Purplecar called my attention last night to a post on CNN.com by Wendy Atterberry called “Why women shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ first”. There were some decent points in the post, in the typical advice column fashion:

Wendy: “But an ‘I love you’ uttered too soon, before the man has processed his feelings and reached the same level of adoration could end a relationship that just as easily could have had an eternal shelf life. As soon as those words are said, they change the dynamic. If a man isn’t feeling the love quite yet, he may suddenly feel pressure to manifest that emotion. And if the woman doesn’t get the response she expected, it could damage her confidence enough to derail the whole relationship entirely.”

I’m sure that this scenario plays itself out every single day, all around the world. I think the advice is valid for the way people approach “Love”. The problem is that lots of people have a retarded idea of what “Love” actually is.

I know this is going to be hard for you to process, because it so complex, but bear with me for a minute… you ready?… The reality of the situation is:

You Love Who You Love

That’s it. There’s nothing more that matters in that sentence. Everything else is on the fringe… window dressing. There are only two states. You love someone or you don’t. Period. There may be REASONS why you love this person, but that has nothing to do with the STATE of feeling love or being in love.

The mistake that lots of people make is adding external qualifiers to an internal feeling. Whether someone else loves you or not has NOTHING to do with whether YOU love THEM. It’s YOUR feeling, and you feel it or you don’t.

The reason the points in the article are valid is because lots of people play that game… even though they don’t realize they’re playing a game. The game is “I only love someone who loves me”. Sorry. That’s not how it works. :/ If that were even LOGICAL, that would mean that you wouldn’t be able to ACHIEVE the state of “being in love” without the other person loving you beforehand. Of course, that person wouldn’t be able to love you EITHER until you loved THEM, by the same logic.

Just the fact that the article talks about saying “I love you” and not knowing what the other person’s response will be indicates that people achieve the state of being in love ON. THEIR. OWN. It’s YOUR feeling, and really has nothing to do with what the other person feels about you.

For example, I love my relatives. I love my relatives that always do the right thing and I love my relatives that always do the WRONG thing. I might not like their actions or what they said sometimes, but I’m clear that I still love them… and not because I CHOOSE to… It’s just a fact.

I also love women who don’t love me. There’s nothing “boo-hoo” about that. It’s just a fact. I know how I feel about them and I carry that with me. How THEY feel has absolutely nothing to do with my own personal emotional experience of interacting with them.

The fact that people are ashamed or embarrassed to own the fact that they love someone that doesn’t love them is what breaks up perfectly good relationships for no reason at all. Hollywood wants you to believe that you run into some chick and she drops her books and you pick them up for her and look into her eyes and you both know that it’s love at first sight and then you start having kids. Nah. Real Life doesn’t work that way. If it did for you, you’re lucky, so enjoy it! :D IRL, you feel how you feel, and your S.O. feels how they feel, and if it escalates at the same time, good for you.

On top of that.. Saying “I love you” has NOTHING to do with actually loving someone. There are ZERO consequences for saying “I love you” to someone. Try it out the next time you go to work. Select someone you don’t actually love and say “I love you”. See what happens. I’ll tell you right now. Nothing. Saying “I love you” is probably the second easiest way to get laid other than paying an actual hooker. For some reason, women tend to believe it’s impossible for a guy to say he loves her without actually meaning it. It’s only three words. Without the actual feeling, emotion and action behind them, they’re entirely worthless.

So… The REAL answer to that question, “When should a woman say she loves a man?” is…….

When She Loves Him

If you can allow “I love you” to be a personal expression from you to someone else, WITHOUT conditions and expectations of reciprocation, you can say it whenever you want. “I love you” is not a TEST. It’s an indication of your mental and/or emotional state. YOURS. Nobody else’s.

Instead of trying to artificially restrict what you naturally feel, you should just feel glad that you ever loved anybody at all.

~Bill

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So I’m reading this BlogHer post and the author is amazed that her boyfriend dumped her for not sexing him often enough (in this case, 3 times a week) and I’m like ????? What did you expect?

You know? I mean, really. :/ I find it amazing that we’re moving into the year 2009 and grown-ass-women who have access to books, televisions, IRL friends and computers are SURPRISED when they get dumped because they’re sexually incompatible with their significant other.

