I Have A Headache

I always found the excuse “I have a headache”, which I’ve only heard of on television and in the movies, to be an hilarious attempt at declining to have sex with someone.

It doesn’t make any sense. :) It’s like, when was the last time that a dude asked a chick if she had a headache before he tried to screw her?.. Never. That’s because nobody’s thinking about how your head is feeling when it’s time to “do the nasty”.

Now, if you’re laying over sideways, rolling around on the bed, clutching your dome, grimacing and moaning as if you’re in pain, then I MIIIIIIGHT ask you whether you have a headache.

Other than that, you can forget it.

I have never once ever in life, EVAR wondered whether a chick had a headache, a math test, credit card debt, relatives in Finland, or a clear view of the grassy knoll when I felt like hooking up with her.

Y’all would be better off trying something like “I was sitting down at work all day and my ass already hurts”.. You know.. Something that’s actually relevant to what the guy’s trying to do.

If you really feel like being a jerk about it, just tell him “No thanks. I just got some before you came home.”
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So, check this out! :D haha Some dude hooked up with a maid behind his wife’s back, right…… No.. Not Arnold! :P This other guy, and then all he had to do to get over was label it a “Moral Failing”!!! :D

Check out what the Associated Press says he said:
(mind you.. dude was speaking French, so someone may have jacked up some of his intentions or meanings when they translated it to English, but I’m sure they caught the main gist of what he was saying)

DSK Article – Dominique Strauss-Kahn broke his silence four months after a New York hotel maid accused him of sexual assault, calling his encounter with the woman a “moral failing” he deeply regrets, but insisting in an interview on French television Sunday that no violence was involved.

Is this not the absolutely BEST THING since sliced bread? :D hahaha a “Moral Failing”??? :D .. What The Hell is a Moral Failing???

When you fall down, is that a walking failing? o_O

This is so stupid. :D .. I have to get ahead of the story to tell it properly.. This DSK guy IS. MARRIED => http://www.theatlanticwire.com/global/2011/08/how-anne-sinclair-spent-night-dsks-arrest/40661/.

If you’re a single guy and you’re drunk and you’re at a club and you happen to hook up with some busted chick because it was dark and you couldn’t see her properly, you can call that a failing.

If you’re a married guy and you hook up with a maid that came to your room to clean it because that’s her ******* JOB (cleaning the room, not hooking up with you), that’s called “I felt like hitting it, so I did.”

There’s no “Moral Failing” there.

Hugh Grant didn’t have a moral failing. He wanted to have sex with some chick that wasn’t Elizabeth Hurley (his girlfriend at the time) and he did it => http://hellobeautiful.com/gossip-news/hellobeautifulstaff2/hugh-grants-prostitute-thanks-him-15-years-later-for-changing-her-life/.

Kobe Bryant didn’t have a “MORAL FAILING” => http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobe_Bryant_sexual_assault_case … ummm… Actually, Kobe *DID* have a Moral Failing when he snitched on Shaq! :D HAHAHA

Later, news came out that Bryant had referred to O’Neal while being questioned by police in 2003. According to reports, Bryant stated that he should have paid off his women so that they wouldn’t say anything, like O’Neal. Bryant also stated that O’Neal would pay women up to US $1 million to stay quiet about their rendezvous.

Anyway.. The point is that when you have a wife and hook up with some other chick that’s not even coming on to you, that doesn’t count as a “Moral Failing”. That’s YOU deciding you want to have sex.

How does one recuperate after a Moral Failing? o_O .. Do you go to French Sex Rehab?

This is Fantastic! :D haha I can’t wait for American dudes to catch on to this and start using “Moral Failing” to get over on their wives after they get caught doing something they claimed they weren’t going to do. >:D

DSK Article – He said his May 14 sexual encounter with Nafissatou Diallo, an African immigrant who claimed that he attacked her when she entered his room in Manhattan’s Sofitel hotel to clean it, “did not involve violence, constraint or aggression.”

So what? \o/

What does that have to do with “You’re married”?

This is what’s amazing about this whole story. Dude’s acting like he’s single and the infidelity/cheating/adultery part is all cool beans (hat tip to Edie for that term).

All he’s trying to say for himself is “She gave it up. I didn’t take it.”

I just can’t wait for this to catch on, so the next time a dude gets caught cheating, he goes “Come on, honey… I mean… SHE GAVE IT UP!.. What was I supposed to do? Not tap that? \o/”

Still, he acknowledged, it “was a moral failing and I am not proud of it. I regret it infinitely. I have regretted it everyday for the past four months and I think I’m not done regretting it.

It “was not only an inappropriate relationship, but more than that, it was a failing … a failing vis-a-vis my wife, my children and my friends but also a failing vis-a-vis the French people, who had vested their hopes for change in me.”

