Bill Cammack

Purplecar called my attention last night to a post on CNN.com by Wendy Atterberry called “Why women shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ first”. There were some decent points in the post, in the typical advice column fashion:

Wendy: “But an ‘I love you’ uttered too soon, before the man has processed his feelings and reached the same level of adoration could end a relationship that just as easily could have had an eternal shelf life. As soon as those words are said, they change the dynamic. If a man isn’t feeling the love quite yet, he may suddenly feel pressure to manifest that emotion. And if the woman doesn’t get the response she expected, it could damage her confidence enough to derail the whole relationship entirely.”

I’m sure that this scenario plays itself out every single day, all around the world. I think the advice is valid for the way people approach “Love”. The problem is that lots of people have a retarded idea of what “Love” actually is.

I know this is going to be hard for you to process, because it so complex, but bear with me for a minute… you ready?… The reality of the situation is:

You Love Who You Love

That’s it. There’s nothing more that matters in that sentence. Everything else is on the fringe… window dressing. There are only two states. You love someone or you don’t. Period. There may be REASONS why you love this person, but that has nothing to do with the STATE of feeling love or being in love. Read the rest of this entry »

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So I’m reading this BlogHer post and the author is amazed that her boyfriend dumped her for not sexing him often enough (in this case, 3 times a week) and I’m like ????? What did you expect?

You know? I mean, really. :/ I find it amazing that we’re moving into the year 2009 and grown-ass-women who have access to books, televisions, IRL friends and computers are SURPRISED when they get dumped because they’re sexually incompatible with their significant other.

That’s why you were hired. Just about the ONLY items in your job description are:

  a) look good
  b) don’t act like a jerk
  c) be sexy

If you can’t do that, you deserve to be fired, and there shouldn’t be any question in your mind why you were ejected. I mean, it’s dumb… It’s like taking a job as a teacher and then complaining that kids keep showing up and asking you questions. :/ What did you EXPECT to do as somebody’s GIRLFRIEND? Read the rest of this entry »

I have this friend… We’ll call him “B”……. And… NO, it’s not ME! :/ This isn’t one of those “I have a friend” confessional stories.

So, I met “B” and hung out with him a couple of times and like Arianna supposedly said, I metabolize experiences fast, so I pretty much knew what to expect from “B” when he was on the scene. He had a consistent demeanor and was an overall nice guy and a thoughtful person.

So, fast forward a few months, and I arrive at this cookout, and I see that “B” got there before I did, and he’s talking to a chick. So I’m like “aiiiiiiiite? Way to go, “B”, get your rap ON! :D “… So I walk up to them, and tell “B” ‘hi’, and he introduces me to the woman he’s chatting with, whom we’ll call “V”. I spoke with “V” briefly, as I was just arriving and needed to know where they had stashed the brews!

I excused myself to grab a beer and when I turned back around to look in B & V’s direction, I noticed something out of the ordinary. B was smiling too much! :D Just. Too. Damned. Much! haha It was completely outside of his “normal” demeanor. I stayed over by the brews, observing, but it just didn’t go away! B just kept smiling and smiling and smiling and smiling. Rapt attention, hanging on every single word V was saying. V was smiling also, but that might have been perfectly normal for her, since I had never met her before.

Eventually, I went over and re-joined the conversation, and it just didn’t stop. It was on some kind of Stepford Wives ish, except BOTH OF THEM were brainwashed, and not just the chick. :D

At some point, they left the party, but not before I became aware that B was dating V. They just walked off into the sunset, smiling their asses off like the people in Whoville before The Grinch stole their Christmas.

Fast forward a few more months, and I got to hang out with B & V again, still smiling their asses off, except now they’re married. This took me back to a situation where I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she asked me something like “How old do guys have to be before they’re ready to settle down?”. I knew who she was dating at the time, and didn’t want to tell her she just WASN’T THE ONE that was going to inspire him to “settle”. It doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with how old a guy is or some change that’s supposed to occur within his system on its own. It has EVERYTHING to do with the difference that it makes to him that SHE’S around.
Here in NYC, we meet women every single day…. at least *I* do. I’ll be meeting some more tonight, and some more tomorrow night. *yawn*. When I saw B talking to V, I thought he was starting his rap, but he was in the midst of it. AFAIK, he could have met her right there at that cookout, but it turns out he had brought her with him. *NOTE* That’s a pretty good sign, ladies. If a guy starts dragging you around to social engagements, that normally means that he prefers YOUR company to the random odds of the company he’ll encounter at the event.

