Bill Cammack

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Bill & Frank discuss MiGente, MySpace, OkCupid, Facebook and the potential pitfalls of one gal inviting another gal along on a date as a “third wheel”.

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This is not a continuation of “Online Dating Tactics”. This is a response to a BlogHer post by Zandria M, entitled “Dating: ‘Tis the Season”.

Zandria: I’ve heard that more breakups occur during the holiday season than any other time of year. [...snip...] The thing is, though, I haven’t seen a drop in the amount of people looking for dates online. In fact, I’m receiving more expressions of interest than I did when I first signed up over the summer.

hehehe Excellent read, Zandria. :) Let me tell you what’s going on.

You explained why you’re getting more expressions of interest now than you did over the summer. Guys are dumping their girls for the holiday season OR they’ve already DECIDED that they’re dumping their girls, so they’re trolling for more women ahead of time. It’s like being a freelancer in a work situation. As a video editor, I get MORE work when people get fired or companies downsize. You’re experiencing the same thing with online dating.

The reasons you gave were spot-on. Basically, the holiday season is an expensive time to have a girlfriend, so guys tend to break up permanently or at least until the season’s over and take their girls back in January.

Another reason is that there are a lot of holiday parties right now, with a lot of DRUNK WOMEN at them. That’s where you want to be, instead of stuck at some party with a chick you already know… or even WORSE, over @ her relatives’ crib! :( This is PRIME TIME for meeting women and starting new relationships. Also, if you start a new relationship NOW, it’s too early for her to expect an expensive gift from you. :)

Zandria: The thing is, though, the more dating you do, the more instances of “Did he really do/say that?” tend to emerge.

You need to catalogue those increasing instances of “Did he really do/say that?” that you’re experiencing, because those are brief glimpses into what a lot of guys are actually thinking. It’s really the little things that give people away.

Zandria: I have had several “interesting” experiences.

For one thing, a lot of guys seem to think they’re six feet tall. I]ve spoken to a number of women who back up this theory of Male Online Dating Height Exaggeration. Guys who really are tall — say, over 6′2″ — tend not to lie. But if I see a profile that says the guy is 6′0″, I’m going to assume he’s at least an inch or two shorter than that. (If I’m 5′9″ and wearing not-very-tall heels, and the dude is also wearing shoes, and we’re looking each other straight in the eye? I’m sorry, but you’re not six feet tall.)

As far as the “six feet tall” thing, hahaha Online dating sites are set up in categories. This is how women and men get to choose whom they see in their search results. If a guy honestly states that he’s 5′9″ and a lot of women check the box that says 6′ or over, he doesn’t show up in the search results and he doesn’t get that date. Or, in some cases, where the site does the matchup FOR you, he doesn’t make the “compatible” list, so, again… HE doesn’t get that date. Since the whole point of him being on the service is to meet women that he wants to date or have sex with or whatever, he wants to meet as many as possible, so he LIES and says he’s 6′ tall. It’s not that he doesn’t REALIZE that he’s not that tall hahahahaha. It’s not that he has delusions about his height. He’s merely tricking you into going out on a date with him, when he’s actually below your selected height requirement.

It’s all in the game. :)

Oh… and apply the same logic to his salary.

Zandria: Another thing: some guys need to be more up-front about important matters that affect possible future relationships before you take the time to meet them in person. I had this one guy wait until our first meeting before he asked me, “Did I tell you that I’m about to be deployed to Iraq for seven months?”

As far as guys being “more up-front about important matters that affect possible future relationships”, nobody’s thinking about “possible future relationships” until they meet you in person. The way it works is, guys get what they can get… NOW… and if it continues, fine. So, if dude’s about to leave town, he’s looking for something to do UNTIL he leaves town. Similar to the “not 6-feet-tall” guy, he’s not going to ruin his chance to try to get some or have a temporary girlfriend by letting you know he’s not physically available for a LTR.

Once he meets you, it’s a different story. He might feel like “this one’s a keeper” and THEN come clean about his current status and future plans. I guess I should have put ‘clean’ in quotes, because STDs are another thing guys (AND gals) don’t tend to mention on online dating sites.

Zandria: Then there are the things that just make me go “Hmm…” Like the guy who came across as really formal and straight-laced, but when I called him out on it (yes, I will call you out if it’s warranted) he assured me, “I do have a dark and twisted side.”