This is where I’m hoping they messed up his translation… “I THINK I’m not done regretting it”? :D hahaha “an inappropriate RELATIONSHIP“?

Now he had time to be in a relationship with the maid before he skated to the airport and tried to break north with no delay? I’m hoping there’s some French word that means sex or blowjob that they misinterpreted.

Strauss-Kahn, who had a long-standing reputation as a man with a weakness for sex and women, said the Diallo imbroglio had profoundly changed him.

“I’ve seen the pain that I caused around me and I thought, I thought a lot,” he said. “That lightness, I’ve lost it for good.”

What kind of weakness is that where you try to hook up with a maid that comes to clean your hotel room? :D

Do they have a special designation for that, where it comes up on the screen when you make your reservation “DON’T SEND ANY CHICKS TO CLEAN THIS GUY’S ROOM!!! :O”

How about “If this guy feels like hooking up with a chick, he’s going to try to do that”?.. What the **** is the matter with men these days? What happened to Personal Responsibility? How rich and powerful do you have to be before you can actually say “**** it. I ****** her. So what? It was good. I enjoyed myself. Sue me. Talk to my ******* lawyer.”

During the interview, Strauss-Kahn praised his wife, Anne Sinclair, former TF1 news anchor and wealthy heiress who he called an “exceptional woman.”

“I wouldn’t have gotten through it without her,” he said. “I hurt her, I know, and I’m sorry. But you know that she wouldn’t have been there for me, by my side, she wouldn’t have supported me in that way if from the very first second she didn’t know that I was innocent.”

um… Innocent of what? o_O

That’s supposed to get you credit, that you admit you hooked up with some chick in “an inappropriate relationship” but you were cleared of assault charges? :D

omg.. Somebody remind me to meet a rich French chick, ASAP! >:D
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Anthony Weiner fessed up in a press conference about his role in the recent scandal that the internet’s been buzzing about:

Direct Link => http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/43301263#43301263

It would take me longer than it’s worth to figure out a coherent storyline for this article, so I’m just going to write about my experience with and thoughts about this situation.

I heard about it several days ago. Some politician was alleged to have sent a picture of tha dilznick to some chick on Twitter.

*yawn*

I immediately didn’t care, but it kept coming up on Facebook, so I checked a little more into the information.

Turns out that this dude supposedly sent the picture over public twitter to some chick… Sure… That’s likely. :/

Turns out that the person who reported it is a conspiracy theorist… Sure.. He’s credible. :/

So.. Not knowing anything about anybody involved in this situation (I’ve never heard of Anthony Weiner before whenever this scandal started), I assumed it was a setup, and an extremely poor one at that.

In fact.. This very issue came up Thursday night when I was chillin’ with some friends after the blip.tv party.

Almost verbatim, here’s what I had to say about it:

I think this is a setup. I don’t believe it. The concept is so stupid. I mean.. Think about it.. Whomever set this up doesn’t understand how the internet works.

Why in the hell would some dude send a picture to a chick over PUBLIC TWITTER when he could have DM’ed it to her, sent it to her privately on Facebook, texted it to her phone, I mean there are myriad ways he could have sent this thing, but whomever set him up decided that they were going to make it look like he sent it over public twitter?

The idea is stupid and the setup sucked.

HAHAHAHA However… I also told my friends *THIS* last Thursday, five days before Weiner fessed up:

The only thing that bothers me about this situation… THE *ONLY* THING that bothers me about it..

is that he refuses to say that that’s NOT a picture of him or that it IS a picture of him.

He knows damned ******* well whether he wears underwear like that or not. If he doesn’t, he should be able to say “That’s not me”.

(if you’re interested in how obvious the picture is, click here => static1.businessinsider.com/image/4de26913cadcbb2f38270000/weiners-weiner.png)

On top of that.. If he *DOES* wear underwear like that, he should know damned well whether he took a picture of himself in it. If he didn’t.. he should be able to say “That’s not me”.

So, my stance last Thursday night was that I didn’t know anything about the guy to believe him or not believe him, but the setup sucked so badly that I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

His excuse at the time was that he had been twittering and then… Yes.. Twittering. The word “Tweet” was made up by people after the fact. If the individual posts were Tweets, the service would be called TWEETER, you idiots.

His excuse at the time was that he had been twittering and then he happened to notice a post that he didn’t create appear in his timeline as if it came from him, which was this pic of tha dilznick, and he immediately deleted it and kept twittering.

He also claimed that his Facebook account had been hacked recently and he was looking into the security issues, blah blah blah.

These excuses work fine for drones that don’t understand how the internet works.

Let me tell you how the internet works.

If you don’t create media, there *IS* no media. Capisce? >:D

Weiner’s refusal to say whether that’s a picture of him or not indicates to anyone worth their salt in Social Media that He. Takes. Pictures. Of. Himself. In. Underwear.

