I was chatting with reader “Eric” earlier today, and he reminded me that today is Side-Piece Day.

So.. Happy Side-Piece Day, Ladies! :D *waves*

Side-Piece Maintenance

A side-piece is a gal that may or may not think she’s your main girlfriend, but she most definitely is not.

For instance.. On “The Sopranos”, Tony’s wife was his wife, and his girlfriends were his side-pieces, get it? :)

However.. Since some guys don’t like to make it clear to the SP that she is what she is, they often pretend that she’s their best girlfriend, their main girlfriend, or, in extreme cases, their *ONLY* girlfriend.

This works very well, except for special occasions that pop up during the year.

To keep it simple.. Let’s say you only have two girlfriends, right?…

It’s not likely that they were born on the same day.

This means that you can celebrate both of your girlfriends’ birthdays with them as if the other one doesn’t even exist. No loss of propers for you.

Even if they share a birthday, since you only have two of them, it’s easy to split them by celebrating one on the weekend BEFORE their birthday, and one on the weekend AFTER their birthday.

Of course, during those years where their co-birthday falls on a Saturday or something, you’re kinda screwed. \o/

The next day is Christmas. That one’s not tough to play off if we’re still assuming you’re only dating two gals simultaneously. You can see one for Christmas Eve, and you can see one for Christmas Day.

New Year’s Eve is a REALLY tough one.

So you’re getting the point that eventually, the rubber meets the road, and you have to decide which one of your girlfriends is going to get the ACTUAL holiday, and which one is going to have to settle for something NEAR the actual holiday, preferably the day before or the day after.

Side-Piece Day

The absolute *WORST* day for guys with multiple girlfriends is Valentine’s Day.

Your best bet is to skip work altogether, and schedule one for breakfast, one for lunch, one for dinner, and one for late drinks.

Of course, this assumes you have only four girlfriends and a lot of credit.

If you can’t do that, and you HAVE TO go out with only one gal on Valentine’s day, it’s going to be your best girlfriend. No doubt. Valentine’s day will set the tone for the next 365, so you have to make sure you make it the best for your best girl so she makes the rest of your year the best for you! :D

This brings us to today.. Which is the day BEFORE Valentine’s day, or… Wait for it! :D ….. SIDE-PIECE DAY! :D

If this is handled carefully and not overdone, you can keep getting away with taking women out on side-piece Day and they never get hip to the game.

What you have to do is alternate side-pieces every other holiday.

So, you spend Thanksgiving with Chick A, and the day before Thanksgiving with Chick B… Next, You spend Christmas Day with Chick B and Christmas Eve with Chick A… This way, when they tell their girlfriend that you took them out on side-piece day, and she tries to cockblock you, your girlfriend stands up for you, because you spent Thanksgiving with her and her family, and you took her out the day before Valentine’s Day, because you had an important deadline for this project you’re finishing at work that was going to take you all day to complete and present, so there was no point in her trying to call or text you on V-Day, because you were going to be fully absorbed in your work, and you’d get back to her as soon as you could, which was probably going to be the entirely next day, because you were going to have to go out with your coworkers for drinks afterwards to celebrate your successful presentation and after so much drinking (and working), you were going to want to go right to sleep after that, so don’t call us, we’ll call you.

Are You A Side-Piece? o_O

Now.. Just because your man took you out on side-piece Day doesn’t mean that you *ARE* the/a side-piece, or even that he’s dating anyone other than you. You may very well be the only one, and he very well might have to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas, 4th of July, Presidents’ Day, and every single 3-day weekend American workers get during the year.

It’s possible. :)

I’m not going to go back over how you can tell whether you’re a side-piece or not, because that’s 4-year-old information => http://billcammack.com/2008/08/03/ladies-how-to-tell-he-has-a-girlfriend/. Go read it if you like.

If you determine that you *ARE* the SP, you have two options, bounce from the relationship, or step your game up so he chooses you over the rest of his girlfriends.

If you decide you’re going to stay, make a list of the positive features of being his side-piece, like how you only have to provide 1/2 to 1/4 of his sexual gratification.

Anyway…

If you have a date tonight.. The night *BEFORE* Valentine’s Day.. With “your” boyfriend.. And he already told you he’s going to be out of commission all day, tomorrow… HAPPY SIDE-PIECE DAY! :D
–
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So the other day, I heard that Tiger Woods crashed his car and he was being treated for injuries. Once I heard the injuries weren’t career-threatening, I didn’t pay any more attention to the story. I read that he was in his car BY HIMSELF when he crashed and that his wife broke one of the car windows with a golf club to get him out. So what? Big deal.

