So the other day, I heard that Tiger Woods crashed his car and he was being treated for injuries. Once I heard the injuries weren’t career-threatening, I didn’t pay any more attention to the story. I read that he was in his car BY HIMSELF when he crashed and that his wife broke one of the car windows with a golf club to get him out. So what? Big deal.
Tiger Woods vs. Chris Brown
So now, readers Stephanie, Priscilla & Frank have pointed out to me that the internet’s buzzing with rumors that this-and-that happened, so I decided to see what the tabloids were talking about. Interestingly enough, it’s amazingly similar to the Chris Brown situation a few months ago:
1) Chick feels like she has exclusive access to a guy.
2) Chick supposedly receives information that her man was kickin’ it with some other chick.
3) Chick gets upset about it.
4) Chick wigs out and it gets physical.
A friend of mine once told me “The best way to cheat….. is NOT to cheat!”
This is true. In a perfect world, people would be monogamous and their word could be trusted when they say things like “I love you” and “You’re the only one I’m dating”. However, as you can read yourself in the New York Times, the buzz this week is about how Client 9 got caught cheating on his wife.
Now, I find this to be one of the “funny” things about this society. Guys are trained to go out there and get what they want. Make more money. Initiate Mergers & Acquisitions. Run for office. Play professional sports. Sell your startup… Guys are trained from birth to be the best and take what they want, and then they’re not supposed to apply that to women. Guys are expected to have just one chick and be satisfied with that, when they’re not expected to have just one company or play just one sport. Meanwhile, the more successful you are, the easier it gets for you to acquire and maintain chicks. I mean, think about it…. Why bother becoming Tony Soprano if you can’t enjoy it? What’s the point of acquiring wealth and power without the ability to do what *YOU* want with it?
Granted, the argument is “If you want to live the single lifestyle… BE single!” 😀 Again, this is true. However…. This doesn’t work for everyone. James Buchanan was the *ONLY* unmarried American President. In some professions, your opportunities for advancement are SEVERELY limited if you don’t have a wife. Similar to getting green cards, being married is just… necessary. It’s a part of the job description. Is this fair to the wife? No. Some know what they’re cosigning and some do not.
Anyway… If you juuuuust can’t help it, and you want to know how to cheat “right”, watch “The Sopranos”. 😀
Yes. I’m aware “The Sopranos” is fiction! 😀 However, if Client 9 had used his time to watch the series instead of scrambling from ATM to ATM to “get his funds up”….. um….. Well, FIRST OF ALL, he wouldn’t have been scrambling from ATM to ATM to get his funds up! 😀
Let’s see what else he wouldn’t have done, had he attended the Tony Soprano school for cheating:
“It was after 9 on the night before Valentineâ€™s Day when she finally arrived, a young…”
WRONG! 🙁 Actually… this is DOUBLE-WRONG, hahaha 😀 First of all, if you’re gonna cheat, you’re gonna have to pay some dues… such as being around the family at the right times, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day. Now, you may be thinking “but, it was the day before!”. The day before VD (hehe, ever notice that? The abbreviation for Valentine’s Day is VD? hehehe) is when you get to make your points by celebrating with your woman EARLY! Capisce? Let those other chumps start their celebrations ON Valentine’s Day. That’s actually *late*, especially if your woman works, because she’s sitting there all day, WONDERING if she’s got a nice surprise waiting for her when she gets home instead of BEAMING about what you already did for her the night before, and that morning. SO… “the night before a special event is NOT the time to rent a chick”.
This is ALSO wrong because Valentine’s Day in particular is when you’re supposed to be affectionate to chicks. This is going to be tough to do after you hook up with some chick you’re actually hot for, then, a couple of hours after that, you’re supposed to be all “Happy Valentine’s Day! :D” to your wife. SO… The correct order is to celebrate with your wife the night before and the morning *of* VD, then “get called away for business” later that evening. 😉
“This was at the Mayflower, one of Washingtonâ€™s choicer hotels…”
WRONG! 🙁 If you’re ballin’ like that, that you’re spending thousands of dollars to see one chick… you want to have an APARTMENT out of the way somewhere. You do NOT want to go to a hotel with CAMERAS, WORKERS and myriad OTHER PEOPLE that just might happen to be there. Also, it’s much easier to explain what you’re doing in an apartment complex than it is to explain what you’re doing by yourself on the eighth floor of a hotel with a big SMILE on your face. 😀
“….an online prostitution ring, the affidavit said…”
ummmmmmm……. Online?…. Prostitution?……..
Was there a bar when you walked in? 😀 Did the chick suggest that you pour her a drink while she goes in another room and changes? 😀
“There’s something that I need you need to know… I’m Chris Hanson….”
WHAAAAAAAT? :O Online Prostitution? wow. :/ Forget all that. What you want is a goomah, which is essentially an extra girlfriend.
This is where the apartment comes in handy. You also get to avoid scrambling to the ATM to get more money, avoid cell phone calls between a hooker, her boss and her boss’ boss, avoid getting a call from some agency during “family time” and probably MOST IMPORTANTLY, you get to avoid ordering chicks online.
“In a prior conversation, Client 9 had already told her that he had booked a room and had paid for it in his own name; now he asked who was coming…”
I realized after I began this post that commenting on this ONE article could easily take me a full month, so I’m going to stop here. 😀
Obviously, again, having a goomah enables you to AVOID conversations with hookers’ bosses. You also happen to know which girl you’re paying $,$$$ for. Being that I’m not a “trick” (a guy who pays chicks to have sex with him), I don’t know how that stuff works. I would assume you’d pick a particular chick and set up a time to see her instead of whatever chick happens to be available at the time? \o/ Maybe he was trying out different ones? Perhaps there was a special on certain chicks this month? Dunno. Anway…..
In the end, we circle back to the beginning. As you can see, “The best way to cheat….. is NOT to cheat!” 😀 …. Not because it’s “the right thing to do”, but because you’d either have to be a tactical genius or fictional television character to pull it off. If you’re considering cheating, mentally project yourself into the future of your getting caught. Then, look from there back into the past (which hasn’t happened yet), and ask yourself…..