Bill Cammack

Every time I go somewhere where there are more than, say, 50 people that read blogs and are also into Social Media, I find out that there’s someone new that I didn’t realize reads my dating blog.

This is a great thing, and I’m happy about that as well as appreciative, but it’s sort of a sticky wicket when you’re in a conversation that you think is completely random and then the other person starts quoting lines verbatim from your material….

So the other night, I’m minding my own business and the next thing I know, I’m involved in a conversation about one of my previous posts. The gal and her croanies know who they are, and they obviously read my blog, so no need to shout them out.

I felt like I was doing ok in the conversation until the instigator threw “She used to be *FOYINE*, and now she’s NOT!” in my face a couple of times in a row, which is when I had hoped to dilute the situation by calling over her homegirl, but that didn’t work out in my favor either. I was suddenly aware that my material had not only been read, but it had also been discussed between the two of them, and I had just made matters worse for myself instead of better.

So now, I’m going to attempt to clarify what a woman HAS TO DO in a relationship and what she does NOT have to do.

Terms of Service (ToS)

What are the “Terms of Service” to your relationship? Do you know? Are you aware that there are DEFINITELY ToS to your relationship? Read the rest of this entry »

As you know if you’ve been following this column over the last 6 months, DatingGenius doesn’t “date”.

The term “dating” implies progression. It’s like something Richie Cunningham or Potsie Weber might do. You see a chick and you want her, but you’re not willing to let her know what time it is, so you beat around the bush taking her places in hopes that she’ll see you as the kind of guy she wants to give it up to. *yawn*

In fact, there *IS* no progression. A chick knows if she wants to mess with you off the bat. Depending on what you tell her after that, she either thinks more about giving you some or LESS about giving you some, hahaha :D … That’s all there is. You want to hook up with her, or else you wouldn’t be on a so-called “date” with her. Everybody knows it, so stop acting like you’re all sneaky and undercover and then try to surprise the chick with a “good-night kiss” when you drop her home, hoping that it works like in the movies, and all of a sudden, she’ll invite you in for…. a nightcap. :/

So, no. DatingGenius doesn’t “date”. He hangs out with chicks. Period. If they’re into DatingGenius like that, then CHA-CHINGGGG!!! :D If not, we have a good time anyway, then we go about our respective businesses.

Having said that, if you still insist on “dating”, like actually courting one person in a serial fashion with the intent of them eventually handing you a title that’s supposed to mean something, like “significant other”, then make sure you date someone BETTER. THAN. YOU! :D

Now, that might not seem to make sense, coming from the diabolical, empty-life-having (bookstore chick’s friend informed me of this a couple of weeks ago), sinister, evil, manipulating DatingGenius! :D You would think that he would advocate kicking it to the dumbest, low-brow character you can find in order to maximize your control over the situation. Dummies and lowlives are great if you’re just trying to get on ASAP and don’t intend to see them ever again in life. If you’re actually going to REPRESENT with this person, like as in let ANYONE ELSE know that you’re messing with them… That person needs to be a FANTASTIC individual. This is actually MORE IMPORTANT for the ladies than it is for the fellaz, so pay attention. :D

[Part 1: Dummies]

Let’s say the person you’re dating is a dummy. Like they’re just not intelligent. Maybe you’re on iChat with them and it takes them mad, crazy, stupid long to type a response to you, and then after all that waiting, it’s like a line and a half because they were only using their two pointer fingers to peck at the keyboard. Or maybe they can’t spell for JACK, and you’re wondering if they dropped out of school in the 5th grade to pack bags for change at the supermarket, then got hooked on drugs before making it back into the school system.

If you actually date this idiot, regardless of how good he or she looks or how good the sex is, don’t give yourself credit like you’ve pulled off some fantastic feat. In fact, anyone smarter than them will be able to manipulate them if they choose to, and you’ve “built your house on sand”… if not quicksand.