Tiger Woods vs. Chris Brown

So now, readers Stephanie, Priscilla & Frank have pointed out to me that the internet’s buzzing with rumors that this-and-that happened, so I decided to see what the tabloids were talking about. Interestingly enough, it’s amazingly similar to the Chris Brown situation a few months ago:

1) Chick feels like she has exclusive access to a guy.
2) Chick supposedly receives information that her man was kickin’ it with some other chick.
3) Chick gets upset about it.
4) Chick wigs out and it gets physical.

This is where these tabloid stories part ways:

5) Chris Brown: Kick Her Mother******* Ass!
Tiger Woods: Run For The Mother******* Hills!

6) Chris Brown: Explain it to the cops.
Tiger Woods: Don’t explain it to the cops. (stop snitchin’, yo!)

7) Chris Brown: Become an international pariah.
Tiger Woods: Remain an international hero and icon.

The obvious moral of the story here is that if you’re foolish enough to let your woman believe she’s within her rights to put her hands on you, make sure you run when she starts throwing joints instead of knocking her the **** out.

It’s time to pay for your mistakes by taking one for the team and then not snitching when your girl flattens you out with a two-piece. Bap-Bap!.. Down you go. That’s what you get. That’s good for you.

Another difference between the situations is that the cops questioned Chris Brown about why Rihanna was laying in the street jacked up. The cops questioned Tiger Woods about why he crashed HIS OWN CAR when he was in it BY HIMSELF. There’s no domestic violence call from either side, AFAIK. Therefore, regardless of what actually happened, Tiger can hold the line and say his injuries were from his crash and that’s the end of the entire story. If he has a problem with his woman or she has a problem with him, they’re going to work it out on their own, like Chris Brown should have but didn’t.

Screen Your Girls

Unfortunately, relationships tend to create a volatile combination of beliefs which can blow up pretty much at any time. If you’re foolish enough to live with this hanging over your head every day, you get what you deserve when your girl decides that a) she has the right to hit you because she feels badly about something she saw or heard and b) you DON’T have the right to hit her back because she’s a female and you’re not.

This needs to be dealt with practically immediately. If your girl can’t keep her hands to herself, eject her and get another one. It’s that simple, well.. It’s that simple if you do it off the bat. If you wait until you have kids and marriages without prenuptial agreements then you might have to do like the cartoons and tell her like sugar whether you’d like to receive one lump or two.

Of course, guys never screen for chicks’ personality flaws from the giddyap because we’re too busy tryin’na get laid. Who cares if she’s a psycho as long as the ass is fat, right? :D Who cares if she’s gonna go off the pill without telling you, right? Who cares if she’s gonna skate to another state with your kids, right? Who cares if she’s gonna start a physical problem with you if she THINKS you’re kickin’ it with some other chick, right? As long as the chick looks good and the guy likes the sex, it’s on & poppin’ and nothing else matters.

Meanwhile, guys are screened for EVERYTHING! :D How much money do you make? What’s your job title? Who are your friends? What car do you drive? What gym or country club do you belong to? hoops, hoops, hoops to jump through and guys NEEEEEVER turn around and do the same thing to gals because nobody cares. She makes minimum wage? She works in McDonald’s? She’s the CFO (Chief Fry Officer)? She doesn’t have any friends? (I wonder why…) She gets to work on a skateboard?…….. HERE’S MY NUMBER!!! CALL ME!!! :D

Stop Snitchin’

So anyway, screen your chicks, fellaz. If she seems like she gonna go whoops up-side your head I said whoops up-side your head if she doesn’t like something, see if you can talk her down. If she can’t be reasoned with, eject her and get a better girlfriend. If worse comes to worse and she does you like Manny Pacquiao did Miguel Cotto, tip over a ladder next to your house and tell the cops you fell off the roof.

Oh.. And while you’re in the hospital, layin’ up in traction, write out your list of benefits that you’re about to demand AND RECEIVE from your girl for not throwing her MOTHER******* ASS IN JAIL! This is still your fault for not laying down the law with her from the get that she’s not allowed to put her hands on you under ANY circumstances (and, of course, you’re not going to put YOUR hands on HER by the same agreement), but better late than never.

~ Bill Cammack | @BillCammack

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A friend of mine once told me “The best way to cheat….. is NOT to cheat!”

This is true. In a perfect world, people would be monogamous and their word could be trusted when they say things like “I love you” and “You’re the only one I’m dating”. However, as you can read yourself in the New York Times, the buzz this week is about how Client 9 got caught cheating on his wife.

