know how much baggage they’re bringing to this relationship from the ones they’ve had before. You never know how much trauma they’re still carrying around from their upbringing, either at home, or because they didn’t have good relationships and friendships while they were in school growing up.

The things you detest right now about your SO might be a walk in the park, compared to the new people you meet.

Unfortunately, most people’s styles of dating involve hiding their eccentric qualities until AFTER you get involved with them, so it’s going to be quite a while before you find out who you’re ACTUALLY dating.

False Advertising

It’s come to my attention recently that there’s a massive amount of false advertising that goes on when it comes to online dating.

I talked about this a couple of years ago, in “It’s All In The Game (Online Dating)”, but I’m now aware that the situation is worse than I thought.

In that post, I was responding to a gal who had said that guys were claiming they were 6 feet tall in their dating profiles, and then when she met them, they weren’t anywhere near that height. I explained to her that it’s all in the game.. If they don’t say they’re tall, she might not go out with them at all. If they lie about it, they still get a chance to try to pull her once she meets them and finds out they’re not who they said they were.

It’s better to be in the game than on the sidelines, so the height lie is worth it.

However… I’ve now been informed that guys are using egregiously ancient pictures of themselves from back when they used to look completely different. I’ve seen this behavior from women, forever, but it makes sense from their side because guys are so visually-oriented as far as attraction. If a chick doesn’t have the right look, a guy isn’t trying to talk to her at all.

I didn’t imagine that guys are employing the same strategies. :/ I mean.. How are you going to send a chick a picture of when you were in shape, and show up to the date fat & nasty? o_O I mean.. What’s that supposed to get you? Is she supposed to FORGET that she was previously messaging and texting with someone that she thought looked good? :D

Is she supposed to want to hook up with a guy merely because of what he says, his physical appearance having no bearing on the situation, whatsoever?… GEEEEEEEEEET the **** outta here! :D

The only counter to False Advertising is to either request NEW pictures of whomever you want to talk to.. haha I guess you’d have to have them take a picture, holding up yesterday’s newspaper or something! :D .. or to meet up with the person ASAP, before getting too text-y with them and working yourself up into wanting to meet someone who, physically, no longer actually exists.

The Roster

Women re-entering the dating game need to recognize that unless a guy doesn’t know any chicks at all, y’all go onto The Roster, and not directly to the head of the class, as far as dating him.

For myriad reasons, some biological and some mental, guys in general find it easier to date multiple women than women find it to date multiple men.

This can be confusing to women, because their relationship to a guy can be fantastic, loving, caring, interesting, exciting, mentally stimulating, and otherwise absolutely perfect as far as she’s concerned, but he still won’t commit to her or call her his girlfriend.

This is because he’s willing to put you on the roster, but he’s not willing to fire the rest of the team for you. If you watch baseball, teams don’t have only one pitcher. They have several. Amongst that group, they have starters and they have closers. Different people are relied upon for different things. Unless a guy’s willing to rely on you for EVERYTHING he wants, there’s no reason for him to commit to you.

As perfect as your relationship is to him, he has the same perfect relationship to other women and he enjoys all of youse. Sometimes, he enjoys all of you in the same way and sometimes for different qualities that each of you brings to the table.

A guy that has several fantastic relationships has no reason to select one and eject the others until and unless one gal clearly outshines the rest of his favorites and he feels like he would be satisfied with “just” her instead of the other billion women on this planet that might be down with the program.

So.. Reentering the dating game doesn’t put you back amongst a group of suitors looking to woo you immediately into another relationship. If guys are still in the game when you break up with your SO, you’re going to have to work your way up from the bottom, not start from the top.

Finances

Assuming that a guy wants to date a woman that’s approximately his age… He’s going to have to deal with the difference between broke chicks and women with careers.

Most likely, when he kicked it to his ex, she was willing to let certain behaviors, lifestyles and ways of being of his SLIDE because she was destitute and interested in living off of his money. Fast-Forward a few years, where now he’s meeting women at after-work Happy Hours ‘n such, and now he’s dealing with women that already have their own money.

This means she’s not going to be impressed with him taking her to the movies. She can take her own ass to the movies, and pay for her girlfriends as well. He’s no longer going to be the best-dressed guy she knows. Now, she’s in the corporate world, and is around guys that dress up every day, instead of guys from around the way that dress up two nights a week to go clubbing and otherwise look like bums all the time.