On top of that, you can’t TAKE this person ANYWHERE! :D Unless they happen to LOOK intelligent and you can convince them to not say ANYTHING around your peers, this person is an accident waiting to happen… Actually, an accident TRYING to happen, because it’s been my experience that the dumber someone is, the more they try to impress other people. Did you notice that? :D It’s like the smartest people, most of the time in a conversation, they’re listening and PROCESSING what people are saying. When they finally say something, it’s worth hearing and it’s the product of what they’ve absorbed from what’s been going on. Meanwhile, you see the dummies sitting there staring at the mouth of the person who’s talking… They seem to be trying to synchronize, like double dutch, getting ready to jump into the conversation when they perceive that the current speaker is about to finish his or her point.

The problem with this is that if you’re synchronizing, you’re not LISTENING, which becomes apparent when the dummy jumps in with something relevant to 10 minutes ago when they finally had ONE good idea, and they’ve been waiting until now to get a word in edgewise. That’s when the entire conversation stops and everyone tries to be polite. There’s this silent exchange that goes on between everyone. They’re not so much being polite to the dummy as they’re being polite TO *YOU* because it’s YOUR FAULT that this person’s in here $&%*ing up the program! :D Basically, people are embarrassed *for* you, and everyone’s trying not to mention that the emperor has no clothes on.

This is easily avoided, if you insist on dating dummies and bringing them out in public, by not giving them a title when you introduce them. We all have those friends… Every so often, they come around with a new…. person… and they introduce this person by name, but no title. Like, it’s clear that they’re out on a date, but by not declaring this person, you get to play it off down the line. Oh… That was a business partner from the Kentucky branch, my job asked me to show him around. Oh… That was my CEO’s daughter, visiting from San Diego. Who? When?… OH!… I was interviewing her for that intern position (at 11:30 pm). This only works, however, if you know you’re going to get rid of them eventually. If you end up eventually declaring them, you look like a chump for trying to play it off.

You also can’t leave people like this alone with your friends. Do NOT go to the bathroom. Do NOT go to the bar to order drinks. Do NOT pass “go” and Do NOT collect $200. Stick to this person LIKE GLUE. If you leave, and your friends ask your date “What do you think about Obama” and they reply “I think he’s still hiding in those mountains”, you’re *dead*. Laughing stock. You will NEVER live it down.

DatingGenius

Title: “The Holiday Sweater Song”
Directed/Written/Edited by Justin Johnson
Music: Steve Nelson
Vocals: Patty DeArteaga & Justin Johnson
Lyrics: Justin Johnson and Steve Nelson
Vimeo Permalink: [link]
YouTube Permalink: [link]

What says HOLIDAY COMFORT AND FUN more than a festive sweater, adorned with all manner of snowmen, snow women, dogs, snowflakes, and more. Let’s celebrate the beauty of holiday sweaters with some music combined with video!

HUGE thanks to all the people who submitted their videos for this, couldn’t have made it without all your support.

STARRING:
Jodi’s Kids

Alan and Wife

George and Nintern

Erik, Jared, and Lee

Giancarlo Florentini & Jon Grimm
http://wiseguypictures.net/

Amanda Ferri and Alex
http://bustedtees.com/

Shawn Pearlman

Ramon “The Iron Dove”

