I’ve heard some REALLY STUPID THINGS recently, and I’d like to mention that people really should stick to dating people who are as smart as they are or smarter.

Dating idiots isn’t going to work out for smart people. Dating smart people isn’t going to work out for idiots. It’s a really frustrating match, to use the term “match” loosely.

Dumbing it Down

For the smart person, it’s incredibly frustrating, trying to have a conversation with a fool. The fool doesn’t understand basic concepts, but then believes that they actually have a proper mental grasp on reality. It would be palatable… slightly… if the idiot understood that he or she knows nothing at all, because then, they might be open to listening to what you have to say and attempting to absorb it. Instead, the fool attempts to win you over to their way of thinking, because they’re clearly right, being that they’re too stupid to understand that 4 + 4 doesn’t actually equal 44.

Who Does He Think He *IS*?

Meanwhile, it’s frustrating for the fool, because this person who seems to be a peer of theirs keeps talking down to them and telling them they’re wrong about things. “Why won’t he walk out in the street with me without looking? I mean… The cars aren’t just going to HIT US! That would be WRONG! :(“… “I won’t look like a ho if I have sex with five people that know each other in a four week span. STOP JUDGING MEEEE! :(“… “If I headbutt someone in their head, they’ll be the only ones to get hurt, because I’m the one that did it to THEM! :D”… “How did the steak get all crispy in the ski resort microwave??? I set the timer for the exact same time I always use at home! :O *scratching head*”

Triple-Digit IQs To The Left…

This is why you should never date outside your own intelligence. In the long run, it’s just not worth it. The time you spend concealing your disdain for the other person and muttering about how stupid they are under your breath takes away from the purely good times you could be having with someone that’s just as attractive & sexy, except their brain works properly.

This works just as well for dummies, because neither one thinks that what the other one just said is a bad idea. They’re never condescending towards each other and when something goes wrong, it was just their bad luck……. again….. instead of a blatantly obvious lack of intelligent planning. With neither one of them thinking straight, both of them get to enjoy the bliss of ignorance and all is right with the world. :D

~Bill | @BillCammack

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Inititally, I wanted to make ONE post about The Maury Show, but I realized in discussing the concept with some of my lady friends that there are just too many topics to go over, so I’m going to have to make this a series.

Now, The Maury Show is very, very, VERY funny. It’s also sad, pathetic and depressing, but if you can get past the fact that these are real people on the stage, you can focus on laughing instead of crying.

This is not by luck or chance. It’s not an error. They don’t just HAPPEN to people involved in these weirdo circumstances by pot luck. It’s a setup…. It’s a setup, and the joke’s on YOU, Jack. :D

This series, “Maury Show Tips”, is going to help you help yourself just in case you end up on the show. Like all self-help situations, most of which end in “anonymous”, we have to begin with a basic premise that you will need to accept before you can absorb what I’m saying, understand it and utilize it in the near future. This basic, fundamental and ALL-IMPORTANT premise is:

You. Are. An. Idiot.

Now, this is very important. Don’t get upset. :) This is the first step in all of the “anonymous” programs. You have to realize you HAVE a problem before I can teach you how to COPE with your problem.

You might be wondering right now… “How does he know that I’m an idiot?” That’s easy. I know that you’re an idiot because you received a call to be on The Maury Show. When was the last time you saw someone INTELLIGENT on that show? ok then. It’s like fashion runways. When was the last time you saw someone short and fat on the runway? Never. That’s because fashion designers make prototypes of clothes. They only make ONE. Therefore, they have to hire models that fit into their clothes, so they have to hire everyone in the same size and shape range. The more their bodies resemble coathangers, the more the clothing is shown off the same way it hung on the mannequin when they were designing it. Anyway…

That’s how they get such interesting and ridiculous Maury Show episodes. They pre-screen for idiots and only call up the CHOICE ones… like you.

Now, in all fairness, there’s ONE exception to this rule, which I’ll get to later in the series. The ONLY way that you’ll get a call to be on The Maury Show and you’re not an idiot……. is if you’re DATING an idiot.

