Bill Cammack » ugly

GFF: Grenade-Free Foundation

Bill Cammack — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 15:22:57 +0000

According to the ‘Jersey Shore’ glossary, a Grenade is defined as:

1) A large, portly woman of an unsightly nature and violent disposition. 2) A difficult, prickly (often sober) friend of a potential conquest who blocks your advances on their friend’s behalf. A wingman is required at all times to “dive on the grenade” to ensure your success in the bedroom.

Obviously, those two definitions have nothing to do with each other. I understand why whomever wrote that was confused. The Fellaz changed the description of a Grenade after a couple of episodes, which will throw people off that don’t know what the **** they’re talking about.

DUFFs

Generally, but not always, what they’re describing as a Grenade is actually a DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). This is the war-chief that you see when you encounter a pack of females. She’s easily spotted as she’s looking suspiciously around and trying to keep a count of all her girlfriends and whether they’re talking to “creeps” or not.

The DUFF’s job is to go into action when she sees that one of her girls might be planning to give it up to a dude and cockblock him ASAP. She appears like The Great Gazoo to magically destroy your rap.

The reason the DUFF is so on-point is that nobody ever kicks it to her. This leads to excessive bitterness and the deep-seated desire to make sure that her homegirls get as little play as she does. The “D” stands for Designated, as in designated driver. The same way you send that one person to the party that’s not going to drink so they can safely drive the rest of the drunkards home at the end of the night, the DUFF is responsible for making sure none of her girls hook up past maybe the makeout stage.

The reason why the distinction needs to be made between the DUFF and a Grenade is that there are A. LOT. OF. FOYINE. GIRLS. THAT. COCKBLOCK. THEIR. ASSES. OFF!!!

Just because a gal’s good-looking doesn’t exclude her from being a Grenade. In fact, Attractive Grenades are worse than Busted Grenades, so definition #1 needs to be stricken from the record. Expecting only unattractive girls to attempt to defuse your rap is an amateur mindset.

Grenades

Because the Jersey Shore fellaz failed to make the distinction between DUFFs and Grenades, they’ve confused the uninformed public. For instance, this season, Mike mentions how he, Pauly & Vinny were in the hot tub with a bunch of chicks and then he splashed some water on his face and suddenly realized “We’ve got GRENADES, Man!!! :O”.

That comment didn’t make any sense… Grenades would have cockblocked their homegirls from getting in the hot tub to begin with. Meanwhile, the girls in the tub were throwing sex at the guys left and right. They were definitely DTF (Down To ****).

What Mike SHOULD have said was “When I splashed water on my face, I realized that we had brought home girls that I wouldn’t have admitted to anybody that I kicked it with, except it’s on videotape and broadcast worldwide on televison and the internet.”

The funny thing about statements like that is how Mike is continually surprised at the visual quality of girls he pulls when it’s been a running joke throughout the entire two seasons of Jersey Shore that he and Pauly will bring back anything they can to the house at the end of the night. If splashing water on his face made him realize what the girls HE brought home actually looked like, that’s his fault for removing his own Beer Goggles.

The Original Grenade

We met an actual Grenade in ‘Jersey Shore’ season 01. I believe this is where the confusion of the term came from.

The Fellaz were snapping on this girl for two different reasons which match up to the glossary definition. They found her to be visually unattractive, AND the entire time she was on screen, she was liable to cockblock Mike.

She actually had no reason to be at the house. Pauly didn’t want to hit it, so that meant he had to babysit her so his boy Mike could get laid.

The Jersey Shore guys call this typical wingman tactic “Falling on the Grenade”. Basically, you have to ruin your evening hanging out with some chick just to distract her. The benefit is that your boy gets to tag up on the actual target chick AND that you feel your boy would do the same thing for you if you met a girl you wanted to bring back to the hot tub and the only way she was coming over was if she brought her Grenade-ass girlfriend with her.