That’s why you were hired. Just about the ONLY items in your job description are:

  a) look good
  b) don’t act like a jerk
  c) be sexy

If you can’t do that, you deserve to be fired, and there shouldn’t be any question in your mind why you were ejected. I mean, it’s dumb… It’s like taking a job as a teacher and then complaining that kids keep showing up and asking you questions. :/ What did you EXPECT to do as somebody’s GIRLFRIEND?

Meanwhile… GUESS what would have happened if the conversation had gone in a different direction… What if, instead of breaking up with her on the grounds of sexual infrequency, he had said:

You know?.. You’re kinda lame when it comes to the sex part, so I’m gonna have sex with [ this other chick / these other chicks ] 3 times a week, but you can still be my girlfriend.

That’s right. She would have flipped her wig. :D

First of all, there’s a problem off the bat if a woman’s COMPLAINING that she has to have sex with her boyfriend. :D You’re supposed to do what you WANT to do and what you’re INSPIRED to do when you’re feeling TURNED ON. If you DON’T want to have sex with your SO as often as he does, then you should be glad when some chick gets her Monica on and picks up your slack, right?

WRONG! :D It never works out that way. Monica can’t get a pat on the back and an invitation to dinner with the family. Oh no! Monica gets called all types of names. Home-Wrecker, Bitch, Whore, Slut… All because she was handling YOUR business with YOUR man.

Now, I can understand if you’re representin’ in the bedroom, but your man’s just GREEDY and still kickin’ it with other chicks, then, YEAH, he’s ENTIRELY at fault! Also, if y’all discussed the situation ahead of time, and he agreed to little or no physicality, he’s going back on HIS word by dumping you and he’s wrong again. But if you’re just being lazy and slackin’ on the sex, get ready for him to pull that lever so you fall through the trap door in the floor and out of sight.

See, it’s not just a one-way agreement. It’s not just that the guy agrees to be “faithful” to you. You’re also agreeing to keep. him. satisfied. That’s the part that some women will never understand. A relationship isn’t merely carte blanche for you to pull off sex embargoes to blackmail him into doing what you want. You’re ALSO taking on a RESPONSIBILITY, since you’ve agreed to be his sole sexual vendor.

Of course, the guy’s taking on the same responsibility to keep his woman satisfied as well. If her sex drive is higher than his, he’s gonna have to eat his Wheaties, batten down the hatches and hannle his bidnezz! :D

On a side note… I’ve never understood how some guys go all the way through the process of marrying a chick without tappin’ that first. I mean…. What if you get all the way to the honeymoon and the sex is like “meh :/”?

Anyway… WAKE UP, LADIES!!! We’re about to have jet-packs and cars that fold up into briefcases and y’all are still working off of Elementary School concepts of relationships. If you don’t want to have sex with a guy, FINE. Call him your FRIEND and leave it at that. His GIRLFRIEND is going to be the chick he has the most sex with, so if you want to try to retain the title without putting in the work, that’s gonna be a tough row to hoe.

~Bill

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I have this friend… We’ll call him “B”……. And… NO, it’s not ME! :/ This isn’t one of those “I have a friend” confessional stories.

So, I met “B” and hung out with him a couple of times and like Arianna supposedly said, I metabolize experiences fast, so I pretty much knew what to expect from “B” when he was on the scene. He had a consistent demeanor and was an overall nice guy and a thoughtful person.

So, fast forward a few months, and I arrive at this cookout, and I see that “B” got there before I did, and he’s talking to a chick. So I’m like “aiiiiiiiite? Way to go, “B”, get your rap ON! :D “… So I walk up to them, and tell “B” ‘hi’, and he introduces me to the woman he’s chatting with, whom we’ll call “V”. I spoke with “V” briefly, as I was just arriving and needed to know where they had stashed the brews!

I excused myself to grab a beer and when I turned back around to look in B & V’s direction, I noticed something out of the ordinary. B was smiling too much! :D Just. Too. Damned. Much! haha It was completely outside of his “normal” demeanor. I stayed over by the brews, observing, but it just didn’t go away! B just kept smiling and smiling and smiling and smiling. Rapt attention, hanging on every single word V was saying. V was smiling also, but that might have been perfectly normal for her, since I had never met her before.

Eventually, I went over and re-joined the conversation, and it just didn’t stop. It was on some kind of Stepford Wives ish, except BOTH OF THEM were brainwashed, and not just the chick. :D

At some point, they left the party, but not before I became aware that B was dating V. They just walked off into the sunset, smiling their asses off like the people in Whoville before The Grinch stole their Christmas.

