Bill Cammack

One of the reasons I don’t get involved in Pair-Bonding or Serial Monogamy is that I enjoy the spontaneity of life. I really DETEST when I know what’s going to happen the next day, or really, today’s afternoon, evening or night. The only time I know these things for sure is when I get booked to work on-site for a client. Mostly, I work off-site, so I get things done when they GET done, so long as it’s before the deadline. This means I might be working at 3am and sleeping at 1pm. I might work all the way through Saturday and Sunday and then have the weekdays completely to myself. Ultimately, I do WHAT I want to do, WHEN I want to do it, and that’s the way I like it. :D

I suppose this comes from growing up in New York City, I mean, other than genetic predisposition. :D All we did was go to school, play sports, hang out with the fellaz and chase chicks. I didn’t even drink at the time, which seems to be a “Well.. DUH” statement, except that friends of mine in 5th grade were having parties where they raided their parents’ liquor cabinets every weekend (at least), so I’ve been aware of alcohol since then, but I wasn’t interested. Chicks are my high.

So, as we were hanging out, we never knew WHAT was going to happen, but SOMETHING always happened. I suppose “the wonders of life” can become addicting when you have so many fun and interesting experiences, some fanatstic, some awful, some disgusting, but nevertheless SOMETHING always happening, and you always have “war stories” the next time you run into your friends. Read the rest of this entry »

I intended to do this list about a week ago, but it turned into “Why Are You Hiding Your Significant Other?”. This time, I’m actually going to get to the list. :D

Richard Blakeley wrote a post for Boinkology.com called 5 Reasons New York City Is The Neverland Of Dating. I thought I’d add a few reasons why NYC is an especially good environment for guys.

1) Too many good-looking girls

There are too many attractive women in NYC. There’s too much selection. There’s no reason to choose one, because there’s no particular benefit of one over the other…. Actually, it’s more accurate to say there’s no reason to select ONLY one, because while there are lots of great women here, that doesn’t mean that one trumps the entire rest of the set. The cream rises to the top, of course, so there certainly are women that distinguish themselves as unique and worthwhile, but in the meantime… game on! :D

NYC doesn’t have too many good looking girls per capita… it’s merely by population density. As I mentioned in the women’s guide to NYC dating, NYC happens to be THE PLACE TO BE with an excess of females to the tune of 210,820 more single women than men! And that’s only those that declared themselves single. We’ll get to that later.

So let’s say that out of 200,000 extra women, there are maybe 40,000 that are physically attractive. Obviously, if you were fast enough to pull one new chick every single day, that would only be 365 chicks in a year, so on full tilt, there’s no way you would ever run through the entire selection of excess NYC females. Not even pulling two or THREE a day. And that’s only if the population remained static. We’ll get to that later.

Basically, the effect of this is that every time you go to an event in New York City, you will encounter at least one attractive woman you’ve never seen before. If you take mass transit, you won’t even make it to the event. There are women in the subways, women walking on the street, women in restaurants, eating… It’s not like this is the sticks, where there are a finite number of attractive chicks, and your goal in life is to select the best one and have kids with her.

This is why the only way for women to distinguish themselves is via PERSONALITY. Be interesting and unique and you have a chance to catch the eye of someone who’s looking for a special lady. Other than that… as hot as you might be, you’re also absolutely expendable. Go hang out outside a club if you don’t believe me. :) If you want to find out how hot you’re NOT… go stand next to chicks that are absolutely on top of their game, looks-wise.

This brings us to reason #2…

2) Too many women with low self esteem

Being one of an extra 210,000 women isn’t a strong starting position. It’s even worse if you aren’t one of the (speculated unprofessionally by DatingGenius) 40,000 stunning women. This means that you get to go out to bars and buy your own drinks while all the guys trip over each other trying to buy drinks for the hotter chicks. This means that guys stand right next to you, plotting and scheming with each other on how they’re going to pull OTHER chicks, as if you’re not even there… or as if you’re one of the fellaz. This is a consistent blow to the self-esteem of these otherwise-viable chicks. Take the same women and drop them in Kansas or someplace, and they’d be the top dogs.

Unfortunately for them, NYC is graded on a curve. It’s not how good you look… It’s how good you look RELATIVE to the rest of the women in the room you’re currently in. This is why some chicks adopt the tactic of only hanging out with women that are less attractive than they are. They bring along their own posse to make them look better.

This is a great thing for guys in NYC, because it’s like you get a discount on perfectly attractive women that get bombarded daily with the fact that they’re less attractive than the top echelon. You don’t have to try as hard as, say, a guy in Los Angeles where there are fewer women to begin with and they’re generally better looking so you get more souped-up chicks that make you work to get a rap.

3) Turnover – Always more chicks

NYC does not have a static population. There’s crazy, crazy turnover. :D There are always chicks moving in and chicks moving out. Chicks changing neighborhoods. Chicks getting new jobs. Chicks being temporarily relocated for jobs. Even if the fellaz were stuck with our ~40,000 stunning chicks, we’d be cool, but there are always more being added. Chicks returning from college. Chicks that work in stores in the city where you have access to them. Chicks that start taking the subway instead of driving. Chicks that try the bar you frequent on a whim.