Here’s an example… I’m 5’9″. I have never dunked a basketball on a regulation hoop in my entire life. Never. I never have, and I never will. Not without assistance or stepping on someone’s back and propelling myself to the hoop.

To make matters worse, I don’t even PLAY basketball. I play hockey.

So I can guarantee you.. 100%.. immediately.. without blinking an eye, that there are ZERO authentic pictures of The Kid dunking a basketball on a regulation hoop anywhere in existence in the entire universe, because a) I’ve never done it, and b) the only times I’ve dunked a basketball EVAR is on way shorter hoops, and nobody was taking pictures at the time, and I most certainly didn’t pose for any.

So, some dude saying “I can’t say for sure whether that’s a picture of my underwear and my leg or not” indicates clearly to me that a) he’s taken pictures of himself like that, b) he’s taken pictures in that set of underwear, c) he’s taken pictures of himself from that angle, and d) he knows all these things, so he’s waiting to see whether he can get over or not, and the only issue is “Did he send this picture out over public Twitter or not? o_O”

So, Fast-Forward to today, and I’m watching this video of Weiner’s confession that I posted above, and this is what dude has to say for himself:

Last Friday night, I tweeted a photograph of myself that I intended to send as a direct message as a part of a joke to a woman in Seattle. Once I realized I had posted it to Twitter, I panicked, I took it down and said that I had been hacked.

This is where I started searching for slapping-forehead smileys like these =>

Like I said before.. I was already sure that it was a picture of him by his lack of absolute denial. The only question I had was *HOW* that picture got in his public Twitter stream, and now we know.. Weiner *FAILED* to mark it as a direct message, and it went to EVERYBODY instead of just that one chick.

What’s even more pathetic about this situation is that there’s a popular commercial that was recently released (before the scandal) where this dude tells his boy that instead of replying to him in an email, he accidentally clicked “Reply All”, and had sent it to the whole company, and the rest of the commercial is spent with that guy running all over creation stealing computers and smartphones from coworkers so they don’t see what he accidentally sent to them.

Life Imitates Art.

So I’m like “oh.. He just ****** up. \o/”. No conspiracy theory. No setup. He just ****** up managing his social media presence.

Oh well. :D hahaha In fact, the conversation Thursday night included considering a brilliant scheme to publicize him as a politician.

I counted that as a possibility because I had never heard of Andrew Weiner before a couple of weeks ago or whenever this story broke, and a fake leaking of a fake picture that could easily be explained away after the publicity wears off is a pretty good use of today’s social media outlets.

Nope… He blew it, and now he’s at the podium crying about something I can’t figure out. What’s he crying for? o_O

He wasn’t crying when he was sending pictures of tha dilznick to random chicks behind his wife’s back. :D

What is it with these people?.. I just finished writing about Arnold Schwarzenegger tappin’ the maid to the point that he popped a kid out of her that arrived a week apart from when his own wife had a kid, and then 14 years later, he goes “Sorry”.

Three years ago, I wrote about Political Sex Scandals in general.

Why are y’all crying NOW? o_O .. Why are y’all (fortunately, Weiner didn’t do this) making your wives take the Perp Walk with you to the podium in a show of solidarity and “I’m sticking by my man even though he did XYZ”?

You didn’t invite your wives to the action, so leave them out of your press conferences.

So let’s take a look at my favorite highlights from Weiner’s confessional press conference:

Weiner [00:30]: Last Friday night, I tweeted a photograph of myself that I intended to send as a direct message as a part of a joke to a woman in Seattle. Once I realized I had posted it to Twitter, I panicked, I took it down and said that I had been hacked.

First of all.. What kind of joke involves a picture of tha dilznick? :D hahaha If you would have sent that picture to a dude, you might could have gotten punched in your ******* face, so what kind of a joke would it have been after that? o_O

If you’re going to fess up, fess up all the way. There isn’t any “joke” here. You were flirting with a chick, including sending her pictures of yourself. It’s too late to half-step on your confession. You’re not going to look any more proper by claiming that you joke around with women by sending them pictures of your body parts. In fact, you’re going to look dumber, so just admit that you were kickin’ it with her and you got stimulation out of it so we can move on.

Second.. Why in the **** are you flirting with chicks on public social media outlets when you have a wife? :D .. At least Tiger Woods got caught TRYING to be sneaky.

I mean, I realize that Weiner THOUGHT he was sending it to her via DM, but C’MON, SUNN! :/ get another ******* account for that. Jeez. :/

Third.. If you don’t know anything about social media, consult with people who do BEFORE you make even more of an ass out of yourself by coming up with excuses that you can’t sustain.

I watched him being interviewed by Rachel Maddow (watch the bottom video for the episode I saw).

While the conversation was going on and he was saying he was being pranked, I was like “ok then.. This must *NOT* be a picture of him at all, because how in the world would someone get a picture of him to FAKE Twittering to some chick if he never took a picture like that of himself ever in life?”