Fast forward a few more months, and I got to hang out with B & V again, still smiling their asses off, except now they’re married. This took me back to a situation where I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she asked me something like “How old do guys have to be before they’re ready to settle down?”. I knew who she was dating at the time, and didn’t want to tell her she just WASN’T THE ONE that was going to inspire him to “settle”. It doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with how old a guy is or some change that’s supposed to occur within his system on its own. It has EVERYTHING to do with the difference that it makes to him that SHE’S around.
Here in NYC, we meet women every single day…. at least *I* do. I’ll be meeting some more tonight, and some more tomorrow night. *yawn*. When I saw B talking to V, I thought he was starting his rap, but he was in the midst of it. AFAIK, he could have met her right there at that cookout, but it turns out he had brought her with him. *NOTE* That’s a pretty good sign, ladies. If a guy starts dragging you around to social engagements, that normally means that he prefers YOUR company to the random odds of the company he’ll encounter at the event.

Another good sign is that he looked like there was some kind of magnet pulling him towards V, hahaha like it would have been a pain or a struggle to look somewhere else or listen to what someone else had to say when she was right there to be enjoyed, verbally and visually.

So the point is, if you want to know how your relationship’s doing, don’t ask The Kid, :D Use your “woman’s intuition” to determine whether or not you have ANY effect on him whatsoever. If you don’t, your relationship probably won’t be escalating anywhere anytime soon. If you do, he may already be as into you as he’s going to be, which means that regardless of what he CALLS your relationship, he’s “bout-it bout-it” when it comes to you. That’s obviously way more important than whether he gives you a new title or puts a ring on your finger.

I saw the same thing happen with another friend of mine. I had already “metabolized” how he interacted with chicks and then I hung out with him one time with this new chick (meaning *I* had never seen her before), and I swore up and down she had to be his cousin or something, because of his totally different demeanor around her. He was a lot more calm and “chill”. He was clearly where he wanted to be and around someone he loved to be around. That was the difference that SHE made in his life. They’re not married yet, but he bought her a couch, which is pretty much the same thing. :D

Also, in both cases, the women in question weren’t doing anything. Nothing. :) Not cooking, not cleaning, not sexing, not dancing, not trying to be sultry, not dressed in any particular fashion, probably not excessively rich (though I don’t know), both attractive but neither a model… just by being themselves, they brought incredible amounts of enjoyment to their men, which made a difference and made them the cream that rose to the top.

So that’s the answer, ladies. It has nothing to do with WHEN he’ll feel committed to you and everything to do with how he feels when you’re around. If you don’t feel like he’s really feelin’ ya, it’s time to step your game up, get comfortable with your relationship as-is, or step to the left and spend time with someone who honestly, authentically enjoys your company and appreciates you for who you are.

~Bill

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This is not a continuation of “Online Dating Tactics”. This is a response to a BlogHer post by Zandria M, entitled “Dating: ‘Tis the Season”.

Zandria: I’ve heard that more breakups occur during the holiday season than any other time of year. [...snip...] The thing is, though, I haven’t seen a drop in the amount of people looking for dates online. In fact, I’m receiving more expressions of interest than I did when I first signed up over the summer.

hehehe Excellent read, Zandria. :) Let me tell you what’s going on.

You explained why you’re getting more expressions of interest now than you did over the summer. Guys are dumping their girls for the holiday season OR they’ve already DECIDED that they’re dumping their girls, so they’re trolling for more women ahead of time. It’s like being a freelancer in a work situation. As a video editor, I get MORE work when people get fired or companies downsize. You’re experiencing the same thing with online dating.

The reasons you gave were spot-on. Basically, the holiday season is an expensive time to have a girlfriend, so guys tend to break up permanently or at least until the season’s over and take their girls back in January.

Another reason is that there are a lot of holiday parties right now, with a lot of DRUNK WOMEN at them. That’s where you want to be, instead of stuck at some party with a chick you already know… or even WORSE, over @ her relatives’ crib! :( This is PRIME TIME for meeting women and starting new relationships. Also, if you start a new relationship NOW, it’s too early for her to expect an expensive gift from you. :)

Zandria: The thing is, though, the more dating you do, the more instances of “Did he really do/say that?” tend to emerge.