Since she’s stepped up her game, she has more guys than you kickin’ it to her and she’s not as likely to go for your “I’m tha shiznit, so take it or leave it” style that worked for you when you were the only guy she knew that had a car.

Also.. Since you’re getting back in the game, you’re most likely going to be paying for the dates, which are going to become increasingly expensive as women a) get older, and b) have more sophisticated guys taking them out that you need to defeat in competition to pull her.

Essentially, unless she’s STILL broke, you’re going to have to stop relying on your gimmicks and actually talk to her. Get to know her. You’re going to have to pull her by your personality because your cars, money and house just got your foot in the door for her to listen to your sap rap at all so you can throw your hat in the ring with the other fellaz.

Unfortunately.. After spending several years with a chick that you pulled WITHOUT having to talk to her, your skillz MIGHT COULD be rather dusty, so good luck with that! :D

Depreciation

Back in the day, you were a hot property. The more clothes you took off, the more likely you were to get a rap.

If you’re not staying on top of your gym game, that might work fine, so long as you stay with the same BF/GF. Once you start dating again, you’re heading down the river in a boat with no paddles, Capicse? :D

I’m talking about men as well as women. The older women get and the more money they generate on their own, the more they trend towards how men choose women, looks and fun.

If you’re a guy looking to get back in the game and you haven’t been keeping your physique well-tuned and in tip-top shape, you’re going to be at a disadvantage, competing with the younger guys now that MILFS and Cougars are in style.

Back in the day, you had older chicks all to yourselves. Now that they’ve become a valid fetish category, you have guys 10-20 years younger than theses ladies tryin’na tap that. So you not only have to look better than dudes y’all’s age.. You have to strive for Sugar Mama status.

Anyway… Getting dates and hookups and relationships is much easier for attractive people to achieve than unattractive people. Utilize the mirror. If chicks thought you looked like El Debarge back in the day, but now, they regularly mistake you for Anthony Anderson or Drew Carey, it’s gonna be a tough row to hoe from here on out.

Career Daters

When you get into a relationship for several months or years and then return to the dating game, it’s important for you to realize that not everybody’s taking the same trip you are.

Sure, there are some people that just exited relationships like you did and are looking to get back into one ASAP.

OTOH, there are lots of people that are career daters. They happen to be “single” now because they feel like it, and not because they haven’t found “The One” yet.

In fact, they’ve found several “One”s, or Mr. or Mrs. Right Now’s. They may meet them every week.

Coming from a relationship with someone that was actually interested in only dating one person (unless, of course, the relationship ended because you finally figured out that YOU were the only one dating ONE person, hehe), you’re going to have to get back used to people that will tell you whatever they need to to hook up with you, even though they have no intention of following through with any of the dreams they’re selling you.

One of the worst things you can do is tell a career dater that you’re fresh out of a relationship and blah blah blah. That’s bait for a shark. Don’t do it. :D They’re going to smile in your face and tell you everything’s going to be better….. and just lay down right here…..

Baggage

As upset as you are that your relationship ended, you might find yourself dating someone who’s even MORE UPSET that THEIR relationship ended and they’re not dealing with it very well.

You may be required to carry the baggage that they brought from the previous relationship.. ESPECIALLY if they got cheated on last time. You’re going to have to suffer through “Guilty Until Proven Innocent”. You’re going to have to figure out and then defuse whatever people did to them in the past just so you can get back to square one and start your relationship fresh.

It could be even worse if they’ve gone all the way through the entire process of messing around, dating, hooking up, getting engaged, getting married and getting divorced already. Sometimes, that shakes people’s belief in the system they’ve been fed since they were small children. As much as they’d like to take that same journey with you, minus the divorce part, their heart just isn’t in it.

Hopefully, they’ll figure this out about themselves before you get overly interested in a continuing relationship with them.

Still worse are the people that want to act out NOW that they’ve been cheated on or whatever. You really don’t want to get involved with someone that’s looking to do the same thing to someone else that was already done to them.

Two wrongs doesn’t make a right, but sometimes, it just feels good. >:D

Gloom & Doom

It’s not all Gloom & Doom, however. :D

The good thing is that a lot of your friends are married or currently in long-term relationships and they’ll have friends that you can meet that they’ve already vetted. They’re going to know who’s still looking for someone to settle down with and who’s incessantly playing the field.

Another good thing is that this is your chance to learn about yourself. Take some time to figure out what worked for you in your previous relationship and what didn’t work. Figure out how that relationship changed you, who you are now as a person, and what you want from your next relationship.

