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Post: January 29, 2009 5:54 pm

Screenshot: January 30, 2009 8:56 am (15 hours live)

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Lindz & Bill return just in time to save your relationship with the Top Ten Valentine’s Day DON’Ts!!!

L = Lindsey Chen

B = Bill Cammack

1. Don’t FORGET

B: If Saturday, February 14th, 2009 rolls around and you’re Cold Lampin’ on the couch with the remote, your brew and some chips, you just blew it. Valentine’s Day will either make or break your coming year with your girl. Whatever you do or don’t do, she’s going to carry that with her for MONTHS.

You still have two weeks left, so think ahead… If you need to hit Chinatown and put that bracelet on layaway… make it happen. Also, make those restaurant reservations NOW! You’ll never hear the end of it if y’all get jerked at the door and you end up in the bootleg, sharing a 40 and a snack box for V-Day dinner.

L: Totally. Once I dated this guy who forgot about Valentines Day… and took me to a crappy diner. Meanwhile the whole time I’m thinking is, “is this guy for real?” As if I am going to fall for that BS. I dumped him immediately. Ladies, if this happens to you, its not only a jerk move, but its an indication of your future. Right now he’s forgetting about Valentine’s Day, but soon it will be your birthday, you date on Saturday night, the money he owed you for rent, the ice cream bars you asked him to pick up from the store, the list goes on.

2. Don’t order first

B: When the waitress comes over, don’t go “YEAH, I WOULD LIKE…..” Show some class, and let the lady order first. If she’s not ready, tell the waitress you need some more time. NEVER order first. DO. NOT. ORDER. FIRST! hahaha :D If she insists that you order first, stay shut. This is absolutely non-negotiable. If you order first on your own, you’re a neanderthal. If you let her PRESSURE YOU into ordering first, you’re a wuss. Neither one is good, so keep it SHUT until she orders.

Don’t overdo it, though. Some guys like to try and order FOR their women. No good. Unless you know what she likes, AND what she wants right now, don’t do it. The only way to be guaranteed of doing this properly is if you ASK HER what she wants, and when the waitress comes over, you inform her “The Lady Will Have…” and order your food AFTER she takes your girlfriend’s order.

PS – I know it will be a waitress, because they don’t hire waiters in Hooters.

L: On that note, if your man takes you to Hooters, (sorry Bill), refer to #1 and D-U-M-P. Unless of course, you love hooters or you’re a hooters girl and you have to work on Valentine’s Day. If you jump the gun and order before her, that translates to, she’s just another ‘friend’ and you’re not a gentleman. Let her order first, even if it takes 10 minutes and you know what you want. On that note, open doors… ALWAYS.

3. Don’t take her to the sports bar

B: Valentine’s Day is not about YOU. It’s about HER. Take her where SHE wants to go instead of where YOU want to go! YOUR holiday is NEXT MONTH, on March 14th, when everyone celebrates Steak & Blowjob Day.

Forget about that for now… Focus on romance and flowers and candy and candlelight dinners and walking arm-in-arm and all that good stuff that she’s been looking forward to for the entire year since LAST V-Day.

L: This is especially true if you’re not a touchy – feely person. Maybe you don’t like to hold hands in public or you aren’t the ‘type’ of guy to bring her flowers. Do yourself a favor and do it for her. It’s her day, not yours. When Superbowl Sunday rolls around, that’s YOUR day. But on this special day, do what she wants.

4. Don’t set the bar too high

B: Do NOT go All-Out on V-Day. She’s taking notes. Whatever you do for her on February 14th, she’s going to compare what you do for her the entire rest of the year against it. If you’re 100% fly one day of the year, that means you’re probably 100% wack on the other 364.

Even it out. You SHOULD have been doing great stuff for her all year anyway, which would have relieved most of your V-Day performance anxiety.

L: Very good point. If you take her to a fancy steak house on Valentine’s Day then take her to Taco Bell on your other dates, you can consider yourself done. Don’t take her somewhere where she’s thinking, holy shit did someone just die and he inherited a million dollars? OR is this guy smoking crack? Surprises are good, but make sure if you do something THAT GOOD, you can keep up with it for the rest of your relationship with her. Remember, as time goes on, she’s just going to expect MORE.