You need to catalogue those increasing instances of “Did he really do/say that?” that you’re experiencing, because those are brief glimpses into what a lot of guys are actually thinking. It’s really the little things that give people away.

Zandria: I have had several “interesting” experiences.

For one thing, a lot of guys seem to think they’re six feet tall. I]ve spoken to a number of women who back up this theory of Male Online Dating Height Exaggeration. Guys who really are tall — say, over 6’2″ — tend not to lie. But if I see a profile that says the guy is 6’0″, I’m going to assume he’s at least an inch or two shorter than that. (If I’m 5’9″ and wearing not-very-tall heels, and the dude is also wearing shoes, and we’re looking each other straight in the eye? I’m sorry, but you’re not six feet tall.)

As far as the “six feet tall” thing, hahaha Online dating sites are set up in categories. This is how women and men get to choose whom they see in their search results. If a guy honestly states that he’s 5’9″ and a lot of women check the box that says 6′ or over, he doesn’t show up in the search results and he doesn’t get that date. Or, in some cases, where the site does the matchup FOR you, he doesn’t make the “compatible” list, so, again… HE doesn’t get that date. Since the whole point of him being on the service is to meet women that he wants to date or have sex with or whatever, he wants to meet as many as possible, so he LIES and says he’s 6′ tall. It’s not that he doesn’t REALIZE that he’s not that tall hahahahaha. It’s not that he has delusions about his height. He’s merely tricking you into going out on a date with him, when he’s actually below your selected height requirement.

It’s all in the game. :)

Oh… and apply the same logic to his salary.

Zandria: Another thing: some guys need to be more up-front about important matters that affect possible future relationships before you take the time to meet them in person. I had this one guy wait until our first meeting before he asked me, “Did I tell you that I’m about to be deployed to Iraq for seven months?”

As far as guys being “more up-front about important matters that affect possible future relationships”, nobody’s thinking about “possible future relationships” until they meet you in person. The way it works is, guys get what they can get… NOW… and if it continues, fine. So, if dude’s about to leave town, he’s looking for something to do UNTIL he leaves town. Similar to the “not 6-feet-tall” guy, he’s not going to ruin his chance to try to get some or have a temporary girlfriend by letting you know he’s not physically available for a LTR.

Once he meets you, it’s a different story. He might feel like “this one’s a keeper” and THEN come clean about his current status and future plans. I guess I should have put ‘clean’ in quotes, because STDs are another thing guys (AND gals) don’t tend to mention on online dating sites.

Zandria: Then there are the things that just make me go “Hmm…” Like the guy who came across as really formal and straight-laced, but when I called him out on it (yes, I will call you out if it’s warranted) he assured me, “I do have a dark and twisted side.”

As far as dudes announcing that they “have a dark and twisted side”, that normally means that they don’t, but they’d be willing to make one up so as to not get rejected for being boring. Also, “dark and twisted” is relative to his own experience. I know women who think doggie-style is dark and twisted, hahahaha :D The point is that guys are going to SAY whatever they have to say in order to stay on track to hooking up with you. If they’re wackos, they’re going to say they’re not. If they’re boring, they’re going to say they’re not.

If you want to know if a guy’s “twisted” for real, look in his eyes and then ask him what he wants to do to you.

So, yeah, that’s “how we do”. Lie as much as you need to in online dating so you get a chance to run your IRL game on her. Best-case scenario, the 5’9″ broke-as-a-joke, unemotionally available, boring dude gains the physical company of a female he finds attractive for one or more evenings. Worst-case scenario, she walks out the door as soon as she sees you, because you’re not what she wanted… except that’s the same outcome as if you hadn’t lied on your application in the first place and she never chose you, so who cares?

It’s all in the game. :D

~Bill

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Women have to look good and men don’t. Period. If you don’t believe me, look around. This is because men and women have (for the most part) entirely different criteria for selecting someone to pair-bond with.

Men use their EYES to select women. This is why attractive women get more dates and get more drinks bought for them than unattractive women. Of course, unattractive women have more sex, for the reasons I already outlined, but that has nothing to do with relationships.

Women, in the meantime, select men by how they feel around them. This is why men don’t have to be attractive. You can be as ugly as you want to be or completely out of shape and still be nice to her and respectful and loving and caring and thoughtful and end up getting the rap to a woman over way more physically attractive guys. There are lots of Fabio-types that can’t hold a woman for ISH because their personalities just suck and they have the empathy of a plastic rock.