There are only two types of people on The Maury Show… The ones who DID the retarded thing, and the ones that had the retarded thing DONE TO THEM. If you’re SURE that you’re not an idiot, then it’s your S.O. There’s ALWAYS AT LEAST ONE IDIOT in segments of The Maury Show, and most times, TWO idiots, so even the fact that you’re the one on the receiving end doesn’t exonerate you from idiot-ness.

So, for the sake of this post, let’s just assume it’s you.

Now… The reason it’s so important to accept that you’re an idiot if a producer from The Maury Show calls and asks if you’d like to be a guest is that you have to understand that THEY are smarter than YOU are. This is the downfall of every idiot that goes on the show. Guys AND Gals are at fault. You go on the show, and you think that you’re smarter than the people on the show, when they speak twice as quickly as you do. These people have college degrees, you work in the sock factory, and you think you’re going to outsmart them. You’re not. You’re ESPECIALLY not going to outsmart TESTS, such as LIE DETECTOR TESTS and PATERNITY TESTS. If you insist on thinking that you’re smarter than you really are, you’re doomed to the same fate everyone else receives on that show.

That’s another thing. How come none of y’all do your research before you go on the show? How come y’all “go out” The. Same. Way. every single episode? Didn’t you WATCH the show, to see what happened to the people that came before you? :/

So now, if you’ve accepted your low-IQ status, you’re ready for the tips that are going to help you out if you’re foolish enough to AGREE to go on the show. :D

Tips For Stupid Guys

If you’re a guy, and you’re called in to take a paternity test, and they film you for one of those intro segments, DO NOT claim that you’re 100%, 200% or 1000% POSITIVE that you’re not the father if you KNOW DAMNED WELL you had sex with her without a condom. If you went up in there without a hat, there is A PERCENTAGE CHANCE that You. ARE. The Father! :D

It doesn’t matter if you pulled out before the main event. You could STILL be the father. It doesn’t matter if 4 other guys screwed the same chick without condoms during that week when she got pregnant. All THAT does for you is make it only a 1/5 = 20% chance that you ARE the father, so the BEST you can say for yourself in those intro segments is “I am 80% POSITIVE that I am not the father”.

It’s not an excuse that she’s a ho. Guys don’t come equipped with sperm that refuses to impregnate hoes. When it comes to sperm, a brotha’z gotsta get in where he fit in, dig? So if YOU put him on the playing field, he might just score a touchdown.

It’s not an excuse that she’s crazy. Crazy chicks get pregnant all the time… Probably more often than sane chicks. It’s not an excuse that you don’t like her mom. It’s not an excuse that your new girlfriend doesn’t like her. It’s CERTAINLY not an excuse that your new girl doesn’t believe that the baby’s yours. Unless this new chick was THERE to assess the situation (which I highly doubt, because y’all sit there looking like imbeciles while you let two idiot chicks scream at each other. It’s no wonder you ended up on this show. Take some CONTROL over your life. Damn. :/ ), she doesn’t know JACK about it so she needs to STFU and HOPE that you’re not the father.

Tips For Stupid Women

IF you end up getting called by a producer of The Maury Show, do yourself a favor and fess up THE FIRST TIME to how many guys went up in you around the time you got pregnant. I understand that you want to keep your man and you don’t want him to know you’re easy. I get that. Really. The problem is what I stated before. Instead of duping your stupid, idiotic boyfriend, you NOW have to dupe intelligent people and physical tests.

If you KNOW DAMNED WELL that your man isn’t the only possible father, NOW is the time to come clean. DO NOT cross your fingers and let them swab your cheek for DNA. Nobody’s going to have any sympathy for you when the test comes back negative and your man’s resisting from slapping the living $#%& out of you and you start bawling between sucking breaths, talkin’ ’bout “waaaaaaaaaaah… There was….. ONE… OTHER… GUY!… waaaaaaaaah”.

Now, in some cases, it’s not reeeeeally your fault. Like… Maybe you drank too much? :D Well… Sorry… As a grown-ass-woman, it’s your responsibility to NOT incapacitate yourself at parties. If you KNOW DAMNED WELL that you drink so much that you forget stuff the next day, your best bet is to admit that.