Steve Garfield
http://www.stevegarfield.com/

Josh Leo
http://joshleo.com/

Veronica Belmont
http://www.veronicabelmont.com/

Hayden Black
http://goodnightburbank.com/

Tim and Rachel
http://nextnewnetworks.com/

Streeter and Amir
http://collegehumor.com/

Michelle and Felicia
http://youtube.com/

Andrea Feczko
http://fastlanedaily.com/

Dave Seger
http://www.a-okfilms.com/

Dan Meth
http://methminute39.com/

Marissa Nystrom
http://celebzaredum.tumblr.com/

Erik Beck
http://indymogul.com/

Bill Cammack
http://reelsolid.tv/

Gary the Puppet

Nick and Richard
http://gawker.com/

Nick Douglas
http://valleywag.com/

Blame Society Productions
http://www.splu.net/

Erik X Raj
http://njfilmcore.com/

Kyle Fasanella
http://vilekyle.com/

The Thread Heads
http://threadbanger.com/

Halcyon
http://www.cockybastard.com/

ART BY
Ben Ross

MUSIC BY
Steve Nelson

LYRICS BY
Justin Johnson and Steve Nelson

DIRECTED / WRITTEN / EDITED BY
Justin Johnson

Yes, I know I said “only date broke chicks”, but now, we’re talking about marriage! :D

If you’re going to get married to a chick, make *SURE* she’s got ‘mad ducats’! :D

Don’t put yourself in the screwed-up position of having to support some deadbeat chick. That went out of style with The Flintstones and The Honeymooners. Women’s Lib is in FULL EFFECT… YA HEARD? Chicks have their own jobs… Chicks have their own money…. They’re even allowed to own land now. There’s no reason why you can’t find yourself a *RICH* chick to get married to. None.

You may have to do a little bullshitting, because chicks like to hook up with guys that are more successful than they are. Go hang out at the country club. Order an overpriced water and act like you’re drinking vodka. Drop a lot of references to your yacht and the several homes you own around the world. You know the drill. ;)

Anyway…

Now, there are two types of rich chicks you can go for. There’s the self-made rich chick that is educated and has her own career and has done what she’s needed to do to elevate her lifestyle to the lap of luxury. All props and credit to those women! :D … Then, there’s the type that’s rich because either her father or her ex-husband worked A LOT, and she’s become the beneficiary of their labor. It all depends on what you plan to do with her money, which kind of rich chick you want to go for….

If you want to keep her money to yourself, marry the rich, self-made chick. The higher she gets in her career, the more hours she’s going to have to spend working. This means you get to drive her fancy luxury car back and forth to the store to pick up the latest video games on her credit card. In this case, you’re basically the butler, Jeeves. It’s your job to pick her up from work after you chilled all day, drive her to the restaurant for dinner, since your ass probably can’t cook worth a damn, drive her back home and pamper her for about an hour before she falls asleep since she needs to get up early to go make you some more money in the morning. So, basically, by ‘working’ between 6 and 10pm every day, the equivalent of a part-time job, you enjoy all the luxuries she’s working so hard to make available to you. This works best with chicks you have no intention of having sex with.

OTOH… >:D … If you actually ENJOY her company and want to hang out with her and hit it, etc… then make sure you get one of those beneficiary-chicks. The bad thing about trust fund chicks and divorcees is that they’re spending their money faster than YOU’RE spending their money! :O The good thing about them is that they don’t actually have to waste time going to GET that money, so you have loads of time to hang out with them all day, every day! :D Paris on a Tuesday? No problem! :D Tavern On The Green on Thursday afternoon? No problem! :D

Fortunately, even though the divorce/cheating rates hover around 50% to 60%, there are still a bunch of dummies that get married without prenuptial agreements, so there are tons of divorcees around. um…. And don’t think I’m talking about old-ass chicks, either! :D Check out what Wikipedia has to say about Marriageable Age in Utah! :O

Utah: 18 generally for first marriage, 16 with parental consent, 14 with court approval or previous marriage.

… um…. Previous marriage *BEFORE* 14? :/ …. Anyway, you see what I’m getting at. By the time those chicks are divorced, they’ll just be turning legal age. By the time they’re divorced for the second or third time, they’ll be the age they would have been if they had graduated college…. *IF* they had gone to school past the 4th grade, when they got married the first time :/ So that’s two alimony checks, and the chick’s dumb as a box of rocks!…..