Now, I find this to be one of the “funny” things about this society. Guys are trained to go out there and get what they want. Make more money. Initiate Mergers & Acquisitions. Run for office. Play professional sports. Sell your startup… Guys are trained from birth to be the best and take what they want, and then they’re not supposed to apply that to women. Guys are expected to have just one chick and be satisfied with that, when they’re not expected to have just one company or play just one sport. Meanwhile, the more successful you are, the easier it gets for you to acquire and maintain chicks. I mean, think about it…. Why bother becoming Tony Soprano if you can’t enjoy it? What’s the point of acquiring wealth and power without the ability to do what *YOU* want with it?

Granted, the argument is “If you want to live the single lifestyle… BE single!” :D Again, this is true. However…. This doesn’t work for everyone. James Buchanan was the *ONLY* unmarried American President. In some professions, your opportunities for advancement are SEVERELY limited if you don’t have a wife. Similar to getting green cards, being married is just… necessary. It’s a part of the job description. Is this fair to the wife? No. Some know what they’re cosigning and some do not.

Anyway… If you juuuuust can’t help it, and you want to know how to cheat “right”, watch “The Sopranos”. :D

Yes. I’m aware “The Sopranos” is fiction! :D However, if Client 9 had used his time to watch the series instead of scrambling from ATM to ATM to “get his funds up”….. um….. Well, FIRST OF ALL, he wouldn’t have been scrambling from ATM to ATM to get his funds up! :D

Let’s see what else he wouldn’t have done, had he attended the Tony Soprano school for cheating:

Quotes are from the New York Times article.

“It was after 9 on the night before Valentine’s Day when she finally arrived, a young…”

WRONG! :( Actually… this is DOUBLE-WRONG, hahaha :D First of all, if you’re gonna cheat, you’re gonna have to pay some dues… such as being around the family at the right times, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day. Now, you may be thinking “but, it was the day before!”. The day before VD (hehe, ever notice that? The abbreviation for Valentine’s Day is VD? hehehe) is when you get to make your points by celebrating with your woman EARLY! Capisce? Let those other chumps start their celebrations ON Valentine’s Day. That’s actually *late*, especially if your woman works, because she’s sitting there all day, WONDERING if she’s got a nice surprise waiting for her when she gets home instead of BEAMING about what you already did for her the night before, and that morning. SO… “the night before a special event is NOT the time to rent a chick”.

This is ALSO wrong because Valentine’s Day in particular is when you’re supposed to be affectionate to chicks. This is going to be tough to do after you hook up with some chick you’re actually hot for, then, a couple of hours after that, you’re supposed to be all “Happy Valentine’s Day! :D” to your wife. SO… The correct order is to celebrate with your wife the night before and the morning *of* VD, then “get called away for business” later that evening. ;)

“This was at the Mayflower, one of Washington’s choicer hotels…”

WRONG! :( If you’re ballin’ like that, that you’re spending thousands of dollars to see one chick… you want to have an APARTMENT out of the way somewhere. You do NOT want to go to a hotel with CAMERAS, WORKERS and myriad OTHER PEOPLE that just might happen to be there. Also, it’s much easier to explain what you’re doing in an apartment complex than it is to explain what you’re doing by yourself on the eighth floor of a hotel with a big SMILE on your face. :D

“….an online prostitution ring, the affidavit said…”

ummmmmmm……. Online?…. Prostitution?……..

Was there a bar when you walked in? :D Did the chick suggest that you pour her a drink while she goes in another room and changes? :D

“There’s something that I need you need to know… I’m Chris Hanson….”

WHAAAAAAAT? :O Online Prostitution? wow. :/ Forget all that. What you want is a goomah, which is essentially an extra girlfriend.

Amy & Joey

“In a prior conversation, Client 9 had already told her that he had booked a room and had paid for it in his own name; now he asked who was coming…”

I realized after I began this post that commenting on this ONE article could easily take me a full month, so I’m going to stop here. :D

Obviously, again, having a goomah enables you to AVOID conversations with hookers’ bosses. You also happen to know which girl you’re paying $,$$$ for. Being that I’m not a “trick” (a guy who pays chicks to have sex with him), I don’t know how that stuff works. I would assume you’d pick a particular chick and set up a time to see her instead of whatever chick happens to be available at the time? \o/ Maybe he was trying out different ones? Perhaps there was a special on certain chicks this month? Dunno. Anway…..

In the end, we circle back to the beginning. As you can see, “The best way to cheat….. is NOT to cheat!” :D …. Not because it’s “the right thing to do”, but because you’d either have to be a tactical genius or fictional television character to pull it off. If you’re considering cheating, mentally project yourself into the future of your getting caught. Then, look from there back into the past (which hasn’t happened yet), and ask yourself…..

Was it worth it?………

1993 ~ Amy & Joey ~ 2007


Client 9 Resigns ~ 2008

DatingGenius

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