4 minutes into the video, Rachel says “Because you haven’t answered a question about whether the photo is you or not, you realize that everybody now thinks the photo IS you, and so where there’s smoke, there’s fire, there must be a real scandal here, you must have been doing something creepy here.. Let me ask you whether or not you want to answer that question, and then let me ask you what the answer to it is”. This is where I sat forward and was waiting for Weiner to IMMEDIATELY say “Nope, that’s not me”. Instead, he says “We don’t know for sure. The photograph doesn’t look familiar to me”.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… Wrong Answer.

That’s your leg or it isn’t. You own underwear like that or you don’t. You took a picture of yourself in underwear or you didn’t. It’s available in digital form or it isn’t.

0 or 1. There’s no “in between” here.

As SOON as he wouldn’t deny that he’s in the picture, I was sure that it WAS a picture of him and he had been coached to not deny it because if the truth was ever found out, he’d look like more of a liar than he already made himself out to be.

That was good coaching, but too little, too late.

Weiner [01:00]: I’m deeply sorry for the pain this has caused my wife and our family.

Yeah. That’s cute, but what pain is that, exactly? o_O

This dude (according to what he says NOW) hasn’t even been in the same room with chicks he’s been flirting with on the internet. No physical contact. He hasn’t had sex with ANYBODY other than his wife. What’s the problem here?

In fact, I think he did more damage to himself and people that love and support him by coming up with weak, unsupportable lies about being framed.

Imagine Arnold being like “Well.. You see… What had *HAPPENED* WAS… I was in this movie about myself being cloned, right.. and someone took advantage of that and swabbed my DNA from a glass when I was at a restaurant and created a clone of me with my housekeeper, 14 years ago, and…”

C’mon, Sunn! :/ .. If you’re busted, you’re busted. If you **** up and send a picture of tha dilznick over public Twitter, you have to realize that there are people that follow you by RSS, meaning that whatever you send out, regardless of how quickly you delete it, may very well have been emailed to them and be sitting there in their inbox, hours, days or weeks after you delete it… Once you press “send”, you’re toast. If you don’t know even that much, you need to stay out of social media, entirely.

A couple of years ago, this chick Twittered that some dude in a live stream was ugly. She found out a few minutes later that he was a social media bigwig and tried to delete the post. Unfortunately, it had already been archived by TweetScan, and my friends and I had a FIELD DAY, looking at what she actually said about the dude and then all the ass-kissing she did after the fact, trying to backpedal out of the situation after she had unsuccessfully deleted her authentic opinion about his looks.

Weiner [01:14]: In addition, over the past few years, I have engaged in several inappropriate conversations conducted over Twitter, Facebook, email and occasionally over the phone with women I have met online. I have exchanged messages and photos of an explicit nature with about six women over the last three years. For the most part, these communications took place before my marriage, though some have sadly taken place after. To be clear, I have never met any of these women or had physical relationships at any time.

Inappropriate conversations? :D .. When did he agree not to flirt with women?

Has anybody ever agreed not to flirt with women? Is that written into marriage vows? o_O

What is this guy crying about?

He’s admitting in public that he’s never physically met ANY of the chicks he’s been sending pictures to, so what’s the problem?

He hasn’t broken any of his marriage vows. He hasn’t broken any laws. According to his information, all the women he’s been kickin’ it with are GROWN-ASS WOMEN over the age of consent in New York… hmm.. Well.. Since I don’t know where these chicks are from, I should just say that according to his statement, all of the chicks have been over legal consensual sexual age in their respective states… Which doesn’t matter because he hasn’t had sex with any of them.

The funniest thing about this situation is that he destroyed his credibility way more by LYING ABOUT IT AFTER THE FACT than he did by accidentally posting the picture to public Twitter.

Weiner [02:45]: I have made it clear that I accept responsibility for this, and people who draw conclusions about me are free to do so. I’ve worked for the people of my district for 13 years, and politics for 20 years, and I hope that they see fit to see this in the light that it is, which is a deeply regrettable mistake.

THIS was flavor! :D .. PROPS to Anthony Weiner for saying that. That’s the real deal, right thurrr.

“I messed up. Hopefully, y’all can get past this and remember/recognize that I’ve been doing right by y’all in MY. ACTUAL. JOB. for the last 13 years. If you want to hate on me for sending pics to chicks of tha dilznick, I respect your decision to hate on me.”

That’s respectable, as far as I’m concerned. It’s not “Please look past this”, but rather that he realizes that his getting busted is going to alienate some people, and if they can’t get over it, he respects their decision to jump ship when election time rolls around.

That’s what he should have said from the giddyap.

