I’ve been suffering recently from listening to some incredibly short-sighted views about WHY women get dumped right after they give it up. This phenomenon is known as “hit it and quit it” or “pump it and dump it”.

Women try to avoid this situation to the best of their abilities. Unfortunately, their abilities are practically ZERO, because they don’t understand WHY they got dumped.


The popular belief is a time-based cause & effect. Because she gave it up too soon, she got dumped. The problem with this line of “reasoning” is that women play hard to get and stall guys to the point where they feel they’ve outlasted the “she gave it up quick, she’s a slut” stigma, then fiiiiiiiinally have sex with the guy and he vanishes into thin air.

What’s your excuse now? :D You didn’t give it up quick. It wasn’t EASY for him to get on. You made him take you out over and over and introduce you to his friends and/or family. You made him buy you stuff and tell you that he loves you and that you’re in a committed relationship together. You did everything you were supposed to do, and as soon as you gave him some, *BAMF*, you never hear from him again. hahaha Ah Well… C’est La Vie. Que Cera, Cera. Easy Come, Easy Go haha no pun intended. :D

So let’s look at some of the reasons you got dumped right after having sex with your so-called boyfriend.

1) If it walks like a duck…

Let’s look at the basic situation that women have based their ENTIRE countermeasure strategy on… She meets a guy in a bar, likes him mentally, likes him physically, she’s thinking about hooking up with this guy RIGHT. NOW…. so she goes ahead and does it. He tells her he’ll call her and never does.

This situation is written off as “she gave it up too soon”. First of all, there’s no such thing as “too soon”. If you feel like messing with the guy, STOP %(@*&%^ FRONTING and do what you want to do. The actual issue here is that you hooked up with him with ZERO QUALIFICATIONS. He hasn’t proven to you that he’s ANYBODY AT ALL, and you still hooked up with him. This is perceived as “she’ll hook up with anybody” or “she’s just a horny chick in general, so whomever happens to be there wins the grand prize”.

Now… Let’s take that same situation and add the chick stalling the guy for a couple of weeks before finally spreading her legs. What’s the difference? Nothing… If she didn’t qualify him during that time period. According to him, she STILL “doesn’t know him from Adam” and she STILL gave it up even though she tried to make herself look virtuous and “hard to get” by delaying having sex with him.

So basically, even though I feel the term “Slut” is grossly misused in American society, since it unfairly lumps together women who are CHOOSING to hook up with multiple guys via their own personal power with women that are just plain “easy”… you are perceived as a slut NOT because you gave it up quick… but because you hooked up with a guy that didn’t prove himself to you ahead of time.

How long does it take for him to prove himself? That depends on who he is. Obviously, by my 1,068 Facebook “friends”, I make friends quickly, if not immediately, and I maintain and cultivate my relationships on a daily basis. Other guys might take a few dates to demonstrate who they are to the degree that they feel that she knows enough about them to make an EDUCATED decision to hook up with him. Other guys might take weeks or months or years.

The point is that you want HIM to feel like YOU are making an EDUCATED decision to have sex with him. If you receive that education in why you should hook up with him within the first hour of meeting him at a house party or social function, that’s how long it took. You will NOT be penalized for acting on an educated decision. In fact, you will be CELEBRATED for being the type of woman that doesn’t PLAY GAMES instead of authentically expressing yourself when you’re truly feelin’ it.

So… The reason you come off as “a slut” isn’t because you gave it up QUICKLY, but because you gave it up to whom HE perceives as NOBODY, which means you’d also give it up to ANYBODY. This is why you can stall all you want… Hold off on giving him some until you receive a sign of the second coming, and he’ll STILL dump you right after he gets the only thing he was talking to you for in the first place.

2) Maybe it wasn’t all that.

Unfortunately, there’s an important difference between the way most women and most men experience sex… well, TWO if you include the ability to have multiple orgasms…

Women tend to feel like the sex was good as long as they got something emotionally out of it. That’s all well and good, but it has nothing to do with the physicality of the sex OR the experience of being with that particular woman. Everybody’s not compatible when it comes to hooking up. Some guys LOVE IT when chicks run their mouths during sex and emulate porno movie dialogue. Other guys are like “Could you STFU?”. Some guys are into “banging” or “screwing”. Other guys are into “making love”.

