Ladies: How To Tell He Has A Girlfriend

So I was kicking it with my friend Lux this evening and asked her about a topic that I could write about for the ladies, since DatingGenius has been a little player-heavy as of late, what with the Broderick / Parker shenanigans and all.

Lux, Bill & Molly
Lux Alptraum, Bill Cammack & Molly Crabapple

So Lux comes up with:

“How to figure out if the guy has a girlfriend!”

Now, that’s a great topic. 🙂 I don’t believe I’ve ever considered this before.

The reverse scenario’s very easy. You can figure out if a gal has a boyfriend very easily, because…. she will TELL YOU! 😀 She might not TELL YOU tell you, but it’s infused in her speech patterns. For instance, when you ask her on Monday what SHE did last weekend, she’ll say “WE went to the beach”. Sometimes, you don’t even have to ask. Chicks’ll just THROW their boyfriend into the conversation! If you ask her what she does for fun, she might say “My boyfriend and I like to read books together“. See that? 🙂 You didn’t ask her JACK about her relationship status, but she found a way to slip it in there anyway, hahaha.

This doesn’t work the same way with guys. If a guy’s kicking it to a chick, he’s trying to have sex with her. Period. He can’t afford to get caught slippin’, talking about “we” or “my girl” or “my kids” or “child support” or “restraining order” or NONE of that! 😀 So the lady in question is going to have to figure out ways to trick him out of the information he’s trying so hard not to divulge….

If he knows what he’s doing, you’re not going to be able to shake him verbally. The first thing you can try is to GET *HIS* NUMBER. A guy with a girlfriend can’t afford to give you his number. Why not? Because he can’t afford you CALLING HIM when he’s with his girl. 😀 He also can’t afford you calling HIS PHONE when he’s not around it and she is. He also can’t afford it if his nosey-ass girlfriend tends to check his phone messages. The guy with the girlfriend will want to get YOUR number and NOT give you his. Pull his card by suggesting a trade or having him give you his number so you can call him back from your cell phone.

Granted, the way around this is for him to have more than one phone, but that’s more hassle than most guys are going to go through just to get chicks on the side. He could also give you his work number if he feels that’s a secure line that his girl can’t check, so that’s why it’s good to call through to his cell from yours.

Make plans with him during conspicuous times of the evening. It’s easy for him to play off being an hour late coming home from work, because he was at the happy hour with you. It’s NOT easy for him to leave his house @ 8pm to come see you and then regain entry into his woman’s house. 🙂 If he arrives several times to meet you wearing a basketball or workout outfit, you know he’s telling his woman he’s playing sports. Suggest a late dinner @ Tavern On The Green and see if he still rocks his Jordans and Puma sweats.

Show up to his job and see if the ladies in the place flash you dirty looks like you’re a homewrecker. If you manage to get inside unannounced, look around his office for any pictures laying face down or calendars half-stuffed into desk drawers.

Wear a lot of perfume. Make sure you get it all over him and see if he starts getting nervous. While you’re at it, overdo it on the lipstick, so you can leave a bunch on his shirt collar. If he doesn’t have a girl, who cares? He’ll just throw it on the laundry pile when he gets home, right? 🙂

Invite him out on special occasions. Thanksgiving… St Patrick’s Day… Christmas Eve… If he’s always got excuses, he’s not *YOUR* boyfriend. You might be giving him some, but you wouldn’t be sitting in the front seat if he gathered all of his women into the same car… Capisce? 😀

If you’re feeling aggressive, go for the hickey, preferably on his neck and higher than where an upturned collar could conceal it. The hickey has been the player’s doom since elementary school. Word. :/ To be avoided AT.ALL.COSTS. Punches have been thrown over attempted hickeys, so you might want to just fake it. As soon as he feels too much pressure, he should FLIP OUT like Tom Cruise and completely lose his composure. By the time you’re dating him as a grown man, he’s been living in fear of the hickey for at least ten years.

NOT ONLY do hickeys get you in trouble with your current girl… When NEW CHICKS see them, they know dude’s been messing with some chick within the last couple of days and are likely to back off just when he was about to tap that. No good. 🙁 Like I said… Only go for this if you’re feeling aggressive and you REALLY want to know what time it is. As a matter of fact, you should be able to TELL HIM you’re gonna put a hickey on his neck and see “the fear of God” well up in his eyes! HAHAHAHA 😀

Sometimes, you can tell he has a girl if he’s, um… well… if he’s a Two Minute Brotha. If he’s in and out faster than ordering a burger from Jack in the Box, he’s PROBABLY not very concerned with your sexual satisfaction and saving his energy for when it counts. (Read: With His Girlfriend)

OTOH, if he’s layin’ up in the cut like as if it’s the last scene of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, you might be his best girlfriend after all! 😀

Good Luck Out There! 😀