5. Don’t take calls/texts from your ex

B: If there’s ANY TIME of the ENTIRE YEAR that you need to at least ACT LIKE it’s all about your girlfriend, Valentine’s Day is IT. Focus. FOCUS! *FOCUS*!!! Do not accept calls and gleefully chatter away with your ex-girlfriend while your current girlfriend’s can see/hear you. If you just HAVE TO talk to your ex, excuse yourself to the men’s room or pretend you’re going outside to smoke.

There’s no reason AT ALL to talk to an ex-girlfriend on V-Day…….. unless, of course, you’re making plans with her to tap that later on this evening.

L: And if it’s the latter, then either you’re a playa or you’re a jerk. Haven’t decided yet. And a note to self, if you do end up picking up the phone from your ex and you remember what Bill said earlier, don’t worry, just say “Hey Mom, Happy Valentine’s Day. Yeah, she’s good, ok great, Thanks, You too, I love you, talk to you later.” Works every time.

6. Don’t *NOT* send her flowers at work

L: You see, there’s an unspoken game that goes on at everyone’s work on Valentine’s Day. It’s called “My boyfriend/husband loves me more than yours does.” When the flower guy comes to deliver flowers, all the women’s heads shoot up thinking, “I hope they’re for me.” Of course, if you’re the person that doesn’t get flowers on Valentine’s Day, everything thinks, “She must be in a fight” or “He must not really love her.” You want your girlfriend to feel like the most special girl every and everyone to envy her at work. Then she’ll win the game. That’s how it works. And if you can’t afford $100 flowers (because that’s how much they cost on V day) then buy some from a flower shop and have your friend (who no one in her office knows) deliver them. Throw in a cupcake and your’re golden.

B: I was going to say this one in my five. This is EXTREMELY CRITICAL. First of all, you HAVE TO send them to her job. Second, you HAVE TO send them EARLY, so her girlfriends sweat her all day while she feels comfortable and loved and NOT ANXIOUS as far as whether she’s gonna get hers before the whistle blows @ 5pm. Third, like Lindz said… Go BIG or Go HOME!!! If you can’t shell out the ducats for the flower shop action, go to any ghetto area and look for a store with a fruit stand. Roses will be either $1 per or $2 per. Either way, $50 or less gets you two dozen long-stemmed roses, wrapped. Get your boy to deliver them and get ready to be treated like a *KING* after she gets out of work. :D

7. Don’t be uncomfortable just to impress him

L: The last thing you’re boyfriend/husband/date wants to hear on Valentine’s Day is you complaining that your feet hurt. I’m sure he hears it enough as it is. While you don’t want to look like a hobo (Think the Olsen Twins), you don’t want to look like a hooker. That’s for later in the bedroom. However, you do want to wear something that sets apart this outfit from your regular ‘date’ outfits. Throw a flower in your hair, wear sparkly earrings, get your nails done. Look presentable, but make sure you won’t complain about it later on.

B: You don’t even know, L…. I’ve been saying this EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND. of the winter hahaha. Ladies, PLEASE, PLEASE do yourselves a favor and dress for the elements. STOP rocking high-heel regular shoes in the snow. STOP rocking Mini-Skirts when the temperature’s below 30 degrees. STOP wearing those short, “cute” jackets and shivering while you’re waiting outside on the line to get in that club. That’s not showing DEDICATION. That’s showing that you’re completely INSECURE and don’t think anybody’s going to think you’re attractive unless they can see every inch of your T&A.

If you need to learn how to dress in the winter, come around the way and see how fly the girls rock their Timberlands and North Face jackets and STILL have guys falling all over each other and THEMSELVES to try to rap to them.

8. Don’t be a drunken whore

Yes you’ll order a bottle of wine, or maybe a couple, but don’t overdo it just because its a holiday. Besides bringing up past ex’s the only other turnoff is if he has to hold your hair back while you puke in the street, toilet or heaven forbid on his shoes. This is not a fraternity formal. Plus, if you’re too drunk and he’s too drunk then you’ll probably just go home and pass out. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is LAME.

B: Good advice. However, this is also a function of her man doing the right thing with #4: “Don’t set the bar too high”. Don’t ply your girl with Colt 45 or PBR all year and then break out the Dom, Moet & Cordon Negro on V-Day. That’s the sure-fire way to put her out of commission. Not only that, but when she wakes up she MIGHT NOT even remember all the stuff you did for her on her special day. :/

Of course… This would help you with #1, in case you forgot what day it was, entirely. Pick up the champagne, get her drunk, then when she wakes up, explain to her how you took her to Tavern On The Green and then a Horse & Carriage Ride around Central Park before she passed out.

