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Maury Show Tips: 02 – Surviving The Lie Detector Test

Bill Cammack — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 15:04:20 +0000

We’ve already established in “Maury Show Tips: 01 – You Are An Idiot” that if The Maury Show calls you AT ALL, then either YOU are an idiot, your girlfriend is an idiot or BOTH OF YOU are idiots. That means there’s a 66% chance that you are an idiot, which is higher than 50%, so let’s just assume that it’s YOU. Here’s the proof:

You + Her = Result
================
Smart + Smart = Rejected. Never seen on the show [25%]
Smart + Idiot = She did something that will embarrass you = Guest [25%]
Idiot + Smart = You did something that will embarrass her = Guest [25%]
Idiot + Idiot = Ratings Galore = GUEST!!! (multiple episodes) [25%]

Now, because you’ve been invited as a guest, we can throw out Smart+Smart, which leaves us with two slots where you are an idiot and one slot where you are not = 66% chance that the idiot is YOU.

If your girl happens NOT to be an idiot (which, BTW… you wouldn’t be smart enough to figure out), then we can rule out the Paternity Test series. The only trick The Maury Show has left up its sleeve is The Lie Detector Test.

Like I mentioned previously, even the secretary who buzzed you in the security door to the studio is more educated than you are. PLEASE do yourself a favor and FORGET ABOUT TRICKING AN-NY-BOD-DEE until you get back out in the street, like FAR AWAY from the studio and make sure you turn a couple of corners so their outside cameras can’t see you either.

Of course, the entire point of this series is that you’re not going to take my advice and stay off the show, so here’s how to carry yourself when you’re a guest on the Lie Detector Test episodes:

1) How to pass the Lie Detector Test

There’s a very simple way to pass the Lie Detector Test……

Don’t lie.

The Maury Show hires professionals to administer the polygraph examinations… oh… sorry… I mean the Lie Detector Tests (let me not confuse you). These people catch ACTUAL. CRIMINALS. who did stuff they REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, *REALLY* don’t want to get caught for. You, my friend, are the proverbial “fish in a barrel”. They can break you WITHOUT hooking you up to the machine. For instance, the next time you want to know the truth about something, ask the person to their face and don’t blink while they’re processing what you said. If their eyes dart in one direction, they’re accessing actual memories. If their eyes go the other way, they’re MAKING. $#&%. UP! These people can tell by how much you start blinking or sweating what time it is. They don’t even NEED the needle to jump… So if you get strapped in for that test, TELL. THE. TRUTH!

Telling The Truth is the semi-valiant way to “survive” a Lie Detector Test episode. You’re going to come out looking bad either way, so if you’re strapped in, and you know damned well you’re about to lie… give up the ghost. Admit to what you did. That way, when you walk out on stage, you know there aren’t going to be any surprises, AND you know when to grab your girl’s hand, look her in the eye, tell her “You know I love you… right? :D ” and keep holding her hand until she rips it away from you when Maury tells her what you admitted doing with her favorite aunt.

If you go out like a sucker and lie about it, you’ll be sitting there on stage BELIEVING you passed the test, which is when you look like :O just before they cut to an audience shot because your girl hopped up and slapped the $#&% out of you. At least if you tell the truth, you have SOMETHING to lean on when she’s bitchin’ about it backstage, even though she’s going to counter with “Why couldn’t you have just TOLD me???”, and “You brought me on NATIONAL TELEVISION to tell me this???”

2) If you STILL have to try to pass….. :/

If you insist on not taking ANY of my advice and a) Not returning the Maury Show Producer’s call, b) Not showing up to the studio and c) Not lying during the polygraph examination, then your best bet is to “Act As If”.

Now, this takes incredible skill, because you’ll have to translate what the examiner says in your mind, on the fly. To complicate matters, there are positive questions, negative questions and, let’s call them “test” questions. You have to make sure that you have an “Act As If” for the positive and A DIFFERENT ONE for the negative. Meanwhile, you have to tell the truth during the “test” questions, so the examiner knows the machine’s working right.

The “test” questions are very simple. You had to show them ID to get in the studio, so they know what your name is. They called you on the phone, so they know what your number is. They have your address on file. They will throw these questions in so that when you answer them truthfully, the machine indicates that you’re telling the truth (or rather, does NOT indicate deception), and they know the machine is calibrated properly. These questions are a breeze. Here’s the hard part…

The questions that I’m calling “positive” are questions that your girl will be HAPPY if you are telling the truth about these things. When the examiner asks you a “positive” question, such as:

Do you like having sex with your wife?

