Tiger Woods spoke in a press conference just now. Here’s what I got out of it:

Tiger looks good. It doesn’t look like he went through plastic surgery.

According to the written speech, he’s deeply sorry for his selfish and irresponsible behavior.

He’s not as good at reading as he is at golf.

He did better than Chris Brown did, at least.

He sounds rather robotic, like “YABBA. DABBA. DOO”.

Tiger Woods does a lot for the children of the world, and he’s dedicated to making sure that continues.

He’s reading off of a paper to express that he didn’t get jacked up by his wife, Elin.

Tiger was taught to believe in core values, but he convinced himself that normal rules didn’t apply. He never thought about who he was hurting. He thought only about himself. He thought he could get away with anything he wanted to.

He felt entitled to the chicks he hooked up with, because he worked hard to be successful.

Jesus.. Could he have REHEARSED THIS? Come on, man. :/

He seemed to genuinely apologize to the families who held him up as a role model to their kids. I actually believe he’s upset that he jacked that up.

Tiger spent 45 days in inpatient therapy, receiving guidance for the issues he’s facing.

Tiger finally told these jackasses that this situation is between him AND his wife. Thank you. Finally.

Here we go. Now he’s upset! :D The only passion we heard the whole time was when Tiger was saying mind your ******* business, leave my family out of this and stop chasing them around trying to take pictures of them. Unfortunately, his passionate section highlighted how little passion was involved in the rest of the speech he read.

Tiger is a Buddhist. Starting tomorrow, he will leave for more treatment and more therapy.

He plans to return to golf someday. He doesn’t know when that will be. He’s not ruling out a return this year. He says he needs to make his behavior more respectful of the game.

He asks the people who believed in him to help him by finding room in their hearts to one day believe in him again.

Tiger then proceeded to get dap from the entire front row, including his mother.

Thoughts

I don’t know what else he could have done. \o/ I think the speech was well-written, by whomever wrote it. I believe he’s going to get more therapy for whatever he thinks is wrong with him, or maybe I should say I believe he’s going to do whatever he needs to do to get back on the golf course, make more money, get more endorsements and not get caught hooking up ever again.

Similar to his abilities to keep his woman from accessing his cell phone, his abilities to read speeches isn’t good at all. Hopefully, this will get the crying-ass pundits to move along and talk about something else, now that he’s admitted what we already knew, that he hooked up with a lot of chicks and he felt entitled to do that because he’s a rich and famous sports player.

Here’s a short video clip from the Associated Press:

Good Luck to Tiger. Had he not been married, none of this would have happened and he wouldn’t be considered a sex addict. Period.

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So the other day, I heard that Tiger Woods crashed his car and he was being treated for injuries. Once I heard the injuries weren’t career-threatening, I didn’t pay any more attention to the story. I read that he was in his car BY HIMSELF when he crashed and that his wife broke one of the car windows with a golf club to get him out. So what? Big deal.

Tiger Woods vs. Chris Brown

So now, readers Stephanie, Priscilla & Frank have pointed out to me that the internet’s buzzing with rumors that this-and-that happened, so I decided to see what the tabloids were talking about. Interestingly enough, it’s amazingly similar to the Chris Brown situation a few months ago:

1) Chick feels like she has exclusive access to a guy.
2) Chick supposedly receives information that her man was kickin’ it with some other chick.
3) Chick gets upset about it.
4) Chick wigs out and it gets physical.

This is where these tabloid stories part ways:

5) Chris Brown: Kick Her Mother******* Ass!
Tiger Woods: Run For The Mother******* Hills!

6) Chris Brown: Explain it to the cops.
Tiger Woods: Don’t explain it to the cops. (stop snitchin’, yo!)

7) Chris Brown: Become an international pariah.
Tiger Woods: Remain an international hero and icon.

The obvious moral of the story here is that if you’re foolish enough to let your woman believe she’s within her rights to put her hands on you, make sure you run when she starts throwing joints instead of knocking her the **** out.

It’s time to pay for your mistakes by taking one for the team and then not snitching when your girl flattens you out with a two-piece. Bap-Bap!.. Down you go. That’s what you get. That’s good for you.

Another difference between the situations is that the cops questioned Chris Brown about why Rihanna was laying in the street jacked up. The cops questioned Tiger Woods about why he crashed HIS OWN CAR when he was in it BY HIMSELF. There’s no domestic violence call from either side, AFAIK. Therefore, regardless of what actually happened, Tiger can hold the line and say his injuries were from his crash and that’s the end of the entire story. If he has a problem with his woman or she has a problem with him, they’re going to work it out on their own, like Chris Brown should have but didn’t.

Screen Your Girls

Unfortunately, relationships tend to create a volatile combination of beliefs which can blow up pretty much at any time. If you’re foolish enough to live with this hanging over your head every day, you get what you deserve when your girl decides that a) she has the right to hit you because she feels badly about something she saw or heard and b) you DON’T have the right to hit her back because she’s a female and you’re not.

This needs to be dealt with practically immediately. If your girl can’t keep her hands to herself, eject her and get another one. It’s that simple, well.. It’s that simple if you do it off the bat. If you wait until you have kids and marriages without prenuptial agreements then you might have to do like the cartoons and tell her like sugar whether you’d like to receive one lump or two.

Of course, guys never screen for chicks’ personality flaws from the giddyap because we’re too busy tryin’na get laid. Who cares if she’s a psycho as long as the ass is fat, right? :D Who cares if she’s gonna go off the pill without telling you, right? Who cares if she’s gonna skate to another state with your kids, right? Who cares if she’s gonna start a physical problem with you if she THINKS you’re kickin’ it with some other chick, right? As long as the chick looks good and the guy likes the sex, it’s on & poppin’ and nothing else matters.

Meanwhile, guys are screened for EVERYTHING! :D How much money do you make? What’s your job title? Who are your friends? What car do you drive? What gym or country club do you belong to? hoops, hoops, hoops to jump through and guys NEEEEEVER turn around and do the same thing to gals because nobody cares. She makes minimum wage? She works in McDonald’s? She’s the CFO (Chief Fry Officer)? She doesn’t have any friends? (I wonder why…) She gets to work on a skateboard?…….. HERE’S MY NUMBER!!! CALL ME!!! :D

Stop Snitchin’

So anyway, screen your chicks, fellaz. If she seems like she gonna go whoops up-side your head I said whoops up-side your head if she doesn’t like something, see if you can talk her down. If she can’t be reasoned with, eject her and get a better girlfriend. If worse comes to worse and she does you like Manny Pacquiao did Miguel Cotto, tip over a ladder next to your house and tell the cops you fell off the roof.

Oh.. And while you’re in the hospital, layin’ up in traction, write out your list of benefits that you’re about to demand AND RECEIVE from your girl for not throwing her MOTHER******* ASS IN JAIL! This is still your fault for not laying down the law with her from the get that she’s not allowed to put her hands on you under ANY circumstances (and, of course, you’re not going to put YOUR hands on HER by the same agreement), but better late than never.

~ Bill Cammack | @BillCammack

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