Actually, your man is an idiot as well if he doesn’t know this about you. Once you’ve had the experience of having sex with a chick and then she forgets all about it the next day (hahaha not because it wasn’t GOOD, but because alcohol removed her entire memory of the evening), you realize that her word means *NOTHING* when she tells you what she did or didn’t do the night before. It’s not that she’s LYING to you. It’s that the sex honestly occupies ZERO real estate in her Long Term Memory. Fellaz… If you received your chance to get on a chick because she was bombed out of her mind and then forgot about it, assume that’s a situation that’s going to repeat itself in the future.

So anyway… Your best bet is, once again, to fess up and come clean. Instead of saying “No, I did not have sex with your brother at the party”, say “I have no mental recollection of last night” and let the chips fall where they may. Your man shouldn’t be mad at you, because that’s how he got to have sex with you in the first place, drunk at a party. He should know that’s your M.O. and that’s what he signed up for. What he NEEDS to do is mark down the dates of your memory losses, so that if you come up pregnant anytime soon, he knows to get the kid tested ASAP.

Also, if you choose not to take my advice and fess up to all the guys that went up in you during your fertility window, do not trickle these guys out show after show. Once you’re busted with your man, the sky’s the limit! Call the whole football team if you have to, just get ALL of the guys out of the way at the same time. Yes, you look “cheaper”… but it’s better than looking DUMBER when show after show, the couple of dudes you called in start jumping up and down, hugging each other and calling you a whore to your face while Maury acts like he gives a damn and asks you to search your mind for ANY other guys that it might have been.

So, like I said, there are too many pitfalls on The Maury Show to cover in one post, so I’ll have more tips for y’all idiots in the near future. Until that time, just remember that you will NOT beat the paternity or lie detector tests and that Maury, the producers and even the PAs are smarter than you are.

Trust and Believe that if you go on the air thinking you’re smarter than you really are, you’ll be right up there on the next highlight reel, just like those dudes and chicks you were clowning for looking like idiots last season.

~Bill

DatingGenius Category: billcammack.com/category/datinggenius
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According to Webster’s, a misanthrope is a person who hates or distrusts humankind. Now… Just because you hate people in general, that doesn’t mean that you can’t date them, or that you shouldn’t. :D

Most likely, the reason you don’t like people isn’t because of the way they look, smell or taste… It’s probably that they say retarded things that get on your very last nerve. You’re gaining insight into their personalities or lack of education which increases the natural disdain that you had for them the first time you ever laid eyes on them.

All you need to do is follow The Kid‘s 5 tips for dating people you don’t actually like or have a shred of respect for, and you’ll be happily dating in no time! :D

1) Take your dates to the movies

In order for you to successfully date, you need to AVOID hearing what the other person has to say at all costs. The less you hear, the more you’re going to like her and the better your date will be. Invite her out to the movies. Tell her you’ll get the tickets, and to meet you right at the theater at the exact time that the movie’s scheduled to start. Oh… do this by text message or email so as to avoid any unnecessary yammering she might do which will cause you to bail out on the date. Also find out if she wants popcorn, soda, etc ahead of time, so you can stock up on those before she meets you.

When she gets there, kiss her “hello”, give her some random compliment, like about he eyes or her hair, give her her food and hurry into the theater before she can strike up a conversation. If she starts talking before you get down the hall, ask her if her popcorn has enough butter on it so she starts eating it.

You may have to suffer a bit through the commercials, but once the movie starts, you’re golden. Do the “Richie Cunningham” to get your arm around her, then relate to her for the next two hours via touch and eye contact. When she tries to actually say something, shush her, reminding her that you’re both listening to the movie… together!… then go back to touch and eye contact.

Also, make sure you informed her you’d have to skate (slang for “leave really quickly”) right after the movie, when you initially made plans with her. Credits roll. Kiss her good night. Tell her you had a great time and then break north with no delay.

