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GFF: Grenade-Free Foundation

Bill Cammack — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 15:22:57 +0000

According to the ‘Jersey Shore’ glossary, a Grenade is defined as:

1) A large, portly woman of an unsightly nature and violent disposition. 2) A difficult, prickly (often sober) friend of a potential conquest who blocks your advances on their friend’s behalf. A wingman is required at all times to “dive on the grenade” to ensure your success in the bedroom.

Obviously, those two definitions have nothing to do with each other. I understand why whomever wrote that was confused. The Fellaz changed the description of a Grenade after a couple of episodes, which will throw people off that don’t know what the **** they’re talking about.

DUFFs

Generally, but not always, what they’re describing as a Grenade is actually a DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). This is the war-chief that you see when you encounter a pack of females. She’s easily spotted as she’s looking suspiciously around and trying to keep a count of all her girlfriends and whether they’re talking to “creeps” or not.

The DUFF’s job is to go into action when she sees that one of her girls might be planning to give it up to a dude and cockblock him ASAP. She appears like The Great Gazoo to magically destroy your rap.

The reason the DUFF is so on-point is that nobody ever kicks it to her. This leads to excessive bitterness and the deep-seated desire to make sure that her homegirls get as little play as she does. The “D” stands for Designated, as in designated driver. The same way you send that one person to the party that’s not going to drink so they can safely drive the rest of the drunkards home at the end of the night, the DUFF is responsible for making sure none of her girls hook up past maybe the makeout stage.

The reason why the distinction needs to be made between the DUFF and a Grenade is that there are A. LOT. OF. FOYINE. GIRLS. THAT. COCKBLOCK. THEIR. ASSES. OFF!!!

Just because a gal’s good-looking doesn’t exclude her from being a Grenade. In fact, Attractive Grenades are worse than Busted Grenades, so definition #1 needs to be stricken from the record. Expecting only unattractive girls to attempt to defuse your rap is an amateur mindset.

Grenades

Because the Jersey Shore fellaz failed to make the distinction between DUFFs and Grenades, they’ve confused the uninformed public. For instance, this season, Mike mentions how he, Pauly & Vinny were in the hot tub with a bunch of chicks and then he splashed some water on his face and suddenly realized “We’ve got GRENADES, Man!!! :O”.

That comment didn’t make any sense… Grenades would have cockblocked their homegirls from getting in the hot tub to begin with. Meanwhile, the girls in the tub were throwing sex at the guys left and right. They were definitely DTF (Down To ****).

What Mike SHOULD have said was “When I splashed water on my face, I realized that we had brought home girls that I wouldn’t have admitted to anybody that I kicked it with, except it’s on videotape and broadcast worldwide on televison and the internet.”

The funny thing about statements like that is how Mike is continually surprised at the visual quality of girls he pulls when it’s been a running joke throughout the entire two seasons of Jersey Shore that he and Pauly will bring back anything they can to the house at the end of the night. If splashing water on his face made him realize what the girls HE brought home actually looked like, that’s his fault for removing his own Beer Goggles.

The Original Grenade

We met an actual Grenade in ‘Jersey Shore’ season 01. I believe this is where the confusion of the term came from.

The Fellaz were snapping on this girl for two different reasons which match up to the glossary definition. They found her to be visually unattractive, AND the entire time she was on screen, she was liable to cockblock Mike.

She actually had no reason to be at the house. Pauly didn’t want to hit it, so that meant he had to babysit her so his boy Mike could get laid.

The Jersey Shore guys call this typical wingman tactic “Falling on the Grenade”. Basically, you have to ruin your evening hanging out with some chick just to distract her. The benefit is that your boy gets to tag up on the actual target chick AND that you feel your boy would do the same thing for you if you met a girl you wanted to bring back to the hot tub and the only way she was coming over was if she brought her Grenade-ass girlfriend with her.

So.. Regardless of her looks, she had to be stopped from destroying Mike’s rap, so she was named “The Grenade”.

The GFF

The GFF is the Grenade-Free Foundation, which supports a Grenade-Free America. :D

That really doesn’t have anything to do with cockblockers. It actually has to do with the level of visual quality of the girls these guys pull from the club.

This season, Vinny said that Mike & Pauly would bring home stray dogs from the club if they couldn’t get anything else. Last season, Ronnie and his boys were snapping all over Mike & Pauly saying that nothing they brought home was anywhere near Sammi’s (housemate and Ronnie’s girlfriend) quality.

In their defense, the only girls that are going to show up on a television show are the ones that agree to sign the releases, so it’s entirely possible that MTV is only showing the Grenades the fellaz pull and never the hawt chicks because none of them agree to be shown.

So, the GFF is a state of mind, really… It’s one man’s resolve that if a chick isn’t what he considers to be an 8, 9, or 10 (rating her looks from 1-10, with 10 being the most attractive), he’s not bringing her home or trying to hook up with her.