9. Don’t always assume he’s going to foot the bill

L: AKA, bring a wallet. I knew a girl that would go on dates and just ‘forget’ her wallet at home. That girl, I call a pretentious bitch. It’s the 21st century and while yes, 99% of males will pay for the date, WHAT IF you happen to go out with the other 1%? Plus, if you opt to grab a coffee or ice cream after the restaurant, then you should probably insist to pay. Or if you go straight home, pay for the cab. It’s rude to assume that he will always pay. Plus it makes you seem more independent and confident.

B: DEFINITELY bring a wallet. If he can’t pay the bill, they’re going to want cold, hard cash from you…… unless you have dish-washing or table/pole-dancing skillz.

10. Don’t Cancel

L: This is probably the #1 reason to dump the person over the phone, via email or text. If you cancel the day of, he has a right to dump you because you’re a heartless bitch. If he puts all the time and effort into this day to essentialy celebrate you, then you need to go. I don’t care if your dog or cat died the night before. If you’re not in the hospital or dead, then you best be showing up. Common courtesy. On the flip side, if he does this to you dump him. If he stands you up this time or cancels last minute, then you know that he doesn’t have the sense to know its wrong and unacceptable and he’s do it again in the future. Except next time, it might be your wedding day.

B: Rep-Re-SENT!… Preach!.. PREACH!!! :D

Oh man. I can’t imagine after all that planning and getting a haircut and getting new gear for the date and all those trips to Chinatown for the layaway, if she just… Canceled. omg. If you’re not in the hospital or dead, you’d best be in line at the courthouse for that RESTRAINING ORDER, because that’s just wrong.

As for the fellaz… If you don’t make it to the V-Day date, you’d better bring back proof that you were IN JAIL or don’t bother showing up to her crib ever again. Instead of “that time of the month”, it’ll *usually* be “that time of the *WEEK*” when it comes to you getting some, so you’d be better off just starting all over with a new chick.

Lindz & Bill

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L = Lindsey Chen B = Bill Cammack

L: There are millions (and counting) of girls out there who are single. Some of them prefer to be single, but for the most part, they just can’t get a guy. Why? These girls are eligible bachelorettes, good looking, have a career and (for the most part) aren’t crazy. They are just breaking some simple rules when trying to get a guy. And that’s probably because they don’t realize they are making these obvious mistakes. My advice? Follow the rules and it should be smooth sailing from here on out.

1) Looking in all the wrong places

L: It’s Friday night and you’re all dressed up to head to the coolest bar or as I like to call it, “frat boy feeding grounds.” This is your first indication that you’re in the wrong place. The second indication is that guys are fist pumping while dancing to “My Humps” and any other song by R. Kelly. These guys are classy. Real classy. Do you want to hook up with these guys? Probably not. So why are you there? You’re better off meeting someone doing something you like i.e. Museums, concerts, Art galleries or even a lounge. Already you’ll have something to talk about and eliminate the problem of meeting Mr. Douchebag who you’ll have to talk to for at least 7 minutes when he buys you a drink and then force him off of you because he’s too drunk to even have a proper conversation. I’ll explain the 7 minute rule later.

B: Spot-On, hahaha I can always tell what kind of girls are going to be in a spot by the kinds of guys I see there. Maybe there’s some variety when a place first opens, but eventually, the bar achieves a certain “personality”, and the same type of people tend to flock to it. The more these people show up, the less OTHER people show up, because it becomes less their scene. Eventually, places become known for certain types of guys that go there. Once that happens, girls who are into those types of guys go to those places… and girls that DON’T like those types of guys avoid those places.

The problem occurs when it’s “girls’ night out” and one of your homegirls picks a bar with the types of guys SHE likes, but not the types YOU like. If this is the case, make sure you rotate who gets to choose the venue! :D

Meeting someone doing something you like is a way better option, because you definitely have something in common and even if you don’t want to go to a museum and see who shows up there, there are online groups like http://meetup.com where people figure out what interests they share and then make plans to get together IRL.