2) Take your dates to loud places

I discovered this technique by accident. I was in a bar, speaking with someone and barely able to hear them. I guess the crowd got louder, because someone turned the music up, and I was no longer able to hear this person that I was right next to. My first instinct was to wait it out, figuring that I’d be able to understand them a few seconds later. That never happened. What DID happen was….. They kept talking as long as I kept looking at them and nodding! :D

This style is INVALUABLE for a misanthrope! All you have to do is take her to a place that you know plays loud music, like a dance club or a concert. It’s the best of both worlds. You can still utilize your touch and eye contact skillz that you perfected during your many movie theater dates, but you can’t hear a single word she’s saying! :D

Compound the effectiveness of this technique by imagining that she’s saying really intelligent and fascinating things that make you feel more love and respect for her by the minute.

Just as the concert’s ending or they’re turning on the lights in the club, tell her you have to skate, and break north with no delay.

3) Make sure your date is insanely physically attractive

Of course, this is your goal in ANY dating situation… but it’s extra-important for misanthropes. The better-looking she is, the more bullshit you’ll be able to tolerate.

Physically, this has something to do with chemicals released in your body when she’s around that keep you from doing stupid things, such as erasing her number or moving in the opposite direction of her present location. Mentally, it’s like Spike Lee said in “She’s Gotta Have It”:

“You don’t throw away a Rolls Royce because it has a dent in it”

On top of that (no pun intended), the better-looking she is, the more time you’ll spend having sex with her, which means the less time she’ll be talking. I mean, yeah, she’ll probably be bumbling and stammering like an idiot, but at least you’ll be able to convince yourself that the reason she can’t form proper English sentences right now is because you’re hittin’ that spot! :D

4) Make sure you use condoms

If there’s ONE THING a misanthrope hates more than dating a person they think is beneath them….. Is that a fair statement? Probably not. You can probably hate someone without thinking you’re better than they are… Weird… Anyway…..

If there’s ONE THING a misanthrope hates more than dating someone they think is beneath them… it’s accidentally having inferior kids with them. I mean, it’s one thing when someone with no connection to you AT ALL is a blithering idiot, but it’s like if her “dumb genes” happen to be dominant instead of your “smart genes”, you’re gonna be REAL SOUR for at least the next 18 years.

So, you know the drill… If you use these techniques to tolerate her long enough to have sex with her, don’t fumble on the 2-yard line! Wrap it up! No Glove, No Love!… NAH MEEN? :D

5) Learn to talk to yourself

A lot of your problem with people isn’t actually how stupid they are, but rather that you hold all your disdain in and you don’t have an outlet to share how retarded you think people are with someone who COMPLETELY understands what you’re telling them and feels the exact same way about it. This is why you need to become your own traveling commiseration companion:

You: Oh. My. *GOD*, that was the DUMBEST thing I’ve ever heard!
You: I know… she’s an idiot.
You: TELL me about it! DAMN!!!
You: Amazing, isn’t it?
You: omg! grr
You: Ah, well, what did you expect?
You: Yeah… You’re right. Forget it.

See how you calmed yourself down? Learn to do this when you feel yourself losing it, and you’ll be able to keep yourself in the game long enough to get to the good part! :D

~Bill

DatingGenius Category: billcammack.com/category/datinggenius
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As you know if you’ve been following this column over the last 6 months, DatingGenius doesn’t “date”.

The term “dating” implies progression. It’s like something Richie Cunningham or Potsie Weber might do. You see a chick and you want her, but you’re not willing to let her know what time it is, so you beat around the bush taking her places in hopes that she’ll see you as the kind of guy she wants to give it up to. *yawn*

In fact, there *IS* no progression. A chick knows if she wants to mess with you off the bat. Depending on what you tell her after that, she either thinks more about giving you some or LESS about giving you some, hahaha :D … That’s all there is. You want to hook up with her, or else you wouldn’t be on a so-called “date” with her. Everybody knows it, so stop acting like you’re all sneaky and undercover and then try to surprise the chick with a “good-night kiss” when you drop her home, hoping that it works like in the movies, and all of a sudden, she’ll invite you in for…. a nightcap. :/

So, no. DatingGenius doesn’t “date”. He hangs out with chicks. Period. If they’re into DatingGenius like that, then CHA-CHINGGGG!!! :D If not, we have a good time anyway, then we go about our respective businesses.