Decide whether the qualities you utilized to select your ex are the same ones you’d like to use this time around. Decide whether you’re willing to give everything you gave to the previous relationship or whether you’re bringing a different set of qualities to the table this time.

In fact, starting all over is your chance to reinvent yourself and do things totally differently. You can make better decisions based on the experience with relationships that you have now.

You’re older, wiser, and hopefully BETTER-LOOKING!!! :D hehe Now’s your opportunity to chart the course for the rest of your life, and the sky’s the limit! >:D
–
Connect with Bill via Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace, Email Subscription, RSS Feed

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Over the last couple of weeks, no fewer than three of my homegirls (and probably more that I’m not aware of) have dumped a guy because of his personality.

I’m always amused by these stories because I like to consider the reverse situation and whether I’d stop kickin’ it with a chick for the same reasons.

Why You Got Dumped

I mean, I’ve joked before that I wouldn’t date a chick that doesn’t use a Mac, but I wasn’t talking about FOYINE chicks. If she was just aiiite-looking, she most definitely might could get dumped for showing up with a PC laptop. :D

However, for the most part, removing girls from the roster because of personality flaws is almost unheard-of. Like Spike Lee said in “She’s Gotta Have It”: “You don’t throw away a Rolls Royce because it has a dent in it”.

Off the bat.. At least, here, in NYC.. You expect chicks to come fresh out the box with somewhere between a little and a lot of KRAY-ZAY in them. The best you can do is date through references from friends you already know and trust to tell you the real deal on the new gal.

The question isn’t whether she’s crazy or not, but rather HOW crazy she is and whether you can handle that much KRAY-ZAY in your life or whether you’re WILLING to. If you restricted your interactions to only women you thought were perfectly sane… well, that’s just not a good idea. I don’t even want to think about that kind of lonely existence. :D

So it’s amusing/funny to me when guys will be bringing, say, 75% of what a woman’s looking for in a relationship and then one personality kink ends up being the last straw that makes her unable to date him.

I’m more from the Voltron school of dating.

Instead of trying to get 100% out of one chick, you kick it with several women that bring different qualities to the table so when you combine your experiences with them, you end up with one great girlfriend… and simultaneously, no girlfriend at all. >:D

The concept of ditching a 75% chick over a personality flaw doesn’t register to me because I’m thinking “I only have 25% more to go for VOLTRON! :D”

Of course I realize they’re not trying to do this and are in fact trying to put all their eggs in one basket, so that basket needs to be EXACTLY what they want or they feel like bailing out and looking for a better basket.

A lot of guys do the same thing.. The ones that are looking for relationships and wives and whatnot. If they meet a gal at the club, it’s cool. If they meet a gal drunk off her ass, basically lap-dancing some dude over in the corner, it’s NOT cool. :)

I’m sure some guys have dumped gals like “Yo… Can you BELIEVE she’s a….. REPUBLICAN??? :/”

I personally can’t see myself giving a flying **** what a gal I’m physically attracted to thinks about politics or who she voted for. Most likely, I’m only pretending to listen to her anyway, so I imagine her political opinions becoming an issue for me.

Depending on how close I am to getting on, I might even tell her I *AGREE* with her! :D haha Business. Is. Business. >:D

Emotional Issues

Another problem to look out for is that women’s emotions can block them from feeling like hooking up with you. Neva Dat, Sunn.. Neva Dat!.. This is to be avoided at all costs. I realize that this doesn’t make any logical sense. It’s not like guys go “Can. You. Believe. She didn’t take out the trash??? Now I don’t feel like tappin’ that azz! :(“….

hmm… That’s kinda catchy! :D

“If you don’t take out the trash
Then she won’t give up the ass”

That’s pretty good! That’s kind of like “No Justice?.. No Peace!” haha I should be a speechwriter for Women’s Lib or something! :D

Anywayyyy… Let this be a lesson to you, fellaz… Women actually LISTEN to what you’re saying and they actually CARE ABOUT IT, too! Instead of taking your chances at saying the wrong thing, you’re way better off saying nothing at all.

If you’re not SURE she’s not from Utah, don’t crack any polygamy jokes.
Don’t compliment your Asian homegirl on her Chinese outfit because she might be Korean.

D-OH!   >_<

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I learned a new term while watching MTV’s Jersey Shore, “Committing The Robbery”.

Basically, this means that some other guy was scamming on a chick and you hooked up with her, thereby “stealing his property”, hence Committing The Robbery.