2) Giving them your number and expecting them to call

L: If a guy asks for your number, OK give it to him. There’s about a 35% chance that he’ll call. But don’t just shove your number in his pocket (or better yet, write it on his hand) and expect him to call. That screams, SLUT! Here’s you’re first mistake. You’re too aggressive. Half the fun is the chase and if you put yourself out there like that, you’re coming across as too easy. Guys don’t like that. If guys wanted an easy girl, he’d go to the local strip club or pick up the first girl on the corner of the street. At least he wouldn’t have to waste his time conversing with you. Anyway, these aren’t the guys that you’re going for, right? You’re to classy for that kind of shit.

B: That’s just the thing. If you give a guy your number when he didn’t ask you for it, he’s either thinking that you’re sweating him or that you give your number to everybody. If he was planning on calling you anyway, then good for you for indicating that you like him also. If he WASN’T planning on calling you, he’ll still take your number, just in case. So if he doesn’t crumple it up and discard it after you walk away, you *might* get a call after he runs down the list of chicks he ACTUALLY wanted to hang out with that night.

Your best bet is to make him so interested in you that he’s DYING to get your number before letting you out of his sight. ;)

3) Allowing the guys to buy you unlimited drinks

L: Now I talked about my 7 minute rule above. If a guy buys you a drink, he’s entitled to 7 minutes of your time. This doesn’t mean that you’re only worth 7 minutes, it’s just the rule. SO first off, be prepared to talk to him for at least 7 minutes. After the first drink if you want to “buy yourself” another 7 minutes, YOU buy the next round of drinks. You don’t want to seem needy and cheap, do you? If he keeps buying you drinks all night, that just shows that you are unable or unwilling to be independent and need taking care of. This give him the upper hand in the relationship and it’s not a good way to start. You make your own money, you can buy things. After all, didn’t Beyonce sing about how great it is to be an Independent Woman? I thought so.

B: lol @ 7 minute rule! :D This is very true that guys tend to buy women’s time. You have to think about it like a business. A beer plus tip in Manhattan’s around $7, so that means by using Lindz’s style, you’re getting paid $1/minute to talk with him. That’s pretty good, considering you’d be getting paid ~ $6/minute to give him a one-song length lap dance, and you get to keep your clothes on! :D

However, if you don’t eject after 7 minutes, you’re only worth pennies per minute, and that’s not cool. :(

Buying the next round is what separates “the women from the girls” as it were. Buying drinks isn’t about keeping your money in your own pocket…. It’s about spreading goodwill. You’re doing a favor for someone that you like. By not reciprocating when he buys you drinks, not only do you NOT look independent… He’s stacking up favors that he’s going to want returned in other ways later that evening. I’m not saying he DESERVES what he’s going to request… Just don’t be surprised when it happens… AGAIN.

4) Talking about boring shit

L: If you just meet a guy, this is the time to let him know how awesome you are. Talk about something interesting (stay away from politics and religion), not something boring. If the first sentence that comes out of your mouth is, “I got these new shoes that I have been wanting and they were on sale at Bloomies.” all he’s going to hear is, “I got these new shoes and I’m so self absorbed, no wonder I am single.” ::scans eyes around the room for another potential girl who isn’t boring as hell::. See what I mean? Don’t be boring. Girls, you know what that means.

B: No doubt. Talking to him is how you express your personality and intelligence. If you squander that opportunity, he’s gonna see you as T&A and relate to you as such.

Also, make sure you’re original and not derivative. You want him to consider you a thinker and someone unpredictable… Not someone who’s going to regurgitate what she read in the paper on the way to work that morning. :/

5) Hitting on other guys at the same time

L: So you’re talking to a guy and then he excuses himself to go to the bathroom. The conversation is going really well. Then another guy sits on the other side of you and offers to buy you a drink. Say NO. No matter how much you want this other drink (you lush), that is disrespectful to the first guy. He’s going to come back from the bathroom and see you scamming on some other guy and think wow, she’s a slut. This is not a good impression. At least wait until the first guy has left the bar! Have some respect for you and for him! You can’t go two-timing guys and expect them to both want you still. Do you know what the ratio of single girls to guys are? Let’s just say that you don’t have the advantage!

B: I guess this is the flip side of the 7-minute rule, which is “if you’re enjoying yourself, allot as much time as you like with hanging out with the same guy”. Yeah, if you’re already in a good conversation, don’t let it get derailed by the next man tryinna get on. Just let him know that you appreciate it, but you’re waiting for your friend to come back. However, like Lindz said… If dude #1 breaks out… ANYTHING GOES! :D

6) Thinking that something that looked good on the mannequin looks good on you

B: Unless you have the same shape as the mannequin, get a second opinion before taking that top or those jeans to the register! :D Great-looking shoes, but you don’t know how to walk in them?…. Leave them at the store. If you can’t walk in them NOW, wait until you’re stumbling out of a bar with your drunk homegirls.