The point is, ladies… Just because *YOU* had a good time doesn’t mean that HE did. I mean, sure he got to do his thing, so that counts as a good time, but that doesn’t mean he wants to tap that evAr again in this lifetime. If that happens, you’re done. Period. Just about the worst thing that can happen to your rap is that a guy decides he doesn’t want to have sex with you again. You could be plum loco (crazy), a complete JERK, a jobless bum, have zero cooking skillz, dumb as a box of rocks… and a guy will keep kicking it to you as long as he enjoys the sex. If he finds out he doesn’t… “Hasta La Vista….. Baby!” :D

3) Who the hell are *YOU*, anyway?

Even worse than not qualifying HIM is not qualifying YOURSELF.

This is, by far, the DUMBEST part of the entire “I got dumped for giving it up too soon” theory. By believing that TIME is the important factor in your getting “pumped and dumped” or not, you spend your time stalling him instead of demonstrating your own value as a human being.

It. Is. Amazingly. Critical. That. You. Qualify. Yourself. To. Him. *BEFORE*. Hooking. Up. With. Him.

Why is this important?… Because if you don’t demonstrate to him what makes you personally unique, or a C.U.A.O., the only thing intriguing about you is what it’s like to have sex with you. I already mentioned what’s going to happen if he DIDN’T enjoy himself, but even if he DID, there’s the distinct possibility that he now feels like he’s experienced EVERYTHING that you have to offer him, becomes completely disinterested and “loses your number”.

Again, how long does it take to demonstrate this to someone? It depends on who you are. It might take you 5 minutes. It might take you several dates or weeks or months. However long/short the time period, the critical factor is “who he thinks you are” and the respect he’s gained for you or the interest he’s developed in you, above and beyond having sex with you.

This is why there are lots of women who have sex with guys relatively quickly and DON’T get dumped. They’ve demonstrated to their suitors that there’s much more to gain by remaining in contact with them and even potentially pursuing an LTR than there is by dumping them and moving on to the next chick.

Stop using GIMMICKS and improve yourself.

The problem with using gimmicks is that they’re quick fixes and don’t lead to any true, honest & LASTING self-improvement. Make yourself a BETTER HUMAN BEING, and you won’t have to use these corny tactics to try to CONVINCE a guy that you’re worth more than a lay. MAKE YOURSELF worth more than a lay and express/demonstrate to him that you actually ARE unique and worth spending time with, and you’ll have a much better chance of avoiding getting pumped & dumped.

On top of that, you’re diluting yourself with all these inauthentic maneuvers. The funny thing about all this is that in the attempt to appear aloof and “in demand”, you really come off as ‘cold’ and useless. You appear to be the type of person that calculates instead of expresses. That’s not sexy. Authentic attraction comes from the heart and is expressed freely. Even when one attempts to contain or regulate it, it still shines through via the intimacy of your physical contact or the way your eyes are smiling.

What you have to consider is… While you’re working so hard to intimate to him that you can take him or leave him….. WHO wants to STAY with a gal that “could take him or leave him”? Does that make sense? Unfortunately for you, your inauthentic way of interacting with him sets you up to get dumped, because even though he *HATES* it and knows women who are not only willing, but EAGER to express their authentic love for him, he’s willing to tolerate you until he gets what he wants….

….. And like that, poof. He’s gone….

~Bill

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Lindz from NNN / Tumblr joins me for a conversation about the ifs and whens of guys being friends with girls…..

B: So… Every Day, there’s some chick that’s completely confused as to whether some guy that she knows wants to be “friends” with her.

This happens in both directions… There are chicks that WANT to date guys, but they can’t tell if that guy’s physically attracted to them… And there are chicks that DON’T want to date guys, but they can’t tell whether those guys are NOT just tryinna get in their pants.

I’ll start off with the high percentage answer to whether a guy wants to be friends with a chick……

This means that if a chick wants to give him some, he’ll most likely take it, regardless of what he told you when you asked him directly. Does that mean you’re in a “relationship” with him? No. Does that mean he’s going to iChat you tomorrow? No. All it means is that he finds you physically attractive, and under the correct circumstances, he’d be very glad to “tap that, sunnnnnn”.