The obvious problem with this is that guys would rather hook up with a 7, 6 or 5 than NOT HOOK UP with a better-looking female. It’s better to have mediocre-looking chicks in the hot tub than to get no rap at all from hawt girls.

Hunting

It’s all part of the game of Hunting.

When you hit the streets, you’re seeing what you can come up with for that night.

Due to circumstances or the environment, you might not even have access to a chick that’s better than a 6 the entire evening.

You might have access to 8′s or 9′s, but they’re not going for your rap style.. What then? \o/

It’s either hook up with the sub-par chicks that WANT to hook up with you or go home, go to sleep and try again tomorrow.

So.. Unfortunately, The GFF doesn’t exist except in the hearts and minds of guys that are willing to adhere to the terms of the concept.

It’s a fun thing to say… Grenade-Free America!!!! :D but it’s not realistic. Vinny may or may not have hooked up with Snooki this season and he was obviously embarrassed about having slept in the same bed with her… That’s what happens. That’s how life goes.

It’s nice to claim that you only hook up with hawt chicks, but that only works for two sets of guys.. The guys that ACTUALLY only hook up with top-notch-looking women and the guys that successfully keep their exploits with sub-par chicks under the hat.

Neither one of those categories apply to the dudes on ‘Jersey Shore’. :D HAHAHA The only reason you need to declare a Grenade-Free America is that you have to stop YOURSELF from partaking in the Grenades.

Unfortunately.. Methinks They Doth Protest Too Much because at the end of the night, several Grenades in the hot tub trumps zero FOYINE girls in the hot tub and the GFF or GFA will remain a state of mind that guys aspire to but never actually achieve.

How To Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend

Bill Cammack — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 13:24:53 +0000

When a woman leaves you, you may feel heartbroken, depressed, wistful, horny, betrayed, disappointed… :( any number of feelings, consecutively or simultaneously. Here are five tips on how to move on with your life, and learn to love again………

1) Have sex with her sister

hahahahaha Just Kidding! :D

… unless her sister’s HAWT!

This won’t help you feel better about yourself if her sister’s like “eeeh, ok”, because she’s not an upgrade. Depending on how mediocre she is, you may end up feeling EXPONENTIALLY WORSE! :(

Also, this does NOT… repeat… DOES *NOT* work with her best-girlfriend! Do Not Make This Mistake. A lot of women are extremely emotionally volatile & catty. Their friendships with other women turn on a dime… like happened in her relationship to YOU! :D This means that there’s the potential that in the very near future, your ex-girlfriend won’t care AT ALL about you banging her friend, so you basically wasted your time. (Note for non-Americans… “Banging” is a slang term for “having sex”, most likely derived from the sound the woman’s head makes against the headboard)

2) Have sex with her mother

ok, *NOW* I’m kidding! :D

… unless her mother’s RICH!…….. and HAWT!

3) Get a hobby

Take that extra energy that you have, now that you’re not tappin’ that three times a day, and start working out. You want to meet women in the gym anyway, because they’re WYSIWYG. They don’t get to hide their muffin-tops under those Pee-wee Herman maternity dresses.

Besides… You were probably getting flabby anyway, since you knew you were going to get laid, regardless, so working out is a double-win for you.

4) Make tons of money

The best revenge is living well. Now that she’s not with you, buy that yacht and sail past her house every Saturday with your new girlfriends that you picked up at the gym! :D Rev your new Ferrari’s engine outside that diner where she’s working the overnight shift to make ends meet after her regular job on the assembly line at the sock factory.

oh… wait….. Make sure you didn’t have any kids with her before y’all broke up! If you did, skip this tip, because the more money you make, the more you have to give her in alimony and child support, so you’d actually be better off trying to figure out how to get her back instead of buying boats and cars. :D

5) Drink alcohol

Helps you forget your ex ever existed and makes her sister look better, in case you decide to try #1. :D

~Bill

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Sarah Palin’s Wardrobe

Bill Cammack — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:33:48 +0000

People are all CRYING about the $150,000 (read: One Hundred and Fifty THOUSAND Dollars) that was reportedly spent by the Republican National Committee to update Sarah Palin’s wardrobe.

Well, it’s clear to The Kid that McCain knows what’s up and that he MUST be subscribed to DatingGenius! :D

Exactly four months ago, I wrote “How To Dress Your Girlfriend”. Had I known what was going on behind the scenes, I would have called it “How To Dress Your Running Mate”, and I would have been on the CNN / Charlie Rose circuit right now.

So, Fellaz… I’m going to let you in on what Presidential hopefuls already know. This is CRITICAL information if you hope to be respected by your male peers and climb social or business ladders! Write this down! Tape it to your refrigerator if you have to! Ready? Here it comes…….