Is your wife the love of your life?

Do you think your wife is sexy?

You have to figure out on the fly that it’s a POSITIVE, and before answering, substitute the name of a chick that you think is attractive…. like, maybe.. Veronica Belmont. :D

So the questions YOU answer are:

Do you like having sex with [Veronica Belmont]?

Is [Veronica Belmont] the love of your life?

Do you think [Veronica Belmont] is sexy?

This way, you can truthfully answer “YES!!!!” to all three questions, and the polygraph will not indicate deception……. Unfortunately, since you’re probably not smart enough to convince yourself that he actually SAID “Veronica Belmont”, you’ll probably Epic Fail, because not only are you lying, you’re lying POORLY. :/

Same thing goes for the negative questions, such as:

DId you have sex with your wife’s favorite aunt?

Were you cheating with the woman who owns the panties your wife found under your bed?

Did you use the box of condoms in your glove compartment to have sex with other women?

You know the drill… Search & Replace. “Act As If”! :D

No, I did not have sex with YOUR MOMS!!!

No, I was not cheating with YOUR MOMS!!!

No, I did not use the box of condoms in my glove compartment ON YOUR MOMS!!!

See how simple? :D

3) Do NOT answer escalating questions

This is the way Lie Detector Tests work… When you tell the truth, nothing happens. When you attempt deception, the needle goes YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAA and the polygraph examiner knows that you just lied. The problem FOR YOU is that he’s not going to TELL YOU that he knows you lied. Here’s how to tell you just got busted, so you can STFU:

If dude asks “Did you ever cheat on your wife?” and you KNOW. DAMNED. WELL. that you did, but you answer “No, Sir” anyway (or some variation, “I’d never cheat on my wife”, “My wife is my heart”, “My wife is my whole life”….) and then the next question he asks you is:

“Have you ever cheated on your wife with FIVE different women?”

Do. Not. Answer. That. Question!!! You. Have. Been. BUSTED!!! Do Not answer ANY more questions along those lines. You have not cheated on your wife in a box. You have not cheated on your wife with a fox. You have not cheated on your wife for some Green Eggs & Ham. NUTH-THANG!… NOTHING! If you DO answer these questions, that’s when Maury gets to hit you with the double-shot, for the big Ratings Bonus:

Maury: “When asked if he’s ever cheated on you, he said ‘No’.”
Girl: :D
Guy: :D
Maury: “The Lie Detector Test said that is a lie…”
Girl: *silent with shock*
Guy: “What? No Way! I have NEVER!…”
Maury: “… more than 30 times.”
Girl: *Falls on floor*
Guy: *Starts imagining living under a bridge*

See that? You could have “survived” if you would have STFU when they started asking those escalating questions… “more than 5 times?”… “more than 10 times?”… “more than 30 times?”… Trust & Believe that wherever they stop asking you, you FAILED all the levels below that one.

4) The Green Room is not PHYSICALLY PAINTED GREEN!!! :/ (idiot)

“The Green Room” is a term used to mean a holding area for people that are not on the show at that point in time. Yes, it *MIGHT* actually have green walls, but it doesn’t have to. The episode that I saw that inspired this series featured a guy, sitting on a couch, in plain view of the camera, saying something to the effect of:

“I’m not going in the Green Room man, haha they send girls in there to trick you. I’m staying right here! :D “

Next thing you know, there’s a white flash, and there’s a girl sitting next to him on a couch. Wait. I need to go off on a tangent. :/

Dudes… PLEASE do not flatter yourselves that you came all the way from the sticks with your so-so looking girlfriend to New York City, where MILLIONS of people live, and according to disputed reports, there are 210,820 more single women than men, and it just so happens that you sit down on a couch inside a studio with SECURITY, where nobody can just walk in off the street, and some chick who’s there DURING WORK HOURS is gonna walk up to YOU, start a conversation, take her shirt off and make out with you. IT. IS. A. TRAP!… JEEZ! :/

On top of that, you are there WITH. YOUR. WIFE! (or girlfriend or whatever) After all that trouble you went through to lie your ass off through the polygraph examination, you think it’s a good idea to pick up chicks because your woman isn’t physically in the same ROOM with you? I mean, just because you can’t see your girl with your eyes means you can get away with ANYTHING?