DatingGenius had this situation occur a couple of months ago where this chick brought around this other chick who was very attractive, and perfectly expendable. At some point, the expendable chick tried to convince me that I cared what she thought about me. I calmly and rationally explained to her that while I thought she was hot and I liked her as a person and had respect for her and her accomplishments, I couldn’t POSSIBLY give a DAMN what she thought about me, and I told her why.

In my existence, she was simply a SINGLE INSTANCE of a recurring situation. Including our three-hour knock-down, drag-out conversation, I had been introduced to her that very day, hung out with her for probably a total of five hours, then she was gone. Never to be seen or heard from again. That’s how we live. Turnover. I knew she wasn’t going to exist anymore later on that very day. Why in the world would I care what someone thinks that doesn’t exist? :) I told her to her face what was going to happen after our conversation was over, and that’s exactly what happened. I never spoke to her again and never heard another story about her. Gone.

This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I’ve left behind
A simple prop…to occupy my time
This one goes out to the one I love
Fire

4) Girls don’t go out with guys they’re attracted to, they go out with guys that will have them

So the first three points dealt with women that declared themselves as single. So what about the rest of them? What about the women that said they have boyfriends or whatever. First of all, due to Serial Monogamy, chicks are becoming available every single day. Relationships end in a split second, so the chick that had a boyfriend last week is single and available this week and is involved in a new Pair Bond next week. It’s a goof. If you catch a chick at the right time, she’s available. Period.

However, during the time that they’re Pair-Bonded (PBed), they’re still potentially available. It all depends on why they claim to be “spoken for” in the first place. In general, women in this town aren’t aware of how poor their odds are of exclusively hooking up with a guy they really want. Eventually, they begin to cascade through the levels…. there are too many good-looking women in this town… how does she match up to them?… how’s she going to get what she wants?… lower self-esteem… lower standards… selection of a boyfriend out of what she can get vs what she really wanted in the first place.

The result of this is that there are a lot of women who will tell you they have boyfriends for the purpose of a survey, but they’re simultaneously disgruntled and unsatisfied in their relationships. They don’t stop wanting what they wanted just because they settled for less. This is the grand opportunity for guys in NYC to borrow other guy’s women. It’s actually EASIER than pulling single women because the single chicks have announced themselves as available and have suitors coming out of the woodwork. “Spoken For” women have restricted themselves to some herb and actively block other guys from hooking up with them. It’s like being in the desert and refusing water when it’s offered to them.

Which brings us to reason #5…

5) Guys don’t know how to handle chicks

For the most part, guys have no idea why their women are with them. They pulled the chicks by luck to begin with (or because the chick cascaded into settling), and then they watch the television news for tips on what to buy her for valentine’s day. It’s not like these guys have any pull over their girls other than the fact that they verbally agreed with each other to be “in a relationship”.

This is another reason why the number of available women in NYC is higher than you’re going to find out from a suvey. Even if they’re in a relationship, they’re thinking for themselves and ready to trade up. I’m sure that every single day here, some guy’s girl breaks up with him out of the blue, and he has no idea why. Chicks are like that. They hold on to whatever they have until they’re certain they have something else, then they bounce. :)

So since none of these guys are working on improving their game AND their chicks probably weren’t physically attracted to them in the first place when they agreed to PB with them, we can add these non-enthralled chicks to the NYC dating pool.

6) Vacation Location

NYC is a vacation location. We all know “how women do” when they’re on vacation! ;) That’s a post of its own… We have tourists coming to this town every single day = more turnover. They’re looking for fun and exciting things to do. They want to be out on the town and enjoying their time here. They want to mingle with and meet NYC people. Women come here strictly to shop. Women come here to go see Broadway plays. Women come here for business meetings and conferences.

So, on top of our extra 210,000 chicks, there’s an endless stream being imported/exported daily. There’s tons of mass transportation, so they’re easily accessible. The tourist spots remain packed from the mornings well into the evenings. Lots of non-American women to boot…. which is ALSO its own post. :)

So, including Richard’s five, now you have 11 reasons why New York City is the Neverland of Dating (for the fellaz) :D There’s no reason to select one chick AT ALL unless she completely rocks your world and you’d rather spend time with her day in and day out over the other 210,000+ available women in this town.

DatingGenius

Reader SlightlyScared writes:

SlightlyScared: “I recently met a woman online through Twitter that I think might be a worthy woman for me to hang my long-time bachelor status for. We’ve been talking via instant messenger and she seems read and incredible. There are pictures of her online, she seems to be open about herself, has a web site, etc. We haven’t talked on the phone or really talked about anything personal and I can’t think of a way to move to the phone without giving away I like her more than a chat buddy. There isn’t a reason for us to talk on the phone and I don’t want to scare her off. I can walk up to a woman anywhere but this woman I am anxious about the things I do. DatingGenius, do you have any advice? Tyme, would you push a man away if he wanted to talk on the phone? It would mean giving up her phone number and some women hesitate on that. Thanks in advance.”