As far as dudes announcing that they “have a dark and twisted side”, that normally means that they don’t, but they’d be willing to make one up so as to not get rejected for being boring. Also, “dark and twisted” is relative to his own experience. I know women who think doggie-style is dark and twisted, hahahaha :D The point is that guys are going to SAY whatever they have to say in order to stay on track to hooking up with you. If they’re wackos, they’re going to say they’re not. If they’re boring, they’re going to say they’re not.

If you want to know if a guy’s “twisted” for real, look in his eyes and then ask him what he wants to do to you.

So, yeah, that’s “how we do”. Lie as much as you need to in online dating so you get a chance to run your IRL game on her. Best-case scenario, the 5′9″ broke-as-a-joke, unemotionally available, boring dude gains the physical company of a female he finds attractive for one or more evenings. Worst-case scenario, she walks out the door as soon as she sees you, because you’re not what she wanted… except that’s the same outcome as if you hadn’t lied on your application in the first place and she never chose you, so who cares?

It’s all in the game. :D

~Bill

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Interestingly enough, both Alana Taylor & Amanda Gravel posted about people’s Facebook rap tactics this week… although their topic is really universally applicable in the world of Social Media.

Essentially, Amanda’s post was about how people send friends requests with zero context or explanation of who they are or why they want to be “friends” with her. Alana’s post is about a guy friending her and immediately writing stuff to her that she found creepy:

Alana: “WHATT?? Can you come off as any more of a creep???

I have no idea who this guy is, but he is telling me in a Facebook message that his fantasy is to marry a girl he sees in a picture!?!?!”

hahaha Oh Man! :D Online dating is a bad idea to begin with (Especially if she’s a PC-user. Bleech! :( ) But I think the problem here is that the lines have blurred between Social Media sites and online dating sites. I don’t think the fact that Facebook throws people’s relationship status updates on their front page helps either, haha.

I went the other day to the Facebook home page and saw that a friend of mine had broken up with whomever she had been dating. At least that’s what I thought I read, because there was this big, red broken heart in the middle of the page with the caption “Whomever is no longer listed as in a relationship”. Come to find out later that day when I talked to her that she hadn’t broken up with her boyfriend, she had hidden her status entirely. For some odd (read: stupid) reason, that prompts Facebook to issue the announcement “no longer listed as in a relationship”. Um…. WHO CARES? How about NOT announcing that AT ALL, or at least changing the name to something less misleading, such as “Whomever has hidden their relationship status”.

So, since Facebook likes to tell people when other people are single (or show no relationship status at all), it makes sense that single guys are going to hit on single girls and see what they can get. Unfortunately, a lot of guys get their rap tactics from television and movies (which are… SCRIPTED!) and really have nothing intelligent to say to women at all. In this case, these guys should have read “Take her to the Book Store!”, because “You look good” and “I have fantasies about you and me” isn’t gonna cut it. It’s ALSO gonna get your spot blown when you get blogged or twittered about. :D

ChrissieB: “Men, please listen up, “women talk!” If you ask 1 girl out & DM another girl in her network about a date as well, you will NEVER get a date.”

D-Oh! >-<

Another problem with kicking "You look good" as your opener and closer in a rap email is that Social Media chicks spend a considerable amount of time expressing their personalities and ideas online. This allows you to E-Stalk them at your leisure. It’s not like meeting them in the club, where you don’t have a chance to know anything about them EXCEPT for how they look. So… When the only thing you have to tell them is your physical reaction to a picture you saw of them, you’re telegraphing the entire reason you friended them in the first place.

OTOH, it’s disingenuous to “Fake it ’till you Make it”. I’m not saying to hide the fact that you think she’s physically attractive. I’m saying “You look good” has to be ONE of the reasons you wanted to talk to her… not THE ONLY REASON you wanted to talk to her. :D

Amanda’s post was more generally applicable outside the realm of “the pursuit of happiness”. When you’re going to “friend someone” on Facebook or wherever, it’s usually a good idea to tell them WHY you’re doing that. This is an ESPECIALLY GOOD IDEA if you have no contacts in common with them, whatsoever. Even if you do have a bunch of people in common, that doesn’t mean that you and this other person should be contacts, like for no reason.

I’m definitely guilty of sending out messageless Facebook friend invites. :) However, when I do that, I’m more extending the *opportunity* for someone to be in contact with me than attempting to begin an active dialogue between us. It’s more of an indication, an acknowledgment that I’ve seen Social Media content from that person that I’ve found interesting, cool or educational. I currently have 668 Facebook “friends”. Assuming I were able to remain awake for 24 hours in a row, that means that I could interact with each of them for 2.1556886 minutes per day. Oh… that’s assuming I didn’t interact with anyone from Myspace, LinkedIn, forums, mailing lists, comments on my own site, iChat IMs……. So, for me, friending people on Facebook is more like “Hi. I’ve seen you around. Get in contact if you want to :) “.