Here’s your tip #4… Forget about The Green Room. How about, “If you come to NYC to prove to your girl that you’re not cheating, how’s about… NOT CHEATING UNTIL YOU GET BACK HOME?”

And Then… They don’t even send STUNNING chicks in there! :D They send your regular, average, run of the mill, pass five of them on every single New York City block type chick in there, and you go for it right off the bat! Way to make yourself look selective. Good luck getting a good spot for your cardboard box under that bridge.

~Bill

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Maury Show Tips: 01 – You Are An Idiot

Bill Cammack — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 22:25:35 +0000

Inititally, I wanted to make ONE post about The Maury Show, but I realized in discussing the concept with some of my lady friends that there are just too many topics to go over, so I’m going to have to make this a series.

Now, The Maury Show is very, very, VERY funny. It’s also sad, pathetic and depressing, but if you can get past the fact that these are real people on the stage, you can focus on laughing instead of crying.

This is not by luck or chance. It’s not an error. They don’t just HAPPEN to people involved in these weirdo circumstances by pot luck. It’s a setup…. It’s a setup, and the joke’s on YOU, Jack. :D

This series, “Maury Show Tips”, is going to help you help yourself just in case you end up on the show. Like all self-help situations, most of which end in “anonymous”, we have to begin with a basic premise that you will need to accept before you can absorb what I’m saying, understand it and utilize it in the near future. This basic, fundamental and ALL-IMPORTANT premise is:

You. Are. An. Idiot.

Now, this is very important. Don’t get upset. :) This is the first step in all of the “anonymous” programs. You have to realize you HAVE a problem before I can teach you how to COPE with your problem.

You might be wondering right now… “How does he know that I’m an idiot?” That’s easy. I know that you’re an idiot because you received a call to be on The Maury Show. When was the last time you saw someone INTELLIGENT on that show? ok then. It’s like fashion runways. When was the last time you saw someone short and fat on the runway? Never. That’s because fashion designers make prototypes of clothes. They only make ONE. Therefore, they have to hire models that fit into their clothes, so they have to hire everyone in the same size and shape range. The more their bodies resemble coathangers, the more the clothing is shown off the same way it hung on the mannequin when they were designing it. Anyway…

That’s how they get such interesting and ridiculous Maury Show episodes. They pre-screen for idiots and only call up the CHOICE ones… like you.

Now, in all fairness, there’s ONE exception to this rule, which I’ll get to later in the series. The ONLY way that you’ll get a call to be on The Maury Show and you’re not an idiot……. is if you’re DATING an idiot.

There are only two types of people on The Maury Show… The ones who DID the retarded thing, and the ones that had the retarded thing DONE TO THEM. If you’re SURE that you’re not an idiot, then it’s your S.O. There’s ALWAYS AT LEAST ONE IDIOT in segments of The Maury Show, and most times, TWO idiots, so even the fact that you’re the one on the receiving end doesn’t exonerate you from idiot-ness.

So, for the sake of this post, let’s just assume it’s you.

Now… The reason it’s so important to accept that you’re an idiot if a producer from The Maury Show calls and asks if you’d like to be a guest is that you have to understand that THEY are smarter than YOU are. This is the downfall of every idiot that goes on the show. Guys AND Gals are at fault. You go on the show, and you think that you’re smarter than the people on the show, when they speak twice as quickly as you do. These people have college degrees, you work in the sock factory, and you think you’re going to outsmart them. You’re not. You’re ESPECIALLY not going to outsmart TESTS, such as LIE DETECTOR TESTS and PATERNITY TESTS. If you insist on thinking that you’re smarter than you really are, you’re doomed to the same fate everyone else receives on that show.

That’s another thing. How come none of y’all do your research before you go on the show? How come y’all “go out” The. Same. Way. every single episode? Didn’t you WATCH the show, to see what happened to the people that came before you? :/

So now, if you’ve accepted your low-IQ status, you’re ready for the tips that are going to help you out if you’re foolish enough to AGREE to go on the show. :D

Tips For Stupid Guys

If you’re a guy, and you’re called in to take a paternity test, and they film you for one of those intro segments, DO NOT claim that you’re 100%, 200% or 1000% POSITIVE that you’re not the father if you KNOW DAMNED WELL you had sex with her without a condom. If you went up in there without a hat, there is A PERCENTAGE CHANCE that You. ARE. The Father! :D

It doesn’t matter if you pulled out before the main event. You could STILL be the father. It doesn’t matter if 4 other guys screwed the same chick without condoms during that week when she got pregnant. All THAT does for you is make it only a 1/5 = 20% chance that you ARE the father, so the BEST you can say for yourself in those intro segments is “I am 80% POSITIVE that I am not the father”.