I meant to write about that directly, but there’s a more general issue that needs to be addressed.

For all the talk of “women’s intuition”, women are ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS about when a guy likes them. Completely. :D … This works to you advantage and also to your disadvantage.

It works to your advantage because you get to avoid the path of redundant self-desctruction which is turning a perfectly good female friend into an ex-girlfriend. See… Chicks can’t take it that you just plain think they’re hawt and you like hanging out with them and messing with them. They have to get *GREEDY*! :D They start envisioning dating you, then being engaged to you then being married to you then having kids with you blah blah blah blah blah….. This is why it’s ALWAYS chicks that want to “have the talk”… “Where is this relationship going? :(” … “What are we to each other? :(” … “Are we ’serious’?” HAHAHAHAHAHA :D

You can avoid all this by just not kicking it to them in the first place and remaining their friend. You get MUCH more utility out of a chick as a friend than you would as a girlfriend. She will MIND HER BUSINESS when some other chick wants to kick it to you. It’s no big deal to her if you don’t call her for a week or two. You can go out with her all you want and survive multiple iterations of boyfriends.

It’s the best thing in the world to be friends with hot chicks, because they have no shelf-life. No expiration date. You get to keep them forever, and their boyfriends only have them for a few months or years at a time, and then they disappear like dust in the wind. Never to be mentioned again. Never to be seen again. Like some effing GHOSTS. Gone. Nobody. Nothing. Meanwhile, you’re still meeting up with her for drinks like you did before THIS boyfriend and like you did before the boyfriend before HIM……

Now, the DISADVANTAGE IS that while you’re “being her friend”, if your actual goal was to be her BOYFRIEND, she’s completely oblivious to your intentions. Most chicks in this United States society are pair-bonders. They’re looking to hook up with ONE guy and stick with him until they croak. By playing the friend role, you’re actually getting FURTHER from being her boyfriend instead of closer. She’s spending time with you, but keeping her eye out for guys that are ABOUT SOMETHING. She’s envisioning two-car garages and kids and dogs and cats and grass you have to mow and mortgages you have to pay and getting together at her grandparents’ house on Sundays. The more you play that “friend” game, the LESS she thinks of you as a boyfriend.

Think about it… If you were serious about dating her, you would have said so, right? It’s completely erroneous to believe that friendship -> dating. It *CAN*, but most of the time, chicks are pretty quick. They play it off like they don’t like you, but they can feel it deep down inside. They know if they want to get with you practically immediately. If she decides that you’re boyfriend material, and you’re busy playing the friend role, you know what’s going to happen? She’s going to shut down.

As much as GUYS hate rejection, chicks hate it way more. If she’s into you and you’re not clearly into her, she may suck it up…. suppress it. I mean, if she believes in “the one” (which is an entirely different topic :/), HOW can you be “the one” when you’re right there in her face and you’re only interested in her as a friend? If you were “the one”, wouldn’t YOU feel what SHE’S feeling? Does that make sense? By playing the friend role, when you really mean to date her, you’re actually negating yourself as her “knight in shining armor” that’s going to scoop her up and take her away from the dating scene.

So… Getting to SlightlyScared’s question…

When are you going to pull the trigger? When are you going to turn the corner? You’re asking how to get from IM to phone without “giving away that you like her more than a chat buddy”. What’s the future of that? Think about it? “How do I get her to video chat with me without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I invite her out to dinner without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I take her to the movies without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I get her to come to the crib without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I get her to cook for me without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I make out with her without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I have sex with her without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” ………

See what I mean? It has to end somewhere. Sooner or later, you’re going to do something that makes her go “hey….. I think this guy’s attracted to me like that…” What happens then? What’s your plan after that? It’s a really good idea to assume that she’s completely CLUELESS that you’re romantically interested in her. As a matter of fact, keep it up with this “friends” tactic, and when you finally drop it, she MAY NOT EVEN BELIEVE YOU! :D How about that? How would you like that?

The trick here is that as poor judges of character as women are, they THINK they’re excellent judges of character. By the time you jump out of the cake like “SURPRISE!!! I LIKE YOU!!! :D”, she’s already used her superior intuition to determine that you DON’T like her, or else you would have tried something by now. So now you’re stuck. She thinks you’re kidding, because in order to believe you, she’d have to admit that she ISN’T a good judge of character, and that you wanted her, BADLY, all this time, and she never noticed it. This leads her into a state of Cognitive Dissonance. Click that link and read about it. It’s very useful, if you know what to do with it, but if you don’t, it could be a rap-destroyer… AND a potential friend-destroyer.

So… My answer to the question is to forget about keeping the wool pulled over her eyes. :D Think about how you’re going to get from your current “friendship” to the relationship you *ACTUALLY* want. And think about it SOON, before the next man steps up and scoops your chick.

DatingGenius