L: You see, though, if she’s hot and you know that she’s outta your league, or maybe she’s the plain Jane next door that still won’t get with you, even though you’re the hottest guy to ever talk to her, don’t get discouraged. You can totally use this in your favor. One word: Wingwoman.

B: As with every rule, there are exceptions. Here they are:

1) He’s not physically attracted to you.

B: If he’s not tryinna hit that, it’s easy to be friends with you, because there’s no pressure. No sexual tension. There’s nothing for him to gain or lose by not pressing up on you. Hanging out with you is the exact same thing as hanging out with any other chick, or a guy.  *yawn*

L: True. Very true. However, a girls attractability (is this a word? I think so) can grow depending on her personality. She can be a total goon and then you get to know her and all of a sudden she’s a supermodel knockout. Ok maybe I went too far, but you get the point.

B: Excellent point, Lindz… This is actually something chicks have to look out for that I wasn’t thinking about. That’s when there’s a changeover from not-hittable to hittable and what gets really confusing to chicks, when a guy that never paid them any physical attention’s suddenly talkin’ ’bout “Say… I lost the directions to my house… Can I borrow yours? :D “.

2) He’s not physically attracted to you.

B: Really… This is just about the only reason he wouldn’t tap that. :D

L: In most cases, yes I’d agree. But with a few beers or maybe like 10.. the possibilities are endless.

B: Actually, this is ANOTHER great exception that I wasn’t thinking about. Similar to how there are people that never smoke… unless they’re drinking… There are guys that won’t be attracted to certain chicks AT ALL until they don their “Beer Goggles”. This can be INCREDIBLY confusing for women, as the same guy that’s all over them the night before isn’t even trying to touch them at brunch the next afternoon. :)

3) You’re dating a friend of his.

B: There are only two things you have to remember as an American male, and they both amount to the exact same thing. Those are:

Blood is thicker than water
and
Bros before Hoes

This means that there’s an infinite number of chicks. They’re always making more. There’s no reason to kick it to your friend’s girlfriend. Keep your eyes on the prize! :D If you like your friend’s girl, just focus on the fact that you can get a chick more attractive than she is, sexier than she is, smarter than she is and more nymphomaniacal than she is.

L: Plus, going for your friend’s “leftovers” as I like to call it, makes you lazy. Get off your ass and go find someone for yourself. Don’t just look around the room sayin, OK I think I’ll take her, she’s the closest person to me and the hottest looking girl within eyesight. With that kind of attitude, you’ll get far in life. *Sarcasm*

B: True Dat! :) As a sportsman, you should be trying to get your own raps, not leech off of your boys… At the very least, make sure it SOMEBODY ELSE’S GIRL, not some guy you actually know… Sheesh! :/

4) He doesn’t like women at all.

B: Especially in New York City, you could look like Stacy Dash, and there’ll be a ton of dudes that AREN’T tryinna hit it! :O

smh…

L: True, this can happen a lot in LA too so beware. And if you are hanging out with someone and you aren’t sure, start being more observant. Does he wear pink converse? Does he buy women’s jeans? Does he frequently invite his best friend, Big Gay Al over and then insist that he’s sleeping on the floor of his room, then keeps the door locked with music blasting all night. Hmm.

5) You have something in common.

B: See, guys are friends with girls for the same reason they’re friends with guys… They Have Something In Common. Stop and think right now about what you have in common with the guy that you’re thinking about and wondering whether he’s actually a friend of yours. If you can’t figure out what you have in common…….. He’s just waiting to hit it. :D

L: Things in common that don’t count: breathing, living in the same city, working, eating meals frequently, showering, etc.

B: Most guys aren’t smart enough to make something up in common with you, so they just OK everything that you have to say. If you like a certain singer, he likes it, too. If you don’t like a certain type of food, he doesn’t either. If you wouldn’t be caught “dead” in a party in Brooklyn, neither would he! :D

L: Here’s another first hand example. If you love music and he loves to surf and all you talk about music and all he talks about is surfing, then both your conversation is one sided. If you’re not interested, you better make it clear, because this loser is just waiting to hit a wave. No pun intended.

B: This is where “E-Stalking” comes in handy. If you E-Stalk a guy, you can find out what he’s into before he finds out what YOU’RE into and figures out how to ! :D

Lindz & Bill
 

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