Reader SlightlyScared writes:
SlightlyScared: “I recently met a woman online through Twitter that I think might be a worthy woman for me to hang my long-time bachelor status for. Weâ€™ve been talking via instant messenger and she seems read and incredible. There are pictures of her online, she seems to be open about herself, has a web site, etc. We havenâ€™t talked on the phone or really talked about anything personal and I canâ€™t think of a way to move to the phone without giving away I like her more than a chat buddy. There isnâ€™t a reason for us to talk on the phone and I donâ€™t want to scare her off. I can walk up to a woman anywhere but this woman I am anxious about the things I do. DatingGenius, do you have any advice? Tyme, would you push a man away if he wanted to talk on the phone? It would mean giving up her phone number and some women hesitate on that. Thanks in advance.”
I meant to write about that directly, but there’s a more general issue that needs to be addressed.
For all the talk of “women’s intuition”, women are ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS about when a guy likes them. Completely. 😀 … This works to you advantage and also to your disadvantage.
It works to your advantage because you get to avoid the path of redundant self-desctruction which is turning a perfectly good female friend into an ex-girlfriend. See… Chicks can’t take it that you just plain think they’re hawt and you like hanging out with them and messing with them. They have to get *GREEDY*! 😀 They start envisioning dating you, then being engaged to you then being married to you then having kids with you blah blah blah blah blah….. This is why it’s ALWAYS chicks that want to “have the talk”… “Where is this relationship going? :(” … “What are we to each other? :(” … “Are we ‘serious’?” HAHAHAHAHAHA 😀
You can avoid all this by just not kicking it to them in the first place and remaining their friend. You get MUCH more utility out of a chick as a friend than you would as a girlfriend. She will MIND HER BUSINESS when some other chick wants to kick it to you. It’s no big deal to her if you don’t call her for a week or two. You can go out with her all you want and survive multiple iterations of boyfriends.
It’s the best thing in the world to be friends with hot chicks, because they have no shelf-life. No expiration date. You get to keep them forever, and their boyfriends only have them for a few months or years at a time, and then they disappear like dust in the wind. Never to be mentioned again. Never to be seen again. Like some effing GHOSTS. Gone. Nobody. Nothing. Meanwhile, you’re still meeting up with her for drinks like you did before THIS boyfriend and like you did before the boyfriend before HIM……
Now, the DISADVANTAGE IS that while you’re “being her friend”, if your actual goal was to be her BOYFRIEND, she’s completely oblivious to your intentions. Most chicks in this United States society are pair-bonders. They’re looking to hook up with ONE guy and stick with him until they croak. By playing the friend role, you’re actually getting FURTHER from being her boyfriend instead of closer. She’s spending time with you, but keeping her eye out for guys that are ABOUT SOMETHING. She’s envisioning two-car garages and kids and dogs and cats and grass you have to mow and mortgages you have to pay and getting together at her grandparents’ house on Sundays. The more you play that “friend” game, the LESS she thinks of you as a boyfriend.
Think about it… If you were serious about dating her, you would have said so, right? It’s completely erroneous to believe that friendship -> dating. It *CAN*, but most of the time, chicks are pretty quick. They play it off like they don’t like you, but they can feel it deep down inside. They know if they want to get with you practically immediately. If she decides that you’re boyfriend material, and you’re busy playing the friend role, you know what’s going to happen? She’s going to shut down.
As much as GUYS hate rejection, chicks hate it way more. If she’s into you and you’re not clearly into her, she may suck it up…. suppress it. I mean, if she believes in “the one” (which is an entirely different topic :/), HOW can you be “the one” when you’re right there in her face and you’re only interested in her as a friend? If you were “the one”, wouldn’t YOU feel what SHE’S feeling? Does that make sense? By playing the friend role, when you really mean to date her, you’re actually negating yourself as her “knight in shining armor” that’s going to scoop her up and take her away from the dating scene.
So… Getting to SlightlyScared‘s question…
When are you going to pull the trigger? When are you going to turn the corner? You’re asking how to get from IM to phone without “giving away that you like her more than a chat buddy”. What’s the future of that? Think about it? “How do I get her to video chat with me without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I invite her out to dinner without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I take her to the movies without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I get her to come to the crib without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I get her to cook for me without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I make out with her without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” … “How do I have sex with her without giving away that I like her as more than a chat buddy?” ………
See what I mean? It has to end somewhere. Sooner or later, you’re going to do something that makes her go “hey….. I think this guy’s attracted to me like that…” What happens then? What’s your plan after that? It’s a really good idea to assume that she’s completely CLUELESS that you’re romantically interested in her. As a matter of fact, keep it up with this “friends” tactic, and when you finally drop it, she MAY NOT EVEN BELIEVE YOU! 😀 How about that? How would you like that?
The trick here is that as poor judges of character as women are, they THINK they’re excellent judges of character. By the time you jump out of the cake like “SURPRISE!!! I LIKE YOU!!! :D”, she’s already used her superior intuition to determine that you DON’T like her, or else you would have tried something by now. So now you’re stuck. She thinks you’re kidding, because in order to believe you, she’d have to admit that she ISN’T a good judge of character, and that you wanted her, BADLY, all this time, and she never noticed it. This leads her into a state of Cognitive Dissonance. Click that link and read about it. It’s very useful, if you know what to do with it, but if you don’t, it could be a rap-destroyer… AND a potential friend-destroyer.
So… My answer to the question is to forget about keeping the wool pulled over her eyes. 😀 Think about how you’re going to get from your current “friendship” to the relationship you *ACTUALLY* want. And think about it SOON, before the next man steps up and scoops your chick.