SWEET!!! :D

DatingGenius

My cousin Richard did his first Operator11 show today. I think it came out fun and interesting. He was learning the system while the show was already running! :D

If you enjoyed the show, leave Richard a comment on his community.realfans.tv page! :D => [link]

Bill Cammack, Sarah Meyers, Lisa Batey, Bre Pettis, Lux Nightmare & Richard Blakeley @ Lux’s birthday party.

From Sarah’s Justin.tv channel: justin.tv/sarah

Living in New York City has tons of privileges. One of those is that you can ALWAYS get a cab! :D

It’s not like the sticks, where you have to call for a cab or else you never get to leave where you are. :/ Also, you can go to a bar and drink your ass off, then stumble to the subway, a bus or a cab and arrive safely at your apartment… Whereas if you live in the sticks, that means you DROVE to the bar, and you might need to park in the Dairy Queen parking lot and sleep it off before you get on the road….. IF you can get on the road at all because maybe your car has one of those breathalyzer joints where it won’t start if you’re over the limit, hahahaha :D

Anyway…

Cabs are a tremendous luxury and you have to make sure that your cab game is tight. If you successfully avoided sitting on couches, you came off with a fine young lady from the party, bar or club. :D Now… I know what your cheap ass is thinking… “I’ll take her on the bus, so that way, I only spend $4 for the both of us to get back to the crib… um… unless SHE has a metrocard, too, then it’s only $2 to get her home! :D”

ok… ok……….. So that’s what *I* was thinking. :/

Anyway… Don’t take her on the bus. No. No good. :( Spend the extra ducats to get your cab game on.

If you take her on the bus or the train, you’re still in public. Tons of people around. If you take her in a cab, it’s just you and her. I mean, yeah, the cabbie’s there, but he needs to concentrate on the road and making sure he turns on your street. :) Never mind him. Think of the cabbie as your personal chauffeur, “Jeeves”. It’s his job to drive and mind.his.own.business. It’s just you and her in the back of the cab. Also… if you can’t see HIM in the rear-view mirror… HE can’t see YOU… Capicse? :D

If you take her on the bus or train, it’s all LIT UP and ish… Once you close the door to the cab and that little light goes out, it’s darkness, like Eddie Murphy and his brother in Hollywood! :D Much more mood-enhancing. Add that to the isolation and the fact that you basically have your own couch instead of sitting on a hard train bench crushed up between a couple of people that didn’t understand they weren’t slim enough to fit in that space between you and the next person… and cabs are WELL WORTH the extra ducats! :D

So… Now that you’re in the cab, you need some basic tactics. >:)

The most important style is the “Richie Cunningham”. If you don’t know who that is, go back and watch reruns of “Happy Days”. Now… Richie was pretty much a scrub, so he was scared to press up on girls he was interested in. Because of this, he had certain tactics he would use so that he could play it off if she didn’t go for it. So, To do the “Richie Cunningham”, you’re sitting next to her on your chauffeured couch in the darkness with only the Manhattan street lights shining down on you, and you start faking like you’re tired. Yawn once or twice. Look at your watch or the clock on your phone or whatever so that she sees you’re feeling tired.

Put the phone away, then give a large !!!YAWN!!! while stretchng both arms out to the side. Make sure your arm on her side ends up BEHIND her neck instead of IN FRONT OF her face! :/ As you relax your hands from the yawn, your arm will naturally land… LIGHTLY!!! on her shoulder with your hand on the other side of her. Act surprised :O that your hand didn’t come all the way down, and look at her like “OH!… Sorry ’bout that!” and pay attention to what her face looks like. It’s either going to look like :D , :/ or :O .