So.. Regardless of her looks, she had to be stopped from destroying Mike’s rap, so she was named “The Grenade”.

The GFF

The GFF is the Grenade-Free Foundation, which supports a Grenade-Free America. :D

That really doesn’t have anything to do with cockblockers. It actually has to do with the level of visual quality of the girls these guys pull from the club.

This season, Vinny said that Mike & Pauly would bring home stray dogs from the club if they couldn’t get anything else. Last season, Ronnie and his boys were snapping all over Mike & Pauly saying that nothing they brought home was anywhere near Sammi’s (housemate and Ronnie’s girlfriend) quality.

In their defense, the only girls that are going to show up on a television show are the ones that agree to sign the releases, so it’s entirely possible that MTV is only showing the Grenades the fellaz pull and never the hawt chicks because none of them agree to be shown.

So, the GFF is a state of mind, really… It’s one man’s resolve that if a chick isn’t what he considers to be an 8, 9, or 10 (rating her looks from 1-10, with 10 being the most attractive), he’s not bringing her home or trying to hook up with her.

The obvious problem with this is that guys would rather hook up with a 7, 6 or 5 than NOT HOOK UP with a better-looking female. It’s better to have mediocre-looking chicks in the hot tub than to get no rap at all from hawt girls.

Hunting

It’s all part of the game of Hunting.

When you hit the streets, you’re seeing what you can come up with for that night.

Due to circumstances or the environment, you might not even have access to a chick that’s better than a 6 the entire evening.

You might have access to 8′s or 9′s, but they’re not going for your rap style.. What then? \o/

It’s either hook up with the sub-par chicks that WANT to hook up with you or go home, go to sleep and try again tomorrow.

So.. Unfortunately, The GFF doesn’t exist except in the hearts and minds of guys that are willing to adhere to the terms of the concept.

It’s a fun thing to say… Grenade-Free America!!!! :D but it’s not realistic. Vinny may or may not have hooked up with Snooki this season and he was obviously embarrassed about having slept in the same bed with her… That’s what happens. That’s how life goes.

It’s nice to claim that you only hook up with hawt chicks, but that only works for two sets of guys.. The guys that ACTUALLY only hook up with top-notch-looking women and the guys that successfully keep their exploits with sub-par chicks under the hat.

Neither one of those categories apply to the dudes on ‘Jersey Shore’. :D HAHAHA The only reason you need to declare a Grenade-Free America is that you have to stop YOURSELF from partaking in the Grenades.

Unfortunately.. Methinks They Doth Protest Too Much because at the end of the night, several Grenades in the hot tub trumps zero FOYINE girls in the hot tub and the GFF or GFA will remain a state of mind that guys aspire to but never actually achieve.

5 Tips on How To Get A Girlfriend

Bill Cammack — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 02:00:24 +0000

Now I know that this post I came across is supposed to be humorous… as are some DatingGenius posts… but I think it’s excellent as a case study, so let’s take a quick look at Tristan Miller’s post from 1999, entitled “Why I Will Never Have A Girlfriend”. Basically, Tristan’s breaking down the problem mathematically:

Number of people on Earth (in 1998): 5,592,830,000
…who are female: 2,941,118,000
…in “developed” countries: 605,601,000
…currently (in 2000) aged 18 to 25: 65,399,083
…who are beautiful: 1,487,838
…and intelligent: 236,053
…and not already committed: 118,027
…and also might like me: 18,726

MAN, do I love this article! :D I could read it every day! :D hahaha

Clearly, here’s the problem, as mentioned in the endnotes & references for the article:

2. â†‘ After a short period of brooding, of course, these males will eventually come to the realization that the real reason they were never able to get a girlfriend is that they were too discriminating with their attentions.

As I mentioned in “Life Isn’t Fair”, all guys are not ENTITLED to a girlfriend. We also aren’t all lucky enough to live in New York City, where you can’t throw a rock without hitting a chick. So, it’s possible that due to the combination of a lack of available females and a lack of your being better than the next man (who always pulls the fly chicks before you do), that you find yourself in a similar situation, where it seems like there’s no way out. However… There’s CERTAINLY a way around this problem. All you have to do is…

LOWER. YOUR. STANDARDS.