Some drone reporter asks “Why would you do this after you’re married?.. You know it’s wrong…”

Weiner [03:45]: You know, I… I don’t know what I was thinking. This was a destructive thing to do. I’m apologetic for doing it. It was deeply, deeply hurtful to the people that I care about the most. um.. It was something that I did that was just wrong.. and I regret it.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ… Wrong Answer! :D

This is what I was talking about in my article “Sex Addiction Therapy & Rehab?”

This is a bullshit lie.

It may never cease to amaze me that guys are scared to ******* DEATH to say “I’m a guy. I like chicks. I kicked it to her because I felt like it.”

That’s the answer to that question. “Yeah, I’m married. Yeah, I like chicks. Yeah, I flirt with them on the internet. Next question?”

What’s even worse is that these drones keep falling for these excuses over and over. “oh.. There must be something wrong with him! :O”.. “oh.. He must be addicted to internet porno! :O”. Sorry. The fact is that some guys aren’t only attracted to their wives and they act on their personal interests. It’s no ******* major Scooby-Doo mystery.

“I don’t know what I was thinking”… “I sent a picture of tha dilznick to some chick in Seattle as a joke”… Who falls for this stuff? \o/

“I did it. I was kickin’ it with her. I tried to send it as a DM but ****** up. Hopefully, you’ll still vote for me in the next election.”

Some reporter: “Where is your wife?”

Weiner: She’s not here.

hahahahahahaha I loved that answer. :D

Mind your ******* business. My wife is wherever she happens to be, which is where she always is.

People are too used to politicians making their wives do the Perp Walk with them and stand next to them at a podium looking like absolute IDIOTS while their husbands tell the world about how they were playing them out behind their backs.

Thank you, Weiner, for not subjecting your wife to this idiocy.

These dudes do all this action behind their wives’ backs, so why in the hell should the chicks have to be there for the mea culpa press conference?

You know… I originally intended to comment on the entire video, but it’s 27 minutes long and I just don’t care anymore. :D

If you care, go watch it => http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/43301263#43301263

The bottom line is that Anthony Weiner didn’t have sex with *any* chicks outside of his marriage. He didn’t commit *one* single crime. As far as he knows (and nobody’s stepped forward to say otherwise), all the chicks he’s been flirting with on the internet are of legal age anywhere in the United States of America.

There’s no story here.

There’s a lesson, though…

The internet is fire. If you play with it, you might get burned. If you don’t know what you’re doing, you betta ASK SOMEBODY or ca-hall Tyrone.

If you insist on doing things on the internet that you don’t want to become a part of the public record, you need to implement your Mea Culpa / Perp Walk strategy BEFORE you start doing it, not AFTER you get caught.

I mean.. Think about it… What would have happened if Weiner had successfully sent this picture to the chick in Seattle and then she would have decided to forward it to her girlfriends or her boyfriend found it (if she has one), or any number of a gazillion other things would have happened?

We’re talking about *WHEN* something’s going to go wrong, not *IF*.

Arnold was screwing the help, popped a kid out of her, concealed it from his wife for 14 years, and *WEINER’S* at the podium crying because he sent pictures and text messages to women he’s never physically been in the same room with?

What’s the matter with you people? o_O
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By now, you’ve heard that Arnold Schwarzenegger was banging the hired help while he was married and having kids with his wife.

For some people, this was a surprise. I suppose they never read my 2008 article “Political Sex Scandals”.

I suppose they also never saw this video of Schwarzenegger in Brazil back in the day:

YouTube link => http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uerFZ2Z42nc

Does this look like a dude that’s interested in one female?… Nope.

It’s All In The Game

Anyway… I didn’t have much to say about this topic because it’s so basic that I couldn’t get a grip on only ONE topic that I wanted to talk about.

When it comes to dating, there are only three types of guys:

1. Guys that are looking for one girl to settle down with.
2. Guys that are willing to FAKE looking for one girl so they can get laid.
3. Guys that will tell you to your face that they’re not going to be exclusive with you and you can kick rocks if you don’t like it.

So.. When I hear that some dude has a teenage kid with his hired help, my two reactions are, a) “Sucks to be you.. Should have used a condom.”, and b) “**** it. He’s rich. He can afford Child Support payments”.

Also, when I hear that the hired help’s kid is the same age as his wife’s youngest kid, I’m like “Welp… Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy.”

So.. Obviously, I have no problems at all with dudes screwing as many chicks as they like, even on the same day…. If you’re not hip to the facts, according to CNN:

A son fathered by Arnold Schwarzenegger with his housekeeper was born less than a week after Maria Shriver gave birth to another Schwarzenegger son, according to birth records obtained Wednesday by CNN.

The New York Times, citing two friends of the family, reported the mother was Mildred Patricia Baena, who worked for two decades as housekeeper for the Schwarzenegger family.

The former California governor acknowledged Tuesday he was the father of a child “over a decade ago,” but he did not identify the mother.