Ronnie claimed that he committed a robbery when he pulled Sammi after she was initially hooking up with Mike.

According to the edit (we don’t know what actually happened.. only the amount of tape and plot crafting that was turned into the final show), Mike fumbled by not acting like he was going to be committed to Sammi.

Mike had it, but when she realized she was just going to be one of his chicks, she bounced and got with Ronnie, who was very happy to be locked down by her, being that she was better-looking than the chicks Mike & Pauly were pulling on a daily basis from the boardwalk and the parties and clubs they attended.

As a side note, I saw the footage where Sammi admitted bragged to Mike that she had been kickin’ it with guys behind Ronnie’s back and he had no clue. That’s a different topic entirely. :D I’m not saying that Ronnie had HER in deep check, but rather that he was the one that got to hook up with her every night because he was willing to do whatever she said.

This is what got him the rap over Mike and what kept him in the pocket. He didn’t actually rob Mike.. He picked up a fumble. If Mike had played the “It’s just you and me” role from the giddyap, the show would have been completely different.

Charge It To The Game

Robbery is part of The Game. If you’re a Hunter and you hang out with Hunters, everything’s fair game until someone you respect lays claim to a chick. This doesn’t mean he got on already. It just means that he’s working on that, so it’s professional courtesy that you don’t kick it to the same chick he’s already tryin’na bag.

Other than that, all bets are off. All Hunters know that you can’t trust the next man with any of your girls. Period.

Women don’t want to be on the dating scene. They’re looking to retire. If you’re not offering them that, you’re going to be either consciously or subconsciously aware that on any given day, the next man might verbally offer her something better than what you’re presenting and either borrow her or pull her from you entirely. I say “verbally offer” because it’s a commonly-used and effective gimmick to pull chicks by promising them stuff you never intend to do for them (marriage, moving in together, having kids…). If you don’t lock a chick down mentally and make her feel like you’re the guy that she’s going to build her life around, you could lose any or all of your chicks instantaneously and/or simultaneously.

This is one of the major downsides to The Game. If you’re not willing to wake up tomorrow and find out that one of your chicks has a boyfriend now, this isn’t for you. If you’re not willing to hear that she gave it up to the next man but still wants to be down with you, this isn’t for you. If you’re not willing to take her back after she messes with some bullshitter for several months or a couple of years, this isn’t for you. If you run into the dude that’s currently ******* your favorite girl and you can’t shake his hand and be cordial towards him, this isn’t for you. If you can’t keep her business ‘out the street’, this isn’t for you. If you can’t stand that NOBODY knows that you and her are messing except for you and her because *SHE* has a reputation to uphold, this isn’t for you. If you aren’t willing to start all over from scratch and meet new chicks TODAY and build new relationships with them TODAY that might end TOMORROW… this isn’t for you.

Paranoid Players

Because of these unseen & unexamined pressures, lots of guys become PARANOID about girls that they’re kickin’ it to leaving them. Scared. To. Death. :D As cool as they act on a regular basis, they know that they haven’t presented enough value to lock the chick down and they’re always wondering if today’s the day they’re gonna get played and go -1 female. I was with a friend a while back and we went to a party to find this chick I hadn’t even started kickin’ it with yet and when we found her, she was in the process of making out with the next man. So what? \o/ That’s what she’s *supposed* to be doing. She’s an attractive chick. Dudes are supposed to want her. She’s supposed to enjoy male attention, affection & lust. As far as I’m concerned, it was like “Good… She’s working properly… She’s not defective”. We waited for her to finish getting her SNOG on and later approached her as if we had’t watched that entire episode unfold before our eyes. Don’t Mean Nuthin’.. It’s All In The Game.

Unfortunately, dudes think they’re so good at playing women that they’re locking chicks down exclusively while they hook up with whomever they want. Hunters that are “bout-it bout-it” know that if you don’t have a chick in your direct line of sight, she could very well be hooking up with the next man. In the case I just mentioned, I had a chick *IN* my line of sight and she *WAS* hooking up with the next man!!! :D Of course, I’ve been on the flip-side where I’ve made out with chicks that other dudes took home for the night. Good for them. I was enjoying the moment and didn’t have any intention of taking the chick ANYWHERE, other than perhaps the lockable bathroom at that bar. I hope they enjoyed the chicks. By the time they were doing their thing, I was into other stuff.