Do.NOT.Let.Your.Girl.Look.Like.A.Bum.

This is INSANELY IMPORTANT, dudes. DO not let your girl look like a bum. Spend money on HER gear before you spend on your own. Do whatever you have to do to hook HER up before hooking up yourself. You need a haircut, and she needs a hairstyle?… SHE gets it. She put on that extra 5 pounds, and doesn’t fit in clothes that used to look HAWT on her?… Buy. Her. Some. More! :D Your social status is COMPLETELY dependent upon this. If a guy’s not doing well, the FIRST indicator is that his girl’s looks start to fall off. Don’t let this happen to YOU! :D

Now, McCain *could* have continued to let her dress like “whatever”. Click here for a gallery of Sarah Palin in her normal gear. This, however, would have been an egregious mishandling of Eye Candy.

It doesn’t matter how cute your girl was or that she was a cheerleader or beauty pageant contestant or newscaster back in the day. If you’re tryinna get in the club, it matters what your girl looks like RIGHT.NOW. :D “Cute” isn’t going to get you in the door. Your chick has to look BANGIN’! so that when you walk up with her, the doormen know you’re “bout-it bout-it” and the velvet rope slides to the side without you having to say ANYTHING to them. Guys can and WILL judge you by how your chick looks, so keep her up to par, even if you have to spend a hunnid-fitty Gs of the RNC’s money! :D

Now THAT’S Pimpin’! :D

Now, in this particular case, it was extra-important for McCain to shell out the ducats. In most cases, a chick’s entire job description when you go out in public is “Look Good”. Period. You normally don’t have to worry about her being actually involved in the conversation you’re having with your boys, much less someone interviewing her or her actually having to DEBATE anyone on public television. Under these special circumstances, you want the takeaway for people to be “DAMN, She looked GOOD, didn’t she? :D ” as opposed to actually paying attention to what she said. I mean, if you were going to go the “pay attention to what she said” route, you would have selected a more qualified and less attractive female from the giddyap, right? :D

Now… As I was discussing “How To Dress Your Girlfriend” with my friend Michelle’s friend Jennifer, she crinkled up her nose and goes “Why don’t you dress YOURSELF, *FIRST*?” hahahaha :D Now, this is a legitimate question. The answer is:

I don’t have to.

It’s not the guy’s job to look good. It’s the guy’s job to make sure HIS GIRL looks good. You think I’m kidding? Look around? How many guys do you see get out of Porches looking bummy? They know they don’t have to dress up, because chicks (of a certain calibre) are going to sweat their car. Look at the “couples” you see walking around town. How many times have you seen bummy dudes with chicks “dressed to the nines”? Uh-huh. It is NOT a guy’s JOB to look good.

Even if it was, guys in general have no particular shape. All you have to do to make a guy “look good” is put a suit on him that hides his pot belly. Done deal. *yawn*. So you’re not going to hear about a hunnid-fitty Gs spent on Obama’s gear or McCain’s gear. Dressing women is like touching up art. You can’t just throw *anything* on them, because you might be SUBTRACTING from their natural beauty instead of ADDING to it.

So this is why McCain did the right thing by hookin’ a sistahs wardrobe UP! :D First of all, McCain already HAS a suit…

So, you’re not going to be able to dress him up any more than that. Spend the “hook a brotha UP!” budget on the person you’d RATHER have people looking at… Sarah Palin.

Now… Let’s say they had gone the other route. Let’s say that the RNC spent a hunnid-fitty Gs on McCAIN’S GEAR and left Palin dressing “regular”:

That would have been an INCREDIBLE error, because you’re not going to make McCain look any better, regardless of how much money you spend. With Palin, however, the sky’s the limit! :D

People are already speculating about her career path in case Obama becomes the President of the United States of America. They’re thinking she could have her own talk show. They have all this celebrity stuff planned for her. This is because the RNC did what they had to do and upped the ducats to make her look PROPPAH for the cameras! Nice work! :D

So that’s the deal, fellaz… “As goes your girl… There goes your social life”. You can look as FLY as you want, show up to the club with a bummy chick and NOT get in. OTOH, you can spend those ducats, make sure your girl’s looking HAWT, and people will see you as a man of respect who handles his business and keeps his woman satisfied.

We’ll find out on November 4, 2008 whether it’s enough to get you elected PRESIDENT!!! :D

~Bill

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Bill Cammack Marriage Plans

Bill Cammack — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:51:31 +0000

Bill Cammack Marriage Plans, originally uploaded by Bill Cammack.

I’ve decided that I’m going to get married… Please have any attractive female billionaires with SOCOM skillz contact Bill Cammack regarding the tryout schedule.

ThxKBai! :D

Bill Cammack » hawt

GFF: Grenade-Free Foundation

DUFFs

Grenades

The Original Grenade

The GFF

Hunting

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