So.. Obviously, he was tagging up on both of them at the same time…. I’mma let Robbie Nevil handle this one:

YouTube link => http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGtf9QfITQw

The ‘problem’ I have with the situation is that that’s a sucker move, telling a chick you’re exclusive with her to get her to lay down. That’s like one step above paying a prostitute. That’s not sporting. :/

I mean.. How do you feel about yourself when you spend all this time and energy, attaining a position of power, and then you can’t do what you actually want to do with your life? o_O

What’s the point of attaining anything in life at all? If you want to bang the housekeeper, bang the ******* housekeeper. I don’t see what the problem is.

You bought like a Porsche or a yacht or a mansion because you felt like it, right? How come you have to sneak behind your woman’s back and hook up with the hired help?

Nice Life.

Discretion

If a chick doesn’t know how to keep her mouth shut about the fact that y’all are hooking up, she’s either worthless or a liability. Neither one is good.

One of the benefits to hooking up with the hired help is that she’s already on the payroll.

You’re already paying her to do things for you, so all you have to do is extend her job description.

You’re also already paying her to keep her mouth shut. You don’t want her blabbing to the tabloids about what goes on in your house when she’s mopping the ******* floor, so discretion is pretty much built-in if you decide to start screwing her.

This is one of the reasons people like Charlie Sheen specialize in hookers. If you hook up with random groupies, they’re going to have your business all over Facebook before you wake up the next morning.

That’s one of the differences between celebrities and regular dudes. If you’re a regular dude, chicks deny giving you some to their very last breath on this Earth. If you’re a celebrity, they’re bragging to their friends about whose **** they just ****** as soon as they can wash their hands and pick up their Blackberry or iPhone.

The hired help isn’t going to do this to you because she wants to keep getting paid. She knows she’s living lovely. She also knows that she would have hooked up with you for free, anyway… Like, if you would have met her in a club and pressed up on her, she would have been like “But Where Does Homey Sign? :(“.

Invisibility

If you’ve decided to go the sucker route of promising an exclusive relationship to a chick and then continuing your single lifestyle as if whatever’s clever, you most definitely need to *NOT* be seen with the chick(s) you’re hooking up with.

Even the most inept cheaters COUGHtigerwoodsCOUGH know not to be seen chillin’ in public with ‘extra’ chicks.

This is why the hired help is useful for sex. You have legitimate excuses for being alone with them.

Your wife goes on a trip? hehe SOMEBODY’S got to take care of the kids, and it sure as hell isn’t going to be YOU. >:D .. A few PlayStations and Xboxes scattered around the house, and the maid’s all yours for as long as you can tap that.

If you happen to be seen with her in public, like, at Wal-Mart or something, nobody can say **** to you, because everybody knows she’s your housekeeper.

Relativity

It also kind of helps if the chick is busted compared to your wife.

^^^ What she looked like around the time Arnold got her pregnant ^^^

This is the move, because even if someone tries to imply that you’re hooking up with her, the peanut gallery’s going to shout them down, saying “Look at his wife, and then look at her… There’s NO WAY he’s tappin’ that, sunn. :/”

This same type of bias is the reason that there are no Asians on television and why you never see a story about someone busted getting killed on Dateline.

It’s always “How could this happen to the cute, pretty, beautiful whomever? :O” as if ******-up stuff never happens to unattractive people.

So.. Yeah.. If you’re going to hire a maid, make sure she has the type of body that turns you on, but her grill is sort of irregular, and you’ll slide right under the radar every time.

STD Issues

Another problem with hooking up with groupies is that… well… they’re groupies. \o/

That means that you and whomever else they’re jocking right now can get some.

That means that whatever they just caught, they can pass on to you quick fast in a hurry, Flavor’s vision ain’t blurry.

Arnold went for the double fail-safe by boning a chick that was already married.

Married chicks, for the most part, aren’t out on the dating scene, so all you really have to worry about is if her husband is cheating on her, passing HER something that she passes YOU that you pass YOUR WIFE and then you get busted for cheating 14 years ago instead of recently.

On top of that, married dudes tend to get lazy and not sex their wives properly, so she’s easy pickin’s.

So, it’s really the best situation, evAr. The chick works for you, she’s sweating you, you’re already paying her, she’s down to give you some, she’s not dating anybody, she’s proven she can keep your business out tha street… on top of all that, she knows that if she acts like she’s clean and she’s not, she gets fired, so she has even more incentive to tell you the truth about that.

You’re still a ******* IDIOT for hittin’ it without a condom, but at least married chicks that work for you are pretty much the best deal you’re going to get.

Flexibility

I’ve never been married, because I’ve never met an attractive female Billionaire that was any good at SOCOM:

However.. There are a lot of situations where once a gal gets married to a dude, she feels like, er.. she doesn’t have to be that Hawt Chick for him anymore.