:O = “GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME, CREEP!!!”, in which case it’s a good thing that you did the “Richie Cunningham” because now you can act like it was an honest mistake and remove your arm, ASAP! :D

:/ = The female version of the “Richie Cunningham”, which is her playing it off like she didn’t notice that you just put your arm around her. This is a good thing, because SHE DEFINITELY NOTICED. The continuation of this version of the Richie is to look her in the eye and smile at her, and she should smile back at you, happy that you like her. :)

:D = Her laughing at you because you were so timid and intimidated by her that you felt you needed to resort to the internationally-known “Richie Cunningham” so that you would have a back-door to exit if she didn’t like you! HAHAHAHA awwwwwwwww. :D This is STILL a good thing, because she’s happy that you finally let her know you were interested in her, even though she now thinks you’re scared of her, and it’s going to take you a long time to live that down and regain your pimpin’ status! :D

–
DatingGenius

Last night, I attended the Media Coalition Networking Salon. Denise Richardson was the hostess with the mostest, and brought a very welcoming energy to the space. Warrington Hudlin of DVRepublic brought it all together and played the role of “silent partner” for most of the evening, quietly presiding over the event. :)

Guest Speakers included:

• Lynne Kirby, SVP, Original Programming, Sundance Channel

• Milton Tabbot, Sr. Dir, Programming, IFP
• Amy Dotson, Prod. & Managing Dir. of Programming, IFP

There were easily 100 attendees. After socializing, we listened to the guest speakers, then some DVDs were shown of some of the coalition members’ work. The rest of the time was more networking amongst the members and personal interaction with the guest speakers to discuss works in progress and potential opportunities.

… And a fine time was had by all! :D

So I’m talking to this chick, and she’s telling me she thinks her baby knows what her name is. The baby’s only a few months old, so there’s clearly no way this is possible.

Babies don’t come out of the box equipped with the ability to parse statements in the language of their parents. This means that it’s just as easy for the baby to select someone’s name from a bunch of gibberish which happens to be English for me to select someone’s name out of a sentence spoken in Swahili. I do not KNOW Swahili, so I would have no idea of knowing which bunch of syllables is a proper name. I wouldn’t know which words represent verbs and I wouldn’t know which words represent nouns. I’m not saying “if I were a few-months-old-baby”… I’m saying RIGHT NOW! :D I would have NO IDEA what someone is saying in a language that I don’t understand. The only way I would have a chance is if the name in that language is similar to a name in English, the language that *I* speak and understand. That comes from years of hearing and understanding people’s names as well as having a grasp of the English language, as well as being more than a few months old.

This is why you can teach babies any language you want. They don’t come out with abilities in English, Swahili, French… none of that. The baby learns language from whomever teaches the baby language. First of all, babies don’t understand that people are called by NAMES at all. That’s a construct. If people called each other by numbers, this same person would swear that the baby knew that that set of numbers pertained to her. :D Every time someone uttered those numbers in that sequence, the baby would think they were talking about her. This assumes that the baby understands numbers. This assumes that the baby understands sequences. This assumes that the baby can parse sentences. This assumes a lot of things that just aren’t true.

I’m sure women would LOVE TO BELIEVE that their children know their names the first time the doctor slaps them, hahaha but it’s just not true. Also, it assumes that people call that woman the same thing over and over. What if people call her different things in front of the baby? I’ve gone to a few places where someone foreign to American customs was not aware that Bill is another name for William. They had NO IDEA that both of those names refer to the same person. These were GROWN PEOPLE in service-industry jobs. Why is it that they had no idea it’s the same name? Because it’s not in their custom… It’s not what they grew up with. They also wouldn’t know that Chuck is a name for Charles or that Dick is a name for Richard (Dick Nixon?). Similarly, babies don’t come equipped with the understanding that when someone utters several syllables in a row, or even worse, one syllable made up of a couple of consonants and a vowel, that it’s a representation of ANYONE, including their own mothers.

If you believe this is true, feel free to record someone saying your name over and over, and see how many times your baby thinks that recording is talking about you. :D Maybe have someone hold your baby and have them say your name over and over and see how many times your baby looks in your direction. Better yet… have someone say your name in Swahili, since you think babies understand languages they haven’t been taught yet right off the bat! :D