Another good sign is that he looked like there was some kind of magnet pulling him towards V, hahaha like it would have been a pain or a struggle to look somewhere else or listen to what someone else had to say when she was right there to be enjoyed, verbally and visually.

So the point is, if you want to know how your relationship’s doing, don’t ask The Kid, :D Use your “woman’s intuition” to determine whether or not you have ANY effect on him whatsoever. If you don’t, your relationship probably won’t be escalating anywhere anytime soon. If you do, he may already be as into you as he’s going to be, which means that regardless of what he CALLS your relationship, he’s “bout-it bout-it” when it comes to you. That’s obviously way more important than whether he gives you a new title or puts a ring on your finger.

I saw the same thing happen with another friend of mine. I had already “metabolized” how he interacted with chicks and then I hung out with him one time with this new chick (meaning *I* had never seen her before), and I swore up and down she had to be his cousin or something, because of his totally different demeanor around her. He was a lot more calm and “chill”. He was clearly where he wanted to be and around someone he loved to be around. That was the difference that SHE made in his life. They’re not married yet, but he bought her a couch, which is pretty much the same thing. :D

Also, in both cases, the women in question weren’t doing anything. Nothing. :) Not cooking, not cleaning, not sexing, not dancing, not trying to be sultry, not dressed in any particular fashion, probably not excessively rich (though I don’t know), both attractive but neither a model… just by being themselves, they brought incredible amounts of enjoyment to their men, which made a difference and made them the cream that rose to the top.

So that’s the answer, ladies. It has nothing to do with WHEN he’ll feel committed to you and everything to do with how he feels when you’re around. If you don’t feel like he’s really feelin’ ya, it’s time to step your game up, get comfortable with your relationship as-is, or step to the left and spend time with someone who honestly, authentically enjoys your company and appreciates you for who you are.

~Bill

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This is not a continuation of “Online Dating Tactics”. This is a response to a BlogHer post by Zandria M, entitled “Dating: ‘Tis the Season”.

Zandria: I’ve heard that more breakups occur during the holiday season than any other time of year. [...snip...] The thing is, though, I haven’t seen a drop in the amount of people looking for dates online. In fact, I’m receiving more expressions of interest than I did when I first signed up over the summer.

hehehe Excellent read, Zandria. :) Let me tell you what’s going on.

You explained why you’re getting more expressions of interest now than you did over the summer. Guys are dumping their girls for the holiday season OR they’ve already DECIDED that they’re dumping their girls, so they’re trolling for more women ahead of time. It’s like being a freelancer in a work situation. As a video editor, I get MORE work when people get fired or companies downsize. You’re experiencing the same thing with online dating. Read the rest of this entry »

Women have to look good and men don’t. Period. If you don’t believe me, look around. This is because men and women have (for the most part) entirely different criteria for selecting someone to pair-bond with.

Men use their EYES to select women. This is why attractive women get more dates and get more drinks bought for them than unattractive women. Of course, unattractive women have more sex, for the reasons I already outlined, but that has nothing to do with relationships.

Women, in the meantime, select men by how they feel around them. This is why men don’t have to be attractive. You can be as ugly as you want to be or completely out of shape and still be nice to her and respectful and loving and caring and thoughtful and end up getting the rap to a woman over way more physically attractive guys. There are lots of Fabio-types that can’t hold a woman for ISH because their personalities just suck and they have the empathy of a plastic rock. Read the rest of this entry »

Last week, I was discussing the dating scene in New York City with my friend Ilana Arazie does a fun and interesting video blog about dating called “Downtown Diaries”.

I realized after that conversation that I haven’t gone far enough in-depth with my “numbers” theory… about the difference that it makes for a guy to be surrounded by literally MILLIONS of women vs living in the sticks, where you don’t have a lot of women to begin with, they get married earlier, stay married and nobody wants to move there for business opportunities or visit there as a tourist.

This exchange from a James Bond movie reminded me of the clarification that I wanted to make:

Vesper Lynd: Now… Having just met you, I wouldn’t go as far as calling you a cold-hearted bastard
James Bond: No… Of course not…
Vesper Lynd: But it wouldn’t be a stretch to imagine.. You see women as disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits.
~Casino Royale

Now, I’m not comparing The Kid to James Bond AT.ALL, but I felt that line was pertinent because I’ve said stuff like “Women have no leverage in this town, because they’re expendable merely by available numbers”. Without context, that can appear to be a “use it and lose it”, “hit it and quit it” or “love ‘em & leave ‘em” type statement as opposed to an honest explanation of why tactics that work for women in other parts of the country don’t work here.