That’s it! Problem solved! :D All of a sudden, there are hundreds… THOUSANDS of chicks newly available to you, and you get to pass your genes into the next generation! :D

Here are five (5) tips on how to enhance your dating life by lowering your standards. Apply any one of these tips and watch your “dance card” fill up! :) ***NOTE*** Only apply ONE of these tips at a time! :O Combining two or more of them has been known to lead to severe depression as well as plummeting self-esteem.

1. Consider dating girls that do not have an ass.

Yes. I know. I know. :( This is amazingly drastic, and I really should have saved it for last, but since most people can’t read, I wanted to get it out on the table before they click away to some stupid video about Monster Trucks. This is really… I mean… You DON’T want to do this, but if you really find yourself on the bottom of the totem pole, where fewer than 20,000 chicks on the planet would want to date you, it’s time to pull out the stops. So that’s tip #1. Date her even though she doesn’t have an ass. This will IMMEDIATELY double your dating options… unless you live in Boston, which means your options quadruple.

***NOTE*** Only try this tip with girls that are really, really, really, REALLY CUTE, so at least you enjoy looking at them from the front. :D

2. Consider dating girls that are grossly out of shape.

This society has a really stupid policy of not differentiating between girls that happen to be thicker than other girls, yet are still in proper shape/proportion… and chicks that are actually obese. A chick that’s heavier but still shapely can still be physically attractive. The problems occur when you’re scratching your head like “hmm… that’s not supposed to curve in that direction :( “. However, as the saying goes… “Beggars can’t be Choosers”, so you might have to take one for the team this time. Think of it this way… You don’t have to worry about guys kicking it to your girl at the restaurant when you step off to the bathroom.

This is especially useful if YOU aren’t in good shape. I mean, “fair’s fair”, right? :)

3. Consider dating a facially unattractive chick.

This is a REALLY BAD IDEA unless people tend to grow on you… and FAST! Being that this isn’t the Middle East, you’re going to have a really hard time convincing her to cover her entire face, except for her eyes.

image from “Fashion Freedom – Women’s Wear in the Middle East”

Fortunately, those large, gaudy sunglasses are in style now, so you can probably get over by making sure she wears the biggest shades you can find… well, at least until Summer’s over.

Also, you’ll need to practice getting around your crib in the dark so you don’t have to turn on the lights when she comes over.

Again, this is a REALLY bad idea, and usually completely unsustainable unless she has a totally bangin’ body, so let’s just forget about this one unless you need it for a REALLY rainy day.

4. Consider dating a complete imbecile.

I know. I know… You’re wondering “Now.. How am I supposed to know she’s an idiot?”. Well… You’re going to have to actually talk to her… and then, when you’re finished talking, you have to actually LISTEN to her response and check to see if what she said makes any sense. Now, normally, when you find out she’s a dummy, it’s like “…gave her a token and said ‘Shalom’!” (Shalom, being a word in Hebrew that means “Peace”, which is U.S. slang for “GOOD-BYE!” :D ) But, let’s not be hasty. Let’s consider the upside to dating a chick with an IQ in the double-digits.

You don’t have to be very intelligent to outsmart her.
She’s likely to forget that she did the dishes last night and do them again tonight.
She’ll let her sister stay over your house while she works the night shift @ the bowling alley.

hmm… That’s about it. :( Generally, dumb chicks are more trouble than they’re worth.

5. Consider dating girls that do not like you.

Guys do this all the time. All you need is a fancy car or a yacht or something. Just get something she can’t afford, and she’ll hang out with you so she can be seen in and around your property. :)

***NOTE*** With chicks like this, be sure to keep your Condom Game tight… Other guys own stuff, too.

DatingGenius