Of course, women want to project this quality onto men. Nope. Doesn’t work like that. Nobody cares that you’re a CEO. Nobody cares that you own stock in Google. Nobody cares that you have degrees from MIT *AND* Harvard. Nobody cares that you wrote such-and-such an app for the iPhone. Nobody cares that your startup hasn’t tanked yet. Nobody cares that you were in Wired magazine. Nobody cares that you live on Central Park South. Nobody cares that you’re a member of The Founder’s Club. The only thing that’s going to get him to walk across that room and attempt to make your acquaintance is he thinks you LOOK. GOOD.

* or.. at the particular time of this writing… he DID see you in Wired magazine and he needs to get a job from your company *

Since society has worked it out that men have to be the aggressors when it comes to starting conversations or relationships, this puts even MORE pressure on women to look good and LESS pressure on men. What’s the downside of not looking good for men? Women don’t approach you? They’re not going to approach you ANYWAY, because they’re so self-conscious about doing that because of the brainwashing they received since they were kids. Women aren’t SUPPOSED to kick it to men, so they sit there at the bar sweating you, HOPING that you’re going to come and talk to THEM.

Because of this, men and women come to the table with different power:
  Men have the power to choose women.
  Women have the power to reject men.

The power to choose is way stronger and more important than the power to reject. If a guy chooses a gal and she rejects him, guess what? He gets to go choose another one. Immediately. Might be her sister, might be her cousin or mother, might be her best friend. Right. Now. He gets to say the exact same stuff to them that he said to her in his efforts to bag a hawt chick. Meanwhile, what are HER options, as the rejector? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. She has to just sit there until ANOTHER guy chooses her, then go through the process of deciding whether she’s going to reject him as well and wait for the next train to come a-rollin’ through her station.

Since women aren’t choosers, but rather rejectors, they don’t get to actively define the set of suitors that step to them. All women can do is PASSIVELY define that set by making themselves MORE ATTRACTIVE. Wear better-looking clothes for your physique. Hit that gym more often. Go take those pilates classes. Stop taking haircut advice from men who aren’t attracted to women. That’s like letting someone who’s not a mechanic work on your brakes = stupid.

Don’t believe me? Try it out for yourself, ladies! :D Go to your next function bummy and see how many raps you get. See how far down on the totem pole you go as the guys that talked to you last time make their way through the better-looking women before making their way “down” to you. Maybe you can bring one of those limousine signs that says “I’m a CEO”.

If dating were baseball, guys would be the pitchers and gals would be the hitters. If we don’t throw you the ball, you can’t do JACK. Nothing. All you can do is stand there waiting for the next pitch. Also, if we decide to walk you… you get WALKED. You have to stand in the batter’s box. If we throw the ball sufficiently far away from you, you can’t hit it AT ALL. Four balls and you trot off to 1st base and there’s a new chick to pitch to. To be fair, you’d be able to veto that pitcher and get a new one, but once again, you’d have to HOPE he wants to pitch to you.

Meanwhile, guys don’t have to look like ISH because all women want is for you to be nice to them. How many HAWT chicks do you see walking around with mediocre dudes? That’s why. Then again, I’m speaking from my New York City bias, as usual, because there are so many attractive women here with NOTHING romantic going on in their lives AT ALL that they’re kind of “easy pickin’s”.

Relatively recently, somebody made up “Metrosexuals”. That doesn’t count in this discussion, because the guys don’t do that stuff to themselves to get women. They do it so they can look at THEMSELVES in the mirror and like what they’re looking at. They’d do the same thing if there were no women around at all. Also, these same Prince and Little Richard type dudes will be dropped like hot rocks if women don’t like their personalities, so dressing up isn’t helping out their raps to women AT. ALL.

So there you have it. :) Men choose women based on how they look, and women select from their pool of suitors based on personality. Other than not looking completely busted, guys have ZERO obligation to be attractive in the dating game. Meanwhile, women who refuse to maintain their attractiveness are pinning their hopes and dreams for pair-bonding on trickle-down theory.

Oh….. And if it takes him until 2:30 am to trickle-down to you, you qualify as a bootie call. Do not pass “Go”. Do not collect $200….. ummmm….. ok, at 2:30 am you MIGHT collect $200. :D

~Bill

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