The point I really wanted to make (except it’s so OBVIOUS to me that I couldn’t grasp it to express it in print) is that here in New York City, instead of trying to CHANGE A WOMAN, it’s much easier to CHANGE WOMEN. :D Just switch. If you detect an incompatibility, stop spending time with that chick and get a new one to fill her slot. Or, if you were already “dating” several chicks, distribute her time amongst the rest of them. This is why women don’t have any leverage. There are too many lonely women wandering aimlessly around this town with nothing to do with their lives except go to work. They’re just as attractive as you are. Just as intelligent as you are. Make the same amount of money that you do. Dress as well as you do. They’re just as sexy & sensual as you are….. BUT! :D …

You think you should date for a bunch of weeks before messing with a guy and she’s down with it right now
You want to get engaged or married and she doesn’t care or at least doesn’t bring it up
You want him to get a job and she’s willing to feed him and buy him clothes
You don’t want to cook, and she enjoys cooking for her man
You want him to come to the opera with you and she likes sitting with him watching football on Sundays

So that’s the problem for women in NYC. There’s no reason to barter with you. No reason to compromise with you. No reason to succumb to sexual embargo tactics. No reason to “escalate” any form of relationship with you. New York City attracts the top women in the world for career, business or tourism. You’re not surrounded by a bunch of lesser women, like if you were the valedictorian in the sticks. If your “relationship” hits an impasse, it’s easier to drop it and get a new chick than to “work it out”.

Meanwhile, the exact same thing is going on for women with men. There are so many men in NYC that there’s no reason for a woman to commit to one that she doesn’t think is really GREAT for her. This naturally leads to women being single more often than they’re “in a relationship” because they’re busy being choosy. Even the ones who claim to be “seeing someone” are only in the stages of DECIDING whether they want to stay with that guy. Well… that, or she was LYING so you’d stop trying to get some from her. :D

The reason this doesn’t work out evenly is that men and women don’t date evenly. Women like to date guys better than them, while guys like to date women they’re attracted to. When was the last time you heard a guy say “She’s really HOT, but she doesn’t make enough money for me to date her”? That’s right. Never. Meanwhile, the women who came to NYC to make moves and build careers and have “the finer things in life” are looking for guys on their level or better. How many male executives date secretaries levels below them? Like he’s the boss of the boss of HER boss? When was the last time you heard of a female executive “dating down”? That’s right. Never. If you do, it’s a big scandal hahaha :D So, the better a woman does for herself, if she follows what society tells her to do, the smaller her potential dating pool is. Meanwhile, the better a GUY does for himself, the LARGER his potential dating pool is.

Because there’s so much choice on both sides, women tend to have a lot of BRIEF relationships in NYC. Now they’re dating someone, now they’re single. Poof. Just like that. Every day, someone’s updating their Facebook status to single or “it’s complicated” or “in a relationship”. That means that every day, the playing field changes. Women that were formerly “unavailable” have now become available. Women that were previously “spoken for” are now free agents. This happens all the time. There’s no reason to believe that because a chick’s dating someone right now, they won’t be back in the dating population a few months from now.

This is why New York City is the quintessential smorgasbord when it comes to women. There are more women of all different sizes, shapes, types, colors, backgrounds, religions, ideologies, whatever than a guy can possibly process in a single day… Meaning you meet women here faster than you can determine that the woman you met just before isn’t the best one for you. This has nothing to do with lack of discipline or morals and has everything to do with abundance of opportunity and selection. It has nothing to do with being greedy or wanting to try out every attractive woman in sight and has everything to do with the fact that as fantastic as a woman might be, there’s another woman on the next block or in the next neighborhood or office building that’s JUST AS FANTASTIC, but WITHOUT the character flaw that a guy would either have to live with or fix if he were dating the same woman in the sticks.

Actually, the best advice I have for women trying to corral a guy in NYC is to make sure they’re dating someone that’s not FROM NYC. :D Just because a guy lives here now doesn’t mean that this culture of opportunity’s permeated his thought processes yet. Find a guy that just moved here and get in good with him before he realizes where he is! :D

Are there a bunch of guys that see women as disposable pleasures? Sure. But that’s completely different from knowing a bunch of fantastic women and having no reason to choose between any of them. It looks the same, but the former is the state of being disconnected and a user while the latter is having highly-valued connections with worthwhile women and the self-awareness that the only way you would choose ONE of them… is if you were willing to trade in ALL the rest of them…

~Bill

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