Also, if you’re wearing a top and you have to pull it down every three minutes…. it doesn’t fit. Either be happy it sits where it sits on your body or BUY.THE.NEXT.SIZE.UP! :D

L: I agree… make sure you look presentable. Less is more. And also a quick tip when you’re shopping – if it doesn’t look good on the mannequin, it won’t look good on you.

7) Assuming he likes you for your mind when you haven’t said JACK yet

B: This is so dumb, and chicks do this every single day. :) If do you think a guy likes you for your mind…. Think back and make a list of the things that you’ve said that have impressed him. The things you’ve said that were witty? That were cool? That showed you were down to earth?

If you can’t figure out why he’s impressed with you mentally…. he probably isn’t. :)

L: Absolutely. And this goes back to #4. If you have this problem, then maybe you should think about things you’d like to say before you go out…just so you don’t end up pulling stuff out of your ass when you’re talking to the guy and sounding even dumber than you think you do. Think before you speak.

8) Calling a guy your boyfriend before he actually is

B: A lot of times, the first guy that expresses interest in a chick is handed the title “boyfriend”. At the very least, she says “I’m seeing someone”. You don’t want to declare this too early, because you’ll be biased against guys that are just as good for you or BETTER, merely because they kicked it to you AFTER the first guy. Who loses in this situation? YOU! :D

If you stay with a guy that you like less than this new guy, you lose. If you dump a guy that you just agreed to devote your life to a week later for some guy you never saw in life before, you get talked about. Avoid all this by spending time with people that you like and handing out titles when you HONESTLY feel like you’re going to stay with this person. Don’t give out titles just so you feel decently about yourself when you talk to friends and family so you can say “I have somebody! :D”.

L: My advice is go with the flow. If things are going great, why do you need a title? I have some friends who NEED a title. But think about this: Would you rather be married to someone who you absolutely can’t stand or casually dating someone who you love and have a great time with? Titles don’t matter if you’re having a good time.

9) Asking girls that don’t know JACK about guys for advice

B: Obviously, Lindz knows what she’s talking about which is why I enjoy writing with her….

If a chick you know has more experience with guys than you do, that doesn’t necessarily mean she can help YOU with YOUR love life. :) Try to pay attention to her track record. How many kids does she have because of “pull-out method”? How many guys is it *possible* that this new pregnancy’s from? Does she have any real-world examples of how the advice she’s giving YOU has worked for HER?…..

Depending on her personal track record, you might want to ignore her advice. :/

Thanks Bill. But seriously, it really helps to take advice from someone you trust. This reminds me of this song by Mya,

“If you’ve been divorced more than twice
And you wanna give advice about my love life
Oh no you can just forget that
I don’t need that
So you can just go ahead and keep that
And if you always lookin a mess
But yet you wanna tell me how to dress
Oh no I don’t wanna hear that
I won’t take that
So you can just go ahead and save that”

10) Acting / Dressing sexier than you really are

B: This is gonna backfire on you BIG-TIME. You’ll get all the attention and get the drinks bought, and the guys will want to “dance” with you… but when it comes down to it, they’re going to expect you to be as sensual in private as you made out to be in public. If you don’t want guys to react to you that way, don’t play that role. Dress however you feel. So long as you feel like you look good (to yourself), and you’re expressing your personality (if that’s one of your wardrobe goals), don’t worry about not getting so much attention from the guys. The attention you DO get is going to be from guys that like you AS-IS.

L: Ahhh! I have a great story about this. My guy friend *Matt started to date my friend *Susie. He’d met her once and then developed a friendship over MySpace with her. She had pictures when she was 15lbs skinnier wearing lingerie. Of course she did not look like that in real life. After one night of hooking up with her, he woke up the next morning and said, “What’s with the pictures on MySpace? That’s false advertising.”

My point is, go with what you’re comfortable with, like Bill said. If you don’t like wearing a shit-ton of make-up, don’t. This shows that you’re happy with who you are and you are comfortable around them. And that means a lot.

Until next time, be smart, be savvy and be yourself!

Lindz & Bill
 

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