It’s not an excuse that she’s a ho. Guys don’t come equipped with sperm that refuses to impregnate hoes. When it comes to sperm, a brotha’z gotsta get in where he fit in, dig? So if YOU put him on the playing field, he might just score a touchdown.

It’s not an excuse that she’s crazy. Crazy chicks get pregnant all the time… Probably more often than sane chicks. It’s not an excuse that you don’t like her mom. It’s not an excuse that your new girlfriend doesn’t like her. It’s CERTAINLY not an excuse that your new girl doesn’t believe that the baby’s yours. Unless this new chick was THERE to assess the situation (which I highly doubt, because y’all sit there looking like imbeciles while you let two idiot chicks scream at each other. It’s no wonder you ended up on this show. Take some CONTROL over your life. Damn. :/ ), she doesn’t know JACK about it so she needs to STFU and HOPE that you’re not the father.

Tips For Stupid Women

IF you end up getting called by a producer of The Maury Show, do yourself a favor and fess up THE FIRST TIME to how many guys went up in you around the time you got pregnant. I understand that you want to keep your man and you don’t want him to know you’re easy. I get that. Really. The problem is what I stated before. Instead of duping your stupid, idiotic boyfriend, you NOW have to dupe intelligent people and physical tests.

If you KNOW DAMNED WELL that your man isn’t the only possible father, NOW is the time to come clean. DO NOT cross your fingers and let them swab your cheek for DNA. Nobody’s going to have any sympathy for you when the test comes back negative and your man’s resisting from slapping the living $#%& out of you and you start bawling between sucking breaths, talkin’ ’bout “waaaaaaaaaaah… There was….. ONE… OTHER… GUY!… waaaaaaaaah”.

Now, in some cases, it’s not reeeeeally your fault. Like… Maybe you drank too much? :D Well… Sorry… As a grown-ass-woman, it’s your responsibility to NOT incapacitate yourself at parties. If you KNOW DAMNED WELL that you drink so much that you forget stuff the next day, your best bet is to admit that.

Actually, your man is an idiot as well if he doesn’t know this about you. Once you’ve had the experience of having sex with a chick and then she forgets all about it the next day (hahaha not because it wasn’t GOOD, but because alcohol removed her entire memory of the evening), you realize that her word means *NOTHING* when she tells you what she did or didn’t do the night before. It’s not that she’s LYING to you. It’s that the sex honestly occupies ZERO real estate in her Long Term Memory. Fellaz… If you received your chance to get on a chick because she was bombed out of her mind and then forgot about it, assume that’s a situation that’s going to repeat itself in the future.

So anyway… Your best bet is, once again, to fess up and come clean. Instead of saying “No, I did not have sex with your brother at the party”, say “I have no mental recollection of last night” and let the chips fall where they may. Your man shouldn’t be mad at you, because that’s how he got to have sex with you in the first place, drunk at a party. He should know that’s your M.O. and that’s what he signed up for. What he NEEDS to do is mark down the dates of your memory losses, so that if you come up pregnant anytime soon, he knows to get the kid tested ASAP.

Also, if you choose not to take my advice and fess up to all the guys that went up in you during your fertility window, do not trickle these guys out show after show. Once you’re busted with your man, the sky’s the limit! Call the whole football team if you have to, just get ALL of the guys out of the way at the same time. Yes, you look “cheaper”… but it’s better than looking DUMBER when show after show, the couple of dudes you called in start jumping up and down, hugging each other and calling you a whore to your face while Maury acts like he gives a damn and asks you to search your mind for ANY other guys that it might have been.

So, like I said, there are too many pitfalls on The Maury Show to cover in one post, so I’ll have more tips for y’all idiots in the near future. Until that time, just remember that you will NOT beat the paternity or lie detector tests and that Maury, the producers and even the PAs are smarter than you are.

Trust and Believe that if you go on the air thinking you’re smarter than you really are, you’ll be right up there on the next highlight reel, just like those dudes and chicks you were clowning for looking like idiots last season.