Snakes In The Grass

I’ve also been the victim of attempted robberies that friends of mine don’t know that I know they attempted. Most people have inauthentic relationships where they keep the negative things away from each other and only mention the positive. I dont’ roll like that. I enjoy reality. I also don’t hate on potential thieves because any chick that I’m attracted to, they’re SUPPOSED to be attracted to. They’re SUPPOSED to want to **** my girls. They’re SUPPOSED to try to cut my throat. If they get it, more power to them! :D It’s a good war story to tell from the trenches. If they DON’T get it (or they DO get it and the chick decides to lie about it), she’s going to tell me to my face “Your boy XYZ tried to **** me AND said you weren’t **** and that I should be with him instead of you”. I’m gonna ask her how that went and whether she wants to hook up with him and take it from there. Unfortunately for the would-be robbers, that conversation normally happens right before The Kid gets on, so Nice Try, Playboi! ;) ha-HAA you can’t stop the bum rush! >:D

On top of that, I’m not even going to bring it up to you… EVER. It’s not between me and you. It’s between me and her. If you’ve already demonstrated that you’re gonna try to **** chicks I’m already with, I’m not going to request that you cease & desist. I’m going to accept that as part of your personality and we’re still going to be homeboys. That’s not because of Bros Before Hoes, but because I have the chicks I have because I put in the work to keep them. If you put in more work than I do with a particular chick and she defects, good for you. That’s *MY* fault. You’re not SUPPOSED to be able to pull any of my chicks, so if you can, you’ve illuminated a weakness in my game and I’ll applaud you for that, shake your hand, pat you on the back and buy you a beer.

To be fair, I’ve pulled off accidental robberies myself, so as a sportsman and a friend, I strive to avoid doing that. I say “accidental” because I used to think that you had to put in active work to qualify as a robber, but through extensive debate, discussion and argument, I came to realize that that’s not true.

All you have to do to commit robberies in some cases is “be yourself”. By being who you actually are, you’re presenting a desirable alternative to how your friend relates to his woman.

Without attempting to do so, you’re actually undermining his relationship by making his girl aware of qualities she’d like to have in her man, but doesn’t. Therefore, it becomes your job as his homeboy to assist him in making her believe he’s the best she can get. That’s achieved by intentionally NOT being yourself when you interact with her. I’ve had arguments over utilizing this style also, but Business is Business.

Braggadocio

Another problem with this scenario is that a lot of guys brag to their boys about having chicks in deep check and then they’re worried that they’re going to look like idiots when that chick is discovered to be kickin’ it with the next man (or MEN! :D). This is why you want to keep YOUR and HER business ‘out the street’. You’re a fool if you put additional social pressure on yourself to maintain a facade of control. When that dude you know walks up to you and says “Isn’t that your bitch hugged up with that dude over there?”, you need to be able to calmly say “Nope.”, instead of getting hot under the collar because you got exposed for saying you had an amount of juice with a chick that you really don’t have.

This ends up being confusing to the female because the guy presents an ultra-cool demeanor and then all of a sudden seems to act out of character. This is because it’s easy to be a chick’s man when you’re hanging out with her solo. It’s not so easy when you’re in public and you have no idea how many other guys in the room are playing it off like they’re not ******* her just like you are.

These guys freak out because their self-esteem is attached to their ability to imply ownership of the female. Meanwhile, they know that just the way they do THEIR thing when she’s not around, she may very well be doing *HER* thing when THEY’RE not around. It’s actually fascinating to watch. :) You walk up and greet a chick and whomever’s currently messing with her that sees this starts mentally tripping out, going “HOW IN THE **** DOES SHE KNOW HIM??? :O” because there’s zero evidence that we even talk to each other. You can tell because they start thinking too much trying to figure it out and looking at you too much with their bugged-out eyes because they’re dying to step to you and say “UNHAND MY WOMAN!!! :O” but they know they’re going to make themselves look like a jealous chump and lose face in front of their girl for being paranoid, so they just stay where they are, seething, hoping she ends up going home with them tonight instead of claiming to be tired and meeting me at some undisclosed location.

Evasive Maneuvers

The only way around this for the Paranoid Player is to pretend to be committed to each chick he’s kickin’ it with and then deal with the fallout when one or more of them realize what time it is. This is easy to do because women want to believe that their man is only physically interested in and hooking up with them, so they actually help him to cheat by dismissing obvious signals. I mean, I guess another way around it would be to ACTUALLY commit, but then he wouldn’t be a player anymore, now would he? :D

This goes back to the reasons a guy’s involved in The Game to begin with. Mike & Pauly snapped all over Ronnie for wasting his entire time at the Jersey Shore with one chick while they were pulling new chicks every single day. Ronnie snapped all over Mike for the low visual quality of the girls he pulled compared to his ONE girl, Sammi. Depending on which style works better for you, both sides have perfectly valid arguments. On the one hand, there’s no point in picking up lesser chicks than the one(s) you already have. OTOH, if picking up chicks is the fun, thrill & excitement in the first place, it doesn’t matter how many chicks you have or had, you still want more, and selling out is out of the question.