However, if your goal is to start up some sort of non-shallow relationship with someone, Amanda’s absolutely right that it REALLY IS a good idea to let them know WHY you’re friending them and don’t make them search all over creation to figure out who you know, what you do and what you feel the value TO YOU is of meeting that person. Also, if your goal is to kick game and get on, realize that “You look good” worked for Richie Cunningham because “Happy Days” was a television show. It was in the script that Richie would do dumb stuff, but get the rap anyway. That stuff doesn’t work IRL and it works even less online. Balance out your approach between what your benefit is to kickin’ it with her and what HER benefit is to kickin’ it with YOU and you’ll have a much better chance not to end up in the tabloids.

DatingGenius

Here’s ONE of those situations where women have their rap game seriously screwed up. :) … I mean *SRSLY*!!! hahahaha

How many women have you heard complain that a guy wants to have sex with them, or at least complain that he’s thinking about it?

I’m not talking about in a business situation. I’m talking about in dating situations. For instance, as far as online dating… How many times have you heard women complain about providing full-body pics to potential suitors? Guys they’re already kicking it to and interested in dating.

First of all… If you’re not physically attractive… Why are you trying to be slick? :) If you EVER go out with him IRL, he’s going to see what your body looks like anyway. This is one of the reasons a lot of chicks get dumped after their first date. They go to these extreme lengths to hide what they look like, thinking they can get over when the time comes on the strength of their online sales pitch.

Fellaz… Has this ever happened to YOU? HAHAHA The old “Bait & Switch”? You know… How chicks like to use mega-ancient pictures of themselves as if they still look that way? :D How about the good old “Crop The Picture As Close Around Your Eyes As Possible” trick? :D These are all grand tactics for the ladies to get virtual raps, but as soon as he actually sees you, the jig is up!

Second… Women who *ARE* actually physically attractive hide as well. The goal there is to avoid guys who “just want them for their bodies” or selected them “for their looks and not their minds” etc etc… This is all well and good if you’re looking for a debate partner. The fact of the matter is that if you’re reading dating advice, you’re probably trying to pair-bond. The only reason for PBing is sex. Notice how women tend to throw the word “just” in front of “friends” to make “just friends”? All that means is that they’re claiming that they’re not having sex with the guy in question. The barrier between being friends with a chick and being her significant other is sex. Everything else is available to everyone else. When the relationship ends, the “other” loses his significance and returns to GenPop. This is known as Serial Monogamy.

Since you’re dating with the goal of hooking up with a guy as a boyfriend or whatever, and the only delineation between friend and boyfriend is sex, it’s really in your best interest to be as attractive to potential suitors as you can, ASAP. This assists you in two MAJOR components of your rap game:

1) GETTING a man… and then
2) KEEPING a man

Except for guys that have particular fetishes, NOBODY is looking for unattractive women. Nobody. When was the last time you heard someone go “Man! She’s REEEEEEALLY BUSTED! I think I’ll go meet her! :D”? That’s right. Never. How many business owners go to lengths to make their storefronts look shabby in the hopes of getting more customers? None. So why are you hiding your looks or trying to make yourself look corny in pictures? Why not put your best foot forward? Will you end up with more creeps and trolls? Yes you will. :) You will ALSO end up with more viable suitors so you can get out of the game faster and not have to deal with any of this after you PB.

I understand that there’s an issue that women have where guys don’t pay attention to their minds AT ALL, and they’re trying to narrow the field down to guys that would talk to them anyway, IF they actually were busted. It’s like those experiments they do when they dress up attractive chicks in these sumo-wrestler-body outfits and take them to the mall and film it. The chicks find it amazing how invisible they are, because they totally didn’t believe that their physical attractiveness was what was getting them attention.

Meanwhile, MSM sells women products all day, every day, so they can get in shape and fix their hair properly and have makeup on and eat the right things and wear the right clothes for their body-type, etc. If your looks are so important to you that you spend money to maintain and enhance them, why play yourself down when it comes to meeting someone that you’re planning and HOPING to have sex with?

Then again, :) Maybe you’re NOT planning or hoping to have sex with someone you meet through online dating. The newsflash for you is that that’s called a FRIEND, and you don’t have to date to get those. :D