Having said that, if you still insist on “dating”, like actually courting one person in a serial fashion with the intent of them eventually handing you a title that’s supposed to mean something, like “significant other”, then make sure you date someone BETTER. THAN. YOU! :D

Now, that might not seem to make sense, coming from the diabolical, empty-life-having (bookstore chick’s friend informed me of this a couple of weeks ago), sinister, evil, manipulating DatingGenius! :D You would think that he would advocate kicking it to the dumbest, low-brow character you can find in order to maximize your control over the situation. Dummies and lowlives are great if you’re just trying to get on ASAP and don’t intend to see them ever again in life. If you’re actually going to REPRESENT with this person, like as in let ANYONE ELSE know that you’re messing with them… That person needs to be a FANTASTIC individual. This is actually MORE IMPORTANT for the ladies than it is for the fellaz, so pay attention. :D

[Part 1: Dummies]

Let’s say the person you’re dating is a dummy. Like they’re just not intelligent. Maybe you’re on iChat with them and it takes them mad, crazy, stupid long to type a response to you, and then after all that waiting, it’s like a line and a half because they were only using their two pointer fingers to peck at the keyboard. Or maybe they can’t spell for JACK, and you’re wondering if they dropped out of school in the 5th grade to pack bags for change at the supermarket, then got hooked on drugs before making it back into the school system.

If you actually date this idiot, regardless of how good he or she looks or how good the sex is, don’t give yourself credit like you’ve pulled off some fantastic feat. In fact, anyone smarter than them will be able to manipulate them if they choose to, and you’ve “built your house on sand”… if not quicksand.

On top of that, you can’t TAKE this person ANYWHERE! :D Unless they happen to LOOK intelligent and you can convince them to not say ANYTHING around your peers, this person is an accident waiting to happen… Actually, an accident TRYING to happen, because it’s been my experience that the dumber someone is, the more they try to impress other people. Did you notice that? :D It’s like the smartest people, most of the time in a conversation, they’re listening and PROCESSING what people are saying. When they finally say something, it’s worth hearing and it’s the product of what they’ve absorbed from what’s been going on. Meanwhile, you see the dummies sitting there staring at the mouth of the person who’s talking… They seem to be trying to synchronize, like double dutch, getting ready to jump into the conversation when they perceive that the current speaker is about to finish his or her point.

The problem with this is that if you’re synchronizing, you’re not LISTENING, which becomes apparent when the dummy jumps in with something relevant to 10 minutes ago when they finally had ONE good idea, and they’ve been waiting until now to get a word in edgewise. That’s when the entire conversation stops and everyone tries to be polite. There’s this silent exchange that goes on between everyone. They’re not so much being polite to the dummy as they’re being polite TO *YOU* because it’s YOUR FAULT that this person’s in here $&%*ing up the program! :D Basically, people are embarrassed *for* you, and everyone’s trying not to mention that the emperor has no clothes on.

This is easily avoided, if you insist on dating dummies and bringing them out in public, by not giving them a title when you introduce them. We all have those friends… Every so often, they come around with a new…. person… and they introduce this person by name, but no title. Like, it’s clear that they’re out on a date, but by not declaring this person, you get to play it off down the line. Oh… That was a business partner from the Kentucky branch, my job asked me to show him around. Oh… That was my CEO’s daughter, visiting from San Diego. Who? When?… OH!… I was interviewing her for that intern position (at 11:30 pm). This only works, however, if you know you’re going to get rid of them eventually. If you end up eventually declaring them, you look like a chump for trying to play it off.

You also can’t leave people like this alone with your friends. Do NOT go to the bathroom. Do NOT go to the bar to order drinks. Do NOT pass “go” and Do NOT collect $200. Stick to this person LIKE GLUE. If you leave, and your friends ask your date “What do you think about Obama” and they reply “I think he’s still hiding in those mountains”, you’re *dead*. Laughing stock. You will NEVER live it down.

DatingGenius

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