This is a blatant error, ladies. :D If you think your husband got married to you so he could feel LESS turned on than when he was dating you and/or engaged to you, you’re wrong.

There’s a very good reason why strip clubs, whorehouses and porno will never go out of style.

Never.

So, if you go that route, and the hired help is still trying to be that Hawt Chick for your man, you “might could” get cheated on.

Granted… This probably doesn’t have anything to do with Arnold’s situation, because a) his wife always looked better than the housekeeper, and b) the kids popped out less than a week apart from each other, so he was obviously still enjoying hooking up with his wife while he was banging the hired help without a condom.

Still.. The fact remains that while the hired help may not have graduated from MIT http://alum.mit.edu/www/billcammack/, or, actually, any college at all.. Your husband might hit it if she’s willing to “drop it like it’s hot”, and you aren’t.

Gettin’ It In

Ultimately, the problem here is what I’ve always said the problem is.

Since guys know what the game is, they’re willing to fake it to get chicks to do what we want them to do.

You want to be my girlfriend? fine.. My fiancee? fine.. My wife? fine… And then I’m going to continue doing whatever the **** I feel like doing until you get hip to the game, which may be never.

What happens if you find out?.. Nothing. \o/ .. You bounce, and then I can spend even more time with my other girlfriends… Peace in the Middle East… Don’t let the doorknob hit’cha where the Good Lord split’cha.

Unfortunately, people will continue to be amazed and surprised that some dude was screwing other chicks when he claimed he wasn’t.

There are some guys that are only physically attracted to one woman.

There are other guys that will hook up with any gal that turns them on.

If you’re suspicious, leave your sound-activated baby monitor video camera in the laundry room, or wherever you suspect your man’s gettin’ it in with the maid.

Also, make sure you check his glove compartment and fishing tackle box for condoms… Although we found out from Arnold that your man might not be using them with the next chick anyway.
–
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I’ve received the absolute best feedback about my personality from women I’ve been involved with. That’s because I’m being real with them.. Mostly intentionally, and other times, unintentionally.

I suppose another reason is that I can’t stand to spend inordinate amounts of time with unintelligent women.

I just can’t stand it.. Never could, really. I remember being in camp and looking forward to my afternoon conversation with one of the junior counselor females that was like 10 years older than I was. I wasn’t kickin’ it to her.. It was just really refreshing to have an intelligent conversation, and I enjoyed her company and remember her fondly to this very day.

Anyway… I wouldn’t be anywhere near the person I am today without the feedback I’ve received from the women I’ve been closest to over the years. There are some things you can’t figure out about yourself that are really obvious to women that spend a lot of time around you. Considering what they’ve had to say, deciding for myself whether it was true, and then either doing something about it or living with it has helped me make incredible strides in my personal development and introspection.

Limitations

I suppose my favorite instance was when my ex, while we were still together, was probably about 3 feet away from me, looks at me and says calmly and factually “You have a limited use for women.”

The first thing I did was look at her. She looked… regular. :) The next thing I did was play back what she said, to be sure that I heard her properly. When I decided that I had, I started to consider her viewpoint.

I already knew she was intelligent. I already knew that we were completely open with each other about everything. I already knew that I spent every day with her unless I was working or one of us was out of town. There was no opportunity for me to dismiss her statement on the grounds of lack of experience.

Next, I considered what my opinion was about her opinion.

I drew pretty much a blank. I remember “seeing” clouds, like no thoughts at all.

The entire process only actually took a few seconds, but then I decided that she had EXTENSIVE EXPERIENCE at being not only a woman, but a woman that I was treating as the most special unrelated-to-me female on the entire planet, and I had NO EXPERIENCE at being a woman OR dating myself, so I looked at her and said “You’re right.”

I don’t remember if a conversation ensued. I don’t believe it did. I think it was just something that was on her mind and she decided to say. She didn’t have any emotion about her statement, one way or the other. I would have been able to tell.

I didn’t have any emotion about what she said either, which was probably the most interesting aspect of the situation to me when it occurred. I think I just sat there and thought about the exchange, because I never thought I’d have someone say that to me, especially someone I was CURRENTLY WITH! haha and I never thought that I’d have that response, or, actually, NO RESPONSE to her statement.

Somewhere along the line, I thought “I’m glad she’s intelligent enough to decipher that from my consistent behavior towards her and towards other women she’s seen me interact with” and “I’m glad she knows me that well that she’s receiving information from me that I’m not consciously or deliberately offering her”.

Hopefully, I’ll never forget that situation, how it went down, how we looked and felt. It was pretty much a defining moment in our relationship, because it had that element of “emotionless togetherness” that we shared for a long, long, long time. Communication and openness were KEY factors for us, and I’m glad she felt comfortable saying something so potentially volatile to me, and I’m glad I was able to consider her thoughts and return her an honest, heartfelt answer.