If you’re planning to stay in the pocket, realize and accept that the roster’s gonna keep switching up as you take losses from robberies as well as chicks just getting tired of not being able to corral you into a relationship. You’ll get them back when/if their relationships fail, assuming they’re still physically attractive to you at that point in time. If you’re planning to retire, it’s in your best interest to select a chick and lock her down before the next man absconds with your best girlfriend.

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A reader asked me a question to the effect of whether guys expect sex on the fourth date. I thought this was very interesting because I hadn’t ever considered the concept before. Offhand, I would say “No. Sex is Not expected on the fourth date”.
 
Sex is expected immediately.

What He’s Thinking

The only reason he spoke to you in the first place was that he thought you were attractive. Similar to not renting a porno movie and waiting three weeks to watch it, he would like to hook up with you BEFORE he introduces himself to you. By the time you become aware of him, he’s already mentally done the deed a few times while he was figuring out what he was going to say to you to get the show on the road.

The number of dates makes no difference. It’s basically True or False. 1 or 0. Yes or No. She gave it up or she didn’t. \o/ So, for instance, a sequence involving sex on the fourth date would look like 0001. Sex on the third date would look like 0010, etc.

The guy is striving for 1111 and there’s really nothing more to say on that topic. :D

What She’s Thinking

Regardless of whether she likes the guy or not, the average gal on the scene is striving not to look like a ho. At some point in history, the Worldwide Queen Of All Women handed down the decree that the magic number for holding out that qualifies a gal as “not a ho” is three (3) dates. Therefore, observing strict adherence to the Women’s Handbook requires a gal to go 000 on her first three encounters with a guy so she will be beyond reproach if she decides to give it up after that.

Thus, the genesis of the question “Is Sex Expected On The Fourth Date?”. What’s going to happen if a chick goes 0000? What about 0000000000?

We See You Coming

Unfortunately for women, men already know what you’re doing. Some guys are willing to wait it out while y’all play games with yourselves. *yawn* Sooner or later, you’ll let yourself do what you wanted to do the first day we kicked it to you and then it’s Game On! :D

One of the failures of the three-date-abstinence rule is that no timetable was handed down regarding space between dates. This means that you can take a chick out three times during the week and still hit it on Saturday, just the way you planned it. It’s not like you only see her ON Saturdays, which would mean that it would take you an entire month to get on.

Another failure is that sometimes, holding out makes a guy MORE likely to hit it & quit it instead of LESS likely. Going out with you and not demanding sex might mean he’s willing to date you ad infinitum without hooking up. It could also mean that he’s got other chicks to kick it with while he waits for you to come around. This is one of the main reasons why I say that sex isn’t expected on the fourth date.

Never. Say. “Never!” ;)

Guys know that BEFORE the fourth date, chicks are gonna kick themselves for giving it up, so date #4 is really the first time they’re spending authentically uninhibited time with them. Assuming the guy hasn’t bailed already, if he’s waited out three dates, there’s no reason he wouldn’t wait out four dates or six or twelve.

You have to consider the reason why she’s dating you in the first place…

She’s going through her usual process to determine whether she wants to give you some or not. If she wins the game and you become her boyfriend, she automatically inherits responsibility for your sexual satisfaction.

It’s not like she’s NEVER going to give it up.. She just wants to feel like it’s a good probability that she’s going to get what SHE wants out of the relationship before getting down with the program.

So.. Date #4 isn’t any sort of significant milestone for a guy. It’s still a 1 or a 0. He gets on or he doesn’t. It’s not like a guy’s gonna say “Tarnation! :/ I took her out all four times like I was supposed to and she STILL didn’t give it up? I’m OUTTA HERE!” :D

If a guy likes you as a person, he’ll hang out with you whether he’s getting on or not. If he doesn’t like you as a person, giving him some most likely won’t change how he feels AT ALL. If you seem sincere in not wanting to have sex with him, most guys will be cool with that too.. Assuming, of course, you’re not the only gal he’s dating. :D

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