Trojans

A situation I found rather humorous was when I was talking to a female friend about the process by which I decide if I’m going to attend a hangout.

Women that know me know that I never confirm that I’m going anywhere until the last minute. That’s because I never know what I want to do until I want to do it. I can’t tell you that I want to see you on Thursday if it’s currently Tuesday. All I can tell you is that I want to see you right now, or I don’t.

Of course, exceptions have to be made for business bookings and certain women that are rarely available, so I have to book whatever time with them in advance that I can get, and then ******* grin & bear it when that day and time arrives, HOPING that I feel like hanging out with them at that point.

Other than that, everything I do is penciled in. If we make plans to hang out on Thursday at 6pm, I’ll let you know on Thursday, up to, say.. 4pm whether I actually want to come see you or not.

I know that women reading this are already turning over in the graves they’re not yet in, but it gets worse…

So I’m talking to my close female friend about hangouts, right?.. and I’m explaining the situation to her, and I end up saying that unless the situation requires me to utilize a condom, there’s no guarantee that I’m going to show up.

:O

Now, I was exaggerating.. a little.. to make my point. What I was saying was that the value to me of arriving *anywhere* IRL is stimulating female company. I’m not lonely. I have 2,708 Facebook Friends, which statistically means that I can contact any one of 1,354 women right this very second, probably 300 of which live in NYC, and are within physical striking distance inside of an hour’s worth of travel on mass transportation.

The reason I wanted to bring this up is not to blabber on about myself for no reason, but to discuss something that I find absolutely MIND-BOGGLING about women…

um… WHAT? o_O

Women swear up and down on a stack of Bibles that men date then with no intention of having sex with them.

I just can’t figure this out. It’s amazing. It’s like what on EARTH do you think he’s contacting you on that online dating service for? Why do you think he asked you out? Why do you think he went to dinner with you? Do you think he’s lonely? Do you think he doesn’t have any friends? Nobody to talk to? Nobody to go to dinner with? o_O

Hopefully, one of y’all will leave a comment and please enlighten me so I can stop thinking about this. What are y’all THINKING when these dating situations occur for you?

I’m not saying the guy ONLY wants sex from you. I’m saying that if he DIDN’T want to hook up with you, he’d be out to dinner WITH. SOMEBODY. ELSE.

He’d be out to dinner with his homeboys. He’d be out to dinner with his coworkers. He’d be out to dinner with people from his bowling league. He’d be out to dinner with his ACTUAL platonic female friends.

I just continue to be amazed at how women fall for the okey-doke and then, like after Elmer Fudd figures out he got Herbed by Bugs Bunny, y’all go “You Know???….. I think he only asked me out so he could HAVE SEX WITH ME!!! :O” and then I have to do the slapping-my-forehead-smiley because I’m like OH GOD.. NOT AGAIN!!! :/

What’s worse than that is that y’all fall for the same stupid tricks over and over and over and over and over. Incredible.

*PRO TIP* – Please stop accepting what guys say as facts. Just stop it. Now. Today. Stop.

Please stop telling me things you don’t personally know about as if they’re bona fide, verified facts. I don’t want to ever again hear one of y’all say “I was dating this guy who was in the process of leaving his wife, and….” no… no no no no no, Nobody’s leaving ANYBODY. It’s what guys say to get you to spread your legs.

First of all, stop falling for the okey-doke. Second, stop TELLING ME about the situation as if dude suddenly decided to try to make it work with his wife. His wife has been at home baking brownies like June Cleaver and sending their kids off to school with bologna sandwiches the whole time he’s been screwing you.

Stop asking me why dude changed his mind about marrying you. He only said he would to keep you in pocket.

Stop asking me how he got “another” girlfriend so quickly after y’all broke up… Most likely, either a) she’s a girl he picked up while he was dating you, or b) YOU’RE a girl he picked up while he was dating HER.

Is it jaded? Is it pessimistic? Is it cold-hearted, like my homegirl Sierra calls herself? Maybe… It’s also REALISTIC.

Why in the world would a guy “date” a gal he doesn’t want to have sex with? \o/

What incentive does a guy have to not LIE HIS ASS OFF in order to get whatever he wants from you? \o/

There’s no code of ethics to dating. We’re not doctors. We’re trying to get laid.

Do me a favor… Do YOURSELF a favor.. Take it from a guy whose current girlfriend at the time told him he has a limited use for women..

Unless you or someone you trust can personally verify what a guy that’s trying to hook up with you is telling you, stop accepting it as factual information. It’s possible, it might even be probable, but it’s definitely not certain.

Is that going to help you avoid the pitfalls? Nope. However.. It might just make you feel a little better about yourself after the fact if you go into a dating situation fully understanding that this guy might be lying to you in order to make it easier for him to hit it & quit it.
–
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